Ok, this post is a huge deal to me. It’s about something that happened to me 10 years ago and that I still live with today. Don’t know for sure what I’ll accomplish with this, but maybe putting it all out will help in some way.
I was 12 years old at the time. Back then, I was very close with this cousin of mine (practically same age as me, I’m three months older). He’d always invite me to sleep over and we would have lots of fun. We were a bit different though. He always liked to run, do crazy shit and party, but I was never very physical and my real thing was video games. For me, the best thing about going to his place was playing his Super Nintendo (and then his Nintendo 64).
The story truly begins when our playing around started getting a bit more… sexual. He would get on top of me and dry hump me in his room, rub his butt in my groin area in the kitchen, wanting to watch me take a shower, asking me to masturbate in front of him… those are a few of the things I remember.
I was very confused. First of all, I never really watched porn and had no idea what sex actually was. My only experience with it up until then was when my father mockingly showed me a MS-DOS porn game he bought when I was 8 years old. In it, a guy was in a maze looking for women on beds to have sex with. Then there was a “video” (terrible quality, barely ten seconds) of a woman sucking a dick (I had no idea dicks could get that big, for all I knew she was eating a turd).
Second of all, as maybe you’d infer from what I wrote above, I was an extremely naïve child. Naïve to the point of stupidity. I also had this unbearable need to follow the rules and be a good kid. “No, I will not read that magazine, only when I’m 18 years old!”, “That tape from ‘Lips video’, I can’t watch that… is that a horror movie?”, “Don’t show me that picture, YOU PERVERT!” (I was understandably mocked in school after that one).
And so, all I could get from my cousin’s jokes (aside from all the boners, which I just ignored), was that he was a crazy kid. One of the most remarkable moments was when I asked him after one of his antics: ”How is it that you never get caught?”. He enjoyed himself very much after hearing that.
But at the same time that I was faking annoyance and turning down his requests… I was excited. I wanted him to play around with me. It was the first big (if not goddamn CONCLUSIVE) evidence that I was gay but I didn’t see it that way until much later. How dumb was I?
One time, he thought he heard a noise downstairs and asked me to follow him. We walked in line down the corridor. When he stopped, I did so a bit too closely to him, my groin touching his butt crack.
“Sorry, it’s too dark in here”, I said (I feel embarrassed just thinking about it…).
In a funny twist, he asked me to go downstairs again the same night, this time with me at the front, and at the same spot, he dry humped me from behind in a ridiculous fashion, then jokingly said the same thing: “Sorry, it’s too dark in here!”. That’s when I realized what a stupid thing I did. But it didn’t stop after that.
I can’t remember everything, but my impression was that those things were way less meaningful to him than they were for me. It looked like he only did it because I acted like I didn’t want it. I wanted it to go on, but in my mind, I couldn’t just ask him to do it! What if those jokes were just him fooling around? What if my question weirded him out? What if he used it against me? What if he told everyone that I asked him to fool around with me?
And then… the joke got a bit too serious. This was the closest thing to sex I ever got with anyone. And it was with my cousin.
It was a Sunday, I was having lunch with him, his parents and all his siblings at a restaurant. All I remember was him implying that when we got home… then he made a sexual gesture with his arms. Very subtle, of course, and no one noticed a thing.
Can you imagine how I was feeling at that moment? I had never been so anxious in my life – and never felt that way since. The nerves, the anticipation… how should I act? Should I wait for his command? Would he object if I acted on my own accord?
A while later, we returned to his house and both of us were alone in his bedroom. I stood in front of him. He asked me to get naked. I took off all of my clothes, then he removed all of his. I remember having the most intense boner ever, while his dick was completely flaccid.
What happened next were the weirdest 30 seconds of my life. He got on top of me and we went on the bed. I can’t remember what he did, was he rubbing himself against me, or just hugging me, I don’t know. All I remember was that I was stiff as a board. All the time wondering what to do, if anything.
And then, he asked me to leave the bed.
Completely confused, I went to the other side of the bedroom. He was just laying there, face down to the bed (masturbating?). I even approached him a few seconds later, but he was like “no, go back”. I don’t remember anything after that.
Looking back now, I think that he didn't know what we were doing any more than I did.
I think I still slept at his house a few other times, but nothing of relevance happened since. Our relationship was never the same. For years now, we only meet on family parties and our conversations are nothing beyond greetings and small talk.
If he ever fooled around with other guys I’ll probably never know. What I do know is that he has a girlfriend and they’ve been together for a very long time (maybe 3 years, but I’m not sure). I’ve talked to her many times and she’s really nice. And now that all his older siblings got married (the second youngest after him did it just a few months ago), there’ll be more pressure for them to get married, so that should be interesting…
There was a time when all I could think about was those 30 seconds. It’s not as frequent now as it was before. But still...
It never really went away. I still think about those 30 seconds and what it could have been. What if I pressed his body against mine? What if I kissed him? What if I rubbed our dicks together? What if I licked his neck? It’s awful. The worst case of blue balls imaginable.
To this day, I am angry at the type of person I was back then. So focused on being a Goody Two-Shoes and wasting so many opportunities… thinking I was so clever but ignorant in so many ways…
And you know what’s the ultimate irony? I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore (if ever), nor do I have any interest in a relationship. We are completely different in personality, walks of life, personal tastes, plans to the future, etc. But I still can’t get this out of my head. All I want is one night with him, with no strings attached, just to finish what we started…
If you read this until the end, thank you! Wow, that’s some dedication!
I hope this will help me cope with this mess until I see a psychiatrist or something. I can’t keep coming back to this anymore. It has gone on long enough.