Over a year ago, I had my very first boyfriend. It look a long time: I never really felt as effeminate as the gays I always saw, I was also busy with other life matters, couldn't get over a guy, etc. Anyways, he looked androgynous and was effeminate, a very good-looking combination. As it turned out, I had zero problems with accepting his effeminacy. We held hands everywhere; it was more than obvious that we were a couple. We even made out in public. It felt sort of revolutionary.
However, it felt like having a girlfriend. He'd want to fix his hair for an hour before going out. He only wanted to go to dinner or shopping. The way he thought reminded me of my mother. He wanted to talk about feelings in that emotional crazy way.
I'm physically attracted to women. Lesbian porn (no dicks) can be pretty hot. However, I'm not into the whole straight mating dance. It looks degrading when men try to impress women. I don't want kids, I don't need to split the bills with anyone, and I can cook and clean just fine. So heterosexuality has nothing to offer me. I feel like a 12-year-old boy around women as well. I don't know what to say and I can't feign interest for long in whatever they want to talk about. That Whole Thing (TM) is not for me.
I want somebody like me. A guy who likes guy stuff. I want a man in bed for the same reason I want a man to toss a football with. A want to fuck men for the same reason boys play with guns and legos. So it's definitely not just sex, it's an integral part of me. It sure doesn't feel like just a sexual orientation. Why shouldn't I like what I am?
But I haven't seen that anywhere. What passes for masculine among gay guys is a mimicry of masculine, a sort of cargo cult that doesn't understand the essence of what it deifies. Whether it's leather or just guys who aren't as effeminate, it seems like fake dress up.
Take Johnny Weir who says this about figure skating: "masculinity is what you believe it to be." When gay guys tell me that they don't want to go kayaking or outdoors because of the icky bugs then no, sorry, you're not masculine. And that's not to say masculine is better! (I can understand the resentment: There's plenty of gay men who haven't come to terms with their own effeminacy who bash on the nelly folk.) So I believe masculinity and femininity are neutral but distinguishable traits like eye color. If you want to gay it up, go for it. I'm not one of those "You drag queens are making it hard for me to be accepted!" people. Everyone has a right to be who they are without being made to feel worthless. (Unfortunately, I think our society values men above women so even effeminate men want some of that masculinity.)
I asked my boyfriend why he didn't like women. He sure loved hanging around them. He could talk to them easily without any awkwardness. The answer: "Ewww, I'd feel like a lesbian." And that's really it: gay men seem to be women. Pretty much all the gays I've met confirm to the stereotypes. Not everyone is the same kind of effeminate, but some variant exists in all the men I've seen. Online, it's pretty much the same thing. I've asked friends, gay or straight. They don't know anyone either. Now, I'm not looking for a date: just someone like me to know I'm not the only one.
I don't feel gay. I've always felt this way, even though I couldn't articulate it. Around puberty when I noticed other guys fawning over women, despite my attractions to women, I never understood how liking effeminate could be masculine. I like men because I'm a man. I'm a genuine homo.
So where are the others like me?