I am 30 yrs old and still a virgin

[LordRother]

What's wrong with me?

I live in a small town where it's hard to find a boyfriend but I know gay guys here, they are younger than me and none of them is a virgin. I have never even kissed anybody. Maybe I'm too shy and too afraid of STDs but when I use dating pages everybody reject me and it's not me who reject them.

How old were you when you first had sex?
Have you ever used dating pages for years without finding a partner?

[JyStar]

You answered you first question with your next line.

I was 20. Decided to wait. Bla bla.
And yes, i've used dating pages and found mainly hookups, not dates.

[RationalLunacy]

I live in a rural Amish community and had my first boyfriend when I was 15.

You're probably just picky.

[GL]

hey there. i don't know you but i don't think there is anything really wrong with you. you yourself said you're shy and fear stds. first off your shyness will make it harder for you to step up and meet guys. stds are something to be aware of but not to live in fear of. if you hook up you just have to be careful, take precautions. what you need to do is first work past your shyness. i would suggest you look in your community and see if there are any clubs or social groups that cater to a hobby or an interest of yours. find them and join them. take a little initiative and say hello, strike up a conversation. once you start talking to other guys things will slowly fall into place. that's how i did it and i'm sure many others here did as well. best of luck to you.

[Paws]

I am 30 yrs old and still a virgin

Damn, someone beat me

[Xzilla7]

It doesn't help when people post their "high" standards on the internet, and the dating sites can get a bit creepy.

I need to just go out there sometime and find someone. You should probably do the same. Although at your age you'd probably be safer on dating sites than I would.

[thisisinteresting]

What GL said. Just get out there. Find something social. You don't have to be 'looking' but just talk to some people! Go live! I'm getting over social anxiety myself by just forcing myself into social situations. I get better at each one. Sure I'm still socially awkward but the point is that I'm improving. Get out there, find something!

[hylas]

lose the shyness. yeah, its easier said than done, i know from experience, but just work on it and stop making excuses, like the STD bullshit. im not saying that STD's are harmless, but i think in this instance, they are just an excuse. if the small town setting is a serious problem, then move. work on feeling good about yourself, because genuine confidence is very attractive. (genuine confidence is not to be confused with obnoxious arrogance, which usually only hides insecurities)

it shouldnt be too difficult to get a hookup or even a date on a gay dating website. show your face, be honest and direct yet respectful, be fun and upbeat, dont be bitter, desperate, or whiny. be gracious if somebody rejects you, which happens to all of us, all the time.

and have realistic expectations. i dont know how you look, but looks are important. if youre kinda average looking, you maybe shouldnt aim exclusively for the ones that look like gods. but also know that beauty is highly subjective, and one doesnt have to look like a fashion model to be someones dream. so dont sell yourself short, either.

and if the virginity stuff is driving you crazy, why not hire an escort, just to get over that hurdle? might take away some of the pressure and fear of the unknown. just a suggestion.

hope that was somewhat helpful.

[dpnice]

Unfortunately physical appearance is an important factor in casual sexual pickups and there are those people who due to their appearance will never manage to have a sexual relationship through cruising Internet.

People will tell you not to loose hope and that someone will find you sexually attractive, well in real life this is not exactly true, possible but highly improbable.

What is possible is finding someone by going out into the world as an open gay man, communicating with people, socialising and revealing a personality that will attract others. You still might never end up having sex or a relationship but you will probably make friends to support you.

It is true that different people have different tastes and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But the chance of all the variables coming together at the same time is extremely rare.

But don't give up, take the advice of others and all the best for finding what you want.

[ChickenGuy]

That makes two of us, then.

In fact, I'm a few years behind you.

Yes, I'm also shy, anti-social, introverted, depressive, and from a small community. That's just how my life went.

I'm actually more concentrated on developing my social skills, and possibly making some friends. Getting used to talking to guys in general. Not feeling nervous and tense. Building my confidence. As for sex, that's a long way off. There's no point in me doing things that I'm not emotionally capable of handling. So it'll be a process that takes years.

But, lol, I've developed a lot of patience.

[80KGold]

I am 30 yrs old and still a virgin

Take off your clothes and lie spread eagle on the bed. I'll be with you in a moment.



Just joshin'. But seriously, don't panic. It'll happen. Don't let your sense of urgency be a reason for you to do what you don't really want to do (or, to do somebody whom you don't really want to do). Keep hoping. Keep trying. It'll happen.

P.S. I think it's cool that you've waited. That's sexy. I'm sure that they're other guys out there who'll think so as well.

[Xzilla7]

It's funny how we pressure males to lose their virginity yet if we were talking about a female we would be calling her pure.

[kok1972]

I am also in the same situation and I am 37. Not sure if I have left it to late but you never know. Maybe I will bump into someone one day. The only thing you can depend on is that you never know what life will send your way so maybe the right man for you will bump into you.

[elvin1]

I've always had someone to have sex with since I was in my teens. I don't know. I always took chances.
If you live in a box and fear everything you aren't letting people know that you are open. Get out there. Find gay clubs and socialize.
I don't know how internet dating sites work but my guess is that they're tricky.

God, I don't have any real concrete advice. I can't think of any right now.

I think the other guys here are saying it better than I can.

[VenomGGXX]

I've only had sex once and that was last week lol and it hurt..ALOT..so yeah
But it was really nice too, it was like a warm glass of hot chocolate, its scalding at first but it's still sweet.

[davy]

sex won't change you nor your life.

go to a gay bar and force yourself to talk to someone and keep doing it until you get laid.

[VenomGGXX]

And you're emotionally capable of having sex. Don't be afraid to let someone close to you that you trust.

[BearBoi]

It's funny how we pressure males to lose their virginity yet if we were talking about a female we would be calling her pure.

They are like milk products; they are pure up-to and through their 20s, then they are slightly spoiled, and after that they are just plain sour because you really gotta wonder WTF is wrong with them that no other guy would want to tap dat. By that point they usually have a hundred cats, too.

At least, that's what my str8 friends say. lol

[Under-taken]

You've got 10 years on Steve Carrel, plenty of time!

[chace1617]

OMG sorry to say that but its tragic... i'm 20 and virgin... i think in 10 years l'll be like you!!! shit!!!

[lazyboy]

What's wrong with me?

I live in a small town where it's hard to find a boyfriend but I know gay guys here, they are younger than me and none of them is a virgin. I have never even kissed anybody. Maybe I'm too shy and too afraid of STDs but when I use dating pages everybody reject me and it's not me who reject them.

How old were you when you first had sex?
Have you ever used dating pages for years without finding a partner?

I was 17 when I had my first sex and found my fucker in my own town)))

About dating sites I think that it is a great chance to find some good person for communication and may be something more... Good luck with your virginity

[LordRother]

Thanks for your patience. Well, I know I shouldn't have asked this because my situation is quite impossible and I don't want to make you pity me. You just gave me really good advices but...

Let's see. I can't be openly gay because it's not usual here. I live in an ex-socialist country in Europe. We still can't leave behind political chaos. I'm unemployed and my university degree is totally useless. If I were openly gay, I should just give up to keep a job more than a month.

There are no gay bars in my town and I can't move or even travel to a larger city because I don't have money. I'm also not healthy enough to move, I live with my parents.

Dating pages are the only possible ways to know gay men here although they are so distrustful and shy that it's not easy to even meet them. When I was 28 I still had never known anybody personally who had been openly gay, not even during university years.

I didn't decide to wait, wait for what? And my look - it's totally average, maybe a bit boring. Nothing special at all. I have realistic expectations (as x-cess said) and nobody looks like a model here anyway.

What do you say under these circumstances?

[bike10]

I also live small town in mid Missouri so there is not much action. Get off to St. Louis to visit the CLUB for enjoyment and pleasures.

[Gamby6]

You know there are some horn dudes out there who wouldn't mind flying distant with their own budget to get laid. I met few of them on online dating sites. Try that avenue if you want sex so badly.

[Paws]

It's funny how we pressure males to lose their virginity yet if we were talking about a female we would be calling her pure.

Or frigid.

[Dolmance]

Don't worry about it and don't try to force it. There is an absolutely ridiculous emphasis placed upon losing one's virginity in the Western, English speaking world at present that is arbitrary at best, damaging and neurotic at worst. If you go out blindly seeking to lose your virginity, you will likely find yourself giving it to someone who isn't worthy of it and the experience will not be as good as it could be. The best you can and should do is increase your social circle; find groups with common interests, speak to people more, and let be what will be. It will happen eventually, and will hopefully happen for the right reasons. I didn't lose my virginity until relatively late on (22), and I'm monstrously glad I didn't; because I waited, the man I gave it to was considerate, loving and it was a truly wonderful experience.

[hylas]

woah, your situation sucks. i feel for you. i hope your health situation isnt too serious.

"get a job, save some money, and move to a better place" comes to mind, but i guess thats not really realistic if the economy is fucked up.

maybe your best bet is to change the gay situation in your region where youre living. obviously there are many other fags out there, and they are as isolated as you are. you mention other fags you know. how do you know them, what do you guys do together? maybe you can found a sports-club or something? a self-defense club, if thats more appropriate? (thats probably just my prejudices speaking but i have this idea that slavs are quite violent, especially towards homos.) might help to get to know people, and in the long run, might be a first step towards gay emancipation.

im sorry, im just talking random bullshit now. i live in a very different situation, i have no idea wether im being helpful at all here.

[LordRother]

You are really nice, x-cess. No, my health situation is not serious, thanks, it can be better and if I find a job in a bigger city I can move there, but not until that because it would be too expensive for my parents.

You are right, we are not organized enough, civil organizations aren’t popular enough. A self-defense club is maybe too much…

Otherwise we are not Slavs, only most of our neighbour countries. Fortunately my country is not a dangerous place, gay bashing is very rare, but homosexuality is also a taboo outside of the capital city. Agression is near the zero level just like the number of gay organizations in the countryside. Slavs are maybe more violent but homos are also braver there, they kiss in the street etc.

Gay emancipation – registered partnership is in progress for five years here, but law and real society can be different. The gay movement is quite old and wide in the capital but seems to be in the deepest crisis of its history now.

Dolmance – I basically agree with you, it’s a needless emphasis on losing our virginity, but psichologically it became important for me just because I used to feel (unrequited) love when I was younger but later I stopped and now I can’t just dream about somebody, I’m too old for that. That’s why I’m so uncertain about who’s worthy for being the first one and who’s not.

I know that my personality is not the most suitable for relationships and maybe I’m too uncertain and depressed in many situations.

Gamby6 says: „if you want sex so badly.” Some say I shouldn’t want it so much, while sometimes others say that I don’t want it enough, my desires are not strong enough to break out of my loneliness. I really don’t know which is the right for me.

[ISayZed]

^Hmm either Moldova, Romania, or Hungary. Most likely the latter 2.

[cornholio]

I'm 25 and "pure", as someone called it.

I'm often insecure. also shy and afraid of opening up to a person on an intimate level, falling in love, etc. I find it hard to really trust people.

I've never really tried it over the internet, doesn't seem promising.

I want it to be like in the movies, easy at the beginning, hard at times. I wouldn't go so far as to say, it must have a happy ending (that's even too much wishful thinking for my dreamy self), but at least I want to be able to look back and say, that was SO worth it.

I'm a hopeless romantic, and I know 'just letting life happen' probably won't help, instead I must do something about it.

With me it's just my fault. you on the other hand have a more difficult surrounding. Still, we both have to think outside our boxes, I guess. Wish you the best of luck in having that idea! maybe some of the advises on here will help

[jizzeater]

That’s why I’m so uncertain about who’s worthy for being the first one and who’s not.

That confirms my suspicion. You are being too picky.

[Corny]

^ he has a bit of a point.

I know that you might expect the whole "singing angels coming down to earth" thing from sex - but it's not like that.
don't get me wrong .. sex IS great. but it is also "just" sex.
ask around how many people had that perfect "the earth stopped moving" first time. not many had .. there is "earth-stopping" sex - but most of the time it's not the first time.

so if you want to "save yourself" - by all means, keep searching. but if you want sex - stop that "selection process" for your first guy, trust your gut .. and your dick. and that doesn't mean you have to switch off your brain .

[jizzeater]

I know that you might expect the whole "singing angels coming down to earth" thing from sex - but it's not like that.
don't get me wrong .. sex IS great. but it is also "just" sex.
ask around how many people had that perfect "the earth stopped moving" first time. not many had .. there is "earth-stopping" sex - but most of the time it's not the first time.

Exactly. It's likely going to be awkward, embarrassing, and disappointing! It was for me. Fortunately, you get more than one shot at it.

[hylas]

cornholio (and rother, to a lesser extent): youre making it more difficult than necessary for yourself, so you dont have to go there and deal with that scary thing called sex. you say it yourself: its your own fault. get over it.

too much importance is placed on "the first time"... it might be great, it might be not. it depends very much on your partner and the chemistry you two have, something that is impossible to know before youre actually at it, since an emotional connection doesnt necessarily translate into a sexual one, and vice versa. and youre probably gonna be awkward and mediocre, given that you are gonna be nervous and have zero experience. i dont wanna scare anybody, quite the opposite, i think you need to scale down your expectations and relax. sex is wonderful, but its not magical. its gonna get better with practice and experience like most things in life.

[pittguy]

The concept of 'virginity' is passe and antiquated-- it doesn't count as sex if only it is certain acts.

There is a consensus that oral and anal sex doesn't count-- only vaginal intercourse counts. Just ask anyone with a promise ring! lol

So if your some 'gold star' gay, then you are a virgin in some terms. Virginity is a joke!

Don't feel pressure. Be patient, and wait for the right time rather than some Christians view of what sex is.

[LordRother]

ISayZed, it’s great that somebody in Florida knows this part of Europe well. We have got a bad prejudice that Americans don’t really know us. I’m Hungarian .

Cornholio – so at least you know the main cause. My problem is that many times I don’t really know whether I am too shy or too fast in dating. Otherwise my simple friendships also usually stop after a while so I know I do something wrong I just don’t know exactly what.

GL – somehow I feel (I don’t know if I’m right or not) that you mean you could talk to guys harder than to girls. Maybe this is right for me, I feel that guys are more closed in their interests and own worlds while girls like to talk about various things, no matter if they know it well or not, and they also can show their feelings easier. Sometimes it seems to me that guys (both straight and gay ones) feel like it’s just a waste of time to be with me, while girls (both straight and lesbian) don’t, with girls sometimes I feel like I waste my time.

jizzeater – I used these words just because I quoted Dolmance who worried that I would give myself to somebody who’s not worthy. Otherwise hundreds of guys hooked me up on the net while I hooked up less than 10.

[Reality101]

sex won't change you nor your life.

go to a gay bar and force yourself to talk to someone and keep doing it until you get laid.

Yes! Get out of your comfort zone. Out out out! It's stifling in there, no? Be careful, cautious and optimistic

[jizzeater]

Otherwise hundreds of guys hooked me up on the net while I hooked up less than 10.

I don't understand.

[LordRother]

Jizzeater, Corny, X-cess: I don’t know what I expect from the first sex. Really. Of course if somebody wait so much like me, it become quite mystical but of course I know it isn’t. My only fear is that it stays so unknown and mystical for me even after trying it.

[Diavolos]

I am almost 30 and never did anything with men. So I guess I am worse than you. I am closeted gay obviously and will most likelly never have anything with any man for my whole life.

Sometimes I wish I was born normal or if my brain was the same, to be born in a woman's body.

A male body and a brain that likes what women like... sad story. But I enter anonymously sites and porn so I guess I kinda "feel" how it is to be gay and having sex.

[derelictdarrel]

I'm kind of in a similar situation. only I'm just not as sexually active as much as most people.

It doesn't bother me so much as it did back in my early 20's. To me, sex is not very gratifying if I can't seem to bond with anyone. or else I'm better off just getting a prostitute if I want sex that bad.

Since you've never been intimate with anybody in any way, I can only imagine what pressure it must put on you at this prospect.
I suggest that you don't dwell on it so much. Don't let it be something you're readily admitting to a person you meet.
Most of all, be patient. never, ever be desperate.

good luck.

[Hard-up1]

Threads from the grave. Look, RL was yet posting.

To the resurrected theme, I was 45 before I broke the curse, and, contrary to those posting otherwise, it did change my life. To Corny's point, it wasn't blackout sex, but it was a positive experience.

Did I find the love of my life? No.

Do I have hookups now or have I found others since? No.

Is my self-image and comfort as an out gay man changed? Yes.

Do I wish I'd found it when I was 19? Yes.

Do I look back with regret and bitterness? No.

Am I looking forward to a future, perhaps with a guy? Yes.

[refujiunderground]

26 years old and a virgin. some days are better than others. won't lie by saying that i don't want it BUT i'm a bit scared to go out and just do it. you know... have to get my feet wet eventually but i would rather do it with a guy who i like more so than some random body but it is what it is though.

[xbuzzerx]

Thanks for your patience. Well, I know I shouldn't have asked this because my situation is quite impossible and I don't want to make you pity me. You just gave me really good advices but...

Let's see. I can't be openly gay because it's not usual here. I live in an ex-socialist country in Europe. We still can't leave behind political chaos. I'm unemployed and my university degree is totally useless. If I were openly gay, I should just give up to keep a job more than a month.

There are no gay bars in my town and I can't move or even travel to a larger city because I don't have money. I'm also not healthy enough to move, I live with my parents.

Dating pages are the only possible ways to know gay men here although they are so distrustful and shy that it's not easy to even meet them. When I was 28 I still had never known anybody personally who had been openly gay, not even during university years.

I didn't decide to wait, wait for what? And my look - it's totally average, maybe a bit boring. Nothing special at all. I have realistic expectations (as x-cess said) and nobody looks like a model here anyway.

What do you say under these circumstances?

I want you to know OP that I wish you the best but I feel completely unqualified to give you good advice, and I know there are members here who come from extremely similar backgrounds so I hope they will give you some good advice instead.

[LatimerRd]

Your written English is just about perfect and is impressively idiomatic. You write better than many of the native speakers who post on this site. Again, very impressive!

[goldenmoth]

Maybe you just prefer the quiet life?

[Nishin]

(Are you all aware that the guy you're talking to hasn't showed up here for 3 years though?)

[rareboy]

psssssssst. I don't think they are. Let's not tell them.

But for all you old 'virgins' out there....expecting someone to turn up to do all the work for you...it just doesn't happen like that. You have to be prepared to accept some risks for heaven's sakes.

[RaKroma]

I am almost 30 and never did anything with men. So I guess I am worse than you. I am closeted gay obviously and will most likelly never have anything with any man for my whole life.

Sometimes I wish I was born normal or if my brain was the same, to be born in a woman's body.
A male body and a brain that likes what women like... sad story. But I enter anonymously sites and porn so I guess I kinda "feel" how it is to be gay and having sex.

May I ask where do you live? And why have you written down fate for your entire life?

[USEDCAR]

Wow holy 3 year old thread, Small Town and Being gay don't mix