Wings of A Butterfly
My eyes opened to a darkness that smelled of whiskey and cigar smoke. I felt something on top of me but I couldn’t see what it was. I was in pain, but I couldn’t feel it. My vision was blurred as he whispered in my ear, “I’ve wanted you for so long.” I tried to move, but my arms wouldn’t budge. I slipped into the darkness again as I struggled to get away.
I opened my eyes again, but this time I was back in Luke’s room. My face was soaked with tears and Luke was looking at me through the darkness. His arms were wrapped tightly around me as I cried harder when I realized that the nightmare had made me scream and kick in my sleep.
My shirt was drenched in sweat and my legs were shaking. I retreated into Luke’s arms trying to calm myself down. This was the third time I’ve done this. He held me tightly and whispered “You’re ok,” into my ear. My fear settled into frustration. The nightmares just wouldn’t stop. Luke was protecting me physically, but he couldn’t come into my dreams with me to protect me from the nightmares.
“Are you ok?” he asked.
“I think so,” I said.
“Want to go for a walk?”
“No,” I said.
He reached over and grabbed his phone to check the time and said, “It’s about 5:30. The sun should be up soon.”
“Ok,” I said.
“Wanna get some breakfast?” he asked.
“I’m fine Luke,” I said.
“You sure?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said. I kissed him on the cheek and tried to go back to sleep.
I pretended to be asleep for a while before I could tell Luke had fallen back to sleep. I sat up in the darkness and cried silently. A little bit of light started coming through his window onto my skin. A warm feeling came over me. It wasn’t necessarily a good feeling, but it felt peaceful for a moment.
“And then I wake up drenched in sweat,” I said.***
I looked up at Veronica when I finished telling her about my nightmares. She had this concerned look on her face and she ran her finger over her knuckles as she processed the information. She was talking but I was only half listening. I leaned back against the red velvet of the chair I was sitting in and let my mind wander a little bit.
I heard the words “Post traumatic” and “anxiety disorder,” but I just kept thinking about Henry for some reason. I hadn’t heard from him since he went to rehab and I really needed my best friend right now. He was the only family I actually felt like I had since my mom died.
My attention was drawn back when Veronica took out her prescription pad. She had a serious look on her face that told me I missed something important in my visit to my mind space.
“I’m going to prescribe you an SSRI,” she said.
“It should level out the anxiety you’re feeling and hopefully get rid of the nightmares if that’s what’s causing them,” she said.
“Oh,” I said, “Ok thanks.”
I stood up to leave and she met me at the door with a hug. It wasn’t a creepy cougar hug, but a genuine show of how much she cared about me. Her dark blue eyes met my bright ones and she gave a half hearted smile.
“I’m really sorry this happened to you Aaron,” she said, “If you need anything you have my number.”
“Thanks,” I said, “I really appreciate it.”
I walked out of her office and saw Luke sitting in the waiting room. He was wearing a light green t-shirt that clung to his chest and a pair of faded blue jeans that hugged his hips. He smiled when he saw me and stood up to greet me with a hug.
“How’d it go?” he asked.
“She prescribed me some medication to take,” I said.
“Oh well you want me to take you to get it filled? I need to pick up a few things from the store anyway,” he said.
“Sure,” I said with a smile.
I grabbed his hand and walked out of the building with him. I don’t know what it was about Luke; he just made me feel comfortable being public about our relationship. I didn’t care if people stared; a part of me enjoyed it actually. I just stared right back at them until they looked away.
We got into the car and he turned on the radio. He switched the station immediately over to his iPod converter and put on a Paramore song. I got a big smile on my face as he sang along while driving. When the song finished, he hit pause and grabbed my hand to get my attention.
“Aaron I have a proposition for you,” he said.
“I talked to a couple of my friends about your…predicament,” he said.
“Ehh let me finish,” he said, “My friend Travis invited us to his parents lake house this weekend to kind of relax before finals.”
“I don’t know Luke,” I said.
“You can invite Carly and Mike if you want,” he said with an enticing voice as he fluttered his eyelashes at me and flashed a big grin
“Fine,” I said hesitantly.
“Awesome!” he said happily, “So when do you want to come over tonight?”
“Uhm,” I said.
“What?” he asked.
“These pills are supposed to make the nightmares go away,” I said, “I was thinking I could try sleeping by myself tonight.”
“Oh…okay…” he said.
“You’re disappointed,” I said.
“No,” he said, “I want you to be able to sleep alone.”
“But…” I said.
“Well I just thought maybe you wouldn’t want to…”
“Luke…” I said, “I just need to try.”
“I know,” he said, “If you need me though I’m just a courtyard away.”
“Thanks,” I said squeezing his hand, “I really appreciate that.”
I popped a pill in my mouth and swallowed some water to wash it down. It tasted bittersweet as it went down the back of my throat, but I tried my best to relax. The silence in my room felt louder than noise. I threw my clothes to the ground and wrapped a towel around my waist as I headed out to the bathroom. It was 1:20 a.m. so I doubted anyone who would actually be awake at this hour would be in the building.***
The shower was quick and easy. The warm water felt good against my skin so I stayed in a little longer than I wanted to. By the time I was done I could start to feel the sleeping pill take effect, but I was worried that the other pill didn’t make me feel different. As I stepped my foot out of my stall onto the bright yellow linoleum, I felt the anxiety start to creep back. I tried my best to push it back and relax.
The hallway between the bathroom and my room was dark now. Someone must have switched off the light in the common room, because I could barely see anything. There were a couple of lights on in other people’s rooms so it wasn’t pitch black. I slowly crept down the hallway to my room and pushed the door open.
I froze when I looked through the doorway to a room that wasn’t mine. It was a room that reeked of whisky and cigar smoke. I quickly turned to leave but the door was locked with a deadbolt behind me. I felt my wrists sear with pain as the cloth binding them together cut off my circulation. Somehow I was on the bed now. It wasn’t as much of a bed as it was a pitiful cot in the middle of the room.
He was on top of me. His breath was foul and his touch made my skin crawl. I tried to scream but no sound could be heard. My mouth was bound by a piece of cloth similar to the one tied around my wrists. I shut my eyes, praying for it to be over. When they opened, it was to darkness.
I was awake now. I knew because I was able to scream. Someone heard me from the common room and was knocking on my door. I heard someone say “Security” and “Knock it down,” before I could regain my control over my body. The first thing I did was probably the only thing I was capable of doing. I picked up my phone and called Lucas. My eyes were stinging from the tears and I knew that he was the only one I wanted to see me like this.
We packed up our things into Lucas’ car. He and I were driving alone and meeting his friends at the lake house. I was exhausted. It had been four more nights of nightmares and the pills still weren’t working. The worst thing about it was, I couldn’t help but feel guilty for Lucas. He wasn’t getting any sleep and it was my fault. But I knew he wouldn’t leave my side even if I asked him to now until he was sure my nightmares were gone.***
I tried to sleep during the 2 hour car ride, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want Lucas to worry though so I at least pretended to sleep a little. There was no music for the ride. He wanted me to sleep. I was a little sad about that. I knew he wanted to take care of me, but we’ve always had this small bond over music. Being with him and not having it just seemed wrong to me.
I had my eyes closed when we pulled up to the house. Lucas nudged me and I opened them to a small clearing in the trees leading up a path to a gigantic mansion-like cabin. It was the most luxurious building I had seen up close. I must not have been discrete about my shock because Lucas nudged my shoulder when we stopped.
“Impressed?” he asked.
“Oh yeah,” I said, “It’s so…”
“Big?” he asked.
“Enormous,” I said, “I thought we were going to Travis’ lake house, not Oprah’s.”
He laughed and said, “Yeah Travis’ family is pretty well off.”
We got out of the car and as we approached the house, I became even more intimidated. Not because of the house but because of the people that were waiting inside for me. We came up to the door and Luke reached his hand up to the handle, but I stopped him. I took a deep breath as I clutched his hand.
“Something wrong?” he asked.
“I’m nervous,” I said.
“About my friends?” he asked.
“Aaron there’s nothing to be nervous about,” he said, “They’re gonna love you.”
“Is there anything I should know?” I asked.
“Well, Cherilyn is Travis’ sister, Kelsey is Travis’ girlfriend, and Nick and Travis were next door neighbors when they were growing up.”
“So if I want a future with your friends I have to impress Travis?” I asked.
“You don’t have to do anything,” he said, “I told you, they’re gonna love you.”
He pulled me into him and hugged me. I felt his lips press up against the side of my head. He was always so gentle with me; it was as if he were afraid of breaking me. I smiled at him when he pulled away from me and we went inside, even though I had become even more nervous than before because of something I just realized.
The inside of the house was even more intimidating than the outside. There were several hunting trophies and typical stuffed deer heads around the sitting room that was to the left of the front door. The only light coming from that room was a big lamp in the corner of the room next to the biggest armchair. To the right of the front door was the dining room with a table long enough to fit 20 people and priceless artwork hung around the walls.
We were two steps into the house when Cherilyn came running up to Lucas and embraced him. She was prettier than the last time I saw her. Her hair was longer and she dyed it brown with blonde streaks in it. Her grey band t-shirt and black jeans with a studded belt told me she had fallen into a punk phase.
“Hey gay boy!” she said.
“Must you do that Lynn?” he asked.
“Why? It’s fun,” she said turning to me, “Hey gay boy’s boy.”
“Hey Lynn,” I said with a laugh, “How’s life in your own little world?”
“It’s awesome,” she said with a smile, “They just elected me as president.”
“You’re a dork Lynn,” Lucas said, “So who all is here?”
“Nick and Travis are upstairs playing video games, Carly and Mike are exploring the house…they’re probably lost by now…oh well,” she said.
“What about Kelsey?” he asked.
“She’s cooking up some lunch for us,” she said with a cringe.
“Oh crap,” he said.
“What?” I asked.
“Kelsey’s cooking makes road kill look appetizing,” Lucas said.
“Yeah prepare your stomach.”
“Well wanna give Aaron the grand tour?” Lucas asked.
“You do it,” she said, “He’s your guest.”
“Oh but why would I deny you the pleasure of talking incessantly?” he said.
“I’m so getting you back for that later,” she said as she walked away.
He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me into his side. A smile crept across my face as my heart rate increased. We went up the wood stairs that had small, artistic etchings in them. At the top of the stairs was a long hallway with lamps next to each door. There were gold plaques under each lamp which labeled the room that the door belonged to.
“They usually throw me into room three,” he said.
“They number their rooms?” I asked.
“No,” he said, “Just their guest rooms.”
“How many are there?” I asked.
“Five,” he said.
“Here we go,” he said.
He opened the door and led the way inside. The walls were covered with striped, dark brown wallpaper and the queen sized bed was decorated with a fluffy brown comforter and fall colored pillows. There was a dark red rug covering the hardwood floor and a slick flat screen T.V. across from the bed.
Lucas dropped his bags on the left side of the bed, and I mirrored him on the right side and sat down. The bed was unnaturally soft and forced a look of surprise on my face. Lucas came around and sat down next to me. He took my hand in his and brought his other hand up to my face. Our eyes met and he smiled as he leaned in towards me. My eyes closed as our lips met and the warm suddenly felt warm.
It was too warm now. Even the softness of the bed wasn’t able to comfort me enough to fall asleep. Lucas was turned away from me under the covers. I wanted to reach over and wake him, but my guilt of keeping him awake this week prevented me from doing so. It was too hot now. I threw the covers off of my body and stared at the ceiling. I decided to do something I hadn’t done in a while; I went over the days events in my head. But I decided to mix it up and go backwards.***
I looked over at the clock. It was 12:30 a.m. An hour ago, we were just getting back from the club Carly dragged us to in town. Lucas raided the pantry and found stuff to make smores. We all hung out in the backyard with a small bonfire as we ate. We slowly dropped like flies back into the house to fall asleep. Lucas and I were the last ones besides Travis to go upstairs.
Two hours ago, Lucas and I were dancing together to a local garage band. They weren’t something I would usually listen to, but Lucas seemed to enjoy them so I gave them a chance. They weren’t horrible; I actually enjoyed their sound, but I enjoyed being with Lucas even more.
Five hours ago we were all eating dinner. Travis grilled up a load of steaks for us and Carly and Lynn made some side dishes. Even though I had never actually eaten a steak before, I was ready for seconds before Lucas even finished his first.
Six hours ago, Lucas and I were playing Guitar Hero on the 50 inch T.V. downstairs. He impressed me by scoring over 90% on a Paramore song and I couldn’t help but smile as I watched him play. He got really into it and started doing things to make me laugh. He was even able to face away from the screen during the guitar solo.
Ten hours ago we had just finished unpacking and Kelsey called us to lunch. Everyone seemed hesitant about eating so I was scared to touch my food. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I took a couple bites. Lucas was not kidding; it was like eating a dead rat. How someone could take pasta salad and turn it into that was way beyond me.
I still wasn’t tired. I sat up on the edge of the bed and laid my face into my palms. I don’t know how long I was like that, but when I looked up, he was standing there. The man who smelled like whisky sat down next to me on the bed and put his arm around me. He whispered something into my ear and pulled my face to look him in the eyes.
His eyes were red and full of evil. His mouth was dripping saliva and his hands were covered in dirt. My heart was racing in my chest as I wanted to scream. He grabbed my arm and I flung it away from him.
My arm flew away from him and pulled me off the edge of the bed where I was still sitting. I hit the floor and realized I just woke up from another dream. I stood up and looked around. The man was gone and the room was empty. Lucas was still asleep and my elbow was sore where it hit the ground.
I felt ridiculous, but at least I didn’t scream in my sleep and wake everyone up. I rubbed my elbow and left the room to go downstairs for some water. I walked into the big kitchen and looked through all the cabinets for a glass, but wasn’t having much luck.
“Next to the dishwasher, top shelf,” a voice said from behind me.
I nearly jumped out of my skin as I spun around to see Travis sitting at the table with his laptop in front of him.
“You scared the hell out of me,” I said.
“Sorry,” he said with a grin, “What are you doing up?”
“Just getting a drink,” I said, “You?”
“I’m not really a night person,” he said.
“Ah,” I said as I pulled a glass out of the cabinet.
“You had another nightmare didn’t you?” he asked.
I turned and looked at him with a guilty look.
“Lynn told me,” he said, “You alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
He just sat there quietly as I filled my glass with water. I took a gulp and stood there silently.
“No, I’m not,” I said.
He sighed and said, “Come with me.”
He stood up and walked to the back door. I slowly followed him outside as he led me down a path to a building about a quarter of the size of the house. When we got inside, he flipped a switch and the lights came on. They revealed one giant room full of a variety of gym equipment.
“Travis what is this?” I asked.
“It’s my training room,” he said, “I joined the army a few years ago.”
“It’s huge,” I said.
“Yeah, I never got a chance to get shipped out though,” he said.
“Why not?” I asked.
“About a year ago I got into a really bad motorcycle accident on one of my weekends home,” he said, “I was unfit for combat and they discharged me.”
“That sucks Travis,” I said.
“Yeah it does,” he said, “But I learned something before I left.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Bad things are gonna happen Aaron,” he said, “You’re gonna get hurt, you’re gonna get injured, and you’re gonna get wounded. There’s nothing you can do about it.”
“Well,” I said, “Time heals all wounds right?”
“Not all wounds,” he said, “Some just go numb with time. They go numb until someone comes along and pokes at it. Then, all that pain you thought was gone comes rushing back.”
“No, listen to me,” he said, “You can’t just suppress your feelings and hope that it’s gonna go away. You need to deal with what’s going on.”
“Why?” I said quietly.
“Cause what you’re doing…it’s not healthy,” he said.
“Well what am I supposed to do about it?”
“Come here,” he said.
He walked over to a mat laying on the floor and put on some gloves. He tossed a pair over to me and nodded his head. I put them on my hands and stepped onto the mat. It was soft and squishy, like a wrestling mat.
“I want you to hit me,” he said.
“Picture everything that has hurt you in the past, even the little things,” he said, “And hit me.”
“I’m not doing this,” I said as I started walking away.
He grabbed my wrist tightly and pulled me backwards. I felt him plant his hands firmly on my shoulders as he forced me to look him in the eye. He looked determined to do something.
“Aaron I am not letting you walk out that door until you hit me,” he said.
“You’re insane,” I said.
“No, I’m annoyed,” he said, “I see what’s going on, and what you’re doing is hurting Lucas. I’m not going to let you do that anymore.”
I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to hear this. A part of me thought it, but I didn’t want it to be true. He said over and over, “hit me,” as I struggled to resist the urge.
“The world won’t stop pushing until you push back!” he said.
“Stop running from yourself!”
“Quit hurting Lucas!”
I had enough. I reached my fist around and threw it to his face. I didn’t care if it hit him; I wanted it to. My fist stopped suddenly inches from his face as it made impact with his palm. He was quick, I’ll give him that.
“Nice to see you’re still alive in there,” he said, “Do it again.”
My mind flashed with images as I threw each punch at his torso. My mother…my attacker…Henry…everything that ever hurt me was flying through my mind and my eyes filled with tears. I stopped throwing punches and collapsed to my knees. I was able to stop myself from crying as Travis helped me stand back up.
“Sorry,” I said.
“Don’t be,” he said, “You could stand to kick a little more ass now and again.”
“What the hell’s going on here?” a voice said.
I spun around and saw Lucas standing in the doorway. He looked relieved and furious at the same time. His face was angry but his eyes were terrified.
“Luke,” I said.
“Hey man, just helpin Aaron out a bit,” Travis said.
“Travis…can I talk to you outside for a sec,” he said.
He walked over to the door and stepped outside with Lucas. I slowly walked over closer to the door to see if I could hear what was being said. Lucas was talking softly but clearly. He sounded really pissed off.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he asked.
I pressed my ear up against the door.
“Doing what you should have done a while ago,” Travis said.
“Beating up my boyfriend?” Lucas asked.
“No, helping him,” he said.
“I’ve been helping him,” Lucas said.
“No, you’ve been hurting him,” Travis said.
“I did what he asked me to do,” he said.
“But not what you should have done,” Travis said raising his voice, “He doesn’t need to be protected he needed to learn how to stand up on his own two feet.”
“He asked me to comfort him,” Lucas said.
“You’ve been babying him,” Travis said, “He’s never gonna get better as long as you hold him back the way you have been.”
I threw the door open and put myself between the two.
“Guys!” I yelled, “Stop it!”
They paused and stared at me.
“Thank you Travis, but I need to talk to Lucas alone,” I said.
“Okay…I’ll be in the house,” he said as he started walking away.
“You should have told me you were coming out here,” he said.
“I’m sorry, Travis thought he could help me,” I said.
“No, I mean you should have woken me up,” he said, “I woke up and saw you were gone. I didn’t know what happened to you. I freaked out.”
“Oh…Luke I’m so sorry,” I said as he pulled me in to hug him.
“Just…don’t do that to me again,” he said.
“I promise,” I said, “I’m sorry.”
“Let’s go back to bed,” he said.
It was out last night at the Lake House. Finals were in a couple days and we all had to get back to campus. We were hanging out in the sitting room together, a few of us drinking and the rest of us eating. Kelsey sat down on a pillow near the fireplace in Travis’ arms. I was sitting with Lucas on an armchair lacing our fingers together without realizing it. The room was full of a nice silent moment until Cherilyn perked up.***
“Hey guys, let’s play ‘I never’ for a bit,” she said.
“Ew why?” Lucas asked.
“Cause we haven’t played since like High School,” she said.
“That’s cause it stopped being cool after High School,” Nick said.
“Wait,” I said, “What’s ‘I never’?”
“Oh God! Now we have to play!” Kelsey said.
“Ugh, fine,” Lucas said, “Thanks Aaron.”
“What did I do?” I asked.
“It’s not what you did do Aaron, it’s what you’re going to do,” Cherilyn said.
“I’m…so lost,” I said.
“Here,” she said handing me a plastic cup full of beer, “Take this, and we’re gonna go around the room a few times in a circle. Someone says something they never did and anyone who has done that has to take a drink.”
“Sounds simple,” I said.
“Okay,” Kelsey said, “I’ll start.”
She got up and filled her cup with beer and sat back down on the pillow. She took a moment deep in thought and finally spoke after a couple minutes.
“I never…got caught pleasuring myself by my parents,” she said.
Lucas and Mike both took a drink.
“Oh come on there’s gotta be more of you,” Mike said.
Cherilyn took a drink.
“Ew,” Travis said.
“Okay okay,” Cherilyn said, “Travis go.”
“Alright…I never shot a living thing that wasn’t human,” he said.
Mike and I took a drink.
“The hell did you shoot?” Lucas asked.
“Henry’s dad used to take us hunting,” I said, “I’ve shot three squirrels.”
“Couldn’t shoot anything that moved faster eh?” Lucas asked.
“Oh shut up,” I said lightly elbowing him in the ribs.
“Go Lynn,” Nick said.
“Okay…I never dressed up like a hooker for Halloween,” she said with a smirk at Lucas.
Lucas took a drink with a glare shot at Cherilyn.
“Gross…” I said.
“I lost a bet!” he said.
“I never…got pleasured by someone while I was driving,” Carly said.
Mike took a drink.
“I never pleasured someone while they were driving,” he said.
“Oh come on that’s lame…do something else,” Kelsey said.
“Alright alright,” he said, “I never watched porn while one of my grandparents slept 20 feet away from me.”
Carly and Nick took a drink.
“Car…that’s nasty,” Lucas said.
She shrugged at him and looked towards Nick. As he was saying his I never, something popped into my head, but it wasn’t something I wanted to say in front of everyone. I got up slowly and went out the back door and stood on the porch. Not even five seconds later Lucas was coming out the door with a concerned look on his face.
“Is everything okay?” he asked.
“Yeah I just…” I said trailing off.
He waited a couple seconds and asked, “What is it?”
“I was trying to think of an ‘I never’ and…”
“I never told you…I love you,” I said.
“Wh-what?” he asked.
“I love you,” I said with tears forming in my eyes, “I realized it yesterday when we got here.”
“Hey don’t cry,” he said, “I’m glad you said it…cause…”
Is he saying it back?
“I love you too,” he said.
“Really?” I asked with a smile stretching across my face.
“Of course,” he said.
I stood there awkwardly and said, “What happens now?”
“Well first…you kiss me,” he said, “and then we go inside because it’s like 10 degrees out here.”
I laughed and leaned in to kiss him. Our lips parted and our tongues pushed past into each others mouths. My heart was beating faster than ever. I had never felt this way before; saying “I love you” to someone and having them say it back…it was incredible. It made me feel whole for some reason.
When our kiss broke he smiled at me and took my hand as he led me back inside. When we got back into the sitting room, Kelsey and Travis had already gone upstairs and Cherilyn was cleaning the room. Carly and Mike were heading in the direction of the stairs as well and Lucas and I took one look at each other and started walking towards them.
I wasn’t tired though. When we got into our room I went into the small attached bathroom and took off my pants and shirt leaving me in a tank top and my boxers. I stared into the mirror as I made my final decision to go back into the bedroom. I opened the door to see Lucas changing into some pajama pants and a white t-shirt and just stood in the doorway watching.
“You gonna be warm enough sleeping in that?” he asked.
“I didn’t plan on sleeping in it,” I said.
He looked at me confused. I took off my shirt to give him another hint.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“Very,” I said.
“You don’t get to take this back,” he said.
“I want it Luke,” I said.
“Okay…if you’re sure,” he said.
He walked over to me and put his hands on the sides of my face and kissed me. He was full of lust; I could feel it in the way he kissed me. His hands moved down to my shoulders and down my back. He pulled me closer to his body until our stomachs were pressed together. He pulled away from me for a second to pull off his shirt. His bright hazel eyes stared into my light blue ones for a brief second as he whirled me around to sit at the foot of the bed.
He pressed up against me and kissed my neck. My hands went exploring and ran through every crevice of his muscles. I never actually noticed before but he was very well built. His muscles were really well defined without being really big. His chest was, for lack of a better term, very beautiful. My hands ran down his back and reached his waist. I decided to go for it and ran them both down his ass cheeks. The fabric of his pants made his butt feel really soft, but still tight underneath.
He left out a soft sigh when he felt my hands on his ass. He reached back and pulled the waistline of his pants down a bit and pulled them off the rest of the way just using his feet to push them to the floor. The boxer briefs he was wearing were light blue from Hanes and looked really sexy on him. He pushed me further up the bed and climbed up to join me. He pushed me onto my back and got on top of me. I felt his fingers trail down my chest to my stomach followed by his lips. He stopped just above the waistline of my boxers and looked up at me.
“Aaron, are you sure this is what you want?”
“Trust me Luke…I’m ready,” I said.
“But what about…” he said.
“Luke I’m fine,” I said, “It might not be my first time anymore, but it’s my first time with the boy I love.”
He smiled at me and leaned back up to kiss me.
“If at any point you want to stop…just say the word,” he said.
“I promise,” I said.
He reached over to the nightstand and pulled out a box of condoms.
“Were you expecting something?” I asked.
“Travis always keeps a box in every bedroom,” he said.
“That’s creepy…” I said.
He smiled and opened the wrapper. He pulled his boxer briefs off and rolled the condom onto his stiff cock. I pushed my boxers off and lifted my legs up a bit.
“Deep breath,” he said, “I’ll go slow.”
He pushed his cock slowly up to my hole.
“You ready?” he asked.
“Do it,” I said.
I felt a slight pinch as he penetrated me. It hurt so much for the first few seconds. I could feel his head inside me. I pushed through the pain and tried to relax. He pushed a little further in. The look on my face must have been really bad because he stopped and pulled back a little.
“No,” I said with a grunt, “Keep going.”
He pushed in more. I couldn’t believe the pain at first. It took a few minutes for him to get all the way inside me. When I felt his balls rest against my ass, he leaned in and looked directly in my eyes.
“How does it feel?” he asked.
“Hurts,” I said with a grunt.
“Sorry,” he said, “It’ll feel better soon.”
He slowly pulled out. I felt relief when he was almost all the way out, but he stopped before his head popped out. He slowly pushed back in again. It was easier this time, but still slightly painful. My face felt like it was about to explode. I let out some sharp grunts as he pushed in. I can’t believe I wasn’t more prepared for this.
I felt his balls rest against my ass again and he leaned down and started kissing my neck. Without pulling off of me, he slid his cock out again; this time a little quicker. With his third push in, I felt the balance shift slightly more towards pleasure. I let out a soft moan to let him know it was feeling better.
He pushed back in, a little harder this time. It felt good; no it felt amazing. He pushed all the way inside me until his balls hit my ass again. I let out a soft moan again. He slowly made love to me for a while. When he got close to cumming, he leaned in and kissed me so lovingly I never wanted it to end.
Then it happened. His breathing got rough and his movements sped up. I knew he was close. I pulled on his neck and squeezed my ass around his cock. I felt him erupt inside me as his cock exploded with cum. He collapsed on top of me and kissed me again. We remained entangled in each others arms until we fell asleep. My final thought before falling asleep wasn’t what I thought it was. Until today, I had been wishing for a nightmare-less sleep. But tonight…it was different. The only thing I wanted now was for this, Lucas and I, to never end.
Is this what true happiness is?