: Breakout star of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Lithe, agile and loaded down with blonde hair extensions, Bloom became the most requested celebrity on Google as the ethereal Legolas, an elfin archer. But once out of his long blond weaves, Orlando was abandoned by the teenage girls and his promising career was sidelined by a series of flops.
Why We Hate Him
: Orlando Bloom is an object lesson in how a haircut can make or break a career. Without those elfin ponytails, Bloom has only his soft face and blandly sensitive features to fall back on. As the New York Times pointed out in a review of one of his recent movies, “Mr. Bloom distinguishes himself, in this performance as in most of his others, by his steadfast reluctance to explore his range as an actor.”
In a word, Bloom is B.O.R.I.N.G.
Why We Love Him
: He appeals to the cheap little teenage girl in all of us. Truth be told, he makes our man-pussies wet as the morning dew. And because we’re much too butch to be feminized by so pretty a young elf, we want to grudge-fuck him into Middle Earth.
: For Being an Unsurpassable Bore, Orlando rates a healthy 7. However, he was not so boring that he couldn’t be featured in one of our favorite Hollywood rumors in which he and Viggo Mortensen were banging cod pieces in the wilds of Mordor. Therefore, on the Cock We’d Most Like To Fondle on a Foggy Night in the Shire, Orlando gets a 9
FINAL TALLY: 7/9