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  1. #51
    Piggy
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    "What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? 'Live ammunition.'"

    "Palestinian girl says to her mommy: 'After Abdul blows himself up, can I have his room?'"

  2. #52
    Piggy
    Guest

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    How many Iraqi's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Four.

    One to screw in the light bulb.

    One to claim that they've actually screwed in 300 light bulbs.

    One to claim that they've unscrewed 150 American light bulbs.

    And one to claim that they're screwing and unscrewing light bulbs for the Palestinians.

  3. #53
    Quanchi
    Guest

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Here's a good knock knock joke, from youtube:


  4. #54
    JUB 10k Club
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    What's the difference between a male prostitute, your lover, and your boyfriend during sex?

    The male prostitute says, "Are you done yet?"

    Your lover says, "You're DONE already?"

    Your boyfriend says, "Do you think we should repaint the ceiling?"





    Never regret anything, because in that moment it's exactly what you wanted.

  5. #55
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    (NOTE: I heard this joke more than 20 years ago - LONG before I had ever heard of our Gery in Vancouver. But, in keeping with the theme, I've turned this into a joke that takes place in Canada. NOTHING else, other than wording differences, have been changed here. Indeed, it involves a piano, as I originally heard it.)

    Many years ago, while traveling to Canada, I decided that I wanted to "wet my whistle" a little, and perhaps end up with a little nookie as well, so I decided to go to a gay bar. It was a Monday night, though, and there were only about 40 people in the place, though it looks like there can easily be 150 or more in here on a weekend night.

    There was a guy talking to the bartender, and he seemed to be very distraught. I thought I'd eavesdrop, in case there was anything I thought I could offer to the conversation. I mean, there wasn't much else to do - the place didn't look the least bit "cruisy" at the time. Everybody was hanging out in couples or small groups, talking.

    He was telling the bartender about his frustrations in getting his music "heard." Paraphrasing, I heard him say something like "I've been composing piano tunes for years and years, and I KNOW that I'm really good. Anybody who has ever heard me play has told me it's the most beautiful music they've ever heard. I've been told that I should become as famous as Chopin, Tchaikovsky or Bach , my music is THAT good. But I've been sending demos to record labels for years, titling my compositions, and I never hear anything from them again - or they tell me to take a hike."

    "Damn egotist," I was thinking to myself, "I'll bet this guy's playing really sucks, and his friends who hear it are only patronizing him and trying to make him have a false sense of confidence."

    The bartender said, "Well, it's not very busy in here on Mondays, not even busy enough to justify hiring a musician, but there's a piano over there past the dance floor, and you're welcome to bang on it a while if you feel like it. It'll have to be volunteer and not paid, though."

    The customer thanked the bartender and said, "Sure, I might as well" and he walked over to the piano and sat down.

    And he began to play.

    I then saw one of the most amazing things I've ever seen in my lifetime. The music just poured out of that piano.

    The music...

    stopped...

    the...

    place...

    COLD.

    He made some music that I didn't even think was possible on a piano. I cannot come up with any words to describe how sublime, how beautiful, how hypnotic his music was - and the beauty had me crying within the very first minute.

    ALL conversations stopped. Even the drinking stopped; I could see a number of people transfixed, entirely frozen and motionless, mostly with their drinks on the tables and bar, but in a couple cases with the drinks held in the air but still frozen in place. Without exception, all faces were focused on the very same spot in the bar. (It even took some doing for me to break myself away, enough to ascertain what was going on.)

    He played for about 15 minutes. When he stopped, there was NO APPLAUSE. The clientele were simply too dumbstruck and speechless to do anything, and hardly anybody had even moved yet. After about a full minute of silence (you could have heard a cricket in there), one cute guy, who looked like an Olympic gymnast in his hot tanktop, started to clap, and the whole place became a cacophony of deafening applause and cheering. All this from such a small crowd!

    After the applause subsided, he walked back to the bartender and said "See? I do play beautiful music, don't I?"

    "I still don't understand why I get nothing but flak from the record labels, if they even bother to contact me back at all. Again, I send them demos, and I put the TITLES on the songs, and that's all that ever happens."

    "Yes, I agree completely with you," the bartender said. "By the way, that second-to-last thing that you played was beyond any possible description, it was so incredible. What was that one called?"

    "Oh, that one," said the piano player, is called "I Love You So Fucking Much That I Could Shit."
    "All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - 28th Amendment, US Constitution?
    "But, hey, who cares about women and their rights when the religious liberty of a nationwide chain of arts and crafts stores is at stake?" - Daily Kos, 30 June 2014
    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

  6. #56
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    > Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the
    > same day.
    >
    > They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted
    > to Heaven.
    >
    > The angel said 'Unfortunately, there*s only one space in Heaven
    > today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'
    >
    > The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she
    > should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these,
    > they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will
    > please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
    >
    > The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth
    > the same question.
    >
    > The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it
    > without saying a word.
    >
    > The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into
    > Heaven.'
    >
    > Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you
    > two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She
    > simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain
    > that to me?
    >
    > 'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush
    > beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'
    "All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - 28th Amendment, US Constitution?
    "But, hey, who cares about women and their rights when the religious liberty of a nationwide chain of arts and crafts stores is at stake?" - Daily Kos, 30 June 2014
    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

  7. #57
    a.k.a. Mary-Robbie robbieadam's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some discussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

    One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.

    After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead.

    "There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette.

    "No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.

    Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?"

    "What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"



  8. #58
    Shit is not Holy!!!
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    There were three girls in a boat in the middle of a lake; one was a redhead, one brunnette, and the other blonde. The boat was 100 meters from land. The three decided they would swim to land, but was not sure how far to swim.

    Finally the redhead was tired of waiting so she jumped out and swam 25 meters and she got tired and drowned. After some more waiting, the brunnette got tired too and she jumped out of the boat and swam 50 meters and she was tired and drowned.

    The blonde decided to wait some more, but got impatience and she jumped out of the boat and swam 75 meters, but she got tired and afraid of drowning, she turned around and swim back to the boat.

  9. #59
    All Star Daniel Murphy
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

    The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

    About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.

    "Yes, my son?" said the priest.

    "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

    "And what was that, my son?"

    "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.

    "That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

    "Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

    "What's that, my son?"

    "Well, I have three 55 gallon drums full of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married what am I supposed to do with it?"
    http://www.justusboys.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic101694_8.gif

  10. #60
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Subject
    >Investment tips for 2007
    Investment tips for 2007
    >
    >For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so
    that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
    >
    >Watch for these consolid ations in 2007:
    >1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co.
    Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
    >
    >2. PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
    Poly, Warner Cracker.
    >
    >3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMM Good.
    >
    >4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and
    become: ZipAudiDoDa
    >
    >5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
    >
    >6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
    Honeychild.
    >
    >7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
    >
    >8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott
    NOW!
    >And finally ...
    >
    >9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
    TittyTitty Bang Bang
    "All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - 28th Amendment, US Constitution?
    "But, hey, who cares about women and their rights when the religious liberty of a nationwide chain of arts and crafts stores is at stake?" - Daily Kos, 30 June 2014
    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

  11. #61
    Rambunctiously Pugnacious JayHawk's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    The Colonoscopy
    > >
    > >
    > > All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying
    > > to decide who was the one in charge.
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run
    > > all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > "I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I
    > > circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste
    > > away."
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I
    > > process food and give all of you energy."
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry
    > > the body wherever it needs to go."
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow
    > > the body to see where it goes."
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm
    > > responsible for waste removal."
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and
    > > insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
    > >
    > > Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
    > > the stomach was bloated,! the legs got wobbly, the eyes
    > > got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided
    > > that the rectum should be the boss
    > >
    > > The Moral of the story?
    > > The ass hole is usually ALWAYS in charge!
    Everyone can be great, because everyone can serve.
    ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.


  12. #62
    I Score Like Blow. LatinoSTAR's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    ^ LoL Love It!!!!

    A blonde, a brunette , and a redhead were all captured by the spanish police, and were forced to be executed by firing squad, the police lined them up in front of a wall, they asked the brunette if she had any last words, she Quickly shouted
    "tornado" and pointed, the police looked away and the brunette made her escape.

    Frustrated, the police then asked he redhead if she had any last words, the redhead quickly shouted "earthquake" and pointed away, the police looked away and the redhead made her escape

    now extremely frustrated, the police decided not to fall for any more tricks, they asked the blonde if she had any last words, trying to fool the police the same way the other girls did she Shouted "fire"!

  13. #63
    Sex God KangaWallaFox's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Once upon a time there was a cute gay couple. Adorable they were, uhuh. Anyway.....one day one of them suddenly died. Very sad. His boyfriend was devestated.....sooooooo, he asked for his boyfriend to be made into a curry. Ya know, as ya do. When asked why, he replied: I just wanna feel him dribble out my ass one last time.

    *sniff*

    The End.


    i have the taste you can't resist...

  14. #64
    Ranting Ideologue! sparky95's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    An Englishman goes to Dallas for a business convention and is picked up at the airport by a limo.He says to the driver "Isn't this a bit excessive for one person?" and the driver shakes his head saying " Everything is big in Texas!"
    The Englishman arrives at the hotel. Its huge. He comments on the size to the receptionist, and she says "Everything is big in Texas!"
    After he unpacks he goes down to the bar for a drink and the bartender makes him a massive Highball. The Englishman is a little shocked by this and says so to the barman. The barman shrugs and says "Everything is big in Texas!"
    By this time the Englishman is a little drunk and needs to go to the toilet. But as he is a bit disoriented he takes the wrong door, trips and falls into the gigantic indoor pool.So he looks up and screams "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON"T FLUSH IT!"
    " Lets blow this fascist popsicle stand!" C.Montgomery Burns

  15. #65

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Dear Abby:

    I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

    My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City.

    I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.

    I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.

    My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

    Should I tell her about my uncle who voted for Bush?

    Signed,
    Worried About My Reputation

  16. #66
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Ah...I'm necroposting again.

    Considering the age of this thread, I'm surprised how many people in here still show up as active. Amazing!!! (And I can see, I think, at least two who are active other more recent or reinstated identities...certainly ONE with the Q in his name for sure.)
    ***********************************
    A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

    So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

    "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

    "Morris Feinberg," he replied.

    "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

    "For about 60 years."

    "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

    "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

    "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

    "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

    "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

    "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

    "Like I'm talking to a wall."
    "All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - 28th Amendment, US Constitution?
    "But, hey, who cares about women and their rights when the religious liberty of a nationwide chain of arts and crafts stores is at stake?" - Daily Kos, 30 June 2014
    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

  17. #67
    Hard-up1
    Guest

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Aw.

    I should be happy to remember the joy Andreus was in life, but I'm just saddened to remember how short his life was.


  18. #68
    Filling in for Tits McGee kevbo's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    A baby seal walks into a club...

  19. #69

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    humans die cause
    NO just kiddin
    they live faeva ons reality tv shows

    haaaa

  20. #70
    Kien
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    I told my chemistry class a joke once...there was no reaction.

  21. #71
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Quote Originally Posted by Hard-up1 View Post
    Aw.

    I should be happy to remember the joy Andreus was in life, but I'm just saddened to remember how short his life was.

    You're not alone. I think that Andreus made a big impression on a LOT of us.
    "All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - 28th Amendment, US Constitution?
    "But, hey, who cares about women and their rights when the religious liberty of a nationwide chain of arts and crafts stores is at stake?" - Daily Kos, 30 June 2014
    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

  22. #72
    Young at Heart ravenstar's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Why did the Plum hire a lawyer?

    Cause he was in a jam.

  23. #73
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    What type of flashlight does a native use at night, when climbing down from the Andes, so that he can see where he's going?

    Incan descent. (I just now made this up)
    "All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - 28th Amendment, US Constitution?
    "But, hey, who cares about women and their rights when the religious liberty of a nationwide chain of arts and crafts stores is at stake?" - Daily Kos, 30 June 2014
    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

  24. #74
    JUB Addict mikey3000's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    A nurse was giving a sponge bath to a comatose woman when she noticed a reaction on the machine from the patient when her genitals were washed. She quickly called the woman's husband and he rushed right over. She explained to the husband what happens when his wife's genitals were washed and suggested that maybe some action on his part will bring his wife out of a coma. He was a little surprised but since he loved his wife dearly, he would try anything. The nurse suggested a little oral sex and assured their total privacy. She closed the curtain and left the room.

    A few minutes later the woman's machine alarm went off and the nurse rushed into the room to find the woman had flatlined and passed away.

    The nurse turned to the husband and demanded to know what happened. "Nothing!! I just did what you said. I think she choked."

  25. #75
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke



    A Japanese VIAGRA ad might say:

    "If condition persists more than four hours, call an erectrician."
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails viagraswitch.jpg  
    "All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - 28th Amendment, US Constitution?
    "But, hey, who cares about women and their rights when the religious liberty of a nationwide chain of arts and crafts stores is at stake?" - Daily Kos, 30 June 2014
    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

  26. #76
    I love the way you laugh. Thynight's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    What did the 0 say to the 8?









    "Nice belt."
    I couldn't get my mind off you all day.
    ~~~~ ~~

  27. #77
    Kien
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Quote Originally Posted by Thynight View Post
    What did the 0 say to the 8?









    "Nice belt."
    Hahahaha I love this.

  28. #78
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    What's the square root of 69?

    8 something.
    *******************

    The First Ever Blonde GUY Joke...

    An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

    They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."

    The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

    The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

    The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

    The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

    The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas ! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

    Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
    Last edited by frankfrank; July 17th, 2012 at 04:45 PM.
    "All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - 28th Amendment, US Constitution?
    "But, hey, who cares about women and their rights when the religious liberty of a nationwide chain of arts and crafts stores is at stake?" - Daily Kos, 30 June 2014
    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

  29. #79
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    ^
    Never regret anything, because in that moment it's exactly what you wanted.

  30. #80
    I love the way you laugh. Thynight's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Quote Originally Posted by Kien View Post
    Hahahaha I love this.

    That has been my favorite joke for years.

    A magazine I use to read asked each US Representative and Senator to send them their favorite joke. This one got me the most.
    I couldn't get my mind off you all day.
    ~~~~ ~~

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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Father Mike and Father Rico were standing together peeing at the urinals. Father Mike couldn't help but sneak a peek at Father Rico's junk, where he discovered a Nicorette patch. "Um, Father Rico, it's none of my business, but I think those patches are supposed to go on your arms, no?" "Nawww!" replies Father Rico. "They work fine right there. I'm down to three butts a day."

  32. #82
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Newt Gingrich and Jesse Helms had just passed another anti-gay law and were about to shake hands when a congressional aide told them they couldn't, "The law clearly states a prick can't touch and asshole."
    "Masturbation, at least it's sex with someone I love!"

  33. #83

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    A guy with a duck on his head walks into a psychiatrists office. The shrink says, "How can I help you?" And the duck says, "Can you help me get this guy off my ass."

  34. #84
    Gay and Deaf! DeafFoxDemon's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    who is Andreus? and btw, all the Jokes are funny as heck
    Dorothy: Look, fluffhead. Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial, YOU are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.

  35. #85
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Andreus was a rather opinionated Greek guy who lived in the Boston area. His heart was in the right place, and he was steadfast and sincere in his beliefs, which he sometimes expressed very strongly here. It was very evident that he was a caring, and highly intelligent, person.

    He died several years ago from AIDS, and he continued to post here as long as he could. Briefly his brother Mitri (who some people think wasn't "real" but I definitely think he was, because the styles were very different) was hanging out with us in here. Andreus' English was flawless...Mitri's English was not very good but he was still able to communicate his thoughts in a surprisingly intense manner.

    Andreus is missed and was respected by the great majority of people who got to "know him" (to the degree that's possible on an Internet forum, at least), even those who vehemently disagreed with him.
    ****************
    The Heaviest Element Known to Science

    The CSIRO in Australia has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

    The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

    [EDIT: I assume that is the number of people who sit in Parliament?]

    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

    Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

    Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

    In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

    This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

    When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.
    Last edited by frankfrank; July 21st, 2012 at 02:57 PM.
    "All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - 28th Amendment, US Constitution?
    "But, hey, who cares about women and their rights when the religious liberty of a nationwide chain of arts and crafts stores is at stake?" - Daily Kos, 30 June 2014
    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Just another of those days!

    There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a huge, hairy biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

    "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

    "Come on, dude," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

    "This is the worst day of my life, I say". "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took to get home. I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me."

    "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

    But enough about me, how's your day going?"
    "All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - 28th Amendment, US Constitution?
    "But, hey, who cares about women and their rights when the religious liberty of a nationwide chain of arts and crafts stores is at stake?" - Daily Kos, 30 June 2014
    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

  37. #87

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    has nice day now
    * ooh *
    or press 2 if ya no like has nice day now
    * ooh *
    or press 3 if ya no like 2
    * ooh ? *
    or press 4 if ya no like 3
    * UH? *
    or press 5 if no like 4
    * gah *
    or press 6 if no like 5 ans if like hear all options again press O we is company wot a care jingull jungull happy doo
    * smash *
    thankyou for ya waitin ans has nice day or
    * smash smash smash *

    so how ya new phone thang?
    * takin up smokin *
    ooh dat nice

    yes we is SMILE you ans afta please fill in preformance thang so we can IM PROVEEEEEEE smile a fa you
    * SMASH SMASH SMASH *
    why ya kickin da door? SMIIIIIILEEEEE or

    world folk sure awsums

    lucky awsums no read this
    " SMIIIIIIIILEEEEEE "

    ooh

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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    A while ago a new supermarket opened in Chicago . It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

    Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

    When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

    In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

    When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

    The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

    I don't buy my toilet paper there.
    "All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - 28th Amendment, US Constitution?
    "But, hey, who cares about women and their rights when the religious liberty of a nationwide chain of arts and crafts stores is at stake?" - Daily Kos, 30 June 2014
    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

  39. #89
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Why did Sally fall off the swing?

    Because she has no arms.







    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    Not Sally...
    I make my bed with the stars above my head and dream of a place called home.

  40. #90
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    ^


    What did Sally get for Christmas ?


    Nobody knows, she couldn't open it.

    Last edited by seven2go; November 19th, 2012 at 10:13 PM.

  41. #91
    Filling in for Tits McGee kevbo's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Two deer walk out of a gay bar, one turns to the other and says, “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there!”

  42. #92
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    What's the square root of 69?

    8-something.
    "All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - 28th Amendment, US Constitution?
    "But, hey, who cares about women and their rights when the religious liberty of a nationwide chain of arts and crafts stores is at stake?" - Daily Kos, 30 June 2014
    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

  43. #93
    Sex God Essex Boy's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    This isn't a joke, it was a clue in a crossword puzzle. But it tickled me and it might tickle you:
    Of of of of of of of of of of (10 letters).
    Come, knit hands and beat the ground,
    In a light fantastic round.

  44. #94
    Slut LemonMonk's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    What do you call a computer that can sing?

    A Dell.

  45. #95
    Quality posting since 2K7 Nishin's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Quote Originally Posted by Essex Boy View Post
    This isn't a joke, it was a clue in a crossword puzzle. But it tickled me and it might tickle you:
    Of of of of of of of of of of (10 letters).
    Well I'm puzzled all right... hope you'll give the answer

  46. #96
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Quote Originally Posted by Essex Boy View Post
    This isn't a joke, it was a clue in a crossword puzzle. But it tickled me and it might tickle you:
    Of of of of of of of of of of (10 letters).
    Don't leave us hanging...inquiring minds want to know (the answer).

    Deepak Patel had just finished his Masters Degree in tiddlywinks, and he felt so very liberated. "At last! No more studying, no more term papers, no more exams, no more Thesis! I think I'm going to see what this big United States is all about."

    He filled his car with his meager belongings, and headed east from the University of California at Riverside. He had wanted to go to Las Vegas his entire lifetime (well, since he found out about it in Grade 2 back in Trivandrum, India), so he headed up Interstate 15 and spent a couple days there, somehow managing to lose $71,943.22! The 22 cents came from the hole that showed up in his pants pocket, because there aren't any gambling machines in Las Vegas to accommodate such a small amount of money. He continued up to Interstate 70, turning east there. Much later in the day he reached Denver. "Cool! A CAPITAL! I really love visiting capitals."

    And the day after he left Denver, he had that thrill again, at Topeka. He was also so happy that he had a lot of spare time to play Naked Twister with the entire Phelps family. You know, after all, that "God's family puts the FUN in dysfunctional." (This IS NOT really a joke, I saw that exact message on a church in Cornelius, Oregon in 2006...)

    But, considerably later in the trip, about four hours after passing through St. Louis, Missouri and approaching yet ANOTHER state capital, he suddenly realized "Oh, DARN...I forgot to take the food out of the refrigerator and the fruit bowl back in California. Oh well. I'm certainly not going back there for that. Some leftover palak paneer, five or six eggs, a few apples/bananas/oranges, and some yoghurt..."

    And about an hour later, at that state capital, there was the arrival of Deepak, the somewhat weary Indian, apple-less. (Sorry, this isn't a very good joke...I just now made it up...)
    Last edited by frankfrank; November 25th, 2012 at 06:39 AM.
    "All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - 28th Amendment, US Constitution?
    "But, hey, who cares about women and their rights when the religious liberty of a nationwide chain of arts and crafts stores is at stake?" - Daily Kos, 30 June 2014
    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

  47. #97
    Sex God Essex Boy's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    I forgot all about this! The answer is OFTENTIMES.
    . . .
    Q: Why do you never need to go hungry in the desert?
    A: Because of all the sandwiches in it.
    Come, knit hands and beat the ground,
    In a light fantastic round.

  48. #98
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.

    The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run"

    The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN". The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

    The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk."

    The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!"

    The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

    The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
    "All legal U. S. residents who are 18 years or older, shall have an unconditional right to vote." - 28th Amendment, US Constitution?
    "But, hey, who cares about women and their rights when the religious liberty of a nationwide chain of arts and crafts stores is at stake?" - Daily Kos, 30 June 2014
    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

  49. #99
    JUB Addict mikey3000's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    This woman, a virgin, is on her very first flight when the engine sputters and the plane starts to go down. In a panic the woman jumps up and screams, "OMG! I have never felt the love of a man and now I'm going to die!!! Argh!!!!! Who here on this plane is man enough to make me feel like a woman before we crash?" This tall, dark and georgous young man stands up and slowly walks up to her as he takes off his shirt. He grabs her tight in his arms, hands her his shirt and whispers in her ear, "Here, iron this."

    Inspired - but too tired.

  50. #100
    I love the way you laugh. Thynight's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    "A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much?'

    "The hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

    "The guy says, '$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'

    "The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'

    "'Yes.'

    "'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'

    "'Yes.'

    "'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'

    "'Yes.'

    "'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'

    "The guy says, 'What the hell? I'll give it a try.'

    "They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

    "He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1000?'

    "The hooker replies, '$1,500.'

    "'$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that.'

    "The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy.

    Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'

    "The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job says, 'Sign me up.'

    "Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into his retirement saving for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

    "He asks the hooker, 'How much for some pussy?'

    "The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window. Do you see how this whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'

    "'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'

    "'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'"
    I couldn't get my mind off you all day.
    ~~~~ ~~

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