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  1. #1
    In Loving Memory Andreus's Avatar
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    somebody tell me a joke

    i need some pleasant conversation to lighten my mood

    had a long day at work and i just cant shake the emergency feel of that emergency room

    anyone know of some nice things happening in the world tonight?

  2. #2
    Do you lick pussy?
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    guess what






























    CHICKEN BUTT!!!

  3. #3
    In Loving Memory Andreus's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    i just walked outside and saw the moon

    i didnt even know it was full until just now

  4. #4
    I feel pretty
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    There once was a man from Nantucket
    Whose dick was so long he could suck it.

    While wiping his chin,
    He said with a grin,

    "If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it."
    Who dear? Me dear? Gay dear? No dear!

  5. #5
    Eat the Halloween Candy! chatolandia's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    <- is laying next to me, she smells funny, but it si still adorable


    pouring into the night
    on tainted fingertips

  6. #6
    I feel pretty
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    OOPS! That was a limerick. You wanted a joke. Sorry.
    Who dear? Me dear? Gay dear? No dear!

  7. #7
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    A drunk staggers into a bar in Las Vegas.

    He looks at the bartender and says, "I bet you $3,000 that if you put a shot glass at the end of the bar that I can piss in it without spilling a drop."

    The bartender smiles and says, "Let's see your money."

    The drunk reaches into his pocket and counts out $3,000 in cash and places it on the bar.

    The bartender says, "Alright you've got a bet!" At that point he places a shot glass at the end of the bar.

    The drunk struggles to get up onto the barstool, and nearly falls off of the bar but finally get's himself situated.

    At that point the drunk unzipps his fly and proceeds to piss all over the bar, everyone sitting at the bar, and even the bartender while not getting anywhere near the shot glass.

    The bartender starts to laugh his ass off and says to the drunk, "Don't you feel bad now? That's the easiest $3,000 that I've ever made! Don't you feel bad losing that much money that quickly?"

    The drunk ignores the bartender while he negotiates his way off of the bar, and then sits back down on his barstool.

    He then looks at the bartender and says, "You see that couple sitting at the booth over there?"

    The bartender looks and says, "Yeah, why?"

    The drunk smiles and says, "I just bet them $15,000 that I could piss all over you, the bar, and everyone sitting at it, and that you'd laugh your ass off!"

    Never regret anything, because in that moment it's exactly what you wanted.

  8. #8
    I want to believe
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    a bear and a rabbit were shitting in the woods.

    the bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "excuse me, but do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

    "why no. i have no trouble with shit sticking to my fur" answers the rabbit.

    so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.



    i know, i know... it's the best i could come up with on short notice.

    /shrugs




  9. #9
    Slut matchbook's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    2 camels walk into a strip bar, they finally come out and one camel says to the other..."hey that looked like my toe"

  10. #10
    getstoseven
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    ^

    Two jumper cables walk into a bar............

    The bartender says "I'll serve you..............just don't try and start anything"........ .......

  11. #11
    icemanindc
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    A golf club goes to a bar and order a drink. The bartender refuses to serve him. The golf club says, why not?? The bartender says because you'll be driving later.

  12. #12
    In Loving Memory Andreus's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    heres a joke i read from an arabic site the other day

    it may not translate that well....

    the Iraqi conflict between the shiites and the sunnis will soon be renamed more appropriately.... one damned thing after another

    ( meaning that the sunnis and the shiites are the two damned things after each other)

    i guess its a hard one to translate....lol

  13. #13
    T-Zero
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    These two strings walk into a bar and the bartender says to them "we don't serve your kind here".

    The strings look at each other and say "huh?" and the bartender repeats, "we don't serve strings here, so get out".

    So the two strings walk outside and sit down on the curb.

    One string is so distraught he tangles himself all up and starts to unwind his ends.

    "What are you doing?" says his buddy.

    "Just watch" he says

    He walks back into the bar and the bartender says "Hey arent you one of those strings that just came in here a few minutes ago?

    And the string says.....

    No sir, I'm a frayed knot.

  14. #14
    Porn Star QuietChivalry's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    What did the horny math student say to the other?

    "I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves."

    ...ok, maybe I'm not good with jokes. But I thought that was the shit when I heard it.
    If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA Helicase so I could unzip your genes.

  15. #15
    I want to believe
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    an old favorite...

    A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

    The barman says, "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."

    "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

    The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

    On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

    "Yeah, my wife..."




  16. #16
    T-Zero
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Ok. The implied rape aside, (no offence to JUB's women) I still find this joke funny.

    Superman's flying around the city. He's really randy.

    He sees Wonder Woman through her apartment window lying naked on the bed.

    He flies through the window and quicker than a speeding bullet, undresses, mounts her, climaxes, dresses and flies off.

    From out of nowhere comes this deep moan.

    Wonder Woman says, "What's the matter?"

    The Invisible Man says, "That hurt like hell".

  17. #17
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Some farm humor:

    Q: What do you call a Milk Man who wears high heeled shoes?

    A: A Dairy Queen.






    Q: What do you call a cow laying on the ground?

    A: Ground Beef.



    Q: What has only one horn but gives milk?

    A: A milk truck.
    Never regret anything, because in that moment it's exactly what you wanted.

  18. #18
    darlingstacy
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potatoe?










    A: A dictator...

    *groan*

  19. #19
    van-ee
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

    thats gross...

    (One more....oldie but goodie....)A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is twelve inches long. It weighs so much that it's pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So he asks, "What's he cure, doc?" The doctor replies, "Well, we have to cut off six inches."

    The man is eager to cure his stuttering so he agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later, the man calls the doctor and tells him that since he's had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He insists that the doctor do another operation to add the six inches back on.

    There is silence on the other end of the telephone, so the man repeats, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my six inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-u-c-k y-y-y-y-ou!

  20. #20
    Daemon0101
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Two female prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says to the other, "Ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

    The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."

  21. #21
    Slut justhappy's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

    To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

    The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

    Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

    We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

    The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

    The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

    The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

    If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

    A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

    A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

    A will is a dead giveaway.

    Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.


    A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

    If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

    With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

    A guy fell to an upholstery machine , wasn't hurt much but he was fully recovered.

    You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

    A calendar's days are numbered.

    A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

    When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

    If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

    When he saw his first strands of gray hair, he thought he'd dye.

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    Acupuncture: a jab well done.

  22. #22
    JUB 10k Club
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Quote Originally Posted by justhappy View Post
    HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

    To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

    The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

    Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

    We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

    The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

    The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

    The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

    If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

    A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

    A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

    A will is a dead giveaway.

    Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.


    A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

    If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

    With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

    A guy fell to an upholstery machine , wasn't hurt much but he was fully recovered.

    You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

    A calendar's days are numbered.

    A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

    When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

    If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

    When he saw his first strands of gray hair, he thought he'd dye.

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    Acupuncture: a jab well done.


    I Love those!
    Never regret anything, because in that moment it's exactly what you wanted.

  23. #23
    BeardedWoof
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?






















































    Beer nuts are $3.50 and deer nuts are under a buck!

  24. #24
    Heavy metal lover
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    I gotta a tip for you....


    never pet a burning dog.


    I'm beautiful in my way - cause god makes no mistakes - I'm on the right track - baby I was born this way!

  25. #25
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    How about a visual joke?

    Cat on an invisible bike


    Cats on invisible bikes collides with Cat on an invisible ladder



  26. #26
    DOUGHBOY
    Guest

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    How Do You Make A Gay Man Scream Twice?










    Fuck The Shit Out Of Him
    Then Wipe Your Dick On His Curtains

  27. #27
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Oh, another one, since you're on CE&P sometimes:

    Some joker in the White House made a telling remark..



  28. #28
    Heavy metal lover
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    if it's gonna be cats doing stupid shit, I much prefer this... cracks me up everytime!!

    I'm beautiful in my way - cause god makes no mistakes - I'm on the right track - baby I was born this way!

  29. #29
    Quanchi
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Swimming is really good for you... especially if your drowning.

    How come when you give a homeless person money for food, you never get the food?

    Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger... unless the accident cripples you.

  30. #30
    Hard-up1
    Guest

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    This blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing, so she gets all the gear and heads out onto the ice. She sets up a shelter, rigs up her gear, and prepares to cut a hole in the ice to fish. No sooner does she begin to cut the ice, and she hears this booming voice from above, "There are NO fish under the ice!"

    Startled, she looks around, but sees no one. Nonetheless, she gathers her gear and moves further down the ice. After getting set up, the same thing happens. A voice booms, "There are NO fish under the ice!"

    This time, she's clearly more rattled, and still can't see anyone.

    Finally she moves down the ice and sets up for a third time, but once again hears the voice right as she begins to cut the ice, "There are NO fish under the ice!"

    Frustrated, she gathers her courage and looks up and asks, "God, is that YOU?" A moment later the voice returns, "NO, lady, this is the RINKMASTER!"


  31. #31
    Ex-Texan AaronG's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Okay, I'm a musician, so here we go:

    Conductors:
    What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
    - The bull has horns in front and an ass in the back.
    What's the difference between a conductor and a flaming sack of shit?
    - The sack.

    Violists (my trade):
    How are violists' fingers like lightening?
    - They never hit the same spot twice.
    Why do people usually take an instant dislike to the viola?
    - It saves time.
    How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
    - Shoot them all.

  32. #32

    Re: somebody tell me a joke


  33. #33
    Contemplating timnmostud's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Quote Originally Posted by teddy14 View Post
    That is funny and somehow sad and true at the same time, which makes it funnier, I think!

  34. #34
    A Prolific Love Maker!
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Did you ever hear the story about Rabbi Goldstein and Father Mulligan? They had breakfast one Friday morning and were discussing what each other was doing that morning. The priest said he had to leave right away to hear confessions.
    The rabbi asked if he could observe to see how it worked. So after they arrived back at the church, woman can in and confessed that she had been unfaithful to her husband five times in the last month. Father Mulligan gave her five Hail Marys and Five Our Fathers for penance and told her to put $5 in the poor box as she left.
    A few minutes later a man entered the confessional and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Father Mulligan asked him what he had done, and he said he had been unfaithful five times in the last week to his wife. Again the penance was five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and $5 in the poor box.
    Then Father Mulligan asked the rabbi if he would pinch hit for him while he answered the door at the rectory. The rabbi said he thought he could handle it.
    Soon another woman came into the confessonal and confessed infidelity to her husband twice in the past six months. So Rabbi Goldstein told her she could leave and come back later. There was a special today, five infidelities was only five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and $5 in the poor box. "Come back later for the special."

  35. #35

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    What did one ovary say to the other ovary? Did you buy any furniture? No why? Because there are two nuts trying to push in an organ.
    <groan, moan, grunt, snort>

  36. #36
    JUB Addict elra's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    My sex life right now. Ba dum, cha.

  37. #37
    Sex God
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    A guy walks into a bar...............................and says "ouch"!

  38. #38
    Thankfully Liberal & Gay
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    What do you call a group of male prostitutes?

    Peter Sellers.
    BOSS: I'm sorry, but I'll have to lay you and Jack off.
    SUE: Can you just jack off? I feel like shit today.

    Things that come to those who wait, are often left over from whoever got there first. (source: pharmaceutical spam 2007)

    "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

  39. #39

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when
    he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little
    ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

    The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being
    pulled by her dog & her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a
    closer look.

    "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with
    admiration.

    "Thanks," the girl replied.

    The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had
    tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles. "Little
    partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run
    your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
    think you could go faster."

    The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
    then I wouldn't have a siren."

  40. #40
    Porn Star number2's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of blood.
    Another Vampire walks in and does the same.
    A third walks in and says "Give me a cup of boiling water"
    Expecting him to have followed suit, the bartender was like "Why the fuck do you want that?"
    The third vampire replies "I've got an old tampon- I am making tea."



    A blind man walks into a fish market, inhales deeply through his nose, and proclaims "Hello Ladies!"
    ___________________
    M50 E36PWR FTW!
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  41. #41
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    A duck goes into a drug store and says "Give me some chap stick--- put it on my bill!"


    (Wow, that joke cracks me up! I'll be laughing the rest of the night!! Don't know about you, Andreus, but I feel much better! )
    Stone cold sober as a matter of fact.

  42. #42

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    This guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I have a problem. I think I'm a moth."

    The doctor says, "I'm sorry to hear that, but you don't need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you come into my office?"

    The guy said, "Well, I saw the light . . ."

  43. #43
    Slut loppyears's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    MAUDE & MABLE

    Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

    Maude: What in the hell is that?

    Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

    Maude: Where did you get it?

    Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

    The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

    "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

    The pharmacist fainted.

    A classic

  44. #44
    Pure in Heart
    winterknight's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    There were two parrots, sitting on a perch.

    One said to the other: "Can you smell fish?"

    *waits*...
    The wolf is carnivore incarnate.
    Only immaculate flesh pleases him.
    --The Company of Wolves by Angela Carter

    The Braindump - an infrequently updated blog

  45. #45
    Sex God Luminox's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    Ok,a girl at uni told me this joke and I was laughing my ass of for I don't even know how long . But then again, she has the same whacky sense of humour I have, so not everybody will find this funny..Not everybody laughed at uni, at least !

    Ok, there was this man who had two statues : one of a young woman and one of a young man. These statues were enchanted, and they could for ONCE only, become humans for a single hour.

    One day, the man goes outside in his garden (where the statues were), and doesn't find the statues where they normally are. He starts searching the garden for them, and finally as he starts approaching the bushes at the end of the garden, he sees the bushes shaking, and hears their voices.

    "Aha !" , he thinks amused, "they decided to fuck and have some good ol' fun for that one hour, huh ?". Then, as he gets closer to the bush, he hears the boy telling the girl :

    "Ok, my turn !Now YOU hold the pidgeon and I will shit on it !"

  46. #46
    JUB 10k Club
    CTF's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.

    Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone.... "I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."



    A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin stop clapping, ya arsehole!"
    You Got To Love the Irish
    Never regret anything, because in that moment it's exactly what you wanted.

  47. #47

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    The Picture On The Night Stand

    After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her
    nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he
    nervously asks.


    "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
    "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
    "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
    "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
    "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
    "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

    "That's me before the surgery."

  48. #48
    marko_nikko
    Guest

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    three tomatos are walking down the streets. papa tomato,mama tomato,&baby tomato. the baby tomato starts laggering behind, and papa tomato gets really angry goes back & squishes him, and says, "catch up".
    ketchup

  49. #49
    The Ire Brigade Jeimuzu's Avatar
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    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    I lol at some of you. But some of you make me groan!

    Hm, can't think of anything. I'll just have to yoink one from someone.
    Peter and John are chatting.

    "Hey, John, how's your kid doing?"

    "I don't really know, my ex-wife doesn't really let me see him all that often." John sighed. "I'd have equal rights to him, but Marjorie managed to make me look violent and aggressive, so now she has total control."

    Peter gasped. "But you're so level headed! How could she make you look aggressive?"

    "Well, one night we were having a bit of an argument, and in the end I saw red. I threw a whole trifle all over her."

    Peter nodded in understanding. "So she got custardy?"
    I had to rewrite this to make it work in text, sorry if I made it suck.
    I took this!

    DeviantFART Myspade

  50. #50
    Piggy
    Guest

    Re: somebody tell me a joke

    A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not
    an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Palestinian !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

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