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  1. #1
    van1977
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    Embarrassing admission

    I just wanted to get something off my chest. Considering the nature of this forum I figured this would be the best place (especially with the anonymity of the Internet).

    The last two years I have been coming out to myself and exploring my sexuality (later in life than most guys but I have been deeply closeted). I've had girlfriends in the past but I had only two experiences with other guys. As a closet guy I didnt know any gay men or know how to discretely meet any. Desperate to explore my homesexuality I started checking out a couple of the local gay cruising parks (found out about them on the net)

    At first I would just wander around the fringes, frightened to death to get involved. Eventually I got up the nerve to let a few guys suck my cock. I said to myself that I wasn't really gay and that I am just experimenting and letting guys blow me, everything is ok. Things progressed to the point where I would start sucking guys off any now I do that almost exclusively. I figured I probably have sucked cock 25 or so times at the local cruising park now. I have become far more brazen now, sucking off guys while others watched, one time even sucking off two guys while a group looked on. I have even jerked off in front of groups of guys (usually when I cant find anybody good looking enough to suck off). There have been some other embarrassing things I have done but I don't want to get into that right now (I feel stupid enough).

    I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me because I am usually a very conservative guy and the last person to do anything like this in public. When I get home from the park I change back into my 'normal' self and can't imagine doing anything so public.

    Anyway, I don't know if there is any real point to my story I just wanted to get it off my chest.

  2. #2
    gaywill19
    Guest

    Re: Embarrassing admission

    i know ur closeted but i wouldnt call that coming out at all having sex with strangers youll never seeing again, the only real way to come out is to let people you know and are freinds with know your gay.
    i also want to say that i hope you get tested regularly with those kind of habits. if you dont you are putting urself and ur hookups at risk.
    im sorry if my posts bothers u because its stern or mean, but with the kind of stuff your doing now i just dont think it is safe, and its just a way for u to stay in the closet while still getting ur nuts off easily

  3. #3
    van1977
    Guest

    Re: Embarrassing admission

    Well I don't have sex at the park, its just me giving blowjobs. I have had sex with a couple of guys elsewhere but I made sure they used condoms.

  4. #4
    ...and I'm not sorry JUB Friend Soilwork's Avatar
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    Re: Embarrassing admission

    well, sounds to me like you need to stop hanging out in parks and maybe make a few gay friends.

    Vancouver has a great gay community, and I bet if you have th guts to blow a total stranger, you have the guts to strike up a conversation with a new potential friend.
    Gentlemen.... Thank you.

  5. #5
    On the Prowl
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    Re: Embarrassing admission

    giving a blowjob's making sexual contact, you can still catch something from a dick, what you get and chances of getting it may vary, but it's still risky.

  6. #6
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    star-warrior's Avatar
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    Re: Embarrassing admission

    ^ Ryan welcome, and yes, you're right. Be safe!!

    You're addicted to the thrill, but you need something more stable. Try asking one of these guys if they're interested in becoming sex buddies, for raw physical sex without emotion. When you've figured yourself out, then maybe you can find real love.


  7. #7
    JUB Addict drhladnjak's Avatar
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    Re: Embarrassing admission

    Sorry, but oral sex is still sex that's why it's called...oral sex.

    Either way, when you suppress your sexuality, it's likely to come out in less healthy and less emotionally fulfilling ways like looking for anonymous sex in cruising parks. The fact of the matter is that in this day and age in a city like Vancouver, BC it's not necessary to resort to such outlets for sex. Moreover, in such situations you are at risk for being arrested and being charged with a crime--definitely not a good thing.

    I know a guy who was seriously addicted to anonymous for many years while staying in the closet. There was a cycle of sex followed by guilt, self-loathing, being 'normal' again and then back to the park/toilet/etc. for more sex. A few years ago he came out and began to turn his life around because the whole anonymous sex addiction thing ultimately made him unhappy.

  8. #8
    On the Prowl
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    Re: Embarrassing admission

    not to de-rail but...
    ty for the welcome Star, I should prolly make my way to the Freshman Orientation to make a proper howdy.

  9. #9
    I'd rather be a Sexgod:)
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    Re: Embarrassing admission

    Stay safe. Do not forget that.

    Stop worrying too much about it. You obviously enjoy it, otherwise you would not be doing it over and over again.

    Consider the legal ramifications of you actions. You want to have fun alright. Make sure this does not end in a serious trouble.

    Your actions clearly show that you are into men. For all the practical purposes, you are as gay as we get to be.

    Do you have to live a gay lifestyle, wave the flag, hang out in bars, have a m2m LTR or whatever? Do you have to come out to some or to everybody?

    All of that is only up to you and only for you to decide about. You know thyself and you know your situation, you are in charge and any you must make your own decisions.

    SC

  10. #10
    The Baroness of Bling
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    Re: Embarrassing admission

    Quote Originally Posted by van1977 View Post
    When I get home from the park I change back into my 'normal' self and can't imagine doing anything so public.
    People don't "change back"... you're you, twenty-four/seven. Retreating to a false persona is a comforting little lie that we tell ourselves when we do something that doesn't fit into the conformist life-pattern we've invested so much time and effort into; but it's the behavior that shows us our true selves, not the lies we tell ourselves to maintain our facades.

    "I can't believe I did that last night!"

    "What's not to believe? Belief is for when you don't know something for sure; but you know what you did! You were there!"

    Vancouver is not exactly a jerkwater town... it's a metropolis, with skyscrapers and suburbs and everything! There are plenty of places to get to know gay men in real life (anonymous sex in the park is not real life, BTW, it's just sex), to take another little baby-step out of the closet. That same internet from which you found these sex-parks will lead you to support groups or community groups that might help you dismantle your false facade and start living real life.

    Being a conservative kind of guy and being gay are not mutually exclusive concepts anymore, and that you might find some conservative gay groups! And of course, you found JUB, too! I'm told this place is quite a coming-out resource. There's a whole forum about it!

    Welcome, van1977! We look forward to getting to know you better!

    * Question the Dominant Paradigm *

  11. #11
    The_Pianist
    Guest

    Re: Embarrassing admission

    If you like to sing, or would like to, come join the choir I'm in.

  12. #12
    Bradlee
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    Re: Embarrassing admission

    I'd agree with others here,start making some new friends.
    If you had the courage to start some experimenting with guys,you'll have no problem meeting the right people if you just put yourself in the right areas to meet them.You should refrain from behavior that will just create a temporary fix.It can and does become very addictive and unsafe.

    Public parks or anon sex is not the answer,you'll just wind up empty inside at best.
    It also becomes insane: Repeating the same behavior expecting different results.

    The problem with sex is we always want more.It's not a bad thing to want more,it's just how you get it safely and in a manner that is repectable to who you want to be,not what everyone else thinks is best.

    I do wish you luck.At a time when I was finding myself,there wasnt much support out there and the behavior you are experiencing led me on a path of empty feelings for years leading to many other "sustitutions" for sex and other dangerous,expensive mistakes.

    After a while of this behavior it becomes extremely hard to allow yourself to be loved for long periods.

    Welcome to JUB BTW and you'll find alot of support here if you want it.

  13. #13
    van1977
    Guest

    Re: Embarrassing admission

    Thanks for the good advice guys.

  14. #14

    Re: Embarrassing admission

    Welcome van1977. Your discussion of your park activities reminds me alot of when I was younger around 25 years ago. Coming from a small town to a big city (Vancouver) was somewhat intimidating and I also met people in parks for sex early on. I know the feeling you describe scared, excited, horny all at the same time. Very hot. I can say now, probably not a good thing to have done back then and probably more so now. Too dangerous. I wouldnt take all the heat here everyone has given you about your acitivities too seriously. Everyone is different and handles things in there own way. Just be careful. There has been some great advice given here tho about finding other safer ways to find the thrill ie internet, telephone, personals etc. Just so you know Robert~Marlene gives the best advice around here so maybe go back into his archives and have a read. Just my opinion.
    ~What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.~

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