Of course it does! You're coming forward and telling people who you are
Of course it does! You're coming forward and telling people who you are
How naughty can I be and still go to heaven?
True. I'm finding it extremely difficult to conclude who I can trust. I'm thinking if I knew someone that was already out, that person might be the first I tell, but I don't know anyone that is.
I've been waiting for someone to ask me flat out, but no one ever has.
I'm not going to tell you it'll be easy. But I think it's comparable to any other major piece of news in your life. You chose not to finish university? Why? You bought a new car? Why? You're moving to Peru? Why? Those who love you will react individually. You know how sometimes people make things into big deals and you never expected they would? Well it's like that. Or, it could end up being the biggest deal to you, and not to them.
As for it "changing things", everything changes. We might love our lives right now, but sadly we can't make today the status quo. People we care about are going to leave, get mad, die and all those other awful things we'd like to hope won't happen. Ultimately, you can't choose how to live your life based on whether or not the timing is good for other people.
That said, pick your moment. Remember that you'll feel able to handle whatever comes afterwards when you're truly ready. And that sometimes, you never know until you jump.
Excellent Advice. I just spilled the beans myself and if someone didn't slready know-they did not act any different to me yet.
Most importantly don't rush anything.
I'm sorry that's not much help but I wanted to say something supportive.
I really don't think there is a right or wrong way of doing, just know that it should be done with tact, in the end it's who you are I was blessed to a have a really good close female friend who is very open minded to this topic, I came out to her first, and she really helped me, I finally had someone to talk to and it felt good. Even though that was just a start it really helped me build up my confidence and courage.
To get the most out of this forum, I would suggest that you start a thread and tell us as much of your story as you are comfortable telling. You will get a lot of support here. Good luck and I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now.
I'm not saying it will take you seven years but it might be a while before you are again confident enough to take the shot. I can say that one day you will come out again and it will go much better.
^^^I think this happens more than we like to think. Very few guys are able to fool everyone. Most have a fair number of people who already knew.
We all think we're so clever by not mentioning the gender of our date last night when we talk about him at work.
Or we think "I'm too busy at work/school to date" is a reasonable excuse to tell people why you're not dating a girl (and/or have never dated a girl, LOL).
But, c'mon. People aren't stupid. Those are probably the biggest clues that you are gay.
Your friends, family, & coworkers/fellow students may be in denial, but
They already know you're gay!
So, just let them know.
Don't worry about them; just be comfortable in your own sexuality before you come out.
Can someone offer me advice?
I've been debating whether or not to post about it here for a few months, but I kept on getting nervous about putting myself in the open.
Anyway, I'm about to be a senior in high school and I found out that I'm attracted to guys in 8th grade when I was in the lockerroom (Anyone else discover it this way?). For the first couple years I tried denying it, thinking htat it was a phase that would hopefully end soon. Obviously that didn't change, but at one point (about a year and a half ago), I was settled on just getting married to a woman one day and holding in my sexuality. At the beginning of junior year I concluded that couldn't work, but since then I've made no move at all to coming out.
Since the vast majority of my friends are teenagers, I often run into negative comments about homosexuality ("That's so gay," "You're a fag," etc.). Although they're not directed at me or my sexuality, it still makes me feel incredibly insecure and just scared in general. Really whenever the topic of a relationship comes up, I get uncomfortable because I haven't been able to be honest with people. However, I'm afraid that when I do come out, that everything will change. How do I know if my friends are just saying homophobic comments because the phrases are just ingrained in their vocabulary and they're not homophobic, or they really are homophobic? It's hard to tell when some of them will use one of those phrases so vehemently.
I'm a little worried about how my parents will react, too, but my sister assuaged those fears when she mentioned that the parents are fiscally conservative, but open about social issues like homosexuality. I'm not sure if it was completely incidental and she had no idea that I'm gay, or she thinks I'm gay and was just trying to give me advice on how to come out. My parents don't currently have any gay friends, but one of my mom's roommates in college is a lesbian. The one member of my close family I'm most worried about is my twin brother. I know he's straight (a couple times, after typing in google, I accidentally saw his searches), but like my friends he often uses homophobic slurs. And he seems to use them more often than they do, but of course my comparison of him and my friends is skewed because I live with him. Anyway, on Facebook he's listed as "Liberal" for political views, but to me he's always been close-minded about most things. However, I've never heard him express his opinion about homosexuality. I mentioned my sister's comments earlier on homosexuality, and after she went into talking about gay marriage and debating whether or not it's an issue of respect for gays or a financial issue (tax benefits), I noticed my brother was very quiet throughout.
I think I covered everything. Sorry it's so long. There are just many factors that are making me scared to come out. I'd like to come out before I graduate from high school (in case you're wondering, I'm already 18 - my mom put me into pre-school late), just so whenever I run into my friends and classmates again, I won't have to do it person-by-person. But feel free to tell me what you think about coming out before graduation or not. Part of me just wants to go to college, and then when the topic of girls/past girlfriends come up, I'll just tell my roommate I'm gay. Anyway, any thoughts/advice?
P.S.: I do have a gay friend with whom I'm kinda close. Do you think that I should come out to him and then ask about how he came out? He's a year older than me, but we don't hang out very often. I think the only time I'd be alone with him next is when I do a college visit to where he'll be enrolled.
Coming out to another gay person is not a bad strategy at all as out of everybody, they're probably the most likely to not have a negative reaction. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if the gay friend already has his suspicions about you. You could go either way though. Waiting until college will give you a fresh start, but doing it now might give you a head start on coming to grips with being out I suppose.
You'll know when the time is right, but it sounds to me like you're on the cusp of doing it yet still feeling some final discomfort. Remember though--there's never going to be an absolutely perfect time. You'll probably be a nervous wreck and there will almost certainly be some awkwardness, but once you push through that you'll be glad you did it!
You shouldn't read too much into phrases such as you hae mentioned. Calling things "gay" is so often used these days that it has lost much of its original power.
My closest friend is the most accepting person I know but he still calls things gay. I know he never means it as offensive.
Hi there, I'm new here.... but I've actually seen this site for quite a long time, just didn't join.
Anyway, about me, I'm pretty sure I'm gay but I only realised it since about 3 years ago. Since I was 13, I kinda admired boys more than girls, but I thought it was just a phase or that it was normal. But then I gave in to the thought that maybe I was gay, and tried to accept it, up until now. I don't hate myself for being gay, in fact, I kinda like it, but the problem is, in my country, everybody isn't as open and free about these kind of topics.
I'm in secondary school now, and I've actually planned on telling one of my friends, one of my closest friends so to say... but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. There was a time when I was determined and ready to tell him, but when the time came, the words just couldn't come out of my mouth. I would either just call him, then say it was nothing, or my mouth would just try to change the topic.
On the other hand, even though I'm pretty ready, I'm just afraid of losing a friend, just in case, since I've never actually heard about any gay people in my school yet. I guess their all bottled up because of the society I'm in.
Sorry if its a little long, but I just need you people's advice. pls post whatever you guys can say.
Do you know what his stance on the matter is? Has he ever said negative things about gay people? By the way, calling things 'gay' does not count as it is so prevalent in today's society that it's lost its original connection. Does he dislike anyone because they are gay (eg. celebrities)?
It's a hard step to take, but if you trust him and you believe he will be ok with it then you should go ahead with it. You have already said that you are ready except that you are afraid of losing a friend. You can't really be more ready than this because you will always have some fear the first time.
I really wish I could tell him, since I do trust him. Its just that, first of all, I'm afraid of losing a friend that I've known so well. And besides that, I'm just afraid that he'll look at me/things differently. Like say.... when I'm playing with other friends, or during class trips or sometimes swimming/picnic trips, I'm just afraid that he'll think differently of me, and maybe avoid staying near me or whatever, during those times, even if he understands me...... well, you guys should know..... hard to explain how its like, but I can imagine it, since once you know something about someone, you can't 'unknow' it or look at things as it was.
Another thing I'm nervous about is How I'm gonna tell him. Should I actually plan what to say, or just find a time and blurt it out?.... I've actually told another close friend of mine quite some time ago. But I think I kinda put the sentence slightly wrongly, and he misunderstood me, so things didn't turn out too good, but well, he's still one of my closest friends, just that he pretends that I never told him anything about it, since I told him to do that if he felt uncomfortable with it.
I just don't want to do the same thing again and have someone knowing, but yet trying to pretend he doesn't know. Any advice, anyone?
why do you feel like you need to tell him?
I'm from Malaysia, anyway, Haha, haven't checked this post for quite some time lol.
Guess quite some things happened in the last month.
I managed to tell that friend of mine. Well, actually, I didn't 'tell', he guessed it.... I was just saying that I had something important to tell him, and that it was one of my largest secrets.... and he asked for some time to think (I think he was analyzing what he knew about me, lol), and after 20 mins, he knew what it was all about and some other details about it, without me having to say anything except yes and no.
For now.... he's taken things fine, though he doesn't really understand how the hell I became gay, and still can't really accept it, tries to find girls for me (without success). But he's still one of my best friends, and he's the same old guy. A few more people know now, including his girlfriend (which I asked him to tell), and another girl.
Haha, thanks guys....
In fact it gets easier each time you tell..... told another girl just this tuesday and another guy yesterday. They're fine with it lol.
Things do get easier after the 1st step. I was worried like you since I was living in Malaysia as well. But after I came out, I found that most people don't really care. Now, I'd already come out to 7 persons and I no longer hide my sexuality
Hope that your future coming out will be as good
I think first thing you gotta do is go out and meet people...
Right now, you sound like you need some friends. Get a hobby, a job, or something.... I guess you're about 19?? Find something you like to do, and get to know more people, make friends... and find someone you can trust. If you think you shouldn't tell your family, then don't.... or at least, don't yet.
And btw... DON'T feel that there's something wrong with you.... There's nothing wrong. Thats all I can say... since I'm also kinda new to these stuff...
Hope you get better.
Hey, everybody. I've been a lurker here for quite some time, but now I feel it's time to contribute since it seems like a very nice community.
Anyway, I turn 22 soon, and I know that it's finally time for me to come out. Up until a couple of months ago, I was convinced that I'd stay closeted forever, but a lot has changed since then.
So, I'm actually seeking some advice on good ways to come out. What I've been wanting to do is write a blog (myspace and livejournal) about it and to just let all my friends find out from there. There's a lot I need to get off my chest, and I just feel like this is a good way to fill everybody in on it. For some reason, however, I feel like this might turn out negatively. Would it be better to do it in person? Has anybody else had some experience with coming out like this?
I'm so excited to do this, and I just want to make sure everything goes smoothly.
They're are many ways to come out and different ways work for different people in different circumstances. One advantage you'd have using a blog is that you can craft your words exactly. Another is that it may be easier to convey the idea in writing that it's not a big deal. In particular, that can avoid awkward conversations that may arise if and when you want to tell somebody you know but who you're not particularly close with ("hmm... why is he telling ME this?"). Coming out in person is often harder to plan because there may be questions or other reactions by who you're telling that may divert what you were planning to say.
In my case, I came out on my blog after I'd come out to a few key people in person already. Looking back, it actually worked pretty well. Keep in mind that typically anybody could read your blog. Even if it has friends-only features, a friend could show it to somebody else. You have to treat it as a public announcement that you're gay. In my case, I didn't want my parents (for example) to find out I was gay from my blog so I made sure to tell them first. At the time I didn't think they were reading it, but you really can never be sure.
I'm married with two kids, college age. I'm happily married but consider myself bisexual. I met a really great guy and I want both I know it sounds selfish but I do love my wife very much. Please help me with my problem.
I think your situation will be more like the second. You've been friends all your life so there is something there that won't just disappear.
I wish you all the best.
i really don't know what to do myself...my parents would be extremely disappointed in the best case and absoutely ticked and might kick me out in the absolute worst case. no clue on how my friends would take it. i've had serious relationships w/ 3 girls and have no clue how it might hurt them. just found out i got accepted into college which is a whole nother round of "now what?" am i just maybe bi?? confused? agh! my senior proms coming up and will prolly be going w/ a girl but deep down i'll probably be all messed up. shoudl i be out in college or somewhat closeted the whole time? i've heard there's no such thing is bisexual? is this true? i just have so many questiosn.
Well the best thing to do if you have questions is to ask . That's what JUB is here for, and that's what we're here to answer. So ask away, tell us your story in depth. What are your concerns, and most importantly, shed any pretense you might have and be real. What do you feel about yourself?
Are you gay? Are you Bi? First of all, what has helped you come to any sort of realization of your sexuality? Is it something you've always known? Is it something that's recent? Was there an experience involved? What do you REALLY think? Are you bi? Are you attracted to girls? Or have you just been doing it because it's what you've had to/been expected to do? Have you had any experiences with guys? Do you want to? Do you feel like you want only sexual relationships with guys, or do you really feel like it's more than that, that you want relationships with guys?
A lot of times, people when they first come to terms with their own sexuality, label themselves as bi. It's a way of "softening the blow" to themselves. People figure if they're bi, at least they're hanging on to "straightness" a little bit. But in that case, it really is another way of fooling one's self. Most people who say they are bi when they FIRST set upon coming out, or coming to terms with their own sexuality, do realize that they aren't bi, but gay, and that labeling themselves as bi was a last hold-over of being in the closet.
That's not to say they're aren't bi people, there are. But are you? That's only a question you can answer, and most people know it either way deep down. So deep down, are you really bi? Or are you gay? Either way, this is the best and safest place to take a first step in saying it, and accepting it yourself.
As for coming out in college, that's a whole other topic. I think more important is that you come to accept yourself first, and figure out if you are gay, or bi. Then you can worry about coming out to others in your life (it's not that hard by the way and your parents might not take it as badly as you think, beleive it or not; and you will do it eventually, it's just a matter of when you feel most comfortable with yourself). It may be that college is when you do it, it may be that you do it before you leave high school, or it may be after college. It depends on your situation. Tell us more about it .
Talk to us, ask questions. Start your own thread in the coming out section. We'll see you there . PM me if you'd like.
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when I cumed out my 'rent were MAD! they told me i was in line with the devil! I still havent ever told my friends that im gay!!!?!?!?!?!?!?
i did it today to my bi/gay mate, pretty easy, now i just need to ask him out
the conversation went as follows:
''..... You know last night i was on about that secret thingy bob'' - me
''Oh yeah, tell me'' - him
''Nah, its alright'' - me
''Oh FFS tell me!'' - him
''Your not the only one who is bisexual'' - me
''What, you are'' - him
''ummm...yep'' - me
''Cool, see its not that bad'' - him
then we started discussing when we found out, what percentage of us like the opposite sex, etc
- - - - - -
Hahaha, i always find that being drunk helps a thousand fold. n fact i have told about 6 people (i only just started a few weeks ago) and i was drunk for 5 of them, but so were they. Start off by telling people you know will react positively to get the confidence up. I just wish i didn't have to do it so many times. They are always scary and emotionally draining. I swear it would be easier to just change my "interested in" on facebook to males and let everyone figure it out for themselves....
Anyone come out by e-mail or mass e-mail. I have only come out to one person, but I am seriously considering sending an e-mail to my dad, and my two brothers and two sisters.
I see some advantages - this will give my famly members a chance to read the news, have a chance to digest it and then we can talk.
Also this way I'll be able to say exactly what I want them to know, if I tell them in person - I know I'll be nervous and not say exactly what i want.
Sure, part of the reason is that I'm scared to death, but I think in some ways it is better to do in written form.
(just an aside, recently a good friend told me he is getting married - he told me by e-mail and I'm glad he did, because I think it is a big mistake for him to be getting married right now, and if he had told me in person, I likely would have told him, that. but by doing iti in an e-mail t gave me a chance to come to terms with it and realize, he wasn't asking me for advice, so I was able to congratulate him properly)
OK, tell me why this is a bad idea
Well I've come out to three people via MSN. It's not the same as email because you've still got that 'live' aspect, but I find it is easier as my fingers never choke up
For me, coming out has become addictive. I dunno, I've never liked attention but maybe that's why. Now I want the attention I missed out on
Anyone ever come out by email, or mass email?
I'll be back in a bit to share my perspective on your post, and I hope that you're not horrified that I posted your question in the open for others to comment on.
If you don't like the idea then please post report this thread, or send me a PM and I'll take care of it for you.
Favorite comment quote read on Youtube: "My Laptop fell off the back of the boat, and now I have a Dell Rolling in the Deep."
I think we can all appreciate the difficulty that exists in "coming out". (I didn't come out to myself until I was 50.) I first told a close friend from work. He was apparently str8, so I thought that he would be a good "test" case, to see how he reacted, and how I reacted to him.
He told me about having an older male lover between marriages that lasted for 5 years, until the guy died. He said he still cries for him, he misses him so much.
The next person I told was my str8 buddy I'd known for 30 years, since my days in the Army. He looked at me with a blank face, and wanted to know what he was supposed to do with that information. He really didn't care at all.
The third person I told was a guy I'd been panting over and j/o'ing over for 10 years... (and still do).... His reaction was "and this changes what, how?"
It's never as bad as we expect it to be. True friends don't care. But, I suppose it does sort out the true friends from the creeps in our lives pretty quickly. And who needs the proven creeps?
Cancel posting. Came up in the wrong slot.
Good stuff 1big14me. It gets addictive doesn't it?
Keep it up!
"Straight-acting" is relative. There are many more clues about someone being gay than just watching Project Runway.
Your request is not stupid or messed up in any way--it's totally natural! Have you come out to him yet? If so, what happened? If not, what's holding you back?
Just tell him. There's never the "perfect time". It doesn't matter how much time is left. You have more time than you will next week.
man, I guess I was just somewhat smart. I told the biggest loud mouth I knew(my boss) intentionally cus I knew she was going to tell everyone, and then she told the people I worked with who knew most of my friends from high school and I just let word get around...
People asked me and it was easy to be like, "yeah...i'm bi and dating a guy." I dunno, it just made things a shit load easier cus I didnt have to initiate the conversation with my friends and I didnt have to go and tell everyone individually and use a lot of my time.
Now, three years later it's just common...it's like a game of telephone that you set up yourself from beginning to end.
for any person coming out. they only have to be in allignment with themselves and their own acceptance. "I am that which i am, and you are that which you are, and altho there are differences, they are all good".
best advice is not to come out
Nice, let us know how that goes.
All of my close friends know but I still haven't told my family.