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  1. #1
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    How to come out?

    Ok, now that i'm in college i feel i should be myself and come out to my friends. if you meet me you'd never guess i'm gay b/c i just act like one of the guys. i'm rooming w/ my best friend so i feel i should come out to him first. he's mentioned before how he is fine w/ gays so he probably won't care much, but i just feel like i've lied to him my whole life and decieved him since i've known him since 3rd grade and he thinks i'm straight.

    my question though is how should i come out? should i just randomly be like "yeah, i'm gay..." or should i wait until it is more appropriate and are talking about girls or next time he talks about someone gay? any advice on what ways work best or anything that worked well when you guys came out? thanks a lot i'm really freaking about it b/c i want to get it over w/ as soon as possible.

  2. #2

    Re: How to come out?

    First be mentally and emotionally ready, if you aren't you will have a bad experience, or the experience won't go as well as it should.

    Second pick someone you are close to and you know will do probally the best with the news of all the people that matter to you. This person is the easiest, so practice on them first before doing the harder ones on them. (You have already done this step)

    Third tell them that you need to talk to them, get there attention and make sure they are listening just don't spring it on them from the middle of nowhere. They deserve to give you their full attention, and they need to be "mellow," just listening and taking it all in.

    Finally spill the beans, say whatever that feels comfortable with you. Be yourself, and be honest.

    Your friends may be hurt at first that you didn't tell them earlier, or they may be hugging you and congratulating you. Rarely do friends have a real problem with it for believe it or not you probally unconsciously have been selecting friends that accept you. Family is harder, for you can't choose your family, and there is a greater chance of a bad reaction.

    In the end, you didn't choose to be gay, it just happen. You can't change it, so just make the best out of your life and enjoy yourself. Being gay doesn't change you one bit in the slightest, or make you inferior or greater than other people. Its a bigger deal for you than it is for other people.

    And once its all over you will smile uncontrollably, for your real life has begun

  3. #3
    Porn Star SFMusic's Avatar
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    Re: How to come out?

    Bravo Roland, excellent advice.

  4. #4
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    Re: How to come out?

    Quote Originally Posted by riden3 View Post
    Ok, now that i'm in college i feel i should be myself and come out to my friends. if you meet me you'd never guess i'm gay b/c i just act like one of the guys. i'm rooming w/ my best friend so i feel i should come out to him first. he's mentioned before how he is fine w/ gays so he probably won't care much, but i just feel like i've lied to him my whole life and decieved him since i've known him since 3rd grade and he thinks i'm straight.

    my question though is how should i come out? should i just randomly be like "yeah, i'm gay..." or should i wait until it is more appropriate and are talking about girls or next time he talks about someone gay? any advice on what ways work best or anything that worked well when you guys came out? thanks a lot i'm really freaking about it b/c i want to get it over w/ as soon as possible.
    You sound/seem very certain that this is the right thing to do. That's great. It means you are comfortable with who you are. I think coming out to an open person (your roomie) is a good way to go - with likely positive results. He may be upset about you springing this on him after so long but perhaps he suspects - maybe. Better to tell him now then later or never. He may not see it that way initially but eventually.

    I agree with Roland00 - be honest - be yourself - seems like you are already doing a good job with that.

    Keep me/us posted. I'm excited for you

  5. #5
    Still confused..... confusedboy23's Avatar
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    Re: How to come out?

    Great posts here I see. There is so much for me to learn from this thread too and riden3, you have my best wishes!

    I've also been tempted to share my sexuality issues with my close friend but I still have not found the guts to do so yet. I have only just accepted myself so I guess I'm allowing time to help me accept myself better before I do anything else!

    But I really am glad that you know who you are and you have found a friend worth sharing with.

  6. #6
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    Re: How to come out?

    Quote Originally Posted by riden3 View Post
    if you meet me you'd never guess i'm gay b/c i just act like one of the guys.

    every guy in the closet thinks that. don't have anything else to add except its never as hard as you imagine it will be.
    and it hurts with every heartbeat......



  7. #7
    ...and I'm not sorry JUB Friend Soilwork's Avatar
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    Re: How to come out?

    sb is right...

    every closeted guy thinks that nobody knows. And the'yre usually wrong.

    He's told you he has no problem with gay people.. so.. maybe he was letting you know it's ok to tell him?

    I found the best way to tell someone (and I haven't had to in a LONG time), is to just blurt it out. don't make a big deal, don't give a big set up or a big preamble.. just.. blurt it out.

    And good for you for wanting to live life as who you are.

    Lots of men dont' EVER have the guts to do that.
    Gentlemen.... Thank you.

  8. #8
    JUB Addict drhladnjak's Avatar
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    Re: How to come out?

    I have only one thing to add since everybody's already said lots of good advice.

    It doesn't matter so much how you say it as much as that you say it at all. It's gonna be hard for you and possibly awkward for all involved. You've just got to get over that hump and do it. Afterwards, it won't really matter if you just say it out of the blue or wait until he's talking about girls.

  9. #9
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    Re: How to come out?

    Hmm, I think I disagree somewhat. Most of what's here I agree with. But I would say that out of the blue is way harder for somebody to react to than slipped into a conversation. They feel a need to react and don't know what to say.... kind of like a girl blurting out "I'm pregnant" (don't know if it ever happened to anybody here, but it did with my best friend... and not by me fyi). It's very hard to come up with "the right thing to say". But if you casually mention it in a conversation, it is easier for them to process and respond to. Just my two cents.

  10. #10
    JUB Addict drhladnjak's Avatar
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    Re: How to come out?

    I agree that reactions can differ based on circumstances, but I hold that in the end such differences usually aren't that big of a deal. The danger in waiting for the perfect moment, is that either it will never come or that when it does you've built things up so much that you chicken out. Using a condition like "I'm going to tell him tomorrow night when the two of us are eating dinner alone" is more likely to get this resolved than using a condition like "I'll tell him the next he brings up girls and I feel awkwakrd".

  11. #11
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    Re: How to come out?

    Hey everyone, thanks a TON for the responses. It really helps. I was going to do it this weekend on our drive to visit home b/c the subject of how one of our friends came out of the closet and I was all ready when he said "I'm glad he's a fag, he deserves to take it up the butt." Later he added how it would suck to have a gay roomate. It really made me feel like shit b/c he said he doesn't mind gay people but now I think that me may not mind them, just as long as they aren't around him.

    Now I'm torn between having my friend have negative feelings towards me, or just to keep hiding myself and being ashamed. I can't think straight and decide if my happiness and freedom to be who I was born to be is worth it by telling all my friends I'm gay and have them be like "what the hell?" I know things would change. They wouldn't horse around w/ me as much and probably make fun of me for wanting to "take it up the butt" as they always put it.

    I've told one of my girl friends I was gay who is at another college now, and I had her tell a few of our town friends who go there too as test subjects and they reacted positively towards it which made me happy and all set to go until the car ride. They were kind of surprised too. They figured I was either gay or just had no interest in girls yet because they said the only thing that hinted I was gay was that I've never dated/kissed a girl, and have had pretty girls throw practically throw themselves at me and I just stepped aside.

    I am not sure anymore if I feel ready to come out. I want to come out and be myself, but I'm not sure I'm ready for the reactoins. I'm sick of hiding yet I'm scared of change. I've been thinking about this non stop for the past few days and my mind is exhausted...what should I do?

  12. #12
    JUB Addict drhladnjak's Avatar
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    Re: How to come out?

    I'd say it's more important than ever that you come out to your friend. You coming out to him will probably be just what he needs to examine his own attitudes towards gay people. While the comments are hurtful and awkward, there would have been something outstanding about responding with "Hey, I'm gay and I definitely deserve to take it up the butt! Do you think I would make a horrible roommate too, then?" Associating a real person with the concept of being gay is critical to fostering acceptance of gay people by straight people.

  13. #13
    Porn Star SFMusic's Avatar
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    Re: How to come out?

    Quote Originally Posted by riden3 View Post
    ...I was all ready when he said "I'm glad he's a fag, he deserves to take it up the butt." Later he added how it would suck to have a gay roomate. It really made me feel like shit b/c he said he doesn't mind gay people but now I think that me may not mind them, just as long as they aren't around him.
    He obviously has a distorted view of what a gay person is, and you need to shatter his idea of who is gay and who is not. If he rejects you because you tell him the truth, have you really lost very much?

  14. #14
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    Re: How to come out?

    Quote Originally Posted by riden3 View Post
    Hey everyone, thanks a TON for the responses. It really helps. I was going to do it this weekend on our drive to visit home b/c the subject of how one of our friends came out of the closet and I was all ready when he said "I'm glad he's a fag, he deserves to take it up the butt." Later he added how it would suck to have a gay roomate. It really made me feel like shit b/c he said he doesn't mind gay people but now I think that me may not mind them, just as long as they aren't around him.

    Now I'm torn between having my friend have negative feelings towards me, or just to keep hiding myself and being ashamed. I can't think straight and decide if my happiness and freedom to be who I was born to be is worth it by telling all my friends I'm gay and have them be like "what the hell?" I know things would change. They wouldn't horse around w/ me as much and probably make fun of me for wanting to "take it up the butt" as they always put it.

    I've told one of my girl friends I was gay who is at another college now, and I had her tell a few of our town friends who go there too as test subjects and they reacted positively towards it which made me happy and all set to go until the car ride. They were kind of surprised too. They figured I was either gay or just had no interest in girls yet because they said the only thing that hinted I was gay was that I've never dated/kissed a girl, and have had pretty girls throw practically throw themselves at me and I just stepped aside.

    I am not sure anymore if I feel ready to come out. I want to come out and be myself, but I'm not sure I'm ready for the reactoins. I'm sick of hiding yet I'm scared of change. I've been thinking about this non stop for the past few days and my mind is exhausted...what should I do?
    Not the way you wanted for sure. Just last weekend a good friend I was travelling with, one who I want to tell I'm gay - made similar anti-gay slurs. At first I was really taken aback and upset but then after reflection, I realized that lots of people (str8s) make those comments. Doesn't make it right, but they are kinda conditioned. That it's because they really don't know any gay people or are scared to know them, etc. Not sayiing it isn't a bad thing - but it isn't insurmountable. After reflection on my end, I will still tell my friend (not just yet) and hopefully he will understand, if not right away, eventually. And if not, well, wish he did but perhaps he's not all that.

    You need to feel comfortable about this. If it is not today, tomorrow, etc. - that's ok. I think you'll get there. Don't let this one moment shake your confidence too much. I have learned that single instances can be overblown, either good or bad.

    Good news about telling your girlfriend - that was a good one, and the response you got is probably gonna be more the norm. Good stuff

    Hang in (trite I know) - it really works

  15. #15
    ...and I'm not sorry JUB Friend Soilwork's Avatar
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    Re: How to come out?

    I have to agree that telling him will make him examine his attitudes... when people know gay people they usually change their minds about what they think.

    But it's up to you.

    Personally, I'd tell him.
    Gentlemen.... Thank you.

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    Re: How to come out?

    Thanks again for your responses. They are really helping me get through this. I think I am going to go ahead and tell him I guess.

    Quote Originally Posted by SFMusic View Post
    If he rejects you because you tell him the truth, have you really lost very much?
    Good point I guess, I'd lose a dear friend but I guess he isn't a friend worth having if he cannot accept me.

    I'm going to try to do it in the next 48 hours so I'll try to get you guys updated on how it goes. Wish me luck

  17. #17
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    Re: How to come out?

    Good Luck Riden. I think its the right thing to do also. He may be embarrassed that he said that stuff. I'm guessing that he will be. At any rate the conflict in your head will only grow if you don't say something, now that its an issue.

    What are the odds of that scenario, by the way?? You're just ready to come out to him and he says that? Sometimes life sucks, huh?

    We'll be waiting here for you whenever you get back.

  18. #18
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    Re: How to come out?

    Quote Originally Posted by riden3 View Post
    Ok, now that i'm in college i feel i should be myself and come out to my friends. if you meet me you'd never guess i'm gay b/c i just act like one of the guys. i'm rooming w/ my best friend so i feel i should come out to him first. he's mentioned before how he is fine w/ gays so he probably won't care much, but i just feel like i've lied to him my whole life and decieved him since i've known him since 3rd grade and he thinks i'm straight.

    my question though is how should i come out? should i just randomly be like "yeah, i'm gay..." or should i wait until it is more appropriate and are talking about girls or next time he talks about someone gay? any advice on what ways work best or anything that worked well when you guys came out? thanks a lot i'm really freaking about it b/c i want to get it over w/ as soon as possible.
    I doubt you were "hiding your gayness" from him back in Grade 3, so he can hardly hold that against you... I think it is hard to wait for the perfect scenario, and it is hard to stage the perfect scenario. Are you going on a date any time soon? Maybe just tell him who you're going out with for the evening...

  19. #19
    JoeyBoy0707
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    Re: How to come out?

    Quote Originally Posted by Riverrick View Post
    Good Luck Riden. I think its the right thing to do also. He may be embarrassed that he said that stuff. I'm guessing that he will be.
    ^ I was thinking the EXACT same thing. There's a chance that he really doesn't have a problem with gay people-- but by being around you he'll be more aware of the things he says.

    GOOD LUCK!!! keep us updated

  20. #20

    Re: How to come out?

    I have this gay friend who is trying to come out to his parents, but he just refuse to have a sit-down chat with them. He tried others, but never this one.

    He tried to get his mom to watch Angels in America with him, but his mom did not watch 2nd episode onwards, which means no further discussion.

    He left posters of gay games around but his mom said nothing.

    And then, he left a book - How To Come Out To Your Parents lying around in his room, where his mom does cleaning, and still nothing.

  21. #21

    Re: How to come out?

    sounds like willful denial on your friend's parents part starlight.

  22. #22
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    Re: How to come out?

    I love this thread because it's full of solid advice and information, and is diverse in its perspective.

    I think it's also generalizable to many coming out situations. Thus, I am going to "sticky" it in this thread as a resource for others in this common situation.

    Great job, everyone. Continue to add to it with more advice and persectives.

  23. #23
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    Re: How to come out?

    Don't want to scare you, but these things can go any which way. In my opinion it is best to come out for YOURSELF. I came out to my best friend of 12 years about 2 years ago. The day after, he called me up and asked if I was ok and told me he was fine with everything. Within a week he wouldn't answer my calls and severed all ties with me. Things were tough and I was heartbroken, but I moved on. Everyone else was cool with me. My friends all accepted me and in time I was happy again. What it comes down to is if they don't care about you then they never did in the first place. The story ends on a good note. Out of the blue one day my old friend called me and told me he missed me and was sorry. Now him and I live together and are back to being buds. Yea, things are alittle different. He gives me a hard time and jokes, but he's tells me he cares about me, has learned to accept me, and every now and then I can drag him out to a gay bar. I think you'll be ok. Thing will work out. Go for it and do it for yourself. Whoever loves you will stick around. I think your friend will be one of them.

  24. #24

    Re: How to come out?

    when I came out to my kids was the hardest. my daughter was really easy to come out to. but my son was alittle harder, he said he was ok with it, but when he come to visit, I can tell he still and issues with me. but he still says he loves me and I him, so we just need to work though a couple of issue's.

  25. #25
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    Re: How to come out?

    WOW, this thread has a lot of really interesting thoughts. I would like to share some of my coming out experiences along with some of my current problems.

    Over the past few years I have discovered that I am a gay man. Iíve had a serious relationship with a woman, a non-so-serious fling with another, and my fair share of depression and social withdrawal. Through all of this, I began to understand myself. I discovered that I had been trying to put a square peg into a round hole. The more honest I became about my sexual orientation, the more I found out about myself. I discovered a whole new part of myself that I never knew existed, and I love it.

    This past summer I got to the point where I was ready to tell a friend back home (I too am a college student). We were in the midst of a conversation when I finally told him. I spent awhile trying to drop hints. In retrospect, this probably wasnít the best idea since they were very vague and only made me more nervous. Nevertheless I was able to tell him. We had a long talk about it, and he was very supportive. It was a very positive experience.

    Now Iím back at school, and no one here knows. I would like to come out and be open about my orientation. Iím just not quite sure what my next move is. I could tell some of my closer friends here. My guess is that is the next step. But then what? There is a gay/straight alliance at my school. Perhaps that will come into play. Iím just not sure how to get the word out or what my next move is going to be. Iím still very nervous and scared about how this is going to change things.

    Another reason I want to be more open about my sexuality is to meet more gay people. Since I have come out to myself, I have made many new friends, and am enjoying my life in new and wonderful ways. Still, there is something that is missing and I feel that it is a meaningful relationship. I know that coming out isnít going to fix this, however I donít think itís very likely Iíll meet someone while Iím in the closet.

    I know there are no easy answers, but I would love to hear what others think. Riden, I hope all has gone well with you, and look forward to your update.

  26. #26
    ...and I'm not sorry JUB Friend Soilwork's Avatar
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    Re: How to come out?

    Quote Originally Posted by riden3 View Post
    Now I'm torn between having my friend have negative feelings towards me, or just to keep hiding myself and being ashamed.

    So you feel bad or he has a blast of reality.

    OK... your turn... your choice.



















    your answer?
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  27. #27
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    Re: How to come out?

    The advice given has been great. As someone who's come out by just saying "I'm gay," as well as it being a part of a conversation, I can say that the former is BY FAR the easiest. It requires a build-up, but when you just blurt it out, it's done and over with. When it's part of a conversation, you're always searching for a way to phrase it...or you're looking for an appropriate segue onto the topic.

    Your friend made a stupid comment. But why should you sacrifice your comfort for that of your best friend? What is it with us gay guys? Why do we put other's comfort and feelings before our own? We shouldn't be expected to be martyrs. Do what you feel is right. You said in your first post that you want to tell him, because he is your best friend. It's like you feel that he deserves to know this part of you. You're worried that he's going to be pissed that you waited so long to tell him...so why continue to wait? Sometimes, you just have to take a deep breath and jump in.

  28. #28
    zhengsm
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    Re: How to come out?

    Nobody fixed a couple be in different gender.I am a gay because i was born to be.I accept it.
    However,i would not speak out to every one to let it out,that's the reason we intend to talk to someone intimate firstly.
    Do not be upset with other's bad reaction,we do just what we should,and what we like.

  29. #29
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    Re: How to come out?

    great thread riden

    i know how u are feeling and i am in the same position. i already told my cousin awhile ago and i brought my ex to our place a couple of times, so he knows and he really doesnt bring up the subject about me being gay. he is more of a brother than a cousin so that helped alot.

    the next step is to just tell my sister and my parents, but thats easier said than done......hehe.

  30. #30
    Djarielm
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    Re: How to come out?

    Quote Originally Posted by confusedboy23 View Post
    Great posts here I see. There is so much for me to learn from this thread too and riden3, you have my best wishes!

    I've also been tempted to share my sexuality issues with my close friend but I still have not found the guts to do so yet. I have only just accepted myself so I guess I'm allowing time to help me accept myself better before I do anything else!

    But I really am glad that you know who you are and you have found a friend worth sharing with.
    I'm also trying to accept myself fully before i come out. You cannot let friends and family accept who you are if you cant accept yourself first. Nice to see that I'm not alone and that there are other people 2 and it just gives me hope and the support that i need... Thank You!

  31. #31
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    Re: How to come out?

    Hey! Thanks for all the posts guys it really helped. I have good news, I finally came out! It was definitly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Luckily everyone who knows was very supportive and were very proud of me. I guess my generation understands homosexuality more and how hard it can be.

    I have yet to tell my parents because I know they will send me to a psychiatrist or a pastor to try and fix me so I am going to wait until I don't need their support.

    I will advise one thing. I would not come out if you are not ready. I had just accepted it myself and now that I am out, if I was still battling with it I would have second guessed myself if I came out at the right time. Now that I'm out I would not want to still be battling it inside myself. Good luck and thanks everyone.

  32. #32
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    Re: How to come out?

    I figure if I tell someone that I am gay then if they hear it from someone esle it won't be news, gossip, or anything I need to worry about.

    Worked as a theory particularly well with family. And my experience has been some friends are surprised, some are not, was no big deal to anyone that I told with one exception and fuck him [so to speak], and my father commented that I was not the only one in the family, which kind of confirmed what I thought about his sister...

  33. #33
    camsta88
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    Re: How to come out?

    Quote Originally Posted by riden3 View Post
    Hey everyone, thanks a TON for the responses. It really helps. I was going to do it this weekend on our drive to visit home b/c the subject of how one of our friends came out of the closet and I was all ready when he said "I'm glad he's a fag, he deserves to take it up the butt." Later he added how it would suck to have a gay roomate. It really made me feel like shit b/c he said he doesn't mind gay people but now I think that me may not mind them, just as long as they aren't around him.

    Now I'm torn between having my friend have negative feelings towards me, or just to keep hiding myself and being ashamed. I can't think straight and decide if my happiness and freedom to be who I was born to be is worth it by telling all my friends I'm gay and have them be like "what the hell?" I know things would change. They wouldn't horse around w/ me as much and probably make fun of me for wanting to "take it up the butt" as they always put it.

    I've told one of my girl friends I was gay who is at another college now, and I had her tell a few of our town friends who go there too as test subjects and they reacted positively towards it which made me happy and all set to go until the car ride. They were kind of surprised too. They figured I was either gay or just had no interest in girls yet because they said the only thing that hinted I was gay was that I've never dated/kissed a girl, and have had pretty girls throw practically throw themselves at me and I just stepped aside.

    I am not sure anymore if I feel ready to come out. I want to come out and be myself, but I'm not sure I'm ready for the reactoins. I'm sick of hiding yet I'm scared of change. I've been thinking about this non stop for the past few days and my mind is exhausted...what should I do?
    I have only just started to come out, but only to my girlfriends. I've started thinking about telling my guy friends about it and think that if they ditch me because I'm gay, then they were never real friends.

    I still haven't done it, but plan to after I graduate in three weeks. Even if I do lose friends, I will keep the best of them and there is always a good chance of making more...right? Keep this in mind Riden3...if your mates reject u or make fun and tease u all the time, see it as a chance to get closer to your other friends and make new, more accepting friends. This is the thought that is going to help me come out.

  34. #34
    camsta88
    Guest

    Re: How to come out?

    Whoops i s'pose i shoulda read more before i posted that comment. Congrats on comin out Riden3

  35. #35

    Re: How to come out?

    A Very Good Reply Well Done

  36. #36
    Grapplethis
    Guest

    Re: How to come out?

    I had just come out too after years of denial. It was weird though how I came out . I had just befriended this guy at itzamatch.com and I don't know what it was about this guy but it was so easy for me to be honest with him. I was able to tell him things (yes, a stranger) I had never told anyone before. The next thing I knew, I "came out" over an online chat when we were both online, he gave me a call and congratulated me over the phone. I celebrated alone in my apartment over a bottle of champagne. That's when I realized I was done with hiding. If a stranger at itzamatch.com was able to accept me and help me out of my miseries, I was going to face the world and let them deal with it.

    It's been 2 weeks and I'm still strategizing on how to go about it. But I gave myself this month to do it. It has to be now. So wish me luck, people! And to all who came out, you are my brave heroes.

  37. #37
    New Possibilities... Riverrick's Avatar
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    Re: How to come out?

    Quote Originally Posted by Grapplethis View Post
    I had just come out too after years of denial. It was weird though how I came out . I had just befriended this guy at itzamatch.com and I don't know what it was about this guy but it was so easy for me to be honest with him. I was able to tell him things (yes, a stranger) I had never told anyone before. The next thing I knew, I "came out" over an online chat when we were both online, he gave me a call and congratulated me over the phone. I celebrated alone in my apartment over a bottle of champagne. That's when I realized I was done with hiding. If a stranger at itzamatch.com was able to accept me and help me out of my miseries, I was going to face the world and let them deal with it.

    It's been 2 weeks and I'm still strategizing on how to go about it. But I gave myself this month to do it. It has to be now. So wish me luck, people! And to all who came out, you are my brave heroes.
    Good luck, Grapplethis! Guys like you are MY heroes!

    And Welcome to JUB. Stick around, huh?


  38. #38
    Grapplethis
    Guest

    Re: How to come out?

    Quote Originally Posted by Riverrick View Post
    Good luck, Grapplethis! Guys like you are MY heroes!

    And Welcome to JUB. Stick around, huh?

    Thanks, Riverrick! I almost told my Mom today when we spoke on the phone but it's making me sweat beads all over my face. This is really nerve-wracking. How did YOU come out? That guy I met at itzamatch.com has been very supportive and has been giving me tips. Unfortunately, he's more liberated than I am so I can't really imitate his ways. I'm really the introvert and shy type.

    To all the SHY people out there, how did you come out? The more stories I hear, the more it will help me.

  39. #39
    On the Prowl smaq44's Avatar
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    Re: How to come out?

    Openly gay therapist Joe Kort has lots of articles at his web site that were extremely helpful for me.
    http://www.joekort.com/

    These articles are especially awesome for guys thinking about coming out:

    18 Things to Consider Before Coming Out
    http://www.joekort.com/articles60.htm

    and

    Cass Model of Gay & Lesbian Identity Formation
    http://www.joekort.com/PDF/cassmodel...formation2.pdf

    In additon, here are a few books I've found essential in my gay-affirmative library.

    Loving Someone Gay by Donald H. Clark
    (Originally published in 1977, this book is in its fourth edition, copyright 2005.)

    Becoming Gay: The Journey to Self-Acceptance by Richard Isay

    On Being Gay: Thoughts on Family, Faith, and Love by Brian McNaught

    Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers by Michelangelo Signorile

    Now That I'm Out What Do I Do? by Brian McNaught

    10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives by Joe Kort

    10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love by Joe Kort

    Best wishes,
    Mac

  40. #40
    bw92116
    Guest

    Re: How to come out?

    My opinion is this: wait for them to ask you. If you bring it up yourself, they may not be ready for it. When they ask you, then they are ready for the answer. If someone asks you, "Are you gay?" just say, "Yes" and leave it at that. If they ask you another question, answer that truthfully. If someone asks you, "So, do you have a girlfriend?" just say, "No. I'm gay." and leave it at that. If someone offers to hook you up with a girl, just say, "No, thanks, I'm gay. But thanks anyway." If they want to know more, they will ask you more, and you can continue to answer truthfully. If you bring up the issue yourself, without them having asked you, then you run the risk of telling someone who is not ready to hear it, or won't accept it, or doesn't want to know, or doesn't care. When they ask you, however, they are ready for the truth and you know you can tell the truth. This way of dealing with it takes a great deal of pressure off you. There is no pressure on you to tell anyone, unless they specifically ask you.

  41. #41
    Grapplethis
    Guest

    Re: How to come out?

    Quote Originally Posted by bw92116 View Post
    My opinion is this: wait for them to ask you. If you bring it up yourself, they may not be ready for it. When they ask you, then they are ready for the answer. If someone asks you, "Are you gay?" just say, "Yes" and leave it at that. If they ask you another question, answer that truthfully. If someone asks you, "So, do you have a girlfriend?" just say, "No. I'm gay." and leave it at that. If someone offers to hook you up with a girl, just say, "No, thanks, I'm gay. But thanks anyway." If they want to know more, they will ask you more, and you can continue to answer truthfully. If you bring up the issue yourself, without them having asked you, then you run the risk of telling someone who is not ready to hear it, or won't accept it, or doesn't want to know, or doesn't care. When they ask you, however, they are ready for the truth and you know you can tell the truth. This way of dealing with it takes a great deal of pressure off you. There is no pressure on you to tell anyone, unless they specifically ask you.
    I heard about this and this is a very good idea actually. However, my mom would never ask me if I were gay because she'd flick on her tongue just saying THAT word. I can do this on social ocassions or parties maybe but I just feel the need to tell the people who have been in my life for a long time. I think they suspect but they used to kid about it too. So maybe they know? This is harder than I thought. I guess the reason why I was able to open up myself to a stranger I met at itzamatch was because he asked me those questions straight out. I must admit, I was stumped not knowing what to write back but I let go at that point. I hope I can muster all that strength again and just be ready and do it.

  42. #42
    Grapplethis
    Guest

    Re: How to come out?

    Quote Originally Posted by smaq44 View Post
    Openly gay therapist Joe Kort has lots of articles at his web site that were extremely helpful for me.
    http://www.joekort.com/

    These articles are especially awesome for guys thinking about coming out:

    18 Things to Consider Before Coming Out
    http://www.joekort.com/articles60.htm

    and

    Cass Model of Gay & Lesbian Identity Formation
    http://www.joekort.com/PDF/cassmodel...formation2.pdf

    In additon, here are a few books I've found essential in my gay-affirmative library.

    Loving Someone Gay by Donald H. Clark
    (Originally published in 1977, this book is in its fourth edition, copyright 2005.)

    Becoming Gay: The Journey to Self-Acceptance by Richard Isay

    On Being Gay: Thoughts on Family, Faith, and Love by Brian McNaught

    Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers by Michelangelo Signorile

    Now That I'm Out What Do I Do? by Brian McNaught

    10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives by Joe Kort

    10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love by Joe Kort

    Best wishes,
    Mac

    Thanks for these! As you probably know already, have not read any of these books because I cannot get caught with a gay book. Anyway, will look for ways now that I'm really serious about coming out. Wish me luck!

  43. #43
    John Wesley
    Guest

    Re: How to come out?

    Congrates are in order Riden 3. It is never easy to come out. I am totally out these days. I had a stranger in a bar come up to me and ask me if I was gay. I looked at him and said that I was gay and why did he ask. The guy said he suspected I was gay because I was an older man in a bar drinking soda instead of booze. He thought I was a recovering alcoholic because I was gay. He said all gays hate themselves. When I told him I don't hate myself he said, "Yes you do and you don't trust yourself because you drink soda." People have the strangest ideas about us gays. Many of them don't want to hear the truth about us. All they want to believe is what appeals to their egos. John Wesley

  44. #44
    Slut
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    Re: How to come out?

    I also extend my congrats to Riden3. It's hard to really open up about yourself to those close to you. You may be surprised to find that Iowans are not as conservative and uptight as you might expect. They can be very accepting. As a fellow Iowan I know firsthand. Good luck to you and, of course, to the Hawkeyes.

  45. #45
    lostlove
    Guest

    Re: How to come out?

    the best thing to do is sit and talk with him about when you all was young bring up old memeries. Then ask him this "IF I WAS GAY STRAIT OR BI WOULD WE STILL BE BEST FRIENDS LIKE WE AREW NOW?" then let him answer then tell him if he is realy your friend he would not care like mh best friend.If he does care then you almost know who your friends are do that to all your friends then you will see there will be alot of questions. But thats there way of getting to know the real you.

  46. #46

    Re: How to come out?

    well the way that i cam out was by my sister readin my txts on my phone from m 1st bf and we rowed and she told my mum so my family knws am gay now

  47. #47
    Paix et Amour
    Guest

    Re: How to come out?

    I didn't come out until last year when I was a senior in high school. Most of my closest friends back home know, but not all. Last summer I came out to my mom, but it was way too awkward to come out to my dad or brothers. Now that I am in college everyone here knows, and I would advise any college student ready to come out just to hang out and go the the gay/straight alliance meetings. I plan on living in the Alliance house next semester. It is so much easier to be out and I guess for those that aren't yet the best way is to just bring it up, thats what I did with my closest friends back home and with my mom. It was also extremely refreshing to be out from the get go at college, to not have to hide my sexuality anymore is such a great feeling.

  48. #48
    gay_boy_8
    Guest

    Re: How to come out?

    hey i came out in grade 10. it was rilly hard. i started liking my best friend, alot, so i decided to tell him thru email. it was a rilly long email but i finally said it. it took a bit but after a week or so we were back to normal. i then told other people and it started a new chapter in my life, as horribly corny as that sounds... but i was relieved and once you tell one person it becomes easier. i havent told the parents and i dont plan to, they were always so biased... but i mean im never around them anymore anyway. i had been conflicting with myself on the matter, but as soon as i knew i was gay i knew i would have to tell him. congrats on your accomplishment!

  49. #49
    On the Prowl newkidondagayblock's Avatar
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    Re: How to come out?

    Hi Everyone. I would like to take this opportunity to tell all that I very recently came out to my best friend (female).

    I had to choose whom I came out to. I live in India and even young generation may not react in the right way to homosexuality.

    So I chose one of those who has interacted with guys from UK over phone and so is not averse to the idea of Gays.

    We met for pizza, then went to an arcade. Simply told her " I am not attracted to girls". She asked how did I know? I told her " wasn't just a flash bulb moment" but can't say how long it took for me to realize I was gay.

    That was it. She was happy I told her, but advised me not to tell everyone I know coz not all would understand.

    Thats it. I just wanted to let you know this. May not help anyone. Thanks for listening.

  50. #50
    Oh ho ho it's magic
    M4P's Avatar
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    Re: How to come out?

    Congratulations - I'm glad this was a positive coming out experience for you. I hope you're as successful with the next friend or family member you choose to share with

    Quote Originally Posted by newkidondagayblock View Post
    Hi Everyone. I would like to take this opportunity to tell all that I very recently came out to my best friend (female).

    I had to choose whom I came out to. I live in India and even young generation may not react in the right way to homosexuality.

    So I chose one of those who has interacted with guys from UK over phone and so is not averse to the idea of Gays.

    We met for pizza, then went to an arcade. Simply told her " I am not attracted to girls". She asked how did I know? I told her " wasn't just a flash bulb moment" but can't say how long it took for me to realize I was gay.

    That was it. She was happy I told her, but advised me not to tell everyone I know coz not all would understand.

    Thats it. I just wanted to let you know this. May not help anyone. Thanks for listening.
    How naughty can I be and still go to heaven?

    <img src=http://i.imgur.com/eWx4hXM.gif/>

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