I've been feeling down for the last few days and it's the same thing that has affected me since adolescence. For some reason I find it really difficult to connect with a lot of people and I'm painfully shy. I joined a gay group thinking that it would somehow solve these problems. Great! gay people! they'll know how I'm feeling, what I've experienced, we'll have loads to talk about!
Well no that didn't really happen. I've found one friend to talk to but he has become something of a comfort zone for me. But that's only because he's really intelligent and one of those people with whom you can talk about anything- that's why he has loads of friends. I just can't seem to connect with other people of my age. I know the other day I had some alcohol and that really brought down my inhibitions but I can't rely on that.
I think when I began school at 14, I made a decision to never let anyone know of my sexuality. I was afraid of letting my parents know and I didn't know what gay meant apart from others using it to mean shit. So I felt shit. In concealing it, I must have lost a part of myself and one of my teachers mentioned that it was if I had built brick walls around me cos I was so quiet and introverted. Out of 120 in our year I probably made 3 or more friends! I just remember feeling this incredible sense of isolation and a heavy, loneliness.
Anyway that's enough about me, I just hope I wasn't alone in feeling this.