Grounding the kid... love at first sight

namdoog · February 9th, 2010, 06:47 AM

I went to a house party. I was chatting with all sort of people and noticed this kid I met early in the Fall was at the party. I didn't say much to him because I thought he was straight. I sat down on this couch. He came and sat next to me. People were chatting all over the place. Drunk hotties fell on our laps. Then it hit me that something was up because he purposely knocked his knee to touch mine. Then at one point, a girl asked me if I was bi or gay. I told her that I'm bi and he looked at me and said "me too." We exchanged numbers because the party was dying out and he had to take his ride home. He texted me to come over his place to chat. I thought why not, maybe he needed someone to talk about his sexuality and I was curious about his history. I came over to his place and we began chatting. He's been out to his family and friends since high school. He's 20 and I'm 27. Looking at him of how cute he is, we kissed. Made out and cuddled in bed. I figured that we were going too fast for a relationship so I followed up with him in the morning. I reminded him that if we are to pursue a relationship together, this is going too fast. He acknowledged and agreed that we are friends having fun together, although it was obvious that he had a strong feeling for me. The next day we met again to chat some more. He spent all day with me and then we continued to make out and cuddled again. I had to remind him that we should slow down because I felt a little awkward with the age gap. He doesn't mind, however, I felt that I'm at a different level than he is now. He's mature for his age and I think he would benefit from me as a good friend (big brother) but not as a partner. I did not have sex with him and will not plan on it. Also, my path is unknown and I may move to a different city. I know he will still be studying at college for a couple years but I'm done with mine. Today, I had to follow up with him again because he was unsure what to call this "love" between us. I told him what he was experiencing is love at first sight because he and I do not know each other very well. I was trying to lay him down gently to open his options to other people. He still has feelings for me and not sure what to call it... Shall it be "complicated" or "dating" etc. I told him that I see that we will be good friends and nothing more. I'm far ahead of him with education and soon I will relocate once I find a permanent job somewhere. I can't be too serious about a relationship. He wanted to see where this go and I told him not to shut out anyone who ask to date with him. He doesn't care and only want me...

So I'm trying to ground this kid without brushing him of like jerks would do. I think I'm doing the best I can to shift his focus to guys/girls to his age range +/- 2 years. I told him that I needed to catch up with work so he will leave me alone tomorrow. Thought this should give him some time to think about it. Any further suggestions?

Kennylingus · February 9th, 2010, 06:54 AM

Well this isn't obvious.

Just_Believe18 · February 9th, 2010, 10:14 AM

Well, so far you are taking the right approach. Just stick to your guns and he'll figure it out eventually. A relationship just can't happen between the two of you.

KaraBulut · February 9th, 2010, 11:44 AM

In reading through this, you're really "unselling" something that you kinda sorta bought already.

You went to his place. You made out with him (at least twice). You cuddled. You like him.

But instead of being honest with yourself and with him, you're finding reasons (or perhaps excuses) why it won't work out (i.e. you're "someday" going to move, you're older, you need to focus on work, etc etc).

The first step in all this is to decide whether you want to date this guy or not. No more mixed message. No excuses about uncertain plans for the future. Yes or no.

And if "No" is your decision, then that decision needs to be final. You're not helping anyone by being a "big brother" yet making out with this guy.

If the answer is "Yes", then stop finding all these excuses as to why it is not going to work. At this point in the game, you really don't know how it is going to go. So stop trying to find reasons to bail out of this thing before you've even given it a chance.

It's dating. You're not picking a dress for your wedding.

Once you have the answer, then have the talk with him. And stick to your guns.

rareboy · February 9th, 2010, 12:33 PM

Well, given the Title of 'Love at First Sight', I think you're just being ridiculous.

If you don't feel the passion, then come right out and tell him. If you do, then come right out and tell him.

If both of you do feel something and you're just skirting the possibilities, then what a waste of a good life.

Is there some special virtue to going slow? Some virtue to denying yourselves pleasure and emotional intimacy? Is it somehow better to always kill something early because it is only going to die anyway?

For heaven's sakes, just let yourself go sometimes and let come what may.

namdoog · February 9th, 2010, 02:35 PM

Its kind of tough for me... I feel like I'm ready for a relationship but I don't want to make promises because I don't want to break anyone's heart, more importantly mine because I've been on a rollercoaster with a couple guys I met and I want to be serious about it this time. I don't want quick hookups and he's not like that. I want to take it slow and make sure that we are meant for each other. We enjoyed each other's intimacy and he think I'm perfect for him... We just got together last weekend and its too fast for me... I think its love at first sight because I need to feel the rest of it, not just looks... how does he know I'm the one... I don't see it yet... maybe I'm denying it to protect myself in the long run... I guess I'm thinking too much about my future and where it will go... Ughh... I just want to feel settled knowing where I will be in the next few years and that I can contribute to the relationship and not just "hi" and then "sorry I gotta go."

I felt like we were like a magnet quickly connected. Ahhhhh

... I'm giving this a few days to see where it goes. So far, I have no problems with him other than the age gap. If I was near his age, I wouldn't be making this post.

KaraBulut · February 9th, 2010, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by namdoog

... and he think I'm perfect for him... We just got together last weekend and its too fast for me... I think its love at first sight because I need to feel the rest of it, not just looks... how does he know I'm the one...

He "knows" because he's young. And he doesn't have a clue how much work it is to be in a relationship.

Getting older is learning that "knowing" isn't the same thing as "understanding".

Quote:

Originally Posted by namdoog

I felt like we were like a magnet quickly connected. Ahhhhh

... I'm giving this a few days to see where it goes. So far, I have no problems with him other than the age gap. If I was near his age, I wouldn't be making this post.

If you were his age, you'd probably be too busy buggering.

justright25 · February 9th, 2010, 04:14 PM

If you both feel so attracted to each other, give it a chance. Sometimes they are more mature than you think. You are still young and in a few years, your age gap won't be so large.

TX-Beau · February 9th, 2010, 04:25 PM

I think you're not really as much into him as you'd like to be.

Suggestions. Be fucking honest, with yourself and him. Figure it out - what do YOU want. I don't think you want to date this guy, I don't think you're in love with him. Tell him you don't want to start something.

And for god's sake, stop making out with him. If you care about him as much as you think you do, what is kind and being a friend about giving him false hope?

**Audio Tech** · February 9th, 2010, 05:40 PM

I didn't know 7 years was such a large age gap. Really?

Why does everyone over-analyze everything? Most relationships or friendships don't last anyway, so why even have them? If you like each other, why NOT? As long as you are clear that you may move, etc. and you are both ok with that.... what's the harm. Enjoy it while you can. NOTHING lasts forever.

Seven years......

TX-Beau · February 9th, 2010, 06:11 PM

I'm all for the carpe diem philosophy so long as it doesn't result in someone's tender heart getting crushed.

The OP has some kind of reservations floating around in his subconscious, something is telling him not to go there, and if the other guy is already professing undying love, the worst thing the OP can do is act on a situation he's definitely trying to put the brakes on. There are plenty of guys he can find for some fun.

It's not nice to let this other guy cherish hopes that are eventually going to be dashed.

namdoog · February 9th, 2010, 09:04 PM

Okay... Thanks everyone...

I have been thinking about this a lot... I already had a discussion with him last night to open his options to dating other people because I feel that he's young and I want him to understand that there's more to a relationship than knowing that "I'm perfect for him"... I am not convinced that we are right for each other and I am trying my best not to mislead him and myself. The more we talk, it will help me reduce the defense mechanism I have up every time I meet a person that I like. He does not want to date other people because he only want me. He's cute, has a wonderful personality, and mature for his age. I do like him but would like to start off as friends and see it grow from there. I told him to hang out with me more so that we will learn more about each other... Other than just a quick physical attraction. Ahhh... he gotta stop giving me that cute looks

Personally, I want to have a serious relationship starting from the foundation and build our way up. Physical attraction is only a part of it. I'm trying my best not to set expectations of an ideal partner. I am almost done with grad school and there is nothing in the store for me in this city (career-wise). I sense that my leadership/organization skills and education is strongly needed someplace else. I want to be a supporting partner once I have financial stability and a career that I really enjoy. He is in college for a few more years.

We have discussed the possibility of a long distance relationship if I should make the big move (and if we both continue to have strong feelings for each other, then I will remain reserved for him). I'm here for few more months until I get a job offer. Plenty of time to get to know each other more before committing to a serious relationship and see how things go from there.

I should not let the age factor bother me. My interest was in the 21 to 32 range but its the maturity level that weigh more. It was funny that he had to ask his mother about the age factor and I think she told him that "if he is older and you are under 21, its illegal" (so... since when 21 is the new 18?). She encouraged him to date people his age range (18-22yr) before coming to committing to a relationship.

Ah the world we live in today... so complicated with the mixture of different generations and beliefs... Love knows no boundaries and we continue to criticize it.