It's the second 1584th coming.
Get your Mayan calendars before they're hot.
It's the second 1584th coming.
Get your Mayan calendars before they're hot.
I decided to remind my fellow Americans that it's called the "criminal justice system" because it's run by mostly criminals who persecute honest people in criminal fashion.
A new "sustainable" house is being built nearby.
They began by chopping down a 100 foot tree.
Which I really liked. :mad:
IT IRKS THE SHIT OUT OF ME THAT I JUST CAN'T GET MYSELF TO FUCKING CRY!!!! DAMNIT!!!! i haven't cried in years. i don't know HOW i managed to shut that part off inside of me where i basically bottled up my sadness and just was like "i'll never cry anymore". i get envious whenever i see grown people breaking down and crying because i myself can't do it. DAMNIT!! i'm so tired of my eyes feeling watery and holding on to the feeling of feeling like shit and depressed WHERE my body and my mind is commanding me to cry BUT i just hold back because i don't want to be seen as weak to the people around me or to myself. i would love to do nothing but to hug my pillow and ball my eyes out right now. there's a HUGE block which prevents me from just doing that.
I remember my early crushes. I remember only crying once a year about each of them corresponding to my school terms age 12 to 16.
Then came the biggest crush I ever had on my best friend when I was 17. And I cried on a twice-weekly basis for over two years.
It just seemed to be a 'necessary' release as I was a bundle of pent-up emotions that I only ever released late at night on my own.
Refuji, it's obviously your 'culture' (for want of a better word) or your 'upbringing' that has given you this (to my mind) unneccessary obligation to 'act tough' and 'be a man' but human psychology simply doesn't work like that.
What is it that is causing you to be so upset?
I know I sound like a broken record but all these phases DO pass with time.
Wish I could teleport through the computer screen to give you a hug. This will have to do. (*8*)
as for why i'm upset, i don't even know to tell you the truth. the crazy thing is that i've been experiencing this since i was 12, not counting any bad things such as asswhoopings, deaths, or whatever. until i decided to put a clamp on the waterworks at 14, i would break down and cry sometimes over things that weren't even tear worthy such as graduations. can't believe i cried at my bro's jr high graduation and my own. i should have been (!).
but anyways, speaking of a thread. i think that a part of the reason why i'm a bit screwed up to a degree where i have a problem dealing with people and my emotions. when i look back at the past with my interactions with people, i am still bothered by it especially the bad ones that left some scars that still haven't really healed up mentally.
you know a part of it may be nature because i THINK that i MIGHT be a little autistic. i dunno BUT i do know that i had some problems developmental problems as a kid where i was slow. i didn't talk until i was 5. i learned how to walk late. i pretty much didn't learn or pick up on things normally where i could adjust easily which would later affect me socially. when i interacted with the kids in preschool which was when i was 3, i couldn't talk or communicate with them so i pretty much was a loner. when they would try to touch the toys that i was playing with, i would smack them. the preschool teachers saw this and told my mom that i had some issues and they wouldn't allow me to go back there until it was sorted out.
so after all that, the psychologist at the time said that i had a developmental delay but i dunno about anything else besides that. i get sent to special ed for speech therapy to learn how to talk. at the same time, i would get bussed to kindergarten where i got a chance to interact with my peers. that didn't go down well at all. the other kids hated me. you know, the thing that bothers me when i talk about this such as when i tell my mother this and even the shrink that i went to earlier this year was to GET over it. yet they don't see the connection between what i'm about to say and what it pertains to NOW. but anyways, in kindergarten, i had to deal with bullies and some of the things they did to me to this day i haven't gotten over because i don't understand what i could have done to them for them to do those fucked up things to me. it actually angers me a great deal. for example, there was this kid and his friends who didn't like me that approached me in the playground. he asks me to open my hand where he stabbed me with a pencil. he really stabbed my hand deep enough where the pencil point is stuck in my hand. then there was another incident where we had recess in the basement and one kid thought it would be cool to shove me from behind for whatever reason. he was much bigger and stronger than i was. anyways, dude shoved me so damn hard that i flew some distance on the ground face first where i lost both of my two front teeth. this happened in front of everybody. the other kids saw it. the teachers saw it and i remember some of the kids laughing at me. the only person that came to help me was another kid who had to be my age that took me to the bathroom to help clean out the blood out my mouth. some adults actually participated in it too. another time, a kid snatched my bookbag suddenly when he was about to go home when his mother's car had just pulled up, he ran to the car with my shit and they drove off with my shit. the next day, my bookbag was back but there were some things missing in it. that's some of the things that i remember BUT i still don't forget it because those kids made my life hell for no reason. the thing that bothers me about that was we were like 5 year olds. eventually, i moved on to a different school where it was much better BUT i didn't make any friends over there though.
then i had to deal with the same bullshit from other kids on the block that i lived that would give me a hard fucking time for NO reason because they didn't like me. they did some nasty things to me (one girl got my brother to hold me down while she spat a huge blob of spit in my face. i had some issues with other neighbor and her boyfriend pulls a knife out on me) and the adults would join in on that shit too. you know, it just bothers me about the certain things like as i said about the whole kindergarten thing where they just would do really fucked up things because they didn't like me and i don't know WHAT i did to them for them to hate me so much. i would continue to go through the same thing until i got tired of it where i was tired of people trying to fight me, beat me up and etc where i just started to form a hate and distrust for people over my past social experiences. i also had a thing to where i got paranoid too where i felt better to be safe than sorry where i felt that i should hurt anybody that i deemed to be a threat to my safety before they hurt me as i've experienced in the past. it's that i just don't want to be hurt again like that and i probably will hurt somebody IF someone ever tries to do something like what THOSE people did back to me. never again so if anybody is stupid enough to hurt their hands on me, i'm liable to do something fucked up to them and they deserve it too. you better keep your hands to yourself if you want to live if you deal with me.
so yeah, i pretty much am on my p's and q's because of all that shit. some people tell me that i should grow up and let go BUT every single time i try to do that, someone basically has to be like the same cunt that fucking did me dirty back in the day. there's times where i get really heated whenever i feel someone is trying to bully me or trying to belittle me even if it's not like that.
i'm trying to become a better person BUT @ the same time, i don't know. i hope one day to put all those feelings and hostilities past me BUT i simply can't because someone has to basically do something that replays those memories.
i would like to live a paranoid free life.
I almost self-deleted when I got home this afternoon.
What the fucking fuck, Anders.
Pull yourself together.
I only read the original post.. you came off emotionally disturbed. A tortured human being, not necessarily gay, just wounded.
My best friend, MORE, my one and only BROTHER who is not a brother by blood, is introverted and emotionally--different.
Maybe he would fall under the domain of Asperberger's Symdrom, but times change. I think for the better.
He loves me in his own way.
My emotions are WILD and a constant struggle to constrain. He is a very different human being. His struggles are his own, just as mine are my own.
Still, 14 years later we live together, not as lovers, but as brothers. I love my brother, and he loves me.
I'm not sure why this came out, except that it's true. Many people in some inexplicable way HURT me just to be aroung, but never my brother.
He loves me as he can, and honestly saved my life when I did not want to live in the toxic horrible world. He invited me to share his home and life, and I lived rather than ending my life (as I FELT this shitty world was not worth living in).
This whole post is so weird... sorry, I'm sure it misses the mark.
I LOVE MY BROTHER, who loves differently than I do. Always in life REALITY with all its uncertainty, trumps my understanding.
My understanding must accomodate. REAILTY is a bitch. The bitch is what it is. As messed up as the bitch is, I CHOOSE REALITY over delusion every time.
There is hope. You are lovable. To know Despair is to know limits which are not actually a part of our culture... LIVE and LOVE as you are able.
Randy Andy, the penalty for self deleting is
6 months cohabitation with Telstar of JUB...
thus making that act a 'Pearl of Great Price.
Strap on a pair of bollocks mate, this is one
of the few places left on earth for adults to
dabble in adult stuff and chitter like they
are 10 yrs old and peeking into peoples
**What could possibly possess you that
could make you forfeit this this domain of
wit, love, humour, bad jokes and worse
lol, good to see you posting
Yeah I a loser posting on my own post... but to be honest.
I'm leaving him.
Over the years he has not 'tried' to grow and change, and I can't help but change.
Wallow in the shallows and you will most likely be outgrown, to the point where it is painful to those who share LIFE with you.
My brother is lost in his own head now. He was not always. He was surprising, amazing with strange perspectives which made me struggle and fumble to the point of --we agree to disagree--.... no longer. For years my rationality crushes (gently, as I still love him) the ever more delusion, fuzzy, thoughts he chooses to share--fewer thoughts. Is it my fault his thinking is aberant and can not be supported rationally?
I suck there. I demand reality. I lived as an atheist for 25 years, only in the past year did it become impossible to maintain that belief. I grew best as an atheist, but looking back I KNOW I changed the words and actions, the amazing changes in my heart where so far beyond me....
The INFERNO of HATE for myself and then later sick-twisted Chirstianity/Culture -- an unpleasant warmth
The ACIDIC corruption of BITTERNESS -- a tart taste
The EXPLOTION of HATE -- a mild pop
HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN.
I DID NOT DO THAT. I Changed my words and actions KNOWNING I did not want to perpetuate this filth, but never even thought to change myself so deeply.
I changed. I did what I could, and changed so much more.
I do not believe in the tiny gods/God of others imaginations, but can not deny the existance of the ONE.
A perfect song which joins the song of my being when I struggled so hard NOT to harm others with the filth within me. Only decades later looking back and when flooded with the song of the ONE did I perceive the ONE. Only now can I perceive while understanding who and what I am -- JUST ONLY JOHN
The more secure I am in my humanity the more the ONE is able to sing with the song that I am.
When I was younger, if I felt what I feel now.... I would imagine holy orders, crazy bullshit. I would not be the self-directed, fumbling, struggling human being that I am. I would be a fool. The ONE does not direct or order in any way. The ONE is not an objective.
The ONE aids us and there is no thanks. We are soooo small. There is no thanks. If we long to say thanks-- love the CREATION -- the loving ONE needs NOTHING from us except to grow. The ONE does NOT SPEAK IN LANGUAGE EVER!!!!!!!
Why are we here? We are here to grow, and so few do in our culture.
Umm... drunk. I'll never let go of the dude, but will move out after the holidays.
I love him too much to let go like that. Did that long ago a few times, regretted it each and every. Never with my brother. I'll always love him, and don't know if he'll be better alone, but know I can't keep this up. It's hard enough to be me in this world, much less trying to prop him up when he seems not enthusiastic about anything (unless I am--ugg).
peace, love (or least a lil sincere affection), and no drugs 'cept weed on the weekends!
but why the fuck do i have this song in my head???
i can't get that stupid young jeezy ad-lib out my head. " a quarter million". OH GOD!!
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS FUCKING FLASH PLAYER!!!!! man, FUCKING FLASH PLAYER, WORK DAMNIT WORK!!! keeps on telling me to install. DAMNIT, about to make me burn my damn tacos in the oven. FUCK!
i hate when i feel depressed because then i get upset, then i get angry and then i start having thoughts of taking out my anger on certain people by doing terrible things to them because i think that they deserve it. i've been trying REALLY hard to bottle up and ignore these feelings BUT it's been hard. the more thoughts i have regarding certain things or people, i just get angrier and angrier. i don't know why i feel like this right now but yo.... i'm trying to stay cool and calm EVEN though i'm far from it. it sucks that the things that i want to do to get this anger out of me i can't do because i'll get in trouble and i don't want to get in fucking problems. either way, i end up losing regardless of whatever the fuck i do. either way, i am just down and raging. trying to jerk off or whatever and my father came home. i don't want to talk to him either because i want to be left alone.
I hate when men have an ass that feels like wet bread!!
you know, as a black person, i will NEVER, EVER understand how a black person would hate themselves so much where they would say something like this or feel this way about themselves and black people in general. this whole entire post IRKS the shit out of me. IRKS ME.
not only is it a smack in the face to himself. it's basically a smack in the face to every black person on this site and on the planet. i would like to know how this guy was raised and who he hangs around with, seriously. oh boy. to dude, as i said before, don't even say anything concerning the gay community or anybody. worry about yourself. this most definitely ain't getting a pass. your pass has been REVOKED. you might as well delete yourself from this site. if you were 12 and going through an identity crisis, i'd understand BUT @ 18, you most definitely are too old to be thinking or doing this shit. i knew when he did a thread about "if white guys like black guys" that this guy had some self hatred issues going on. i thought ole boy was working on it BUT this on the other hand is something else.
hope you get your gifts in time for the holiday.
and you sound like you got your mom a very hard to find gift to like something that they don't make anymore or is out of print. what was it? kind of curious to know.
something that i'm realizing that's beginning to bother me. i FEEL like i'm getting old. i'm only 26 BUT i feel like i'm 27. :( i used to feel like a kid BUT i feel like an adult for real. like i should have my own apartment, paying my own bills and holding myself down now. i had a nightmare last night about going back to the same job that i left and never hoped to come back from. for some reason, i was happy but that was because i was working and was making money. there are some things that i wanted for christmas that couldn't be brought or i didn't have yet. my independence, getting my loan paid off, getting a good mark on the lsat, and etc, etc, etc.
what can i say, i no longer feel like behaving like a kid.
Wow, what a DEPRESSING thread this has become. Is there anybody in all of JUBland who feels the cheer and warmth of this holiday season? I wish you, one and all, a load of happiness and an optimistic outlook as we move into 2013. May it be a happier year for all.
SO true.... I'm about to kill my BF right now!!!!!!
After a number of years and a number of single-not single life experiences
I have become a convinced follower of the Tenet
Nobody is suitable companionship
Not on God's Green Earth anyway.
when you were a snotty, whiney asshole of an adolescent
(and who wasn't)
did not your Adults who cared often give you chances
so you could one day grow up and become Cupid Boy
wonderful guy you are today?
I believe it is the same principle.
man, you know i have to get this off my head for a minute.
my bro and me were in the car talking about us going to this new years party or whatever. i told him that i'm scared that some woman might bother me where i'll be forced to tell her that i'm gay in front of my two homeboys that don't know about it yet. :( then my bro tells me that he had a convo with my mom sometime ago about me and he said that he believed that i was really gay and she said that i just wanted to make an excuse because i'm having trouble accepting responsibility so that i'm lying about being gay.
you know, that really pissed me off. you know, if there's ONE thing that i HATE and i REALLY HATE THIS, it's when i'm DEAD serious about something or telling the truth AND SOMEONE SAYS THAT I'M A LIAR OR DOESN'T BELIEVE ME. that's the most disrespectful thing someone can EVER do to me. like for real, i'm angry with how for the longest time, i've been dealing with being sad, depressed, being angry, being unpopular, not having any friends at the moment, trying to live with myself for the longest since i was a preteen. i didn't know how to deal with shit or how to ask for help so i began to look for ways how to cope with my issues. when i became a teenager, i got worse during high school so i then asked my mom for help whenever i found myself in a jam. instead of trying to understand me or at least be of some sort of help, she would just brush me off and go like "maybe you have magic powers" basically telling me to get out of her hair. to her, it didn't make sense for me to act the way that i was acting. she busted her ass to put clothes on my back, have whatever i wanted, eat whatever i wanted to eat and basically spoil me rotten so if i had any issues or whatever wasn't going right, i had no excuse. i just had to deal with it. so that's what i did, i dealt with it and things weren't working. :mad: so now when i'm a certain way now after trying to do shit by myself and i say the same story, it's the same fucking shit. she'll say to me whenever i say the same fucking thing that i've been saying since i was 14, she'll go like "why are you going to the shrink? you have nothing wrong with you. you're not gay. you're not depressed. you just need to keep yourself busy. you need to get busy living your life." man, honestly, if i killed myself tomorrow, i wonder if her ass will believe me when i told her every fucking thing.
like for real, the worst feeling that i've ever felt was the feeling of being helpless. it just reminds me of the time back in kindergarten where all these kids would terrorize me, hurt me and the whole nine and when i would ask for help from the teachers that were supposed to intervene. THEY DIDN'T DO A FUCKING THING. i would be crying saying that i got my bookbag stolen by some kid, i got stabbed with a pencil with my hand bleeding profusely, and they would look @ me with the "what the fuck do you want us to do? go away from me". it was like wow, these people don't give a fuck about me. so after all these years dealing with whatever and i act the way i do and go about dealing with shit my way, i really don't want to hear any bullshit from anybody ready to criticize me or my behavior. where were they when i was asking for help? in no way am i saying that my mom is a horrible parent or didn't do shit for me. i just don't like how when i had a problem where i really needed her help and it was something such as dealing with a bully or feeling upset and not knowing how to deal with my emotions or whatever, she would turn the other way. my father wasn't there at home. he would just do whatever he feel like and he wasn't interested in hearing me. so i turned to the internet and that's not the place where i would recommend anybody to tell their problems because you have people outthere who are always looking for a way to boost themselves up by any means. so now, i'm a grown man and i'm dealing with my life as i see fit. i'll listen to folks for advice BUT @ the same time, i feel that since i've been ignored for so long and dealt with being in pain so much, i really don't give a fuck and i'm going to do whatever i feel like doing. whoever has a problem with it can kiss my ass.
it just angers me how i had to turn to the internet in order to talk to someone about my issues BECAUSE the people that were supposed to care such as my parents turned away. now i'm a grown ass man, my mom wants to basically make me feel bad about me wanting to be a better person and fix whatever issues that i have going on that i've dealt with as a teenager. then she has the nerve to turn around and expect me to be her therapist or whatever. man.....
Shockwave Flash: the measure of a shitty site.
How many parents are even bothering to get married anymore. They don't want to bother with 'love, honour and obey 'til death do they part' and all those difficult things.
That kind of happy family exists in Walt Disney films.
i just wish that my parents would have helped me deal with my problems when they were occurring when i was a preteen/teenager then maybe i wouldn't have came out to be the person that i am today. now i have to be the one to go out and seek the help that i SHOULD have received a long time ago that my parents neglected to do for me simply because they didn't THINK or want to believe that i had a problem. the thing that gets me is some of the shit was clear as day too and none of them bothered to ask why. they could have cared less behind what were my reasons for doing what i did. they tried to answer the question themselves instead of asking ME. it just angers me a whole lot. that's why i try my hardest to ignore my mom whenever she goes on these rants about why you're not doing this, making cop outs and etc. it makes no sense to waste time on the ignorant that don't get it or can't see how their thinking isn't working.
she has the nerve to say that i'm acting like my father, comparing me to that hasbeen. to tell you the truth, her way of thinking has put her in more problems. i'm already angry with my father for being an asshole. i've grown angry with my mother because she is basically trying to turn me into HER and she doesn't realize it. i don't want to be like either of them. i'm NOT going to take advantage of somebody for my gain like my father does and i damn sure am not going to run away from my problems and act like a stubborn ass when it comes to asking for help like my mother does basically getting herself into issues trying to live off a fucking fantasy that doesn't exist.
When a kid was just another hand that worked the land for you, marriages were arranged by trading a cow or some produce for a daughter. When divorce was heavily socially stigmatized people stayed in horrible marriages where they were beaten or abused.
Today, in most cases, both parties in a marriage have to work, both have to provide financially, and that means the state of dependency that above and beyond the platitudes you mention kept people together in the past doesn't exist as much anymore.
as for what you said concerning marriages, it's just sad that looking at the older married couples especially women that have that "stand by your man even if he treats you dirt, stay together for the kids, make sure that there's a father figure there even if he's lousy" mentality. they're willing to put themselves and their kids in a bad position simply to please that man that has no interest in anybody but himself.
and even these days now, it's scary to hear how some of these young men and young women view how their partner is supposed to be. they want someone to love but they don't know how to treat that person at all. it's just disturbing.
Man! I love the snow plow guys, but for the third time today there is a mountian of snow at the end of my driveway. One more time and he's getting a snow ball full of dog shit right to the head. :grrr:
The plow backed up and moved the snow.
I've hella fallen out of the habit of using hella as much in my typing since I hella moved back to the LA area, but I still hella say it sometimes in speech.
Btw if it makes you feel any better it's really used just like a west coast version of the way they use "wicked" on the east coast, or at least, used to.
okay, i had a terrible dream if it was a dream last night and i'm cringing just talking about it. :(
i was walking around the west end of town close to the village area (not talking about new york either) and i ended up at some university that suddenly appeared there. i was hanging out in some dorm with two women who surprisingly i was able to loosen up and act the same way i was around my brother and my homeboy when i get silly. we talked and chatted. at some point, i had my cell phone out and they had pics of my brother and me shirtless in gym shorts outside ready to run after dark. they saw one of the photos and started play fighting me, jumping all over me to get the cell out my hand. after all that, one of them told me that i was a weirdo and if i knew that. :lol: then i asked them if they could hang out with me tomorrow. one said yes. the other had to go to take care of her little sister.
then everything just changed. the next thing i know, i'm going through an episode of sleep paralysis. here's what's scary. i swear on my life, i felt someone on top of me over the blanket. i felt a hand on the blanket covering my mouth. i couldn't move, couldn't talk or whatever BUT someone. then i realized that that person wasn't just on top of me but they were violently humping me with the sheet on top of me. i couldn't breathe, i was trying to move but couldn't. i then tried to scream for help BUT i couldn't. eventually after 4 minutes, i was able to yell a faint help, help to my father in the next room BUT apparently he didn't hear me. i then was able to move but i was so terrified because i didn't know if what had happened just happened or if it was just sleep paralysis. :( either way, i still was under the sheet and was too scared to take it off me because i thought the person was still there. i then took it off me and saw that nobody was there. either way, i felt like i had been violated or was in total disbelief that what i thought happened happened. i don't know if it was a sleep paralysis episode or if someone actually was humping me with the sheet over my head. i want to check the sheet to see if there's any semen on there but i'm scared to.
I think the Kuli-O is handing us a bit of a
up there in his post #436, yess I do..