21 Year Old Virgin

Like the topic says, I am a 21 year old virgin. I've never had a real bf/gf either. I've gone on a few dates, and at least one of them I know wanted to have sex. Though I was attracted to him, we only went out twice, and I wasn't ready. He was understanding and didn't push it, and if I had stayed in the city longer, we probably would be dating now.

Anyhow, everywhere I see makes it seem like I'm a loser for not having been in a significant relationship by now, much less for still being a virgin. Is this really how the world is? Is it really that big a deal that I haven't done anything? Don't get me wrong - I want to, but I want to wait for the right person, and I just haven't found him/her yet.

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Originally Posted by mtnboy

Like the topic says, I am a 21 year old virgin. I've never had a real bf/gf either. I've gone on a few dates, and at least one of them I know wanted to have sex. Though I was attracted to him, we only went out twice, and I wasn't ready. He was understanding and didn't push it, and if I had stayed in the city longer, we probably would be dating now.

Anyhow, everywhere I see makes it seem like I'm a loser for not having been in a significant relationship by now, much less for still being a virgin. Is this really how the world is? Is it really that big a deal that I haven't done anything? Don't get me wrong - I want to, but I want to wait for the right person, and I just haven't found him/her yet.

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I was a virgin until I was 23, largely due to being in denial of the fact that I was gay. So I was trying to live the straight life but dating girls was lest just say "difficult" until I finally lost it to a girl one night when I was drunk. And it was ok... Well kinda fun actually, and once no longer a virgin, the pressure certainly lifted.

Depending on hard your stance on it being with the right person is, if I were to go through it all again knowing what I know now, I would hook up with the first random guy I was attracted to and get it out of the way. I'm not sure that anyone's first time is actually their best, due to nervousness, but once done once, the pressure definitely eases a lot.

Disclaimer: that may be the worst advice ever. YMMV!!

I'm 20 and just kissed a dude for the first time last week. Needless to say Im still a virgin as well. I say just take your time and let it happen naturally.

If you've been raised to strongly believe that your first sexual encounter should be with someone you love, then by all means follow that belief--you're young. However, if you don't meet the right person by the time you're in your mid 20's, I would seriously consider the advice of Stevielgw.

The glorification of the first time is bullshit. Your first time is never (or let's say very rarely) the magical moment of magical magic movies portray it as. You'll be nervous, all the expectations, fears, insecurity, hopes, etc. coming to the surface, with the added pressure of feelings for the other person.

Which is not to say you should go to the back room of a bar, and just bend over either. But hooking up with someone you are attracted to and feel comfortable enough with, even if you don't have "feelings" for them, is not in any way degrading or stealing anything from you. And life certainly changes in your head once you are no longer a virgin. Not because being a virgin is bad, but because you realize how little it matters.

^^ bingo!
What he just said!

Here's one of the adages by which I try to live. As long as there is no deliberate harm involved, do what you want to do and don't do what you don't want to do.

As for me, I'd be quite happy if the word virgin reverted to its original meaning and only referred to broken hymen.

At your age your sex drive is stronger than it will be in the future, and you equipment works the best. Don't waste it waiting for someone extra special. The first time will probably not be the best anyway, simply because you will likely be nervous, worried about knowing what to, will you seem foolish, can you perform etc etc. You later sex will be much better as all that encertainty fades away. For the first time i suggest you step and hug and kiss. You will feel a big surge of hormones and your fears and uncertainties will fade.

There's nothing wrong with being a virgin contrary to what society's morals give off. Waiting for the right person is admirable and I recommend it. As others have stated first times involve lots of nerves and by having someone you are comfortable with and who will stay with you after makes a difference. Ignore what people think, it's not a big deal if you havn't done anything.The right people will find it as a turn on.

To be fair, the people who find virgins a turn on are mostly predators and players though. I mean, it is kinda hot, but not really something that makes a guy sexy. And I agree that comfort is an absolute essential for your first time. However, contrary to popular belief, you are not likely to be comfortable with someone you have invested a lot of feelings and hopes in. A friend, someone you like physically and on a personal level, but not necessarily romantically, can often provide a much more fulfilling first time. That was my experience both for my first time having sex, and my first time bottoming, and I don't regret it one bit.

And this is coming from a very relationship-oriented person btw. I'm not a hook up guy at all.

OP: I feel you man, in the same boat. I get close with girls but they play me out because i look 3+ years younger than i actually am. With guys can never figure out if they swing that way so no luck there....so at the moment i'm SOL

Im sort of in a similar boat... I'm 24 too... sometimes I just feel an urge to just hook up with a random guy but I just know I will regret it. I thinking making love is a special thing and should be with at least someone you love or have feelings for. But hey.... look where my advice has gotten me? Haha 24 and virgin :p

Read my posts in the topic pls.

I had the same exact thoughts and situation. and I'm 23. It took me to learn that virginity is a social construct, and it we put the weight and importance on it. So it took me time to realize what virginity meant to me and how what I wanted to do with it, whether if fit in society's standards or not. Secondly, I was happy to have waited so long to find someone. It was worth it to me. :) but to each their own. Don't feel bad about being a virgin at 21. You're not a loser, just waiting for the right opportunity!

Don't waste you best sexual years witing for something perfect.

I'm 29 and still a virgin. I don't like it, but I'm sure my first guy would love it...I hope.

I'm only 18 and sometimes I get down on myself because I'm a virgin, I've never been on a date, I've never had a first kiss, etc. but I know that it'll happen eventually. We have a lot of time for that stuff to happen. Until then, I try to forget about it and just enjoy life.

Don't feel pressured by anyone to have sex. It's the same as coming out. Do it when your ready. It's your life and you should live it the way YOU want. Your not a loser for waiting for the right time/person. There are many, many, many guys; some older than you that are inexperienced. It may feel like your the only person but your not. Hell, look at how many guys have replied to this thread stating they are in the same situation. Yes, physically you are in your sexual prime but if your not ready emotionally for it then don't do it.

Hollywood and some people like to make it look like the V card is something to be ashamed of or losing it is this super amazing thing. The reality is it's rather anti climactic (pardon the pun) When your ready go ahead and do it. Just don't let anyone push you into doing it or feel guilty because you choose to wait. It's not their life. It's yours.

Steven.

Sex isn't even the half of it.

21 and he hasn't has his "V" Card punched?

My advice?

mtnboy, you need to relax. :)

If you find a dude attractive, and he want's to get into your pants, then let him.

BOOM!

You got that out of the way.

The next more crucial step is realizing that "sex" does not define a "relationship."

Though many of us have confused the two.

You're 21! Have some FUN! You should be enjoying this, not worrying about whether you and this "other" are compatible for a long term relationship. Because that's where the real soul searching begins, and the first step to finding yourself.

:)

I'm 21, a virgin, never kissed a guy, never had a serious girlfriend when I was "straight", and now that I am out, I want to look around, find a guy, experiment a bit... but I'm so nervous. The idea of being so new, and so insecure about it, its frightening.

I'm not waiting for the right person, I'm not trying to save myself... But I wanna find somebody who isn't gonna use me. I want it to mean something, not just a one night stand.

It kinda scares me thinking I might never get over the fear, or the hesitation...

I magine meeting a random guy and having him fuck you on your first time but because you two dont care for each other he now goes around telling everyone, gay and straight, he popped your cherry wouldn't you feel embarassed. Think about things thoroughly before jumping in that why it helps if it is done with a trusted boyfriend, its a much more relaxed atmosphere with no awkward moments and the horrible silence afterwards since you have nothing to say to the random stranger

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Originally Posted by WesOxford

I'm 21, a virgin, never kissed a guy, never had a serious girlfriend when I was "straight", and now that I am out, I want to look around, find a guy, experiment a bit... but I'm so nervous. The idea of being so new, and so insecure about it, its frightening. I'm not waiting for the right person, I'm not trying to save myself... But I wanna find somebody who isn't gonna use me. I want it to mean something, not just a one night stand. It kinda scares me thinking I might never get over the fear, or the hesitation...

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hi WesOxford,

First of all, welcome to J U B and feel free to ask any question you have. Great to hear that you are out, so the gay guys around you are aware that you are gay as well. Do you have some gay friends? Make clear that you are 'single & available & gay', and open to friendships with gay guys.

I can imagine very well that you feel nervous and insecure. Don't worry, because many of the straight guys of around your age and in the same situation (= no experience at all with a sweet girl) will also feel nervous and insecure and have no idea what to do.

So you are 21, are you a student? Would you mind to tell us abit more about your background?

Well, be open about yourself and your situation and about things you like and you don't like. There are loads and loads and loads of guys of 21 without any experience in sex with another person. So you are not a rare example.

Make some gay friends (maybe you have already some of them). How about touching a gay guy, or playing with just his hands / his fingers when you are together with him? Or just abit cuddling each other? There are no fixed rules for how gay guys must interact with each other, so never ever let a guy do things with you which you don't like.

Feel free to react, and I hope you make many friends over here in J U B.

Take care.

Hey mtnboy,

I know how you feel with the pressure to lose your virginity. I myself am 28 and still a virgin, for various reasons. You shouldn't feel pressured to do something just because society seems to think you should. I mean who is going to give you a hard time about not having had sex? Unless you go around telling people there is no reason for anyone to even know. I can't imagine many people you would find yourself getting into a relationship with really having an issue with you being a virgin, and if they do then maybe they aren't worth dating anyway. Most would probably just want to help you not be one. ;) It's your life, and your body you have to do what feels right for you, not what others feel is right.

So, in short my advice is to just do what makes you happy. If that means having sex with someone then go for it (just be safe) if it means waiting for someone special then go with that.

Thanks Ganoderma

I'm 21, not a student(yet, I've been putting it off, but I wanna get back into school) I'm currently just working, I'm a busboy at an Italian restaurant, but I might be getting promoted to a server soon, which would be amazing *Fingers Crossed!*

I don't really have many friends, and the ones I do have are not gay, so I don't really have anybody that could help me ease into our local scene.

I don't really hang out with that many people, and when we do hang out, I'm never in a social situation where I could meet new people.. that's my biggest problem, I never meet anybody new, so I can never get to a point of being in a situation with a guy

Nah, I think virgins are kinda cute.
If my date would tell me he's a virgin yet, I would be totally enamored :)

hi WesOxford,

Thanks for your friendly reply and I hope you will soon get promoted to become a server.

You told us that you are out, and I tend to think that this means that your straight friends and your co-workers at the restaurant are aware that you are gay. Maybe / likely (?) one of more of them also has a gay brother / cousin / [former] classmate / sportsmate / etc. All will know that you are single, and quite a few of them (all?) might be aware that you are looking around / available. So be clear to people around you that you are 'single and looking around for a nice guy'. You never go to birthday parties where you meet new people? Ofcourse, you can also start using hookup sites.

How about Facebook? Are you on Facebook? Is it clear on your Facebook page that you are gay ['Interested in Men' = enough]? I mean, how easy is it for other gays in your surroundings to find out that you are gay?

Take care & good luck.

I'm out to my friends, but my family doesn't know yet... so I can't advertise on Facebook, I'm hesitant to tell my family because I still live with them while I can get a good paying job and get out on my own.

Coworkers know, but nothing has come from that yet.

I really don't ever get put into situations where I meet new people, everybody that I know, I have known for years, so we are a really close knit group... its odd, but we all have each other, and don't really have other friends.


I've thought about dating sites, but that just leads to me to the insecure thoughts of meeting somebody who isn't as invested as I might be... I don't wanna find somebody just trolling for dicks.

I've been looking into local LGBT Groups... but with my work schedule, I'm never able to go to any of their events.

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Originally Posted by AngolaZee

If you are hanging around the type of people that make you feel like a loser for being a virgin than you are hanging around the wrong people. Fucking random strangers is the behavior of prostitutes and they do it to put bread on the table what is your excuse. It says a lot about the psychological make up of people who think there is nothing wrong with dropping your pants off for strangers. And we wonder why the hetero community sees gay people as a bunch of horny rabbits constantly burning to fuck any man up the ass.

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My excuse was that i wanted to have gay sex, because i thought it would be good (it was), and so i did it
Nobody made me feel bad about not having had it, its just that I wanted it, and I felt bad because i hadn't satisfied that desire/need (NOT because of peer pressure, eg, i almost never drink and i never smoke which is harder to endure under peer pressure when you go on a night out and literally everyone is doing one of the two, and asking you why you are not....)
And sex is not something you can live without (unless you're assexual) + the period that our body is better prepared for it is in our 20s
You criticize the idea of "getting it out of the way" because it is a pre conception that being virgin at 21 is bad (I agree that it isn't)
But you encourage the pre conception that losing your vigirnity (and having sex) is something almost sacred. It is not.
Of course we shouldn't have sex with just any guy, but if you feel attracted to him, and he feels attracted to you
why the hell not????
At 21 you are not so old (though not that young either) BUT if you WANT TO, DO IT
NOT with a "random" in the sense, not with first guy that wants you
but with a guy that you also want to and to which you feel some sort of connection.

But my point is, of course sex is something that you should have with someone you like,
and, ideally, with someone you love, but it might be really hard to find such a person (that you love, not like)
and ultimately, it is a human need, and, IF is it not an habit, there's nothing that wrong with having sex
with someone you just met...

My experience: yesterday evening i was virgin (ok, not exactly, but never had sex with boys, and, more specifically, never had been fucked, which i consider to be quite an intimate thing...). yesterday night i went to a gay bar, and eventually met this guy, he seemed like a nice guy, we had a connection, i liked him, he said he liked me, i went to his apartment and we "dropped our pants". I was amazed on how simple it was, but of course, i talked to him first about his background, to get a "feeling" if he was "ok" though i admit, there was a chance i could be wrong, but mostly, if you keep you're eyes open, and talk to the guy first, there should be no problem i guess.
I'm not trying to support my argument with my experience, my sample size is just 1, but hopefully it helps the OP....

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Originally Posted by WesOxford

I'm out to my friends, but my family doesn't know yet... so I can't advertise on Facebook, I'm hesitant to tell my family because I still live with them while I can get a good paying job and get out on my own.

Coworkers know, but nothing has come from that yet. I really don't ever get put into situations where I meet new people, everybody that I know, I have known for years, so we are a really close knit group... its odd, but we all have each other, and don't really have other friends. I've thought about dating sites, but that just leads to me to the insecure thoughts of meeting somebody who isn't as invested as I might be... I don't wanna find somebody just trolling for dicks. I've been looking into local LGBT Groups... but with my work schedule, I'm never able to go to any of their events.

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hi WesOxford,

Thanks for your answer. I tend to think that still being closeted towards your family is the main reason which is hampering you to make some progress in getting gay friends as well. I was wondering what's the reason why you are hesitant to tell your family that you are gay. Are all of them homophobes / bigots? I mean, right now you are in some sort of 'stand still-position' towards making new gay friends. According to your family, you are 'straight & still looking around for a nice girlfriend'. I would not be too much suprized that people will have thought why you still don't have a girlfriend ("Too busy with work" is a lame excuse?). Are you really afraid that your family will disown you / throw you out of the house (etc)? I mean, your friends and your co-workers are aware that you are gay and all are cool about it, and that's an indication for me that you don't live in a very homophobic surrounding.

Definitively, making some gay friends is much, much easier when your family is also aware that you are gay. Right now, you are not really 'lying' to your family about your sexual orientation, but that will change when you will get gay friends and/or will have contact with the local LGBT group. I would suggest to make contact with the local LGBT group. Maybe they have some sort of mailing list, or meetings at times when you are also able to attend. Not all guys on dating sites are trolling for dicks, and its always up to you when you want to meet a guy in real life.

Definitively, some of your straight friends (male and female) will have a partner right now (or in the past), and you can always tell them that you also would like to have one / have some nice dates (same like your straight friends are dating girls). Never a bad idea to let them know that you are 'available' for another gay guy.

Take care & good luck.

Don't worry about it. I'm 27 and never had sex or been in a relationship with a women. The only gay sex i had was with a friend. You just got to take your time and have hope.

I totally get that you don't want to jump in bed with any random guy.

But, really, it shouldn't take years to find even a single guy that you feel comfortable with. Especially if you haven't even kissed a guy yet.

I know I'm bringing this up from the dredges, but I haven't been on JUB forever! But in any event, I have started to come out to some of my friends. Most of my coworkers know (mostly just since they're 3 hours from my family). My two closest friends know as well. And the guy I thought would end this streak called it off last night b/c it's too hard for him not seeing me as often as he wants. Super down about that, but now I'm hitting the online sites hard, and I'm hoping to have a talk w/ one of my female bi friends this evening about possibly going to the gay club in Atlanta. Or at least hanging out w/ her gay friend.

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Originally Posted by rolyo85

the glorification of the first time is bullshit. Your first time is never (or let's say very rarely) the magical moment of magical magic movies portray it as. You'll be nervous, all the expectations, fears, insecurity, hopes, etc. Coming to the surface, with the added pressure of feelings for the other person.

Which is not to say you should go to the back room of a bar, and just bend over either. But hooking up with someone you are attracted to and feel comfortable enough with, even if you don't have "feelings" for them, is not in any way degrading or stealing anything from you. And life certainly changes in your head once you are no longer a virgin. Not because being a virgin is bad, but because you realize how little it matters.

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^^^^^this!^^^^^

I understand completely, I was 21 the first time I did anything with a guy. Looking back now I see that I just didn't want to be a virgin anymore, because the reasons you said and I didn't want to be alone. I don't want to say I regret it.....but I wish I didn't meet that guy, it wasn't worth it. Then again life lessons etc.

Personally I say if you want to have sex just hook up safely with someone you find hot. That way you don't get your heart broken, and you won't regret it because you'd have fucked a hot guy.

Just my advice, if you go out looking for a boyfriend as a complete virgin you'll have to be leery as there are many predators. Be careful. (*8*)

Wait for the right person. It's not a race :) my boyfriend dated 5 guys before fully doing everything with someone (I was lucky #6). It's not a race. My view is that as long as you give it to someone you like and won't regret it later then it's worth it. Why lose it to someone who won't even remember your name?

You wanna lose your virginity? Here's some advice: go to the gym for a month or two, get a jockstrap, put a condom in your pocket and go to a gay bar.

Have fun ;}

Also, if you're waiting to be in a committed, monogamous relationship before you 'give' your virginity away to someone you 'love,' you're wasting your time. That only happens in the movies and members of the same high school band.

The first thing you must do is let go of the need to live up to what you feel society's expectations of you are. It is important to understand that nobody ever gets anywhere with a need of validation from others. I believe things come to you once you let that go. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's an important thing to work on.

Some will say that you shouldn't waste your young years being celibate. However, what you really should be doing with your young years is what makes YOU happy, not what you feel others want you to do. Then, when you look back at your youth, you will be happy that you spent it doing things you enjoyed. If you are not ready to have sex, then don't. Nobody can tell you when the right time for you to have sex is except for yourself! Whatever you decide to do, just make sure you're being as safe and as healthy as possible! :D

I would say don't worry about what other people think and just do what you feel is right for you. Whichever that means for you then go for it. I'm quite a few years older than you and still a virgin (perhaps for different reasons than you) and really it's no big deal.

I was 27,when I had my first time,and I never thought that being any issue,not having it before,that is.I am too keen believer,that first time rarely,if ever,is what it is advertised...There is tricks of the trade to learn,you know.;)

Well, I was 21 when I had sex for the first time, I had big issues with being "old" and still be a virgin, silly me! LOL. Fortunately I was lucky with the guy I was with, but everything went wrong, it was terrible, funny but terrible, later he wanted to go into a super serious relationship and I was just trying to figure out what was I doing there, thinking "was that it?". I believe that in the end we both got hurt, first him, and later me, when I realized that I liked him. I know now that at the time that I just wasn't ready, it wasn't my worse decision, but the truth is that I wasn't ready, I became way more sexual later, and it keeps getting worse!!!

It always depends from person to person, I would say that any time is a good time to do it, if you feel it, but if you find someone you like to do it with, even better! It may save you from some regrets! And the thing about not making the best of your youth because you're not having sex, forget it, it's only truth if you really feel you want it!

For you 'late bloomers' out there, for god's sake, don't get depressed over not having sex. It should MEAN SOMEHTING when you do it. Don't just do it just to say you've done it.

My first truly sexual experience was at 29...and I'm 30 now. I was in the closet until about a month after I met my boyfriend, now fiancé/soulmate. I didn't have sex because I wanted it to be with the one I love and it was only around a month of actually being a couple did we finally have sex. I grew up in an old fashioned family with old fashioned values which I still follow. Ok...maybe not to the letter because it would have been AFTER the marriage, but over a year into our relationship and we are going strong, in all aspects.

Take it from an old timer. :rolleyes: Don't let your peers or outside influences taunt you. There is nothing to be ashamed of and there is no rush. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

MY experience was different. I did it in order to have done it, and I am happy I did. The longer you wait, the more hangups you have about it, the more performance and emotional issues you build in your head. There is a reason why people start being sexually active in their teens and not their 30s. So yeah, I have had a lot of "MEAN SOMETHING" sex since I lost my virginity, but my first time was just so I could get it out of the way, break the wall and start learning.

Point taken and no offence meant. Different strokes and schools of thought.

Let me amend my above post by adding: YMMV

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Originally Posted by Coward92

Nah, I think virgins are kinda cute.
If my date would tell me he's a virgin yet, I would be totally enamored :)

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I agree. I hooked up with a 20 yr old virgin a few weeks ago. He was absolutely adorable. We met on-line. While chatting, I felt such pressure to make it a great experience for him. He kept reassuring me, saying its just sex, not a big deal. I think he wanted to just finally lose it.

Anyway, we met and had a great time, and he left no longer a virgin. We made out a lot, sucked, and I fucked him in various positions. We emailed a couple of days later and he said it was really hot and he had a great time. I felt much better. He wants to fuck again. (!)

While there is nothing wrong with being a virgin necessarily, it is just not expected past a certain age. People fuck. That is what they do. Most guys (something like 85%) have had sex by the time they are 21. The average person has had two sexual partners before turning 20. (This is all according to the Kinsey Institute)

Being an older virgin definitely makes you different. It is not a bad thing, but it is not a good thing either.

21 is not too old to have sex for the first time though. That would be more like 26-27. If no one has wanted to fuck you by that point, then you are looking at a lifetime of virginity (based on the data, again). If/when you reach that point, you will stop carrying about it. Very few people are that bad though (less than 2% of the population).

When I was twenty one I hadn't been in a significant relationship either. Had a few fleeting girlfriends, no committment though with any. I was also very inexperienced and lacking confidence when it came to sex. i think the perception is that during the late teen, early twenty years, hormones are raging. A great percentage of guys, and girls, in those years don't really have the inhibitions like others, like you and me. There are a lot of us though, that don't just succumb to purely physical demands, it's more complex.

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Originally Posted by mtnboy

Like the topic says, I am a 21 year old virgin. I've never had a real bf/gf either. I've gone on a few dates, and at least one of them I know wanted to have sex. Though I was attracted to him, we only went out twice, and I wasn't ready. He was understanding and didn't push it, and if I had stayed in the city longer, we probably would be dating now.

Anyhow, everywhere I see makes it seem like I'm a loser for not having been in a significant relationship by now, much less for still being a virgin. Is this really how the world is? Is it really that big a deal that I haven't done anything? Don't get me wrong - I want to, but I want to wait for the right person, and I just haven't found him/her yet.

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Originally Posted by Rolyo85

To be fair, the people who find virgins a turn on are mostly predators and players though. I mean, it is kinda hot, but not really something that makes a guy sexy. And I agree that comfort is an absolute essential for your first time. However, contrary to popular belief, you are not likely to be comfortable with someone you have invested a lot of feelings and hopes in. A friend, someone you like physically and on a personal level, but not necessarily romantically, can often provide a much more fulfilling first time. That was my experience both for my first time having sex, and my first time bottoming, and I don't regret it one bit.

And this is coming from a very relationship-oriented person btw. I'm not a hook up guy at all.

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^^^ i totally agree with this. i very recently lost my virginity to a guy friend of mine. we aren't in a relationship, we dont care for each other romantically, but we are good friends that communicate well and because of that, this has worked out. im new to having sex but hes had years of experience so i look at it like hes my mentor and im his student :P

basically, i think what it boils down to is, do whatever makes you comfortable and whatever feels right for you! dont feel pressured to have sex just because you think people will look down on you. forget them then -- they aren't worth your time anyways.

just from personal experience, for the longest time (it seems), i always envisioned waiting for the "right guy" or being in a romantic relationship but that in itself was getting me all mixed up. i then was looking to get into a relationship just so i could lose my virginity basically. now that i've lost it, i feel this weight kinda has been lifted, if that makes sense?

anyways, i think its just best to take into consideration all of the replies here on this thread. but ultimately -- its your life, you need to find what you want and go for it, either way. whatever makes you happy!