A baby seal walks into a club...
A baby seal walks into a club...
humans die cause
NO just kiddin
they live faeva ons reality tv shows
Why did the Plum hire a lawyer?
Cause he was in a jam.
What type of flashlight does a native use at night, when climbing down from the Andes, so that he can see where he's going?
Incan descent. (I just now made this up)
A nurse was giving a sponge bath to a comatose woman when she noticed a reaction on the machine from the patient when her genitals were washed. She quickly called the woman's husband and he rushed right over. She explained to the husband what happens when his wife's genitals were washed and suggested that maybe some action on his part will bring his wife out of a coma. He was a little surprised but since he loved his wife dearly, he would try anything. The nurse suggested a little oral sex and assured their total privacy. She closed the curtain and left the room.
A few minutes later the woman's machine alarm went off and the nurse rushed into the room to find the woman had flatlined and passed away.
The nurse turned to the husband and demanded to know what happened. "Nothing!! I just did what you said. I think she choked."
A Japanese VIAGRA ad might say:
"If condition persists more than four hours, call an erectrician."
What did the 0 say to the 8?
What's the square root of 69?
The First Ever Blonde GUY Joke...
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas ! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Father Mike and Father Rico were standing together peeing at the urinals. Father Mike couldn't help but sneak a peek at Father Rico's junk, where he discovered a Nicorette patch. "Um, Father Rico, it's none of my business, but I think those patches are supposed to go on your arms, no?" "Nawww!" replies Father Rico. "They work fine right there. I'm down to three butts a day."
Newt Gingrich and Jesse Helms had just passed another anti-gay law and were about to shake hands when a congressional aide told them they couldn't, "The law clearly states a prick can't touch and asshole."
A guy with a duck on his head walks into a psychiatrists office. The shrink says, "How can I help you?" And the duck says, "Can you help me get this guy off my ass."
who is Andreus? and btw, all the Jokes are funny as heck
Andreus was a rather opinionated Greek guy who lived in the Boston area. His heart was in the right place, and he was steadfast and sincere in his beliefs, which he sometimes expressed very strongly here. It was very evident that he was a caring, and highly intelligent, person.
He died several years ago from AIDS, and he continued to post here as long as he could. Briefly his brother Mitri (who some people think wasn't "real" but I definitely think he was, because the styles were very different) was hanging out with us in here. Andreus' English was flawless...Mitri's English was not very good but he was still able to communicate his thoughts in a surprisingly intense manner.
Andreus is missed and was respected by the great majority of people who got to "know him" (to the degree that's possible on an Internet forum, at least), even those who vehemently disagreed with him.
The Heaviest Element Known to Science
The CSIRO in Australia has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
[EDIT: I assume that is the number of people who sit in Parliament?]
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.
Just another of those days!
There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a huge, hairy biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, dude," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life, I say". "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took to get home. I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
has nice day now
* ooh *
or press 2 if ya no like has nice day now
* ooh *
or press 3 if ya no like 2
* ooh ? *
or press 4 if ya no like 3
* UH? *
or press 5 if no like 4
* gah *
or press 6 if no like 5 ans if like hear all options again press O we is company wot a care jingull jungull happy doo
* smash *
thankyou for ya waitin ans has nice day or
* smash smash smash *
so how ya new phone thang?
* takin up smokin *
ooh dat nice
yes we is SMILE you ans afta please fill in preformance thang so we can IM PROVEEEEEEE smile a fa you
* SMASH SMASH SMASH *
why ya kickin da door? SMIIIIIILEEEEE or
world folk sure awsums
lucky awsums no read this
" SMIIIIIIIILEEEEEE "
A while ago a new supermarket opened in Chicago . It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy my toilet paper there.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms.
^ :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
What did Sally get for Christmas ?
Nobody knows, she couldn't open it.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar, one turns to the other and says, “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there!”
What's the square root of 69?
This isn't a joke, it was a clue in a crossword puzzle. But it tickled me and it might tickle you:
Of of of of of of of of of of (10 letters).
What do you call a computer that can sing?
Deepak Patel had just finished his Masters Degree in tiddlywinks, and he felt so very liberated. "At last! No more studying, no more term papers, no more exams, no more Thesis! I think I'm going to see what this big United States is all about."
He filled his car with his meager belongings, and headed east from the University of California at Riverside. He had wanted to go to Las Vegas his entire lifetime (well, since he found out about it in Grade 2 back in Trivandrum, India), so he headed up Interstate 15 and spent a couple days there, somehow managing to lose $71,943.22! The 22 cents came from the hole that showed up in his pants pocket, because there aren't any gambling machines in Las Vegas to accommodate such a small amount of money. He continued up to Interstate 70, turning east there. Much later in the day he reached Denver. "Cool! A CAPITAL! I really love visiting capitals."
And the day after he left Denver, he had that thrill again, at Topeka. He was also so happy that he had a lot of spare time to play Naked Twister with the entire Phelps family. You know, after all, that "God's family puts the FUN in dysfunctional." (This IS NOT really a joke, I saw that exact message on a church in Cornelius, Oregon in 2006...)
But, considerably later in the trip, about four hours after passing through St. Louis, Missouri and approaching yet ANOTHER state capital, he suddenly realized "Oh, DARN...I forgot to take the food out of the refrigerator and the fruit bowl back in California. Oh well. I'm certainly not going back there for that. Some leftover palak paneer, five or six eggs, a few apples/bananas/oranges, and some yoghurt..."
And about an hour later, at that state capital, there was the arrival of Deepak, the somewhat weary Indian, apple-less. (Sorry, this isn't a very good joke...I just now made it up...)
I forgot all about this! The answer is OFTENTIMES.
. . .
Q: Why do you never need to go hungry in the desert?
A: Because of all the sandwiches in it.
A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run"
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN". The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
This woman, a virgin, is on her very first flight when the engine sputters and the plane starts to go down. In a panic the woman jumps up and screams, "OMG! I have never felt the love of a man and now I'm going to die!!! Argh!!!!! Who here on this plane is man enough to make me feel like a woman before we crash?" This tall, dark and georgous young man stands up and slowly walks up to her as he takes off his shirt. He grabs her tight in his arms, hands her his shirt and whispers in her ear, "Here, iron this."
"A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much?'
"The hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'
"The guy says, '$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'
"The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'
"'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'
"'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'
"'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'
"The guy says, 'What the hell? I'll give it a try.'
"They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
"He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1000?'
"The hooker replies, '$1,500.'
"'$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that.'
"The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'
"The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job says, 'Sign me up.'
"Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into his retirement saving for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
"He asks the hooker, 'How much for some pussy?'
"The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window. Do you see how this whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'
"'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'
"'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'"
I"m gonna beat my dick like it owes me money. *|*
was a dude name a tony
was a cute ass a pony
ans all da town take turns
how taxis invent
British crosswords clues have two parts (one part is a real definition, the other part is wordplay), and the demarcation between the clue parts is usually intentionally vague.
Furthermore, many of the letters in British crosswords aren't "checked" (i.e. part of both Across and Down), while American crossword construction rules generally dictate that ALL letters in the grid be parts of words both Across and Down, with words a minimum of three letters long.
US and British crosswords are AS different from each other as are the games Monopoly and roulette. I'm not as good with working the British ones, but I can often get some of the answers - and sometimes entirely fill out the ones with "Americanized" clues. (British ones will sometimes have clues which will be obscure on this side of the Pond.)
A British clue that I made up a couple months ago: can you guess this one? "Checked" letters are shown.
Type of flashlight for a native climbing down from the Andes (12)
_ _ C _ _ _ _ S _ _ _ T
Saw this on tv the other night.....
Why doesn't Justin Bieber shop at Sports Authority?
He prefers Dicks!
A man makes a phone call. A little boy answers.
Man: Hello, Is your mum there?
Man: Could I speak to her please?
Man: Why not?
Boy: She's up in the attic.
Man: Oh, I see. In that case is your dad there?
Man: Could you ask him to come to the phone please?
Man: Why not?
Boy: He's in the attic as well.
Man: I see. So are there any other adults in the house with you?
Man: Well, who?
Boy: The Police are here.
Man: The Police? I think I'd better to speak to them then. Could you ask an officer to take the call please?
Man: Why not?
Boy: They're in the attic.
Man: What are they all doing in the attic?
Boy: They're looking for me.
this is not a joke but this is pretty damn funny.
Q:What do people do in Mississippi (insert favorite red neck Mecca) on Halloween?
What has 6 balls and fucks poor people?
the lottery (!)
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of blood-stained women's panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
Answer... "They're Carol's."
dude go sit on wood a bench in nice park yea nice park a pretty ans lot tree
but bench wet cause it rain ans rain wet
dude face not happy ans nice suit pants a wettys
anoda dude cum a by on littul merry walk tra la la in park
dude on bench look him ans say
* WET * in no a nice face
ans dude stop tra la laa a look dude a sec ans say ! YEA ! ans go on way tra la la laa
it start rain again
dude ons bench now a all wet ans he get off a bench ans rest day he tell everyone he wet
so if ya wet
it maybe rain on you taday or ya just wet
What's black and blue and red all over?
Rihanna in the passenger seat of a Lamborghini
A man called an escort agency and said, ' I want to hire the tallest, skinniest girl you've got. She's got to be very supple, long-limbed and bony. I require her to perform an unusual service for me at my home and I am willing to pay accordingly'. When the escort turned up he told her to strip off then said, 'You'll do,' and ordered her to get down on all fours naked on the hearth rug. 'Stay there and don't move,' he said then left the room. A minute later the door burst open and he came back in with a big, boisterous, slobbering Great Dane on a leash. He bent down close to the dog, pointed to the call-girl and said, 'That's what you'll look like if you don't eat your Cesar Gourmet Filets!'
This is the dirtiest joke I have ever heard.
A young man falls deeply in love with an attractive young woman. He likes romantic movies, she likes romantic movies. He likes his steak rare, she likes her steak rare. He sleeps late, she's a night owl too. Everything they do together, they enjoy. The lady is quite conventional in bed, never doing anything except straight cock and pussy sex, but she's great at it, so that's ok too.
Only one interest seems to separate them. The young man was brought up in the country, and he's a fanatic for deer hunting. But the young lady is a city type, and doesn't fancy wandering about in the woods and killing Bambi. But, the young man figures he can put up with her lack of interest in that one hobby, since they are perfect matches otherwise, and they get married.
Everything is wine and roses for about six months, but then comes hunting season. The boy begs and pleads with his new bride to come hunting with him, to no avail. He goes alone, or with his friends, but one weekend morning he rises early, goes down to the kitchen, only to find his friends are busy. He doesn't want to go hunting alone, again.
He decides he's had enough. He's the man, after all! Hers is but to obey! He storms up the stairs, strips the covers off his naked young wife, and lays down the law. "Goddammit, either you come hunting with me, give me a blowjob, or let me fuck you up the ass!"
His startled wife is worried by this first sign of aggression in her husband. She's got to calm him down somehow. She can't abide the thought of gutting a murdered deer. And she's heard that anal sex is quite painful! So, she agrees to give the boy a blowjob. Kneeling naked before him, she takes his prick fully into her mouth, only to immediately spit it out and begin to gag.
"That tastes like shit!" she exclaims!
Replies her husband sheepishly, "Yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either."
coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee
coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee
Necromancy is a sin.😈😈😈