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freefall

Being gay and my future

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When I first accepted being gay, I did not give it a lot of thoughts. I just thought that being gay was only one aspect of life which will just fit into the slot.

Too bad those dog days were over.

Now that I see it clearer and clearer everyday, I can see that I have no future as a fully functioning gay man in my birthplace. I can pursue a career and life but not as a gay man as people will stigmatise and dogmatise my life. I will eventually be forced and relent to marrying someone and get stuck in a loveless family.

As much as I love my country, no matter the badness and corruption and homophobia, I need to get out: go to Europe or America for residency, work there, and become a natural citizen. The thought and scenario has been looping continuously in my mind like a stuck movie projector, as vivid as summer haze yet as turbid as a muddy bog and as uncertain as the lottery wheel. I just know that it lies somewhere between a realisable goal and a distant dream, considering my condition (health, family state, and financial state).

Of course there are many things I must take care of before I can attempt that. Not all of them are impossible to tackle though, so I guess the only thing preventing me from trying is myself.

In the end, life is a wheel of fortune, isn't it?
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Comments

  1. zoltanspawn's Avatar
    If you don't move abroad, could you marry a lesbian? Is that sort of thing possible in Indonesia? You might then find a loving relationship, and still enjoy a measure of fulfilling sexual autonomy outside of your marriage.
  2. freefall's Avatar
    Then another loveless marriage, hooray. And it's already difficult enough finding non-sexual homosexual friends when you're out let alone when you're in.
  3. ruivinho's Avatar
    I have no idea of what must be to be in your situation, but I've often wondered what I would do in such a case. Depending on how old you are, could you maybe gather some money to go abroad? There are many gay-friendly places in the world, and to be honest, I think being condemned by discrimination and a false life is a price too high to pay to be closer to other people we love (even if they're our own family). I really hope you are able to go and live somewhere else. All the best