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if there's one thing that's annoying about being in a bad mood.

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it's when i'm in a bad mood and i can't seem to find anything constructive or positive to push that negative energy into. it's like i can make the issue disappear for the moment where i don't feel anything BUT then when it resurfaces, i pretty much have to ride it out because no matter what i do whether it's going to the gym, writing, studying, watching tv, listening to music, saying the lyrics and getting my anger out while i'm saying it and the whole nine, i still have that anger all in me.

i can write about how angry i feel, what i feel like doing, the thoughts of what i feel like doing to whatever as a means of taking out my anger out on someone and etc BUT the feeling doesnt go away. it's annoying.

like i dunno, saying how much i feel like beating up or robbing somebody isn't the same as actually doing it. like i would much rather do it (i've never done anything of that nature before by the way) then to actually talk about it. i would rather take out the pain i have onto somebody else that hasn't done shit to me or better yet someone who i feel deserves it then to be willowing around in my own suffering. but then, i have a conscience where i know i'll feel bad for doing that to somebody. like why hurt somebody because i'm hurt. i don't have the right to do that and i'd be wrong for it. plus, i could end up getting locked up or hurt or killed even by someone defending themselves and they'd be in the right. plus i will be looking over my shoulder, paranoid in fear of the police picking me up if i haven't been caught or retaliation. basically, acting out and expressing myself in that way would be more problematic and as much as i hate it, i'm better off staying angry despite the damage that has been done already and will continue to happen as long as i do so and i have to just learn how to manage my anger and control my emotions. it's always been a struggle BUT i'm trying regardless. it's been the same dilemma.

i've gone to this managing moods group therapy thing and i feel that it's NOT enough or isn't really helping me out. i am also taking meds which one of my homeboys told me off about popping those pills as a means of getting better. i still write in my journal, my internet blog even though not as much, and procrastinate on the things that i need to do. i'm also trying to get back into my video games and etc as a means of trying to divert or escape my feelings.

yesterday or the day before, i talked about confronting the issues that are bothering me. i now realize that some of those issues, i have to just live with because it is out of my hands. i have ocd and most of it was geared around trying to be in control of the things that i had no control over such as other people, outcomes in life, and etc. i basically had no control and felt powerless and it really sparked up my anxiety to a level where i just couldn't deal with it so it drove me a bit nuts where i did what i did for so long. even now, it's hard to stomach that my life is the way it is (it's NOT that bad as i make it out to be or at least that's how i see it) but i guess i just have to deal with it and accept things for what they are. i am who i am. the world is the way it is and i just have to deal with it.

with my emotions, it's the same thing. it's like there's that hope for change even when i push for it, if it doesn't go my way or something goes wrong, i get depressed and give up. i'll get angry, frustrated, hostile and jealous of other people that have it. i just need to take a deep breath, hold no hard feelings, walk away, clear my hand and etc. there's NO need to get angry, hold any grudges, hostilities and have violent thoughts and etc. there's a better way to do things even though at times i don't believe there is. life may not be the way i want it to be and i may not be happy BUT it can still be kick ass if i want it to be. i'll manage. i'm not going to hurt or kill anybody, hurt or kill myself, turn to drugs and alcohol or whatever else in order to deal with life. bad enough, i'm on medication which i had to basically force myself to take. i'll deal. 1