When is Enough truly Enough?
I believe that we all sometimes tell ourselves that we have had enough of something. We sometimes feel as though we have dealt with enough in our lives. We have moments of weakness, or moments of complete despair, or moments where we simply wish we could do what that old adage says - throw in the towel. Simply put, sometimes we have had so much of something that we just want to give up. I know that I have experienced this feeling many times in life. Most recently, I have felt this way regarding my career and my current job.
Things have been getting very difficult at my current company. Not only with my co-workers, but with the job in general. I am dealing with several persons right now at the office whom really do get on my nerves. There is the Senior Staff Accountant who works above me whom drives me absolutely crazy sometimes. I feel as though she hardly ever does her own work - she is constantly asking me questions about how to do things. Please understand that generally I do not mind at all helping her out. The situation is, quite honestly, the exact opposite of that. I generally love to help people out, especially at the office. But I feel like I am helping her with EVERYTHING that she does. And that does get old sometimes. I have a great respect for this person, I truly do. But I strongly dislike the fact that she is making more money than I am when I am pretty much doing her job for her. That part drives me crazy.
And then there is also the fact that I am currently training in a new employee who is an a position below mine (he is an Assistant Accountant, I am a Staff Accountant). Essentially what I am feeling is that I am training to persons in on their jobs, in addition to doing my own job. And the saddest part is that I am still making under $40,000.00 in doing so. I'm hardly able to manage my own rent and other bills, paying for two persons to live off of one salary. Things have been extremely trying for me lately, that's to say the very least. On many occasions, I have felt the urge to go into the President's office and say that I simply am unable to work for the organization anymore. I haven't had the courage to do that, though. Most especially due to the fact that I do not have another job lined up. It would be foolish to leave this job without having some sort of an alternative lined up. Times are just quite hard right now at work, and it's not been easy to work these longer hours. I've been working 50 - 60 hours all year, and it's just seeming to get worse, especially considering I am on a very low salary for what I do.
I am not really certain as to where my relationship stands with my partner at this point. As with many relationships, it is most difficult to gauge something like that. I feel as though we are still at the point of figuring each other out, and still figuring out what we would like from one another. I feel as though we are still pushing each other's buttons, though. Sometimes I wonder if we will really make it through everything that is set before us. Certainly up until this point we have, of course, made it through all of the challenges placed before us. However, I often wonder if we will always be able to do so. When you think about it every argument that you go through as partners gets more difficult, and it raises questions as to why are you arguing in the first place?
For me, an argument is something that makes me question us. Perhaps that's not the appropriate first reaction to the argument, as it does not seem to affect him in the same way that it does affect me. However, at the same time, I do realize that we are two different people, and that we do react to things in different ways. Regardless of how each of us works, I know that I try to analyze each situation as it happens. And when we argue and fuss and fight I tend to think of it objectively, trying to also understand his point of view. I fear, however, that he does not do the same thing. I feel as though sometimes he thinks only of what he has done right, or what I have done wrong in the situation. But that is something that I need to work through myself, I understand that. I am merely writing this here in my blog so as to offer you all (my readers) some understanding of the relationship that I have with my partner.
When it comes down to it, though, I must say that I really do love my partner. Whenever I do think of something bad happening to him, I find myself crying worrying that something might happen to him one day. Whenever I watch a certain type of movie where one person (partner) is experiencing a loss in their life, I often place myself in their situation. And if I had ever lost this person in my life, I honestly wouldn't know what to do. I love them so very much. That is why I have to figure out some sort of way to make things better between the two of us - along with his help as well, so long as he is willing to help as well, for I cannot fix our problems on my own. I need to learn to be a happier person in general, I think. For if I am not able to do that, then how can he be happy, either?