i went down to d.c. yesterday with my mom. i didn't get much sleep first off. two hours of sleep actually. went to bed at 2, woke up at 4:20. it was like i had just closed my eyelids as soon as my mom came into my room and told me that it was time to go.
took a shower, packed up my things, ate some cereal, and whatever. we had to go back home several times because we forgot to bring along certain things such as map directions and my mom's digital camera. we started the trip at 6 something and made it there for 9. that was quick. i actually was the one that drove too as little sleep as i got. i thought that i was going to get into a car accident. had several close calls BUT i didn't crash into anybody and nobody crashed into me. *swipes sweat from eyebrows* everything went as planned.
as the darkness turned into light while we were driving on the highways and byways enjoying the scenery, my mom and me talked about life. she talked about her problems and i talked about mine. i guess i got through to her about the whole gay thing because she said "you put in a lot of thought into the whole thing" when i told her about how long this has been bothering me. then i told her about my father and how she wasn't getting the point that he was THAT fucked up. she also went in on me about how i was running away from responsibility, how i was being too scared, how i was staying in my bedroom too much not enjoying my life, living my life, working and doing what i was supposed to be doing. we heard a lot of bitter truths about ourselves from each other. the mood had got depressing right until 7 o clock where the radio station decided to play some old school rap and r&b jams. it must have been the fruit by the foot that did it but i went into total happy mode which actually kept me awake where i could focus more on my driving.
after driving through delaware, maryland, past baltimore, and then down this highway through maryland, we ended up in dc. i guess i knew this day was going to be a rude awakening for me by how i was ready to spaz on the other drivers on the road or talk about how maryland drivers drive so shitty or whatever. we drove into dc and i went off the highway into east capitol street. we drove past the rfk stadium which pretty much created this circular road. so anyways, i'm ready to drive around this circle where i didn't bother to pay attention to the yield sign. i ALMOST crashed into another driver. then to make matters worse, i went the wrong way. had to turn back around and then go back around the circle to find the street that i missed. here i was ready to catch a tantrum about how other people couldn't drive once again BUT here i was about to kill myself off avoiding a yield sign. i've done it many times before unintentionally BUT this time, i realized that i myself wasn't a good driver. i could have killed myself off as well my mom and the other guy that avoided me.
so we drive into dc and we see the capitol building. my mom and me grew excited like OH SHIT, THE CAPITOL BUILDING FOR REAL!!! we were happy as hell. so we drive around and ask questions about parking to the police officers that were around the capitol building watching. it took us about an hour of driving around and whatever to find a parking space off of maryland avenue. i was hungry as fuck and i needed to pee. we went into the smithsonian native american museum to take a piss, then headed out. all this time, i'm paying close attention to my behavior and how i was acting. i saw my reflecting image on the car to see how i was carrying myself. anyways, i felt like i was carrying myself a bit weird. you know, here i am away from my environment in a place i've never visited before. i always said that things would be better if i was in a new place. WELL, it was time to put the hypothesis to the test. we walked around the capitol building where my mom and me started to take pictures. at the same time, i was paying attention to how the people around me were acting. were they going to look at me funny? were they going to make fun of the way i was looking? the way that i was walking? what were they going to say or react by my presence? well, the answer surprised me. the negative attention that i was expecting NEVER CAME. they weren't even paying attention to me at all. people were just walking about minding their businesses being concerned about themselves.
what really was going on was i was projecting the fears, insecurities and negative things that i saw on myself onto other people hoping that they would point out the shit that i thought bad about myself to confirm how i truly felt about myself. they didn't care about how i walked or how i looked. that was ME that cared about how i walked or how i looked. anyways as time moved on in the day, we went on the capitol tour and then to the library of congress, i was pretty much still waiting for someone to diss me. it still never came. i began to feel like a total idiot because the more i was spending time in dc, the more i was realizing that it was ME that was holding ME back from enjoying a rather pleasant experience.
so we leave the library of congress to go back to the car. we're figuring out where to go next and my mom decides that it's time to go get gas. after all, the tank was getting close to empty. we went to the exxon by the capitol and gas was about 4.67 for regular. my mom had to pay 60 dollars to fill up her tank. that's fucking nuts. i was trying to get my computer to get internet service since my mom's cell phone gps feature wasn't able to work since she didn't fix the whole wifi on her cell. anyways, we drove around looking for the white house and we eventually found it. i figured that the white house had to be somewhere around the washington monument after seeing it on tv so many times. anyways, while we were driving around in circles looking for the damn place. i paid attention to the many characters in dc that were walking around the place and whatever. dc is a yuppie city. it's very upscale. it next new york city look like a working class town or buffalo. shit was crazy. but once again, it was my insecurity of myself once again. what made me think that i had no business being in the place with all those other people i saw walking the sidewalks, minding their business, being happy with themselves and living their lives. once again, my self loathing was showing itself through my criticism of other people.