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there's times when i'm really in a bad mood or am feeling like shit. these are one of these times.

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you know... i've been trying to remain positive. trying to be cool. i looked back at my life 10 years ago and there were positive and negative things that were going on in my life. one thing that i noticed that has NEVER changed from the time i was 15/16 to now 25 almost 26 is more anger and my emotions. i feel about as angry as i was 10 years ago. i'm still surrounded by the same braindead fucks who can't catch a clue to save their lives. they just know how to do whatever they do and be a fucking annoyance to me such as my father. you know, him and me were never close. him and me were always distance. he never really seemed interested in my life only telling me what the fuck i should do. we don't talk about shit. we never did talk about shit. he's ready to tell me to go outside when i'm writing my shit and i don't feel like doing whatever the fuck he wants me to do. his ass was sick acting all helpless about a week ago, let his ass do the same shit he was doing. i don't feel like being my father's fucking puppet where he only uses me for whenever he feels is convienent so whatever.

i really am not all that interested in faking my feelings or rather just acting like everything's okay when everything isn't right now. i feel like crying but i won't. i'll just pretend for the moment while i work with my father because i don't want him to say shit to me. it's not like he's interested anyway.

as for my mom, of course, she wants me to get a job even if it's the same old bullshit. she doesn't want me at home. then again, we talk, we hear about her little issues with her job, about how everyone is driving her crazy, upsetting her, my father who she chose to stay with all these years and whatever the fuck. i hear the same shit. whenever i have something to say, she's not interested in listening. she never was. i'm just talking just to talk. whatever issues i have, she doesn't give a fuck so why should i even bother dealing with her and her shit. she's telling me to get a job, do this, do that, be happy and whatever the fuck basically telling me to do what she did where she's acting basically got herself in the position where she's in where she's trapped.

i really don't feel like listening or dealing with people who seem to into themselves, basically treating me like i'm some fucking dog or something where they feed me a bone and expect me to smile like "hey, i love my life". like i can't say anything. i can't say that i'm hurt. i can't say whatever i feel towards them without them telling me to shut the fuck up. hell, the only reason why i even got on the internet in the first place was because i needed someone to express whatever was hurting me or my emotions that were really troubling me where i couldn't express them properly and felt that acting out through violence was the way where i could get it out. then i can't do that without that shit coming back to get me out all.

i know i have to go out and do my thing. when i do get that job and am able to go out on my own, the way i feel right now, i do not even feel like going back and saying hi to my parents. my mom is not a bad parent. i love her BUT at the same time, i feel like i need my space away from them because i'm upset. i'm upset with everything. i feel that the best thing for me is to stay the hell away from them, take a breather and then come back to them when i feel better.

i also don't feel like dealing with any other people because i don't think other people understand where i'm coming from and i'm sick of people misunderstanding me or saying the same shit. i would rather not hear what anybody has to say. it's that i'm tired. i would rather be alone by myself, chilling, away from everyone, and not being bothered. i don't want to worry abotu what the next person thinks of me. i don't want to worry about someone asking me "why you look mad?" what's bothering you? knowing that they're going to basically think i'm crazy or prejudge me or say bad things about me or tell me some other shit that isn't even going to work for me. it's whatever.

i also don't plan on going to any fucking shrinks either. no time soon. unless i really lose my mind, i'm not going. i don't plan on being on medication. i don't want to be explaining myself, how i feel or whatever to some braindead motherfucker that's not even listening to me. the last shrink i went to was the final straw in that. he wasn't listening. in fact, he had the nerve to say that i enjoyed feeling like this. like who the fuck wakes up to be mad at life and the world. what type of dumbass statement is that? i come to your office in order for me to help myself. what a waste of time. dude could kiss my ass. thanks for nothing.

i also don't feel like dating anybody, having sex, or whatever the hell else. you know, maybe some months ago but not now. i don't feel like being someone's love toy or boy toy or whatever. i'm also sick of people using me for whatever fucking thrill they want. like i'm not fucking you so you can have a good time or because you need somebody to love because the guy you wanted rejected you or because you're desperate. my asshole is NOT open to be used as a toy, nor is my mouth, and neither is my feelings. you can always use your hand. being alone doesn't bother me at all. i've been single for the last 25 years and my dick hasn't fallen off or anything like that. i'm fine. i can always learn the tools of the trade. so you're alone on being romantic or whatever the fuck. have fun.

you know, i wish i had a dog because i've been watching a lot of videos of dogs recently where they pretty much are alone. i can relate to them in the emotional sense. they just need someone around for them to watch their back and they'll do the same thing. with people, you can't trust them. you do things for them, you reach out to them, you try to explain yourself and the whole nine and it seems like everybody in some shape or way is out to take something from you. whether it's your virginity, your happiness, your sense of freedom, your confidence and whatever. everybody wants something but when you need someone to give you something back for what you give them, then you watch how many people are on your side. your own family, your homies, and etc. and then these same people want you to talk and claiming that they want to help you when you're down and when you tell them what's up, they basically tell you to shut the fuck up, smile and everything will work itself out. i've been down the same road since 1998. it's been shut up and smile about it. well, as you can see through this shit, apparently, my patience has been wearing off. i'm slowly starting to say fuck you out loud to everybody even to people that have nothing to do with this because i'm tired. i'm exhausted. i no longer feel that i should basically cater to those around me which aren't even concenred about my well being. i give a fuck about my well being though which is why i'm isolating myself from them. i no longer feel like hearing them and them telling me how i should carry myself, what i should do and etc. FUCK THEM. leave me the hell alone and i'll get back at you when i feel like it.
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