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feeling lazy right now continued..

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but as of right now, i'm not ready to enter the dating realm. i would LOVE to, don't get me wrong. i don't know about having sex but i wouldn't mind dating whoever if things were right where someone would understand the situation i am in right now in my life BUT i feel that i'm not ready for such. some members ask me when i'm going to cut the shit and come out or when i'm going to let someone else play with my dick since i jerk off all the time and etc. they have a point. i'm 25 years old turning 26 in a month. i never had any relations with anybody. i haven't kissed anybody, haven't had sex with anybody, never been in a relationship period. i feel weird whenever i hear conversations with others talking about sex, dating and whatever especially people who are younger than me. the only exception to that would be me at 8 or 9 trying to kiss my female "cousin" on the lips just to practice but that doesn't count. we were kids and i didn't have a single idea wtf i was doing. i was copying off what i saw on tv. i try not to talk about that shit because i have nothing to talk about etc things i've heard other people say and have no experience to share with anybody about that. i feel weird and like an outcast almost. oh well. being a virgin with no dating experience doesn't suck that bad. it doesn't suck at all but you know, when people around you are talking about it all the time. you start to wonder if there's something wrong with you. almost like how i feel being around straight people being gay. here they are checking out women in the gym and i'm looking at guys. you know, guys in the gym don't take too kindly to gay guys period. you know, you're in a room with guys with a macho mentality that workout to get attention from the opposite sex. a gay guy represents the opposite of that so if a gay guy is in that room working out, he pretty much kills the point of the gym. but i can't lie, i used to get really bothered with the gym because i was really uncomfortable working around a bunch of guys with tanktops, showing off their muscles, were really attractive and etc because the real me would come out. i remember working out at my college guy and checking out the guys and shit. oh man... my internalized conflict would just come out and fuck me over for real. nowadays, i'm able to toss it to the back since i now acknowledge it and i also feel comfortable working out around other people. but back to what i was saying, i'm not ready to date but when i do, i just want to be with someone who is willing to understand me and of course, i'm willing to do the same thing for them. you know, i don't want to be put into a situation where i'm rushing into something like this one guy tried to do to me on okcupid. he really was pushing me into something that i didn't want. i was just trying to make a gay friend or two and he was trying to get into a serious relationship. he had some previously bad relationship with guys and he was a deaf mute too. i wasn't willing to put myself in that situation. i also was being picky at the time too. wasn't really all that attracted to him and he was on the obese side. not that i have a problem with obese guys but to me, he was a bit unbearable. messaging me every minute, asking to see what i was doing, calling me sweetie and etc. we're not dating so why the fuck are you calling me sweetie for? he was out of state too all the way up in rochester, new york so wtf was he thinking?

but yeah, my time will come and when it does, it does. hope everybody is doing well today and etc. 1
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