feeling very uncomfortable being gay still (this blog entry is from three weeks ago. decided to publish it now)
while these stupid ass commercials play and i still apply and apply and apply and apply and apply for more jobs, i start to think about my past, present and future regarding my sexuality.
you know, there's a thing on the forum where certain members who are openly gay have an issue about me being closeted. don't know why is it, it's not like my closet status is fucking with their lives or whatever. it's similar to how being gay doesn't affect any homophobes lives outthere so it makes no sense to hear them huffing and puffing talking about ban gay marriage and hating gay people for whatever reason. but you know as i've said many times over the course of time on here, i'm closeted for many reasons. aside from being scared to come out to those around me such as family and friends, i'm still trying to accept my sexuality. you know, all of this wasn't an issue until i was 12. i think i had an idea of what homosexuality is when i was young even though i didn't know the exact term. i had crushes on guys, would masturbate to images of guys that turned me on as well as women but i was mostly turned onto guys when i was young. i knew as a kid that as a boy, i HAD to like girls because that's what boys did. watching tv shows, seeing boys and girls get romantic, holding hands, kissing, falling in love, after awhile, that's what i thought was what i should be doing. it's not something that naturally came to me which was like, "look @ her. she's cute". what did come naturally to me was my affection for guys of the same sex. i didn't learn that from tv or seeing other people do it. it just happened. same as how i acted extremely effeminate where i would be holding my hand limpwrist, putting my hands on my hips and etc. it just came naturally to me. it didn't bother me at all, i didn't give a fuck but as for other people around me, they picked up on it and they would let me know what they thought. my neighbor back in the day who was the same girl who spat in my face while my brother held me down (in the last journal entry, i mentioned this) called me a faggot. (this happened back when we were like 6 or 7. we were young.) i remember going to the eye doctor when i was 8 or 9 down in irvington center right by the bus depot and the lady that worked there wanted me to get the color black or blue or something like that. i don't remember exactly what happened but what i do remember was that she implied that the color i picked was a "girly" color and that black or whatever else was a color for "boys". for some reason, i felt offended when she said that. then my only friend that i had in school in the 4th grade asked me if i was gay one time randomly and i said no. i didn't know what gay meant but i would soon later find out on my own.
i didn't realize i was by definition gay back then and when i did, it hit me hard. the moment i realized it during a moment where i was masturbating to some ad in a video game magazine with some muscular guys in speedos, i immediately was in shocked and felt ashamed. my heart skipped a beat and i was like "oh shit, i'm gay." even then, it was tough to swallow because i knew that being gay was NOT cool. it was the worst thing that you could be. nobody would respect you. you were viewed as less than a man by other people and just knowing that, i made a vow to myself that i would kill that part of me. in doing so, i went on an all out crusade in doing so. i spent 12 years of just trying to make myself straight. i would refuse to listen to certain music, i basically practiced on acting masculine where i literally started watching how i talked, the way i moved my hands, my actions and when i started acting like a thug, it pretty much gave me something where i could hide it. in high school, it haunted me especially in the 10th grade when my music teacher was gay. he never said it but he had the g clef with the rainbows in the background. i found myself getting scared as fuck and i also had a crush on one of my fellow classmates. he was cute, had braces and i liked the way he walked. haha. i also was being sexually harassed by this other guy that i befriended in my 10th grade physics class. i remember him for how bad his breath stunk but he was an asshole. he would constantly hit on....
you know, i was going to continue writing on this shit BUT a whole entire FUCKING thought walked on up out of what i was saying because this shit doesn't say what the fuck i was writing. IT'S ANNOYING. VERY FUCKING ANNOYING FOR REAL. for some reason, this window closed and i lost about a good paragraph explaining my situation.
but i'll TRY to.. no what, fuck that. i'm not going to repeat myself. it just irks me how i was trying to make the point of how my sexuality was really fucking with me for 12 years and how i was trying to make myself straight and did things to validate it for me despite me knowing that i wasn't that. that's something that went away and DAYUM.... for real.. that's something that was heartfelt that i wanted to put outthere that will NEVER EVER come back to me.
but i'll try to remember what i was saying. i spent a long time trying to make myself straight convincing myself that being gay was wrong. you know, now that i realized that i'm not straight and that i'm gay. it's a bitter pill for me to swallow. i created a whole entire life out of a lie but here's the thing about it that makes it hard, i was a kid back when i started. i had no idea that what i did back then would come to haunt me now. it's not easy to simply turn back the hands of time and take back everything. when you try your hardest to be something that you're not, believe the lie that you told yourself to an extend, put in a whole lot of time trying to be something you're not, and etc, it becomes a life of it's own. you know, the people around you start to believe it. the people that you've met while you were doing this to yourself only know the person that they met and not the person that had that prior issues. for family, they see you growing up as this person and they forgot about the whole past or whatever. they may have asked questions about your sexuality but you pretty much negated it over time by talking to them about certain things even if you weren't geniune about what you said.
but dayum, now that i know that i'm gay and that i will never be straight or even bisexual, it's like i know that the moment i decided to kill the idea of being straight. i will eventually have to let myself go in which i've been waiting to do so subconciously. i knew that if i decided to live in new york city or somewhere like that even if i didn't decide to deal with my sexuality like how i did last year, i would eventually come across it because it's one of those things that haunted me forever. you know, even when i hide the whole issue with my sexuality, it would appear in different aspects of my life when i didn't want it to. now i know that sooner or later, it's going to come back again and who knows, i might end up having a boyfriend or have sex without even wanting or looking for it. you know but it's like i'm not comfortable with myself for wanting that. i've spent a long time thinking that being gay was wrong and i believe it in a sense. you know, like just thinking about last night where i had a thought about what if a certain JustUsBoys member, won't say any names, was pushing up on me on some "i like you a lot and i want to fuck you or we should date", i felt uncomfortable with that. not because of him because i would but the whole idea of me being gay and having to live as a gay man. the idea that i'm gay and i won't have kids, i won't be able to have the conventional family, the idea that i'll never longer be a part of the same group that i wanted to be apart of (the straight community) and all that. it hurts like hell because that's what i wanted to be, a straight guy. i felt that that's what being a man was about and that's what i learned.
and then thinking back at all the times where i was found out by other gay guys who just knew i was gay knowing that i was hiding it like hell just bothers me as well. it's like i feel like i wasted my time towards a lost cause and i fucked myself over by believing that homosexuality was wrong. i just should have let things be because that's who i was. there's nothing wrong with being gay so why do i feel that being gay is wrong? like i don't think i should even waste my time getting with anybody for that matter if i cannot accept myself. i feel that everything is going okay in my life except for that one issue, self acceptance because it's ruining my life.
i feel as if there's a wall that's put up that's keeping me from being free to be me. you know..... with that said, i'm off to the bank before it closes.
i want to come out the closet but i don't even feel comfortable with myself to do so. like how am i going to come out when i'm not proud of myself. MAN...