sometimes, i can be very loving towards people and then......
there's times when i hate everybody and everything such as right now. you know, i'm angry right now. i wasn't feeling too good since friday when i found out that i failed my police exam. i was good on that thursday and the rest of the week because i was sure that i passed it. i thought that i was on my way to moving out of this house and living on my own but instead, i get this phone call telling me that i failed. i was HEATED. i tried my best to keep myself in check and to play it off like it wasn't a thing but the fact remains that i feel like i FUCKING failed at something again. it's like the negatives outweigh the fucking positives. it's like i have a college degree but i still work at a minimum wage job. it's like i have my own license but i don't have a car of my own.
then at work yesterday where i have to deal with the same old thing, get yelled at by my boss and the same old shit. i constantly have to tell myself to take this shit, you know, pretend that everything is okay and once again, when i feel like snapping and just saying fuck it and going off on everybody and making other people feel how i feel, i have someone telling me that everything is okay when it's NOT. you know, i really can't take this shit anymore and NO, i don't feel like hearing anybody tell me everything's okay when it's NOT. everything is NOT okay. it seems like the only way that i feel is the right way of taking out my anger is hurting somebody emotionally, physically or mentally or just simply doing whatever i feel like doing such as driving far as fuck from everybody around me and basically not dealing with people period. you can call it isolating myself and basically ignoring everyone. not saying a single word to anybody and not caring to see another human being. i don't feel like smiling or trying to hold back my feelings because i do a lot of that shit. if i said what was on my mind right now or did what i wanted to do, i know that i would piss or upset a lot of people or i would end up getting locked up for some serious felonies. that's how i feel.
i can just feel the sweat pores and my hands sweating because honestly, i'm upset and i really feel ANNOYED to the point where i just am pissed. man..... i'm just going to eat, go to sleep, not even going to jerk off. i don't want to talk to anybody and i want everybody to leave me the fuck alone.