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before i catch some ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZ's, counting sheep, dance with the cousin of death or whatever the fuck....

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same old shit, different day and i'm still alive even though i'm tired as fuck. you know, it's the eve before my police exam (the written one) and yes, i am nervous as fuck, very anxiety ridden. you know, a moment for my midget black ass to get some independence and make some real money.

you know, to think that my crazy ass, almost lost my mind almost two months ago where i was zoning out about to just say fuck it. i've found myself again.

i would jerk off (thinking about busting a nut to tom faulk playing with himself) but i'm way too tired to and my eyes are hurting like hell. i haven't been writing in my journal blog (the other one) like that where i''ve been able to express myself in it's entirty. think i spelled that right but if i didn't, i don't care.

even though i think talking about my out status or whatever is boring and repetitive because there's been no progress in terms of coming out to someone else i've never announced that i was gay to. i feel complete solace in not currently putting myself outthere like that as in going on online dating sites talking to other guys. i had no business doing that shit because i wasn't and still am not comfortable with myself in terms of my sexuality. in fact, i had a dream last night i think about being uncomfortable with my sexuality. i know one part of the dream was basically me thinking that i had a homework assignment that needed to be done on tuesday that i haven't got myself around to doing even though i am long done with school momentarily. i had to do a report on this book which the front cover and yellow and black and the title of it went like "i am not........" forgot what it was exactly but it was a four word sentence. another part of the dream basically was me telling myself that i needed to masturbate to women because i wasn't gay. i was like wow. i really am not there with accepting myself even as much as i think i've done so.

i am still a closeted individual even though i've already come out to myself. i know who i am even though a part of me fights it still. like i hold myself back from fully coming out even though i know that i'm playing on borrowed time. pretty soon the time is going to run out on me and i'm losing places to hide.

with that said, i don't think i'm going to look for a guy anytime soon especially here i feel right now. i'll open myself up to the possibility but for now, i'm learning how to manage being gay and how to come out. i don't think i need to go to a support group for that. maybe talk with other gay people about it but i don't think i'm going to basically push it out of me when i'm not ready to do so. maybe when i was younger but now, i want to just take things slow. i think there's a lot more on my plate at this moment to worry about being gay, finding a boyfriend or whatever. i can live with right now and i think i'm doing fine.
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