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impatiently waiting to get out the closet.

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i'm starting to really see my life for what it is and what it is NOT

within a year, i killed the smoke screen and got tired of running from life.

it's really beginning to dawn on to me that i am getting older. i can feel it. i feel like i'm 25 or much older than 25 years old. in 2006-2007, i felt much different than i do now. i'm starting to realize the same things i enjoyed or could have got away then, i can't get away with now. maybe i could have made excuses to why i couldn't get laid with a woman or why i couldn't find a woman to date me. i found plenty of reasons to make excuses for not questioning my sexuality, being in denial and etc. i could hide but now, i'm losing places to hide.

i'm really starting to look at the options i have and i'm really getting tired of having to hear my homie and my brother saying comments such as "what do you think about the gay agenda being push?", "you heard there's a gay comic book character.", "that is so gay", "chris bosh is gay", and all this homophobic shit. i'm tired of having to be afraid of getting caught on this website, being caught jerking off to men or gay porn, having to hide my smile whenever i see something on tv celebrating victories towards gay rights or whatever. i'm so fucking tired of it. they don't know that i'm gay but man, it's very annoying to hear that shit. like damn, there's NOTHING wrong with being gay.

i also had the most uncomfortable experience going around the mall, seeing hot guy after hot guy walking past me, at the store, or whatever and me being scared to look while i was walking with my brother and my homie. then my homie telling me "you're supposed to be checking out girl's asses and shit". no, man. man, i saw way too many hot guys at the fucking mall. i was trying to repress things too like i saw them but i didn't pay them too much attention to blow my cover. i wanted to be like well, not quite like that but to go like but instead i ended up having t give myself the and basically found myself in the position where i had to play "straight". that shit is annoying as fuck. like i'm putting on a show for who now? i don't give a fuck about dating or looking at women like that. i want to check out guys because that's what i like. before we went to the mall, i saw a buff ass gym outside the gym strolling down the main ave in my town talking to some older women. i wanted to stare him down because his body was but it's fucking hard to do that with my brother in the driver's seat and my homie in the back. WTF? i can't be gay in peace. i feel like i have to get the fuck out of here or away from this. it's NOT healthy and it's way too repressive for me. i want to be able to be myself fully without having to worry about shit.

i never realized how bad things really are where i've been so far closeted to the point where i tried to be straight and how homophobic people around me are. i have coworkers that are homophobic, i have family that is homophobic, and you know what... it hurts for me to already to go through this shit. there's nothing wrong with being gay but it seems like the influences around me is killing me because i have nowhere to experience it other than here, some other websites and whichever lgbt center or person i could lean on. with less hiding spaces to hide who i really am, i feel like i'm facing a serious asswhipping or backlash because i'm surrounded by homophobes and i have where to seek fucking refuge. hint, hint, that's why i call myself refugee underground. i came up with the name randomly and to be silly but the name actually makes sense now looking at my situation. i'm a closeted gay guy that is impatiently waiting to come out but in need of refuge because i don't feel strong enough to open the closet door and i'm afraid that when i do come out, i will not be strong enough to take the disappoval or the hate that will come along with it. you know, as much as i've heard people say that people tend to overdramatize or overexaggerate how people's reactions are when they come out, it's like this... if they're saying these things since way back and now, just imagine what the fuck will happen if someone they know comes out?

i honestly feel that the people around me are that ignorant enough to cut me off so to speak if i were to come out to them. being gay is not okay to them and i hear it weekly and daily even sometimes. dayum..... i just want to be able to be free.

and you know, i would like to just start living my life, i would come out to everyone right now just to get it all over and done with BUT sheit, i have to go about it another way.

I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT! i cannot wait to get my own place, another job and be able to burn my bridges when i tell those around me i'm gay. just watch the people that i think care about me suddenly start to leave me alone as if i did something wrong. it's coming. i expect my homeboy to do it. i expect my brother to act strange. i expect my parents to be greatly disappointed with me especially my father. i expect my coworkers to not know me anymore. i expect like maybe 2 people out of let's say 50 people to not trip over that shit. it's fucked up.

i just want this whole entire waiting saga to end. THIS IS TAKING FOREVER. FOREVER FOR ME TO FIND A CAREER JOB. FOREVER FOR ME TO MOVE OUT OF HERE. FOREVER FOR ME TO COME OUT THE CLOSET. i want to be able to come out so i can be able to feel more comfortable with myself enough to hook up with guys, go to gay bars and whatever without feeling like i'm hiding in secrecy. like i'm ashamed of who i am. i don't want to be scared to go to such and such site because i'm scared of being caught by so and so. i want to be able to be comfortable with myself where i can go to gay bars and be able to tell folks that i came out already and to bring guys home, have relationships and just be openly gay in peace without giving a F-U-C-K. everything else doesn't really matter. i don't care about superficiality in the gay community, gay guys being picky and the whole nine. i'm confident that i'll find somebody that i'm compatible with. i KNOW it's not that hard as long as you put yourself outthere, someone will notice. even when i was deeply in the closet in denial, there were other guys that noticed. i probably could have hooked up with a guy if i had put myself on the market BUT guess what.... things don't happen if you don't want them to. i'm pretty much missing out on plenty of action and etc being in the FUCKING closet. the body count on my dick would probably have been up there BUT FUCK, I'M STILL IN THE FUCKING CLOSET.

dayum, sometimes, i wish that someone just outed me already and that the worst of this shit is over and done with so i can be gay as i want to be. i feel like i'm missing out.
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