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time really does go by fast. part 1

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it's been a year (the 18th) since i graduated from college and i still haven't found a job yet. however, i am in the process of applying for the police department of my town as well as the state troopers that counts as something.

around this time last year, my brother was in my room playing mortal kombat that he got using the gift card that he got on his birthday. i had just finished taking my final exam for the last class i needed to graduate. i was also looking on craigslist to find a weed dealer either in new jersey or new york. turns out i had to go all the way to the bronx to get that shit. i had registered to this other forum about marijuana and stoners that enjoyed to smoke, trying to look for something to do with my time since i was pretty much celebrating my, then, new found freedom.

you know, my mind was in a state of upheaval. you know, i went to college for about 7 years getting my bachelors and associates within that time. i was in school since i was 3, i think so from 3 to 24, school was my life. work to me was something that was recent to me. i had been job hunting since i was 16 years old, taking the bus to go to livingston mall and these employers wouldn't hire me. i don't know what it was. they refused to hire me so to me, being rejected for jobs is nothing new. in fact, it's quite annoying how for the past 10 fucking years, i've been denied more jobs than been offer jobs even with three degrees.

but looking back at what i was doing back then. i was afraid. afraid of leaving school to go to work. afraid to go out on my own as in move out of my parents' house and start a life of my own. i was also afraid to deal with the issues that were bothering me and eating me up. the biggest issue being my sexual orientation.

you know, i wasn't feeling too good about myself last summer. besides the anxiety of going out in the world to make a living for myself with a career job and possibly going back to school to persue another degree, i'm still interested in going to law school despite the economy not being too nice to recent law student grads right now. i was feeling bad about myself. i had an intense crush on another guy at the time and at the same time, i was in deep denial at the time that it was what it was. here i was, i didn't want to say to myself that i was gay because i had a crush on anoter guy or looking back at my past behaviors where i used to masturbate to guys, the past crushes i had on guys. it scared the daylights out of me. i remember at 12 when it all started to make sense to me where i got all scared to the point where i was like "holy shit, i'm gay." i proceeded to fight my homosexuality and try to force myself to be a straight guy. i felt at that point that i was running from something that was eventually going to catch up to me sooner or later. i could hide, run, deny and do the same thing but i guess i didn't do a good job because my feelings were still there. i just chose to ignore it. also, i noticed that some other gay guys kind of caught on to my insecurity with myself and my sexuality so they kind of targeted me as in "i know you're gay so let me help you find yourself. i started to get really uncomfortable around gay guys. i think it went to it's peak last year though. i knew that it was only going to be a matter of time before i was going to either acknowledge that i was gay or someone was going to do it for me.

you know, but then again, at this time last year, the above paragraph was just a thought. i brushed it off as just me being imaginative or having too much time on your hands. i continued to think to myself that i wasn't gay. i went back to jerking off to women even though i wasn't too thrilled with them in a romantic sense, i went back to my life doing and worrying about the same things, wondering what was going to happen next.

but back to what i said earlier about the weed dealer in the bronx. i went to the bx to buy a quarter ounce and a whole ounce which altogether cost me 500 dollars total. i went into new york on the bus one time and on the train the next time with my bookbag, some books and a chess set lying to my mom about going to new york to walk around and think about life. what i was really doing was going to new york to buy drugs. i would take the 107 bus to the port authority, head uptown on a and the d and then go meet up dude to get that green. i also went to some headshops to buy a grinder, blunt papers and a pipe to get my weed smoker on. the weed that dude sold me didn't get me high like i was expecting to be high. i've been high before prior to that last time being back in the summer of 2008 with one of my homies where him and me smoked some sour diesel that i got from a guy i met, too, from craigslist. so after i found out the weed wasn't good, i searched for another dealer that i was able to find locally and the weed he gave me was much better than the one the other dude gave me.

the weed the other guy gave me was bubba kush. it smelled like weed but it kinda had a sweet smell to it. well, one night where i had work the next day, i decided to try out my product. my brother went out with his friend to go to the club. i went to the backyard to try out my pipe that i never used before that i got from this headshop off route 22. i started smoking right behind this tree in my backyard right next to the garage where i had my left hand on the pipe with the weed in it and my right hand on the lighter, flicking it up and on until the light came on. so i'm dragging all these big pulls and before i know it, my body gets cold, i start to lose a sense of reality, where i'm at and etc and i'm gone. i went back inside and i just turned stupid. i put the pipe away in this bag i had wrapped inside other bags, went to take a shower where i was spinning around in circles. i completely loss touch who i was and i started to remember to think that i was "everett" which was the name i thought i went by in toronto when i had a worse experience with marijuana when i smoked a whole blunt all by myself in the hot box cafe.

so after all that, i decided to eat the food my mom told me buy from dave bbq and ribs or whatever that place is called and i went to the computer to hear coldplay's new single. this was on june 4th i believe because june 3rd was when the coldplay song first came out. so things got really weird from there. when i was heading back and forth to and from the kitchen back to the den as we call it where the home computer is at, i hallucinated that i saw my brother, my homie and my crush on the couch all waying to me saying "hi". i was like holy shit. i went back to the computer and then i played the coldplay "every teardrop is a waterfall" and started singing out loud while i was eating my food. i then started to look at the words coldplay and for some reason, i was thinking really hard about the word coldplay. i was looking at it as two words instead of one. "COLD PLAY??? COLD PLAY??? WTF DOES THAT MEAN? I FEEL COLD SAYING COLD PLAY" then for some reason, i started talking to my computer and started talking about my crush and how i wanted to make out with him and stuff. so i ended up making out with the air thinking that i was making out with him. like an idiot. geez. so after that whole disaster, i turned off the computer, went upstairs (surprisingly, i didn't make a mess or drop any of that saucy food on my shirt while i was high off my ass)

yo... back then i took it to my bedroom where i started to really speak my mind and unrevel the feelings that i kept bottled up. i decided to lay face down on the bed and started to make out with my bed i believe thinking it was my crush. i then remember clinching my asscheeks on some spread em for me type shit saying "please fuck me in the ass" thinking i was talking to my crush when i was just talking to myself. weed really doesn't work for me, man. luckily enough, nobody was around and i texted my brother saying that i was high off my a-s-s while he was out with his friend. so i fell asleep and then what do you know, my father had just came home and was upstairs changing his clothes. i got lucky that night. i smoked weed some days later and needless to say, i had a bad experience with that too and i almost threw my ipod out on the garden state parkway/new york thurway. luckily, my brother snatched it out my hand before i could get the chance. i can't smoke weed.

but i remember that right after the high wore off that night and the days afterwards where i felt guilty and ashamed. i was trying to convince myself that what happened didn't happen and i didn't do and say the things that i said. hell, i was paranoid that i sent an email to the person that i had a crush on because i was really tempted to do that shit while i was high listening to coldplay. i was REALLY itching to do it. thankfully, i didn't. he would have probably called the cops on me for stalking him. (for the record, i never stalked him to begin with. i had a crush on him but i never told him and as far as i'm concern, he's never going to know. ) but hahaha.... i guess that's what happens when you're in the closet. things happen and you go in such a deep denial that the repressive thoughts make themselves appear in your dreams or when you're not in your right state of mind. i knew that this wasn't going to go away and i felt really uncomfortable with what probably might happen if i continued to live my life this way. so that summer, i slowly started to let go and bring myself to the point where i was going to question my sexuality.
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