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refujiunderground

haven't said shit in awhile but i have something on my mind

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you know, for the past month or few weeks or so i've been really thinking.

i've looked in the mirror, i've really been paying attention to myself, assessing myself and the whole nine and i'm still the same person i was before i had the balls to question my sexuality and ask people for opinions regarding it. i still think i'm ugly, my self esteem isn't high at all, i still am the angry, hateful, huge critic guy that i was a year ago. i'm a truth seeker that has a bit of a hard time stomaching reality whether it's myself or the ways of the world and in doing that, it makes me into the person i am today where i say fucked up things, minimize tragedies and etc in doing with reality.

but you know, in looking about myself and who i am. i've taken some time to look at the gay side of myself just like i've done with the gender of who i am, my skin color, my background, my family and etc and here's what i've noticed.

i'm really starting to see that the gay community is filled with as much if not more fucked up things than the straight community and etc. you know, in accepting myself, i have to learn how to deal with my counterparts, you know. i'm really trying to find commonground but here's one thing that i've learned straight up.

JUST BECAUSE ME AND JOE BLOW ARE GAY DOESN'T TAKE AWAY THE FACT THAT WE'RE STILL HUMAN BEINGS.

with that said, i'm learning that many of my gay counterparts are about as fucked up or if not more fucked up than the people that they claim are ignorant and etc. what i'm realizing is that they're about as ignorant and that they're using their sexuality as a pass behind that shit. i try to keep it real, i try to be it 100 percent honest but as much as my fellow gay guys try to use the whole "i'm gay and look at my gayness before you see me as a white guy, a black guy, a man, a woman hater, a racist, and etc", you can see what they're about off the bat. like who are you fooling? i see what you're about.

in all honesty, i feel that most of these dudes can't keep it real. THEY JUST CAN'T KEEP IT REAL.

when i went on okcupid, i felt like that. i'm messaging a bunch of guys just saying hello and most of them couldn't respond to me back giving the cold shoulder on some bullshit. i don't know what it was because i made two profiles. one with me hiding my face and another one with me showing my identity. i get the same bullshit.

now, you know.... you have these guys claiming and let me just be blunt, lying to themselves about how they're not superficial, how they're open minded, how they're real, how they're this, a nice person, they're not shitty or whatever BUT real talk, that to me just spoke volumes. a lot of these dudes are phony as fuck. they're fake. they think that because they're gay that they can do that whole actor shit and that people such as myself won't catch on to them. hell naw, i hate that shit. and the funny thing is.. i bet you if it was a gay club or something, these dudes would be all looking at me with the whole face on some "i'm interested in you talking to me" simply because they want a guy to go home with to fuck. well, you're giving me the cold shoulder when i said hi to you on the web because you think i'm ugly and you don't want to get to know me as a person just to see if i could be a friend. hell, i wouldn't mind if dudes would just say hello to me back and that they're not interested in just saying something or whatever. matter of fact, to be real with you, i want a dude that i can actually talk to first to begin with without even going into sex or whatever. a friend, what have you. dudes can't even DO that. there's always the whole "i'm gay, you're gay, let's talk but unless we're going to hook up, we can't be friends". like i don't want a mute where i have to figure out what's on his mind or whatever to begin with. you know, i want a real ass dude that i can talk to as a friend first before i even catch feelings for him or even fuck him. you know, if i like him already, then that'll speed things up but a lot of these dudes have to expose themselves for the superficial, lying ass bitchmade dudes that they are and then when you call them out on it, they think YOU have the problem. these guys couldn't even at least talk or say something to at least let me know that they're actual people first. they just reduce themselves into guys that are only interested in fucking, loving, looking for a boyfriend or whatever. my thing is how the hell do you even know if someone is boyfriend material if you don't even bother to talk with them or know about them first? you look at their face and you automatically assume that that guy is a match? i don't have time to deal with bitchmade motherfuckers on that bullshit. if i can't even talk to you or formulate a simple conversation with you, it's just not going to work. no one night stand, no relationship, no NOTHING. i'm not a guy that is going to fuck you after seeing you in 5 seconds. that's not my style at all. you may look cute or what have you, but i masturbate to guys that look as good or better looking than you so don't think that i'm one of those guys that's going to settle for fucking you. i would rather talk to you as a person first excluding sex, anything relationship or love wise and etc before we go there.

i know what's wrong with me. why can't you see what's wrong with you?

and quit acting like you're all perfect and shit. i find it funny that you basically have to kiss these dudes asses and the whole nine yet when you talk to them, they're either looking at you as a sex object where they want you on their dick or they're acting like they're better than you. we're men. treat me like i'm yourself, my dude. i don't ask for anything besides talking.

you know... but just putting it outthere. i'm me first. i'm everything else second. just because i like dick doesn't mean that i'm going to make that the biggest highlight about me. it's just a part of who i am. i let you know who i am. why is it so hard for most of these gay guys to do the same thing? i don't give a fuck if you suck dick or if you have a boyfriend or you been out since you were 12. just be you. i'm tired of having to deal with all these dudes strictly looking for dick and revolving being gay around their whole entire lives. like who gives a fuck. maybe because i have mostly guy friends where i'm used to talking to guys as friends and not as lovers.

but that whole thing on adam4adam and okcupid really bothered me. dudes really are that fucked up and i bet you majority of those guys are crying about how come they can't find somebody to get into a relationship or settle down with. that's because you think too much with your dick, bitch. quit looking at other dude's as sex objects and look at them as people first. you may like me but at the end of the day, i am NOT a damn sex object. i am a person with a voice, man. i have a family, i have friends, i am my own person. i like listening to rap music, i am 100 things. i'm on adam4adam and these guys are sending me like over 50 or 70 messages on some "hello, let me fuck you" type shit when i posted a pic of my body hiding my head. i'm like dayum, i know i wouldn't be able to have a simple conversation with those guys because all they wanted was sex. on okcupid, i wouldn't be able to talk with these guys because they have it in their minds that they need to talk with the man of their dreams in order to have a simple conversation to see if they're compatible or not.

just thinking about it just irks me to the point where i feel like whipping one of these dudes asses just because i feel that it's beatdown worthy. it's so fucking disrespectful.
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