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refujiunderground

thinking about my life for a second

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a word of warning. don't bother to read this shit if you don't want to be depressed or if you don't have anything nice to say. i don't feel like hearing any negative comments about me because i already do that myself so i don't need anybody besides me to do that shit. if i see any comment i don't like, i'm deleting it asap.
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you know, i guess it's the anxiety and the sadness that is affecting me right now because i can feel it around my eyes and my chest. with this little cold or flu, i feel like it's kind of hard for me to breath and i feel like i have to cry right now too. i also feel like i need to go to bed and sleep.

you know, to be honest with you, even though i haven't worked for a vacation or whatever. i'm thinking about saving my money up and heading out the country to some island by myself. maybe hawaii or the virgin islands or somewhere like that. somewhere which is sunny and i can run along in the sand where the water is clear where i don't have to deal with anybody i know. that sure sounds nice. me just chilling in a beach chair with shades looking out towards the ocean without a fuck in the world. shit, right now, i sound depressed even though i'm not by definition.

you know, sometimes i look at myself and wonder wtf is wrong with me and why and how i managed to come out this way. hell, even looking back at myself as a kid, i'm like wtf was wrong with me. like hell, i don't even get it or understand myself. you know life would be easy if i did what i had to do but for some reason, i have no interest in changing anything. hell, it's like i feel like i can't do it. the thing is with school, i pretty much was used to getting myself to do the schoolwork even though i really didn't want to do it. i'm done with that now for the moment. now with finding a job, i somehow don't have the energy or the interest in doing it.

for some reason, i feel like the cards i've been dealt such as the father that i have which to me is really fucked up because i believe he has a psychiatric problem (i think he's a sociopath where as someone else told me he appears to have narcissist disorder which now makes more sense than him having anti social personality disorder). my mom, i love her to death, pretty much was in a bad situation with my father in which i feel that my parents got me involved in something that really is none of my fucking bizz. that bothers me a little bit. i'm angry with my father because i feel that he doesn't give a fuck about anybody besides himself. i've seen the way he's acted over the years ever since i was a kid and i just don't like him. he's a shady guy. it's like i don't know if he truly gives a fuck about me or his family for the most part. you know, it's always been a control thing about him. hell, i can't even have conversations with him at all because we can't even talk about shit. he's busy trying to tell me how to live my life and what i should do which is why i don't think i'm going to come out to him because i know what he's going to say. i was thinking about joining the police and here he is telling me what the fuck i should do with my life. i'm telling him about moving out of this neighborhood and out of new jersey and here he is ready to tell me that i should stay here. I DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE ANYMORE. I WANT TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL ALL OPPOSED AND STAGNATED BECAUSE YOU'RE BUSY TRYING TO BE ON SOME DICTATOR SHIT LIKE HOW YOU TRIED TO PULL THAT SHIT ON MY MOTHER WHERE SHE PRETTY MUCH HAD TO FUCK UP HER LIFE TO STAY WITH YOU. YOU NEVER EVEN TRIED TO CHANGE YOURSELF EITHER BECAUSE YOU FEEL THAT YOU'RE RIGHT AND NEVER WRONG YET YOUR ASS HAS THE SAME RAGTAG JOB, DOING THE SAME BULLSHIT HABITS AND CAN'T EVEN GET YOUR LIFE RIGHT. he's a selfish person that doesn't care about the feelings of others only his own. so to me, he's of no support to me. he's there but we pretty much don't have a father and son relationship where i can talk to him like my mother. we're distant like that and it fucking sucks and pisses me off. i don't think it's my fault for that. my father didn't even bother to reach out to me anyway even though we lived in the same fucking household ever since i was born. i don't even like it when he gives me advice because he can't seem to get his own shit straight and i feel that if he knew so much, why his ass couldn't get himself out that fucking rut he's deep into. i want to say fuck him right now but i don't feel right saying so.

but looking back at myself though, i look at myself in the mirror and i see an ugly guy. i try to convince myself that i'm cute, i try to say i'm a handsome guy but to me, i think i'm ugly as shit. my hairline is getting a bit far back up there. i have wrinkles on my forehead. my glasses make me look dorky. i hate myself. compared to other dudes, i look at myself and i don't have shit to be proud of. i talk like an uneducated thug from the ghetto and curse like a sailor even though i never grew up in the hood. i acted like that because i wanted to fit in because i was a geeky kid, i felt i was dumb as hell back too and i felt out of place back then. hell, i don't even know why i beat up on myself to begin with or how i had this negative mindstate to begin with. i don't even know what the fuck happened to me back in the day that made me like this. hell, i can't even snap out of this mindstate too. it's like i delved into the negativity as a kid and the older i got, i started to feel the wrath of it or i started to believe what people told me about myself and i believed them. so i went from being screwed up to being five times worse where i pretty much am who i am now. a fucked up dude with a clouded head on my shoulders.

i'm done.
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