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refujiunderground

okay, feeling a little down, depressed or whatever you want to say right now.

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you know..... thought about my whole experience last night. i want to pat myself on the back for being brave but at the same time, i'm just wondering if i'm doing the right thing. you know, i was already feeling miserable, angry, sad, and etc with my life prior to me before me questioning myself last september. the only thing i feel comfortable with is that i'm no longer living under a huge degree of uncertainty. it bothered me a whole lot when i was telling myself that i was straight, told others around me that i like girls and at the same time, i knew within my heart that i was lying. i was trying to hide from the past and the past was making it's way through the present. in the past, all signs pointed that i probably was a homosexual. my behaviors, my actions, my crushes, my thoughts and feelings pointed out that i was gay. i didn't want to believe it at all. another thing too, those around me pretty much told me about that shit from my brother to my classmates to even strangers on the street but the way they put it to me was more of a threatening message behind them questioning me. "you better stop acting like this or else". it was like who i was wasn't going to get me far with these people so i had to change for them. being that i already have had issues with people in the past where i had people trying to pick on me, beat me up, and the whole nine, i got tired of feeling like the outcast. at 13, i was like "you know what, i'm going to try to fit in with people. fuck who i was." i altered my behavior, i acted more masculine, i tried to get myself into sports, i changed the way i talked, the way i walked, and changed me even though i failed at that. i was trying my hardest to be accepted by others. what happened was people misinterpretted what i was doing and i ended up having what i did backfire on me. people were still making fun of me, rejecting me, i got the wrong type of attention, people became afraid of me since i was acting like a "hardcore wannabe gangster" and i also ended up fucking over myself because the school grades went down, i forgot how to talk in proper english since i made the dunn language, the usage of slang as a regular english (i brainwashed myself). i wanted to be cool and accepted. instead i found myself still feeling on the outs. somehow, i managed to attract certain people who saw through all that, saw me and liked it and became my friend. hell, when i talked with them, i'm surprised at how they thought this way about me when i just couldn't see how they did. but thinking back on that, i wouldn't have changed myself to be accepted if i knew that that was going to happen. i was better off being a awkward shy nerdy type of guy playing video games that was one of the most hated kids on the block growing up.


so back to what i was saying, i wasn't always my biggest supporter. i never thought highly about myself for the most part and if i do, it's out of anger and frustration where i get tired of people criticizing me and having to fucking kiss ass to please people because i pretty much had to change who i was for a little bit of acceptance and i got nowhere. so i feel like "wow, you know, how the hell am i supposed to listen to this person here telling me to change my attitude or whatever when that shit doesn't guarantee anything. if someone doesn't like you, they don't like you. i've pretty much don't feel like having to take responsibility for people's hatred towards me anymore especially when i had to deal with assholes all my life. nowadays, it's more like fuck you. i'ma be me. if you have a problem with that, then i have a problem with you." nowadays, i'm trying to learn how to love myself, accept myself for who i am even the things i hate about myself and wish i could change but to be honest with you, it's a damn bitter pill to swallow. i'm real sensitive where i easily get upset if someone rubs me the wrong way or says something about me that i don't like. i'm one of those guys where i get mad with someone to the point where i hold grudges and have thoughts of beating them up if they get me mad or if i feel that they're disrespecting me in any sort of way. this has led to me getting very cautious about the way people look at me, at around me, and etc-being paranoid and having a huge mistrust with people.

now with being gay and all. to me, i feel like i'm leaving a world that i pretty much have managed to feel comfortable with, a world where i have forced myself into, have been accepted where some people respect me for my personality and who i am and then entering a world that doesn't understand me. i feel as if i'm setting myself up for another headache. the thing about this is i have NOTHING to gain from this at all. NOTHING. i've lost money, time, energy, weight, and in the near future if i don't decide to back away from this completely, possible family and friends. the only thing i will gain from this is freedom, comfort and confidence within myself because i know who i am. as far as my interactions with other gay people, i would say that i'm in the outs. i'm not what you would considered to be a good looking guy, i'm not tall, and etc. you know, i am not one of those socially outgoing people where i stand out the right way in a crowd. i don't like to go along with the flow or things to. being who i am, i feel comfort in just being myself and doing what i want instead of kissing ass and following the "natural order of things". not a rebel but not a follower or a leader either. i'm just being myself because that's who i am. to top it off, the whole idea of not having any kids hurts me to no end. IT HURTS. i pretty much hoped for years that i would be a father even if i had to get with a woman that i don't like or give a fuck about. i wanted to have babies, sons and daughters of my own so i could be a father. have my parents be grandparents but i can't have kids as a homosexual. I CAN'T. it's not physically possible and it would be completely against the grain. i do not know if i would want to raise kids with another man because i don't think him or me could take the place of a woman. well, i believe that women are natural nuturers. there's something a woman has when it comes to kids that a man doesn't have. you know, i can understand two lesbians raising a kid but with two men, it would be completely different. you could try but at the same time, it's not the same. to me, a man can't raise a child on his own like how a woman can raise a child on her own. maybe because i was raised mostly by my mother. my parents were and are still married, they always lived together but the thing is with my father, he never was that much active as how my mother was with raising me. all he would do is just sleep, sit around, go to work, talk to me here and there, and disappear. he would take me out here and there but i never REALLY got a chance to be around him until i was a teenager when he decided to start being a full time parent. this led to him and me having a bit of a conflict where i felt like he was trying to force his way into a picture he was a part of but NEVER made it known. so he starts coming around telling me to do this, do that, and even at times when he was right, i was like "who is this man to start telling me what to do at 15 years old when he didn't even bother to give a fuck about being a father when i was 6? i'm used to taking order from my mother. not my father." i always wanted to show that i could be a better father than my father by being a dad myself and this shit pretty much fucks it up for me. it makes me upset. being in love with another man does feel good and natural for me unlike the idea of being with a woman. being with a woman to me just isn't there. something in me doesn't feel comfortable. there is nothing natural in me that says "okay, you have a crush on this girl. you want to be with her. you want her as a girlfriend. you love her". i don't have that within me. i might see an attractive woman so to speak, look at one or two of them but they don't generate the same feeling like how a guy does. i can see myself getting into a relationship, having affectionate feelings for a guy more so than a woman. a woman and me could only just be friends. hell, if anything sexual happened, i DOUBT that it would be an emotional connection there between us. i would just fuck her and not have any feelings towards her at all. i will just look at her as an object there to get me off like a fleshlight. she would probably wonder if i'm a sociopath or something because i have no emotional attachment or connection to her. i want to be with someone for how i feel about them and not what they could do for me. hell, to be honest with you, i don't think i could fully enjoy sex with a woman that i have NO feelings for romantically at all. i would have to probably go on a few days without masturbation or probably a month or two without masturbating to enjoy sex with a woman.

but with that said, i love being gay because that's who i am but i also hate being gay because i don't get all the things that i want out of life being gay. the negatives outweight the positives.
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