Victories of doubt
"Better defeat, almost,
than all of life's victories of doubt,
that need endless talk, talk, talk,
to make them out."
How in the world did I do that? How did I luck into that? Why does he love me? Why does he want to be with me?
Is it lack of self-esteem or are we so hard upon ourselves that we question our achievements. Is it we do not have arrogance or confidence that we deserve to win, to love, to have.
I mentioned in a posting that being content is bad - the better word might have been complacent. Some achievements require continued work and investment of time and effort - having a good friend, having a good relationship. Even having a nice car requires giving it a wash and a vacuum and an oil change. Yet some are content to have acquired it and spend no further effort on it.
I have some good friends. I do want to maintain their friendship. I do want our relationship to grow. I never want to be complacent with victories I don't understand - gifts that I don't know I deserve. Isn't the love of another a gift regardless of how much we think we deserve their love? And though it is stupid of me to think I could buy or deserve their love or friendship, shouldn't I act as though I did? When am I diminishing their gift and when am I being complacent in our relationship?