by, February 18th, 2009 at 01:58 AM (302 Views)
I should be doing hmwk right now and then go to bed. But somehow, I want to talk. Just talk with someone. To the world that who knows who or what is out there. So here I write.
Valentine is just another holiday, the one where couples celebrate their sweet love (hopefully) and singles see more about their singleness (If that even makes sense). I'm single, and I choose to be that way. I might not be as happy, but I choose too, for my own good in the future, at least that's what my mom and some of my relatives constantly told me. They have lived their life, they have experience and wisdom that I don' have just yet, so I just took their words in, used-to-be blindly. I now grow up a little bit, experience the cultural difference, learn how to be on my own, learn how to accept people for being themselves, learn how to accept myself, learn to acknowledge what I need, what I really want. And I want the people I love to be happy. And I will do whatever it needs to accomplish that, even put my own happiness behind. Right now, some of you will disagree. You will say that your own happiness is what really matters after all because this is your life, not other people's, enjoy it while you can. Yeah, I don't care about random people's opinion about me, but I do care about the people I love. My mom, my sister, my family. They are a big part of me growing up and they influence me. They make me into the person I am today.
That leads to another point for me being single. Being gay is just a heartbreaking point for my family. I don't want them to be hurt because of me. You might say that they will get over it, and accept me for who I am if they love me. You might be right, but it will leave them with deep wounds, and emotional wound is really hard to heal, if ever. It matters a lot to them, especially in East Asian culture. It's about the pride of the family. And it doesn't help for me to be the only son. You know, lineage and all that.
I doubt myself. I sometime push myself into denial. I wish I weren't gay, but the logical part in me just said it ain't happen boy. Do I really have to try to date a woman to see? That thought always saddens me because woman shouldn't be used as a tool to test if you are gay or not. Emotion and feeling are things that I am always careful when touched. Don't try to push thing so hard when it just doesn't work, or at the end, another heart might be broken by your hands.
I believe I have some A.D.D. sometime. When I started this blog, I never intended for it to goes this way. But oh well. now you know a bit more about me. Pathetic? crazy? old-fashion? need therapy? love? empathy? Whatever you feel like. :wave: