by, April 18th, 2008 at 02:57 PM (796 Views)
What a difference a week makes. I went on a mild anti-depressant nine days ago, started working out on a regular basis, and had some big projects to focus on. And finally, the clouds started lifting.
Saturday was pretty much the nadir. I spent all day in a depressive fog, and had to literally force my thoughts at all times away from negativity. And then, something bizarre happened. Pubert and I were talking to a guy at a store, and suddenly, briefly, I felt different. I reached over and did a little finger-dance on Pubert's knee.
Because I felt...normal. Like the darkness lifted, and I was viewing everything the way I normally do. The sinking feeling in my stomach was gone, and I no longer felt utterly cold and alone.
It didn't last - it was only for a few seconds. Then the darkness came back. But that was enough. Because it reminded me what it was like. That life wasn't always a constant struggle to find a reason to go on, to find ways to keep horrible thoughts away.
If I got there once, I could get there again.
The rest of Saturday was still pretty bad. My father turned 70, and my whole family went to my parents' house for dinner. Chatting with everybody helped a bit, but I was still in deep.
Sunday was quite a bit better. I ditched work and spent the day dragging stuff around the house, boxing things, getting ready to paint a room. Negativity kept intruding, but it was no longer a constant thing. I still had to work to keep it away, but it wasn't the full-on struggle it had been.
Monday was better. I had several "episodes" of falling in - feeling cold and miserable - but they weren't as long-lasting as before. I spent more time out than in.
Tuesday, I didn't have a single "episode". I still thought about depressing things, but I was finally to the point that I could lead my thoughts elsewhere quickly enough before I slipped in.
Wednesday and Thursday, a bit of backsliding. I had some quick "episodes", but they lasted all of 15-30 seconds. They still sucked big time, but I could still bat them away with a bit of effort.
Then came today. Friday. I got up early, and got to work pulling the tape and plastic off the room where we had painted. I wasn't necessarily in a great mood - I wished I could've slept in more - but I was moving along, thinking random things.
Then, about an hour in, it hit me. I was thinking random things. In short, my brain didn't default to the horrible negative thoughts that have plagued me for the last several weeks.
I was me again.
You have no idea what this means. Less than a week ago, I literally couldn't remember what this was like. I felt cold and alone and full of despair, and felt like I had always felt this way, and always would. I knew logically that this wasn't the case, but the brain told me otherwise - I'd always be depressed. But now, already, I'm feeling like me once more.
This isn't to say the depression is over. Far from it. I know I'll be prone to sliding back in over the next month or two, and I'll have to stay on the medication for several months. Jumping off it too early inevitably means a MAJOR crash back down, and I ain't going there. I'll have to deal with the side effects for awhile longer (jaw clenching, and occasionally vague feelings). And I still feel the negative thoughts not far off, even if they're no longer right on top of me.
But I'm heading in the right direction.
Lex is back, y'all. :)