not feeling special.
okay so I don't know if am just a little depressed or if I am just feeling sorry for myself...
right now it's 1 am, and levi is in bed.... I haven't slept very good the last week or so and I just don't know what is going on...
I guess my big beef is that I don't feel special.. when Levi and I started dating he use to say sweet things to me all the time and he use to do sweet stuff for me... and i did the same for him... as of late it seems like when I try to do something sweet for him or I say something sweet,, it just gets brushed off and he is back on the computer or back on the phone. We don't spend much time together even though we live in the same house and most evenings we are only a few feet apart... it seems as if I am just a guest, and some times I feel as if I am an unwanted guest at that.
now don't get me wrong, I know he loves me and i know he would do anything for me. But i get this feeling like he may be getting tired of seeing me everyday... or maybe he is just bored of me?
I find myself in another delima... Levi is a health nut and a few months ago he talked me into getting a gym membership.... i did the best I could to try to fit the mold of the guys that he seems to think are sexy... But here's the catch, I HATE working out... it's a burden, and it's not neccesary, I do like the results of working out but I don't like having to come home after a day in the shop and then try to get motivated to work out. It's hard for me to do. i don't think he understands how bad of shape my body is in... I mean after rodeoing and playing football all those years I still have things that i should have had operated on several years ago but I just got too busy. I literally hurts for me to work out. But the bottom line is I would do anything to keep his attention on me. I want him to notice me and i want him to every now and then tell that I look nice when we go out to eat.
I tell him all the time how good looking he is and that there is noone else i would rather be with.... I still have my doubts that he feels the same way....
we were talking tonight about Christmas at his families in Iowa, well he told me that if I didn't want to go it was no big deal... Almost like he was dropping a hint? Sometimes the things that he says don't make any sense to me. I feel obligated to go, 'cause his mother and sisters and brothers are expecting me to come. I would love to spend Christmas here in Oklahoma with my family but I don't want to dissapoint his mother by not showing up in Iowa...
I feel like I am just going through the motions of what a couple ought to be doing. I really don't want him to get bored of me, and i really try to do sweet things for him, but I'm not sure he notices. I hope things change, AND SOON!!!!
i literally have to drag and " I LOVE YOU" out of him. I sat down after work tonight and tried to think of the last time that he said it first, You know just walking through the house, wraps his arms around me kisses my neck and says " I love you". I honestly cant remember the last time that he said it and it wasn't a response to me saying it first. I feel so lonely. But I have nowhere to go and noone to talk to. most of my friends have become more like aquantainces, and it seems like I dont' know anyone anymore.
I am supose to go ride in a rodeo in Lindsay Texas this weekend... Chance ( my best friend) is paying my entrie fee.... I haven't ridin' in about 5 months, so I know that there is a very slim chance that I will walk out with a check... it's a $1500 payout, it would probably cost me about $150 to get down there and spend the night and make it home the next day. But if we are going to Iowa I know that we need to set some money back for that trip. So I guess for now I'll just put riding on the back burner again and try to do the right thing.
That's really about it. I dont' know why I even let this kind of shit get to me, I'm really not a whiner but these are some things that have been keeping me up at night... adn I thought maybe I could sleep better if i got them off my chest.
the loneliest cowboy