...and then some days, I'm just tired of everything, and hardly want to move. Sometimes, I worry about how strongly how little I want to do anything.
I don't know if I'm a narcissist or not. I think about others, and wish well for people, in general, but my thoughts don't usually translate to actions. However, I've learned many times that my attempts at kindness are taken as unwanted advances and can't stand having someone I try to help try to get away from me. So, I usually keep more distance.
I'm pretty certain I'm not a narcissist actually, but I often waver on that certainty, such as a minute ago when I wrote the above.
I'm pretty lucky to work in a place where the men are statistically hotter than the average. It's the entertainment business and a young company run by a fairly shallow gay man, so all levels of it tend to be young, good looking men. There are many bad points, but this one's pretty good.
I'm pretty certain one of the ones I consider to be the hottest is attracted to me. When I'm not supposed to be looking or out of the side of my eye, I seem to gain a great deal more of his attention
I am attracted to the idea of having a bullwhip. In my fantasy, I see myself shirtless, tighter muscles than I have, in a black cowboy hat, smiling hysterically, fantastically happy, whirling the whip, looking like my own personal storm cloud wavering in a 20-, 30-foot circumference, the tail quivering anxiously. And how fearsome the crack of my thunder is.
I realized today I live my life in a cycle of instant gratification. I knew I'm driven by a need for control, but