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The End Has Come

DR-B — Sun, 24 Mar 2013 12:09:58 GMT

As many of you already know, my relationship had been struggling for quite some time. Today I'm writing as it is now over. There are some things to figure out still regarding who gets what and that sort of thing, but nothing major. There weren't that many things that two of us had shared as the relationship only lasted for 2 years. But regardless the pain with this is going to come in terms of the emotions. I have been struggling to keep my act together lately. My focus is not at all where it needs to be right now. What makes things worse is that he is actually still living with me. It's hard to move forward and to grieve over the loss of the relationship when he is still here. Mostly because with him still being there, it doesn't feel like that much has changed. It's very awkward to say the very least.

As I struggle with these feelings, and with what is happening around me, I am trying to at the same time understand where all of these things happened. What were the steps that lead up to this event? I know that some of you (many of you, perhaps) will say that I should just stop right there, and that I should stop analyzing the situation. And here is what I have to say to you - I can't. I can't stop analyzing it because I am a very analytic person to begin with. I literally do analyze everything in life. And my relationship will not be any different. It's hard for me to admit that I had failed. But when it comes down to it, I did. I wasn't able to keep my partner happy, and therefore I wasn't happy, either. If both of us were happy, then this wouldn't have happened. I keep thinking about the good times that we had, too. But even with those good times, there was almost always something bad (minor) in the background as well. There wasn't ever just a GOOD DAY. A good day that was all good no matter what happened. Yes, I realize that part of that idea may be a fantasy in itself. But regardless, it seemed like everything we did there was some argument or some fight as well.

I'm only 24 years old (25 in July), and I understand that there is a lot to come from my life. But at the same time, this is very difficult to deal with. As mentioned earlier, we were only together for 2 years. But the pain is just as real as if we had been together for much longer. How does one measure how much they love another person? How does one person say that it only lasting two years mean that I loved someone less and that the pain is less than someone who was in love for 20+ years? I haven't the slightest idea. Because when I love a person, that means that I give that person everything. And I literally did give him almost everything. Including my savings account - almost everything that I had saved for many years was almost wiped out. Mind you there was not a lot in there due to my high rate of rent and everything else going on my life at the same time, but there was more than enough in there to make me feel like I had lost tons of money, too.

I'm not really clear as how I am to feel right now, honestly. Some days I just wish that he would leave my home right now. Other days, I just don't want him to go anywhere. We still need to have the conversation about what he is going to do. Right now he is scheduled to have a training for his job the week of Easter. Well then he goes on the road right after that. So I'm very much confused as to when he is going to have time to move everything out of my home and into wherever it is that he is going to live next. I'm not clear on that one bit. It's just something else that we are going to have to talk about now. I'm feeling as though I am just in a state of confusion right now, though. Not sure what to do next. I know that I have to talk to him about moving out because if I don't, then my life will never be able to move forward. It's a difficult conversation to have with someone whom you have lived with and someone whom you had loved. But it's a conversation that is desperately needed at the present time as well.

Until I Write Again,
Dustin

Annual Review - Calendar Year 2012

DR-B — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 16:37:00 GMT

It is hard for me to believe that it is that time of the year again. The time of year where I take a few moments to sit down and review what has happened in the last twelve months. Sometimes this is not the easiest task to accomplish, either. So here we go - it is time to review calendar year 2012.

It started as nearly almost every other year had. With the resolutions that would probably never work out in the end, and the ridiculous ideas that things might just get better. Needless to say, these things didn't happen. I had written a few resolutions down, however not a single one of those happened. I don't feel as though I will be doing that in 2013. I simply do not see the point as I just let myself down each time that I do make these resolutions. There is only one thing that needs to happen - I need to be happy with all of the decisions that I make, and I need to be a happier person in general. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.

My partner had moved into my home in 2011. I had thought that things would be wonderful between the two of us. In the end, I think I would say that things are OK. But they just aren't the best right now, either. And I know why that is. It is a part of both of us that is flawed, but I must admit that there are a lot of things that I am to blame for with this. My personality has changed significantly since he moved in with me. Many of the things that he has done has simply changed the person that I am for the worst. I have become such an angry person since he moved in with me. And it's the little things that he has done that piss me off the most. And to be honest, I don't know why that is. The fact that he leaves his dishes in the living room when we are done eating. The fact he doesn't clean the house when I am not home, and when he has not washed the dishes when he doesn't have a job. These things upset me the most. As well as him not having a job for the majority of the year. He simply expects me to be able to support him on a mere salary of $35,000. That is extremely difficult with rent of $800/month. Again, I digress as I am pulling away from the original point.

There honestly haven't been very many changes in the calendar year 2012. My job has stayed the same, my partner has stayed the same, I didn't really have any fun and exciting trips that were taken and whatnot. Simply put, the year was just as good and/or bad as another year. My job has been completely up and down this year. There have been very good moments, and there have been very bad moments. There have been so many periods of sadness and dark moments at the office that I thought I would simply just walk out of the company. However, on the other hand, the company did give me a very sizable bonus, and a nearly 10% raise in my salary. So I do feel somewhat appreciated. However when it comes down to it, I do need to ask myself if I am truly happy working for them. Because it's one thing to get a larger salary, and it's a completely different thing to be happy upon entering the office doors every morning at 5:00 AM. That is the question that I need to ask myself.

I am taking most of this next week (December 24 - December 28) off of work so that I may relax at home, however I know that I will most likely be called a time or two by the office for some items that may need to be taken care of during my absence (that just kills me, honestly. I can't even take a break without being bothered). I will be working tomorrow from 8:00 AM until 12:00 PM, but then I will be headed to my parents home with my partner for Christmas. I am not sure what will happen from there, though. In years prior, I would always open Christmas gifts with my Mom, Dad, and brother on Christmas morning. However, I am uncertain as to whether or not my partner will be willing to spend the evening with me at my parents' home. Last year, we ended up driving all the way home in order to go back there the next morning. I didn't quite understand his logic on that one, as they live approximately 50 miles away from me, but still. We will have to wait and see what happens this year.

In 2013, I really do hope to go back to school again. I tried in August and that didn't work at all. I simply got so very overwhelmed with everything that it just didn't work at all. I really hope to return in 2013, and I hope that it all goes well. I also hope to progress in my career. However in order to do so, I also don't see myself staying with the same company. The problem is that it is hard to do that when they gave me such a significant increase in salary. But again, I do have to look out for my own best interests, not the interests of my organization.

Warmest Regards for a Happy Holiday!
Dustin

Man in the Corner

DR-B — Sun, 04 Nov 2012 16:36:43 GMT

At the young age of twenty-four, Jonathan was quite mature for his age. His family and friends had always said that about him. They felt as though he had grown up far too quickly, in fact, and feared for him in some ways. They feared that he was robbing himself of the life that he had wanted, and so very much needed. Jonathan rarely spent time with friends in his younger years, always hanging out with his family instead, choosing to do more grown-up things than children�s things. His Mom feared for him in this regard. She feared that he would grow up to not live a fully-satisfied life in the future. However, what was a mother to do? She had done everything in her power to help Jonathan along with friends and such, allowing him to have sleepovers or to stay with friends, however Jonathan mostly rejected her offers.

He started to drink coffee at an early age, and his mother also viewed this as something that was far beyond the realm of his own maturity. Something that wasn�t all that unusual, but something that did somewhat puzzle her. Now at the age of twenty-four, Jonathan had earned his Associate in Applied Science degree, and he was working full-time at an accounting firm in the heart of the capital city. He also loved to write with a passion. He spent the majority of his free time, which really only amounted to a few hours a week, at a coffee shop near the office. He enjoyed the hustle and bustle of the shop, and found it comforting to have some activity around him as he wrote. He also liked to watch the diversity of the groups of people that would come in the shop. One minute there were two partners sitting there talking away and then they shared in a loving embrace when it became time to part ways at the end of the evening.

Jonathan had finally admitted to himself that he was a homosexual man at the age of fifteen years. He had known for many years that he wished to spend his time with another man when he was older, and that he was indeed gay. He went through the entire process though to get him to the point of acceptance. He was like many young men � he simply refused to accept the fact that he was a homosexual man in the beginning. He had never engaged in any form of sexual activity, but he had always fantasized about other men. It was a very difficult time for him.

One year after he had finally come to the realization that he was gay, he felt as though it was time to tell his own family that he was a gay man. He was greeted with open arms, in most situations. His grandmother is the person whom he chose to discuss his sexuality with first. She had made several comments in earlier years making it clear that it wasn�t really an issue to her if a man was a gay, nor if a woman is gay. She was clearly accepting of the fact that a person could be gay. His mother had more of a difficult time with it, but ultimately she was also accepting of it as well. Both his mother and his grandmother were afraid that his sexuality would lead to further problems later in life.

It was rare for Jonathan to spend time out, with the exception of going to the coffee shop. That truly was his sanctuary, and where he really felt the most at home. The people were always friendly, and they always smiled and waved goodbye at nights-end. He was truly happy there, no matter what time of day he was there. He always tried to remain quiet when he was there for the most part, though. He was there quite often, but he was so very silent that he was hardly even noticeable to those around him. There was a specific spot that Jonathan liked within the coffee shop, right in the corner of the store. The people who frequented the coffee shop on a regular basis knew Jonathan simply as The Man in the Corner.

When is Enough truly Enough?

DR-B — Sun, 21 Oct 2012 00:59:48 GMT

I believe that we all sometimes tell ourselves that we have had enough of something. We sometimes feel as though we have dealt with enough in our lives. We have moments of weakness, or moments of complete despair, or moments where we simply wish we could do what that old adage says - throw in the towel. Simply put, sometimes we have had so much of something that we just want to give up. I know that I have experienced this feeling many times in life. Most recently, I have felt this way regarding my career and my current job.

Things have been getting very difficult at my current company. Not only with my co-workers, but with the job in general. I am dealing with several persons right now at the office whom really do get on my nerves. There is the Senior Staff Accountant who works above me whom drives me absolutely crazy sometimes. I feel as though she hardly ever does her own work - she is constantly asking me questions about how to do things. Please understand that generally I do not mind at all helping her out. The situation is, quite honestly, the exact opposite of that. I generally love to help people out, especially at the office. But I feel like I am helping her with EVERYTHING that she does. And that does get old sometimes. I have a great respect for this person, I truly do. But I strongly dislike the fact that she is making more money than I am when I am pretty much doing her job for her. That part drives me crazy.

And then there is also the fact that I am currently training in a new employee who is an a position below mine (he is an Assistant Accountant, I am a Staff Accountant). Essentially what I am feeling is that I am training to persons in on their jobs, in addition to doing my own job. And the saddest part is that I am still making under $40,000.00 in doing so. I'm hardly able to manage my own rent and other bills, paying for two persons to live off of one salary. Things have been extremely trying for me lately, that's to say the very least. On many occasions, I have felt the urge to go into the President's office and say that I simply am unable to work for the organization anymore. I haven't had the courage to do that, though. Most especially due to the fact that I do not have another job lined up. It would be foolish to leave this job without having some sort of an alternative lined up. Times are just quite hard right now at work, and it's not been easy to work these longer hours. I've been working 50 - 60 hours all year, and it's just seeming to get worse, especially considering I am on a very low salary for what I do.

I am not really certain as to where my relationship stands with my partner at this point. As with many relationships, it is most difficult to gauge something like that. I feel as though we are still at the point of figuring each other out, and still figuring out what we would like from one another. I feel as though we are still pushing each other's buttons, though. Sometimes I wonder if we will really make it through everything that is set before us. Certainly up until this point we have, of course, made it through all of the challenges placed before us. However, I often wonder if we will always be able to do so. When you think about it every argument that you go through as partners gets more difficult, and it raises questions as to why are you arguing in the first place?

For me, an argument is something that makes me question us. Perhaps that's not the appropriate first reaction to the argument, as it does not seem to affect him in the same way that it does affect me. However, at the same time, I do realize that we are two different people, and that we do react to things in different ways. Regardless of how each of us works, I know that I try to analyze each situation as it happens. And when we argue and fuss and fight I tend to think of it objectively, trying to also understand his point of view. I fear, however, that he does not do the same thing. I feel as though sometimes he thinks only of what he has done right, or what I have done wrong in the situation. But that is something that I need to work through myself, I understand that. I am merely writing this here in my blog so as to offer you all (my readers) some understanding of the relationship that I have with my partner.

When it comes down to it, though, I must say that I really do love my partner. Whenever I do think of something bad happening to him, I find myself crying worrying that something might happen to him one day. Whenever I watch a certain type of movie where one person (partner) is experiencing a loss in their life, I often place myself in their situation. And if I had ever lost this person in my life, I honestly wouldn't know what to do. I love them so very much. That is why I have to figure out some sort of way to make things better between the two of us - along with his help as well, so long as he is willing to help as well, for I cannot fix our problems on my own. I need to learn to be a happier person in general, I think. For if I am not able to do that, then how can he be happy, either?

Warmest Regards,
Dustin

Uncertainty

DR-B — Sun, 23 Sep 2012 01:24:21 GMT

Things have been so very busy lately with me. I�m back now to twelve hour days during the week, if not longer hours than that. Several days in the past several weeks, I have been working more than 13 hours in a day. I have averaged approximately 62 hours in the past several weeks. I haven�t hardly had time to do anything besides work, to be honest. I believe that John (*) is getting somewhat irritated with me due to my job situation. Even more so, it is definitely taking a toll on my personal life and my emotions as well.

I have a huge regret of dropping out of college last summer, too. I think about that almost every day, knowing that I have left behind some of the goals that I had set in place for myself. It�s just very hard knowing that I have given up on something that was so very important to me. My education has always been an important aspect in my life, and it always will be as well. It�s just hard to manage my time with everything else that is going on. My relationship with John has been extremely difficult to manage, too.

In many ways, I don�t know that John and I are compatible. We hardly ever engage in any sort of sexual activity, and we seem to fight and argue all the time. I don�t really know why that is, either. He and I are constantly on different pages with so many things, too. And it�s also difficult with my being at work all the time � I feel poorly for that but I also have to consider my career in the grand scheme of things. I have already given up on my dreams of going to college, and I will never give up my career, though.

My longer hours at work are really taking a toll on my productivity at the office, though, too. My productivity levels have probably significantly decreased, although I have no true way to measure such things as that. It�s also difficult to track something such as that due to the fact that I have also been training in a new employee the last three weeks or so. I have also been so very irritated at work � I even sent an e-mail message to my supervisor this morning that wasn�t exactly the most polite. I regretted my words instantly after I had sent the message along to her.

I will end this message here � there is much more to follow � but I fear as though my thoughts are not the most clear as of this evening. I have so many things going on in my head right now.

A Past-Due Update

DR-B — Thu, 17 May 2012 02:13:19 GMT

Hello All,

I feel as though it has been far too long since I have updated you on my life. As I mentioned in my previous blog entry dated 04-14-2012, though, there is just not enough time in the day to get everything done. I don't understand how that works, honestly. But such is life. Day in, and day out, our schedules seem to get busier and busier, do they not?

It's about nine o'clock this evening, and I am normally in bed by now. You see, dear friends, I am unable to sleep this evening. The reasons for that are plentiful, too. Mostly, though, they are related to my career. I shall explain those reasons in depth below.

Firstly - I do not know where my career needs to be right now, or if I am happy with where I am. Generally I am happy with my job, and I truly do enjoy it. However, in other ways, I feel as though my President has placed me in a position where I don't know that there will be very much room for advancement whatsoever. That really does frighten me very much. I moved up from being an Assistant Accountant about two years ago now. Generally that's how long my company would wait before promoting any employee.

Secondly - there has been so much turnover lately at my place of business. I cannot believe how many staff members we have lost in the past two months. I believe that there have been a total of three departures in that time period. Two Client Service Managers (CSM's), and one Senior Staff Accountant (SSA). For a larger corporation, that would make sense. And for any company, turnover does occur. It always has, and it always will, honestly. That's just the nature of business, I understand that. But in such a short period of time - that is what upsets me the most. The next position that I would be able to fit into is the Senior Staff Accountant position, that I referenced a few sentences ago. The problem is that, as I mentioned earlier, I feel like my President (also my supervisor/manager) has me where she wants me right now. I don't feel as though she will let me get off the team with the largest client for many reasons, really. I won't go into the details of that with all of you here - I will just say that I feel like the most relevant fact is that I will ruin the client relationship if I were to change teams within this organization.

Thirdly - I am very much concerned about the future of my organization. With so many CSM's and SSA's leaving, it has me questioning the stability of the organization, too. Such questions as the following have entered my mind in the past several days: Is this organization truly ready for the changes ahead? Is this company stable enough to sustain any financial hardships that might come along? If we're losing this many clients and staff members - what does that say about us? Why are we losing so many clients and staff members? My fear is that many of the clients that we are losing are going to our competition - which would be awful for my own organization. And on top of that - will this company be around years from now? If yes - do I truly want to stay here? Is it worth it to me?

As you can see from the information above, I have been considering a lot lately. The final thing that I will mention is the fact that I am working on a salary, and I have been working many more hours than the standard 40. I can work anywhere from 50 - 80 hours in any given week. I have already had to give up on going back to the University of Minnesota last fall as I was working far too many hours. I was doing very poorly in the online courses that I had taken, and so I made the decision to drop out of school, which had cost me over $3,000.00 of my savings account - I really wasn't left with very much after that. This company has taken so much from me - not only in terms of my financial health, but also my personal health as well. I was getting so nervous about work and school at the same time for a while there that I had to go to the doctor and determined that it was just stress from everything that was going on in my life. It was very challenging to leave my Bachelor's degree behind. But at the same time, I knew that going to school wasn't going to be what was going to pay the bills, either. So I had a very important decision to make. And I chose to drop out of school.

My partner and I are still together, after one year now. He moved into my home in April of 2011, and he is still here. Poor guy is already in bed as he gets up at 4:00 AM (as I do, too) to get ready for work. Things have been kind of rough for us lately. Sometimes I do question whether or not we are the right couple. There are some days when I am 100% certain that we were meant for each other, and then there are days when I am 100% certain that we should just go our separate ways. All in all, though, I believe that we are happy. We understand that we both have things to improve upon in our lives - but then again, who doesn't? As I approach the age of twenty-four years old, I am starting to realize that I do need to grow up some, too. Some of my past responses and questions here even on this forum have been somewhat "immature" in nature. Not in the sense that they were inappropriate or anything such as that. But just in the sense that the thoughts were perhaps more juvenile than one would expect from an adult. I do see myself growing up each day, and I do see the changes that lie within myself. I just pray that he does too.

I will end this blog entry here. I hope that all of you are having a wonderful morning/afternoon/evening depending upon the time that you read this entry. May you have a wonderful day each and every day that you are here on this earth - remember never to take anything for granted. We do not live forever. We do not know when we will be asked to come home.

Kind Regards
Dustin
DR-B

So Little Time

DR-B — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 12:03:46 GMT

As the days pass me by at an ever-increasing rate, I cannot help but feel as though there is so little time to do everything that a person would like to accomplish in their lifetime. There are many goals that I had hoped to get to by the age of twenty-four, and I have not yet achieved several of the things. Please do not misunderstand my comment here - I am very proud of where I am in life, and where I have been in the past.

One of my biggest regrets, admittedly, is not going to a four-year university where I would have received my Bachelor's Degree in accounting. I tried last summer to go to the University of Minnesota to take online courses, but I wasn't able to manage my stress levels, nor was I able to manage my workload while going to work full-time as well. I regrettably had to drop out of courses for those reasons. In addition to those reasons, it was difficult to have a relationship with my partner at the same time. We barely saw each other, and that wasn't really the life that I wanted for us. I guess I'm somewhat traditional in my ways when it comes to relationships and families - I have always been that way, though.

Speaking about my partner, we are going on a trip in two weeks to Missouri. He is purchasing a car from his parents, and we need to go down there to pick the car up. When he was speaking to his mother the other day, he told me that his mother wanted to meet me. I was surprised by her comment, but thankful for it at the same time. Until now, she hadn't wanted anything to do with us. She has been showing an improvement in her lines of thought lately, although I think the idea of homosexuality does still bother her deep within herself. My family has graciously and willingly accepted him into their arms as well. But not with some conversations about it first, let me tell you.

Things have been about the same as the last time I wrote. We argue quite a bit about silly stuff, as do many couples. I know that not every couple does, and I wish that we didn't, honestly. From the beginning, though, our relationship was 'different.' We both understood that. In many ways, he and I are completely different people. But in more ways than we are different, we are the same. As I was lying in bed last evening (I climbed into bed after he did as I wasn't really tired yet), I started to think about why he was with me.

And then a thought had occurred to me. As much as he may try and tell me to change, and to simply relax about things, we are the exact same in that regard. We both worry about things that are out of our control. He tells me that I will probably end up with a heart attack one day. Which, I admit might happen given how nervous I do make myself about silly things. But anyway, I thought that he is probably with me because I am the person that he used to be. Not that it is a bad thing, in the least. I kind of think that he is with me because he is seeing part of himself in me. At this point in time, we are opposites in the way that we do some things. But it is as they say, "Opposites attract." Regardless of the similarities and differences in our relationship, we do love each other wholeheartedly. On the 26th of April, it will be one year since he moved in with me. I cannot believe how fast 354 days have gone!

I cannot believe how little time there is do get everything accomplished in life, can you? Speaking about time, it is about time that I got off of the computer and head over to the auto shop. I have an appointment soon to get the car's oil changed!

May you all see bright futures in front of you. May you see each day as an opportunity to be happy. May each and every one of you experience the joy of another beautiful sunrise!

Kind Regards,
Dustin
"DR-B"

2011 Year in Review / 2012 Look-Ahead

DR-B — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 03:29:58 GMT

I'm not really certain as to where I should begin this blog, as there has been so much happening this past year. 2011 was challenging, it was refreshing, it was happy, and it was sad. So in other words, it was pretty similar to years past. But this is a summary of the past year.

In January, I started talking to a man whom I had found on the Internet - it's actually a rather interesting story. We had found each other through an online dating Web site, whose name I shall not mention here. I was looking at his profile, and I noticed that it said that he was from Missouri. At that point, I stopped looking at his profile - I wasn't really interested in starting a long-term relationship with him as I was currently in Minnesota. I had no intentions of meeting him, so I closed out of the profile and the Web site and went about my day. Approximately one week later, this man had sent me an e-mail that was short and very much to the point. "Hi there, beautiful. I'm never on here, but you can text me if you want. XXX-XXX-XXXX." Those were his words to me, exactly. I was very much hesitant, but decided to text him - it wouldn't hurt anything. He was the most beautiful man whom I had ever seen - from the inside. Wow - I had actually met a beautiful man who wasn't completely interested only in sex. Was it possible? Yes, it was. John * loved me for me, not for what I had underneath my clothes. Of course at the time, it wasn't love. He called me the next day, after first checking with me that it was OK. We spoke for nearly 6 hours, and I ended up getting to bed very late. But it was OK. John even made the comment that I truly was a gentlemen, "You haven't once asked how large my c**k was, so you really are a nice guy," he said. To me, that wasn't important right now. Getting to know him was what was the most important. I knew that there would be challenges to the long-term relationship, though. I've always struggled with that, and this time was no different.

In February, we had decided that it was far too difficult to continue this relationship, as there was no physical contact with one another. While we communicated via text message nearly every day, pictures and written words can only go so far. I am sure that most of my readers will understand that. We decided to end the relationship approximately one month after it had begun. It was a shame, and it was so very hard for me to deal with. Partly, because I had just ended another friendship in December. I felt as though I couldn't even keep myself together any further. I had driven myself into a deep depression. One where I hadn't eaten for a long time, and one where I was just upset with the world. As I was sitting on the couch one evening, my BlackBerry flashed with a red LED light, which meant that I had a new message of some form. I was sure that my Mother had called while I was napping on the couch after work. Instead, it was a new text message from John with the song, "I Still Believe In You" by Vince Gill attached. I started talking to John again, and wanted to know what the meaning of the song was, and why he had sent it to me exactly. As every classic love story goes, he told me that he thought of me every day, and he just couldn't get me out of his mind. He told me that he needed me and that he still wanted me to be his better half. I wasn't sure what to make of the situation at the time. I knew that I still loved John with all of my heart, and more than anything I wanted things to work out between us. It had only been a short period of time since we had spoken, and he had told me that he had been with another man in that short period of time, but I trusted in this man deeply. I knew that he had a difficult time being alone, as did I. What I was confused about, though, was where I should go from there.

In March of this year, I made a trip down to Missouri to see John. Both of us were so very nervous the first day that I was down there. I had made the trip down there as he was short on money, and unable to make the trip up to Minnesota. I gladly offered to drive down there - it was a very nice road trip for me. I was on vacation for a week, and had a great time. He felt poorly, though, as he had to work the entire time that I was down there. In all honesty, that was OK. It gave me time to think and to consider everything. And I do mean everything about John. It made me realize the life that he was living, and where things were going for him. It made me realize a lot of things. We went to breakfast a number of times, we had a lot of frozen pizzas together, and we spent whatever time he could together. Which wasn't much. I felt like a small dog when I was down there - I followed his every move because he intrigued me so much. I valued his opinions and loved his mannerisms. And his heart. That's what I enjoyed the most. I fell head over heels for John when I was down there. Not that you could tell from our phone conversation of one night, though. "I'm in the Hospital, I cut my finger." John had told me. I responded, "OK", "You're real concerned," he said. In my defense, it was about 1:00 AM, and I wasn't really thinking clearly. Shortly thereafter John had forgiven me, but I still felt poorly. He said there wasn't much that I could do anyway, and that was fine. Regardless, I still felt poorly. When I had to leave at the end of my week's vacation, I really did not want to. I felt so badly leaving John behind. I cried as I I held him in my arms. I cried the entire time he was holding me and telling me that it would only be about 2 - 3 weeks more until he saw me again. I cried the entire time we brought my suitcase back to my car. He later told me that I was overly-emotional to situations, which is quite true, I will admit that.

On April 26, 2011, John moved in with me. It was a very fast decision, and our relationship has moved extremely quickly. At first, I was very much concerned about how fast the relationship was going. I was so scared that things were progressing too quickly. Were they? Yes, they were. But at the same time, everything felt right, too. I needed to help John out. He had nowhere to go, and he was getting behind in many areas - I wanted to help him pull his life together again. And thankfully now he does have his life together, is helping to pay rent, and is looking to purchase a new car. He's working overtime, he's working in a full-time position, and he's FINALLY happy. He has had a lot of negative things happen to him in his lifetime, and he has been extremely depressed - he has done things to himself that I cannot mention here. The other day he told me that he is finally happy with where things are, and he's happy to get a chance to move ahead and be even happier. I'm lucky to have John in my life.

From May until July, there weren't many changes in my life. I was working many hours with the accounting firm that I work for, and that was taking a majority of my time. John was working at GCA for a few months, a car service company. He washed the cars and detailed them. That was a full-time job for about a month until he, sadly, lost that job. Since moving up here, John had a very difficult time finding a job, and I felt so very poorly for him. My income was able to support the two of us for a short period of time, but that obviously couldn't last too long. Now he's working at another company full-time, and last week he worked 60 hours, earning 20 hours of overtime, for which he's very proud of. John is a great boyfriend, he's always thinking about US, and not always about himself. He's trying to help us both out in the relationship, not just him. When he gets candy from the store, he always makes sure that he brings two of them home, one for myself and one for him. He's such a great person, with a warm heart. He's been through so much in life, an I am surprised that he IS that way.

I started to go to school again through the University of Minnesota in August, only for a brief period of time, though. By the end of September 2011, I had to dis-enroll from the University. My performance both at work and in school were affected by the decision to go back. It was impossible to go to work for 60 hours/week, and then expect to also complete my schoolwork. In order for Financial Aid to kick in, I had to go to school at least part-time, which means 6 credits. I was only taking 4 credits at the time, which meant that I needed to ask for a loan from my mother. I was extremely embarrassed to do so, too. Since moving out of my parents home in 2009, I wanted to make every effort to do things on my own. I wanted to show them that I was grown up now, and that I could handle doing things on my own without their help. Well I had to learn to swallow my pride and ask my Mom for her assistance, financially. I jumped off of my high horse, accepted the financial assistance, and wrote a check to the school. Shortly thereafter, because of the issues I mentioned above with performance, I left the University. In addition to the difficulty in performance at work, and school, the University failed to mention that none of my credits from my prior business school would transfer. It's unfortunate as I did hold a 4.0 GPA with my Associates Degree program, but what can I do? Continue to search for the right college - that's what I can do.

November came along so very quickly this year - Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for in my life. But most of which, I think I am thankful for my family and my boyfriend. John means everything to me, literally. He's my rock, my best friend. He's the man whom I turn to when things in my life fall apart, and he's the only one whom I ever wish to be with. I can never say enough about John. We went to Grandma's house this year, and we both had a wonderful time. For the majority of the time, we played the card game, "Screw Your Neighbor." It was a great time for both of us. He called his mom the next day and told her everything that had happened, and it was just a great day for all of the family. My brother is now drinking, too. I don't necessarily agree with that - but it's my parents decision, not mine. Oh good gracious - I don't know what's going to happen if John and I become parents. We'd disagree on nearly everything, ha ha. Not quite sure how that's going to work in the end. But we have a lot of time until that decision needs to be made. With me being a mere 23 years old, and John being 27 (28 in January), we have some time yet to consider that.

Christmas has already come and gone this year. I cannot believe that the Holiday season is already coming to a close. December was a month that went by so very quickly, it seems so very unfair to me. I don't know what to make of that. John and I went to Grandma's house on Christmas again, but it wasn't such a good time as last time. Nothing went colossally wrong, but I was kind of depressed on Christmas Eve. It bothered me - John's insecurities about my family, and about his many insecurities about sleeping in their home, but I did my best to respect that. In the end, I think I probably failed to understand fully, though. Later in the evening as we were driving home, he told me that he just wanted to enjoy a Christmas for the two of us, and that did make sense. But it didn't make sense to me that I should put more miles on my car for his insecurities at the time. But all of that was soon behind us as he explained himself further to me. I think our biggest problem is that of communication - as it is for many couples. We both need to be better about communicating our thoughts to each other. It is something to start working toward, that is for sure.

I have so many goals for 2012 that I don't know where to begin. I would love to find the time to be able to go back to school again, somewhere other than the University of Minnesota. But in order to do so, I feel as though I would need to find a new job, too. My current position requires that I work at least a 50 hour week, which would be rather difficult with going to school, too. The other problem I had with the U of M was the fact that I had to volunteer my time at least twice weekly; one evening I had come home from work and crashed on the bed beforehand, nearly missing my volunteer session completely. I was completely exhausted. A friend of mine admitted to me that it was very challenging for him, too, but that he trudged his way through it all. That gives me confidence in knowing that if he can do it, so can I.

January 28, 2012 will mark four years that I have been employed with my current company. That means that I get an extra week's worth of vacation - YAY! Ha ha. That doesn't mean very much to me, in all honesty. This past year I lost approximately 52 hours of vacation because I didn't use the hours. The thing is, there really isn't that much time for me to take a vacation in my current position. Being a Staff Accountant doesn't allow much moving room at all. It's difficult to schedule a time to take a vacation when accounts payable need to be processed weekly, and the payrolls processed bi-weekly. Very little wiggle room. But alas, I do have this week off of work, so I made that happen. John would like to go on vacation in Las Vegas in May, so I'm going to have to think that one over. The thinking process kicks in when I know that he will also be looking for cars at an auction. His truck is currently having issues, so he wants to look into getting a new one.

Among my other goals for 2012 include:

Exercising Daily (In Some Form)
Being a Better Partner to John
Being a Better Person to my family
Growing Spiritually
Learn Italian (At least the beginning stages)
Learn to Have an Open Mind
Begin The Process of Understanding Deeper
I have so many goals for 2012, and this is only a partial list. My hope, my deepest hope for 2012, is to become a better person on all levels. This will not happen, of course, by John's and my anniversary on January 05, 2012, but hopefully it will happen by December 31, 2012.

I hope and pray that you, as my reader, are doing well. May 2012 bring so may wonderful things to you and yours.

Warmest Regards,
Dustin
AKA DR-B

Revised December 30, 2011 @ 02:57 PM.

* John is not my boyfriend's real name - it has been changed for identity protection purposes. *

You're Still You

DR-B — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 21:49:24 GMT

My throat is dry, I am barely beginning to be awake from a deep sleep. The bed is poorly made as I have been sleeping in it for much of the night; it is all out of shape. I look around me to find that you are not there. You are most likely on the couch, as that seems to be one of your favorite places in our quiet home. You prefer the couch and the floor to nearly anything else. I've gotten used to that now as you have spent much of your time there.

We had fought earlier. About what we had fought is not significant as no fight ever is. It was the small stuff that matters not, as it normally is with us. I have to learn to relax and loosen my grip on you as my partner and as my friend. I value your friendship as well as our relationship. I view you as my king, and as my knight in shining armor. I always will view you that way so long as we are in this relationship. It is for that reason amongst others that I will learn to deal with things in life as they come to me. I will learn to take you for who you are, and to stop controlling the man whom I claim to love. Your happiness is what is most important to me, and what will always remain the most important thing to me.

It's rather warm this evening. The low was in the 60's tonight, compared to the frigid 40's of last week. We live in such an odd climate here in Minnesota. Can't say that it was really my choice in destinations, though. Just where I happened to be brought up, and where you followed me to. As I looked over at your empty place in the bed, I realized how much I hated that we had fought earlier. I realized just how much it was that I missed you. The pain of not having you by my side was overwhelming. I needed you there with me now; I needed reassurance that things were going to be OK between us. I hate going to bed upset, most especially after one of our fights.

I slowly walked down the hallway, being sure to avoid the ghosts that you so adamantly claim are out there in our home. Still have my questions about them, but you seem to be so very certain. Regardless of whether or not they are there, I walked slowly toward the couch. As I was walking toward you, it looked as though you had your eyes locked right on me as I took each step closer. I didn't have my glasses on as it was so early in the morning, but even so it looked as though you were staring right at me. With a soft, and perhaps reluctant voice, you looked at me and said, "What?" I sadly looked into your eyes and held you in my arms and said, "I miss you." You understood the sincerity and the apologize that was carried within my voice. You so delicately took me in your arms and said, "Let's go to bed." When I hadn't moved, you more forcefully, but gently so, said, "Come on, let's go to bed." I reluctantly, in my tiredness, agreed and slowly stepped toward the bedroom.

You held me for much of the night, as I so very much needed you to do so. I strongly dislike the arguments that we have, and yet there seems to be so very many of them. The problem lies not within you, nor within our relationship that we have together, rather that problem lies within me. I need to realize and understand that you, too, are a person just as though I am. I'm having a difficult time in seeing and understanding that, and it is for that reason that I need you to be here with me to remind me of that. You've been such a wonderful man to me. One whom I feel I can entrust anything to. You make my life complete, and you make me incredibly happy. You are the love of my life. You are the man whom I turn to for everything. And I don't want to lose you because of some selfish and foolish need to control you or to be your master. You are my boyfriend, not my computer, nor my dog, nor anything else.

In the end, you are still you. You are your own person, and you are your own individual. I want you to have your own thoughts and opinions on things in life. I want you to have your own values which you hold within your heart very firmly. I want you to stand by what you believe in. If I happen to have the same values that you do, then that is wonderful, and that's fantastic. If not, then please explain them to me so that I may understand what you are feeling and what you are going through. I understand that we are different in so many ways, but I firmly believe that we need each other and that I need you in my life.

I love you with all of my heart. You're beautiful on the inside and the outside.

Sincerely,
Dustin

Friend or Lover

DR-B — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 12:22:43 GMT

Blog Song 09/24/2011: Can You Feel The Love Tonight - Elton John

It was never meant to be this difficult. There wasn't supposed to be a doubt in my mind as to what we were in terms of our relationship. It was meant to be simple, it was meant to be easy. Love is not something that should come with difficulty to either of us. To be in a relationship and to be completely in love is something that should come smoothly. It should come naturally. I don't feel as though that is happening with us though, my love. I feel as though there are rough patches with each passing day. I feel as though there are things happening in our lives that we are struggling with. There are may times when I've wanted to give up and let things go. But then I realized in the end, I simply couldn't do that.

Dear Readers:

As you can see, I've been having a hard time deciphering whether the man whom I am living with is a friend or if he truly is a lover or partner of mine. From the beginning of our relationship, I knew that things were rushed; I understood that aspect of the relationship in January when we had first met. It started off as a long-distance relationship, and I thought that it was wonderful at first. It was probably so wonderful because there were very few commitments that I had to adhere to. I didn't have to be there at night to hold him, I didn't need to worry about him not being there for me to hold me on a long, cold night. I just knew that he was out there in Missouri doing whatever it was that made him happy. He was there and I was in Minnesota. What either of us did was our own business so long as we weren't hurting the other person in any way. But upon reflection, he could have easily hurt me even though he was a very far distance away from me. Because ultimately, I cannot say where his actions led him. Especially not on those select days that it took a long time to hear from him. Was he with another man? It's difficult to say. It's never going to matter for I will never know where he was, nor what he was doing.

When things progressed between us and he invited me down to Missouri in March to see him, things were almost perfect. I had a wonderful week off of work, and truly enjoyed his company when I was down there in his home state. We laughed, we joked, we had so very much fun. We would mostly watch movies with one another while cuddling with one another on the couch. He worked nights, and I would try and get my rest then. But toward the end of that week, I did try to make my sleeping habits mirror those of his own. We would go to the grocery store, make jokes, and laugh at each other. We would also of course laugh with one another. In fact it was almost perfect. I felt instantly that he was very beautiful, better than what I had seen in his online pictures. I was in love before I had even returned home; this was not at all a good thing. I knew that at the time, and I can certainly see that now.

When he had moved into my home in April, things were OK. They weren't the best, but they were manageable. He has been here ever since, but my question is why? As of this moment, I find myself questioning whether we are good friends and roommates, or if we are more than that and if we are lovers. I am ably to identify many indicators for both. We do try to have sex. Being a virgin when he moved in with me didn't help in the least. I have viewed that as something that has been rather damaging to my relationship with him, honestly. We clearly don't agree on that for he has told me over and over again that it's fine. Then again he masturbates quite a bit when I'm not home, too, so it's clearly OK. Recently we have made quite large progress with regards to sex, though. But still I feel as though he can do better for himself. What he needs to understand is that I'm not going to be able to do that for him right away. He claims that all is OK with regards to that, but in many ways I feel as though I am disappointing him. If any of you know me at all, you know and understand that I don't like disappointment. I don't feel as though any of us truly do like disappointment, honestly. That would be silly if we did. But if any of you truly did know me, you would know that I also don't like imperfections. I try my hardest to be perfect with everything that I do. And that includes my relationships.

I don't feel as though I am the perfect man for my partner. I honestly don't. That's why every opportunity that I get, I try to assure him that I love him, for I truly do. My question lies here, then: does he love me the same as I love him, or am I just something that he is using to distract himself from the horrible world that is out there beyond what I have to offer him? Please don't mistake my comments as me being conceited, or selfless. I offer much of my life for him, I even dropped out of school because of the stress that it was causing our relationship. I have given him more than I have given myself. I've given him more credit for the things that he has done in his life, than I have done in my own. He's a wonderful man and I love him very much. I don't ever take one day with him for granted. Because in reality, I don't know how many more days with him I have. I don't mean to sound negative, nor disheartening. I'm just confused right now as to where things lie between us.

I'll end this entry here. Have a wonderful day, everyone.

Dustin

REPOSTED FROM: http://dustin-lifesjourney.blogspot....-or-lover.html

Returning to Normal

DR-B — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 23:12:12 GMT

Blog Song 02-27-11: The Mummer's Dance - Loreena McKennitt

For once in a very long time, things in my life seem to be returning to normal. At least by my own standards. Things at work have changed quite a bit, due to the restructuring, and also due to the new ownership back in December 2010.

In terms of work, I am actually only working about fifty hours per week now, which is excellent. Much better than having to work those sixty and seventy hour weeks! I am quite excited to be able to leave at about 4:30 every night, rather than about 7:30. I have still been working overtime, obviously, granted never being paid for it due to my salary. But I understand that not all jobs can be completed in forty hours. And another reason that I work so much sometimes is because it is something that I love to do. I know that sounds silly and probably kind of dumb, but I love working, and I love my job. Yes, it is sometimes a pain in the ass, but I love it regardless.

I have an interview tomorrow at my office for the open Senior Staff Accountant position. I am really hoping to obtain that position in order to demonstrate my leadership skills as well as to gain a deeper understanding of the clients. I would like to further and make more of a depth to the relationship that I have with our clients. I want to know them better so that I can understand what is important to them in terms of their financial statements and in terms of the budgets, and any other financial documents. I have been with my current company for just over three years now, and I feel that I have picked up quite a bit of information within that time. I feel that I am both highly-motivated and self-motivated as well. I think this position would be a wonderful fit for me with where I am at right now in my life. Please be thinking of me and this position. I am really hoping to obtain it!!

Something else in my life that will change soon is that of my education. I have sent my application to the University of Minnesota in hopes of getting accepted for online courses. I would have to do that after my work day ends, generally around 4:30 PM now. I have had several conversations with one of the Client Service Managers at the office, and she does not feel as though I would have to work much more than fifty hours each week with this new position, which is wonderful! I am a little bit worried about audit season, however, and what that would mean in terms of the hours that I would have to put in. But all in all, it sounds like things should work out. She asked me about my education and if I was going to return to school as well, and I was completely honest with her. I do plan on returning to school, yes, but my career right now is what is most important to me.

I live a very simple life. I don't have enough money to allow me to live in a mansion. However, I am not living on the streets, either. I have enough money to make me comfortable with where I am in life. I have rarely complained about money in life. I have never said to the owners of my company, I believe that I am worth more than what you are paying me. Why? Because I love what I am doing. I don't feel that it is the company's responsibility to watch and make sure that I am not assisting the employees that I shouldn't be. I have a savings account that I make transfers into from time to time, and I am living a beautiful life. Does that mean that I conserving all of my money? No, certainly not. It means that I am being careful right now. Because who knows what will happen tomorrow? Exactly -- nobody does. My business may close its doors and I will have nowhere to go. I am planning ahead for an uncertain future. I love my life and I love where I am at right now.

Several of my friends and family have told me recently, "You are too hard on yourself, Dustin. People love you the way that you are, and you need to accept that." In fact, one of my friends kind of snapped on me the other night in telling me all of that. But I am grateful that he did. It has shown me that I have not given myself enough credit for the man that I am today. I am twenty-two years old with a high school diploma, and an Associate in Applied. I have been gainfully employed by the same company for over three years now, which I am incredibly thankful for. I am applying for the Senior Staff Accountant position within that same company, which would be the second step up within the organization, IFF I get the position. I am so very proud of myself, and all of the actions that I have taken to get myself here. I am negative sometimes, but I am also respectful of the fact that I cannot always be negative.

Jake - you've been of the best friends that a person can ask for. Honestly. You've never given up on me, even when I've given up on myself. You've always been here for me no matter what I've needed. I know we've disagreed and that we've argued on some things. But regardless of all of that, you've been here to listen to me as I needed a friend to hear me out on certain things. You didn't agree with my decisions regarding Ryan, nor did you think that I should even feel that way about him. As has already been made clear here on my blog, you were very much right. Regardless, you still listened to me when I said that I was happy with him. You knew that he was just going to hurt me, but you still were happy that I was happy. At least I think that you were. You warned me of the games he was playing, but I refused to listen. Why, Jake, did I not listen to you? I am very happy to hear about you and Steph. I hope that things continue to go well for you both. May you both be happy with one another. Please know that you have been a great friend.

I'll end this entry here before the tears come flowing from my face.

Warm Regards,
Dustin

Thank You.

DR-B — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 02:20:17 GMT

Below is text from a message that I had written to my mother, one of the people who has made me the person that I am today. My friends and family are truly the people who matter the most to me. For without them, I would not be "me." I cannot express just how much my mom means to me. Not in a letter or in any other form. But at the very least, I try to make sure that she knows and understands how much I appreciate her. When is the last time that you've told your Mom how much she means to you? Perhaps she would enjoy reading a letter saying as much. Don't take anyone in your lives for granted. We're all here for a reason.
-----------------------------------------------

My Dearest Mother,

Where does one start when trying to express their deepest gratitude for the person known as their mother? One may purchase gifts. One may say I love you. One may take their mother out to dinner. One may purchase a beautiful teddy bear that he is sure that his mother will like, as he knows her love of teddy bears. He may do so very many things to show his gratitude for his mother. I, however, am going to do something different.

I am going to send you a message to tell you how much I love you, and how much I appreciate everything that you have done for me throughout my twenty-two years of life. You have always been here for me, no matter what has happened. And for that, I could not be any more grateful. Through struggles at work, and in times of trial, you've been here for me. Throughout failed relationships with men whom have hurt me more than anyone I've known, you've been here to offer your wisdom and your thoughts. You've been my shoulder to cry on so very many times. I happen to remember that time that I had broken down on Christmas Eve, you were there as I had tears flowing down my face so very freely. I couldn't stop crying, and you were there to hold me. It is true that life sometimes can be hard; but it is in those times when it gets difficult that I turn to you and your wisdom.

You've never been one to judge. Not me, nor anyone else. You've accepted me with open arms, no matter what I've told you in life. No matter what I've told you my decisions were. I know that you didn't always agree with the decisions that I've made, but not once have I felt as though you have judged me. We've spent so many minutes on the phone since I've moved out of yours and Dad's home, many minutes spent just talking and sometimes complaining, but most importantly, sharing. Sharing the important, and yes, not-so-important things in our lives. I am incredibly thankful for everything that we have shared, and everything you have taught me. You've taught me more than you will ever know. You've even taught me some things that, perhaps, you didn't even know you taught me. You've taught me how important it is to be generous, kind, thoughtful, caring, loving, and most importantly, forgiving. We all make mistakes; none of them are so bad that they are worth not being forgiven.

Many people claim to have the best Mom out there. But I can say with 100% certainty that they are wrong. For it is I who has the best Mom in the world. You're an incredible inspiration to me, and I am thankful to be able to call you my Mother. I love you, Mom. Thank you for everything that you have brought me. I know that saying "Thank You" will never be enough to show you just how thankful I truly am.

Sincerely,
Dustin

"Know what you want to do, hold the thought firmly, and do every day what should be done, and every sunset will see you that much nearer the goal.� ~ Elbert Hubbard

You F****d Up

DR-B — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 00:25:26 GMT

Wednesday, January 12, 2011 @ 06:07 PM

Dear _ _ _ _:

This message is in response to your recent text messages. You more than likely will not like what I have to say, so please be advised.

The moment I had seen a certain comment on your Facebook page, I grew extremely upset. Not so much at you, but at the simple fact that you weren�t able to tell me how you felt. I decided that I couldn�t see comments such as those every day, or even on a regular basis. You weren�t interested in me anymore, that was fine. But at least tell me about it. You chose to do the cowardly thing and not say a word. I don�t know what your line of thought was, but it hurt me deeply. I have yet to recover from the pain you have caused me. It�s as though every day I think of you, but why I haven�t a clue. I feel as though you took my heart from me (not once, but twice), and threw it out the window, with no regard for how I was feeling. It�s as though you put my heart under your car tires and drove away, without ever looking back. You just didn�t care.

The moment you told me that you were seeing someone, I was devastated as that meant that I could no longer be the man whom you had loved. That did hurt. But I was able to move past that. It would have been so much easier had you just told me, however. I digress; I�ve made my point very clear by now. I lost all respect for you, Mr. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. You hurt me, but you did it in such a way that it had a little effect on you � quite clever if you ask me. But then, reflecting on things, you had hurt me a lot. It wasn�t just then. It was in times prior, too. Not responding to my messages and washing that away by saying that you hadn�t received the messages. I cannot and will not say what truly happened, but something tells me that is quite a large falsification of the facts.

At this point in time, I have no respect for you, _ _ _ _. I gave you everything that I had. I tried so very hard. Whether or not it was good enough, I cannot say. I can only say that I am the person that I am. I will admit that I have grown a lot as a person because of what you have taught me and what you have told me. Thank you so very much for everything that you have brought me. And yet at the same time, I have placed a wall around my heart. A wall that is so heavily guarded that I don�t know if the nicest of people will ever be able to have all of my heart. You�ve changed me in good ways and in bad. I don�t regret anything that our friendship brought either of us. And trust me when I say that I realize it was only a friendship. You had no intentions of it being anymore than that, that is very clear to me now.

So go forth, _ _ _ _. Find the man, or perhaps you have, who makes you happy. But please don�t expect me to respond to your messages within ten to fifteen minutes of you sending them. And please don�t expect that I respond to them within 24 hours, even. I will respond when and If I have time. You no longer have the right to expect that I respond in a prompt manner. I�m no longer here in the way that I was in the past. Yes, I removed you from Facebook. We can �talk�, but no longer in the same way as we had in the past.

Sincerely Yours,
Dustin

Dustin | Staff Accountant | {Undisclosed Organization Name} | {Undisclosed e-Mail Address}

Hope. Honor. Integrity. Inspiration. Love. Peace.

2011 Goals and Changes

DR-B — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 14:15:52 GMT

Reflection. Reflection is something that I do very often - I reflect upon my life, and everything in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I reflect a little bit too much on things; over-analyze, if you will. I could spend hours analyzing how my year 2010 went, but I won't. Instead, I will highlight a few of the areas that struck me the most.

I am still employed. I find this to be very encouraging, and a very good thing for me. I am extremely thankful to still be in a full-time position, earning a salary that is allowing me to live comfortably. Perhaps not as luxuriously as I would like to be living, but there is still a lot of time to come for that.

I am without a life partner. The night before New Year's Eve (December 30, 2010), I finally confronted the man whom I thought I would be partners with regarding a comment I had seen on his Facebook comment ("Aww, I'm sorry stud. I will bring you some soup....hugs ;)) -- His initial comment was that he was sick from a restaurant's food. Anyway -- moving right along. I told him that I wish he would have been honest with me from the beginning, and wished he would have told me that he wasn't interested in me. He didn't have the courage to tell me, he said. Regardless - I will change the way that I approach men in the future. I will withhold my feelings from them, until I am certain that we both feel the same way about one another.

2011 Goals and Changes
Personal Goals / Changes
1. Enroll in College - For years now, I have been wanting to return to school. I only graduated from Minneapolis Business College in 2007, however, I immediately realized the need to return to school. You see - an Associate in Applied Science degree is simply not enough to make further changes to one's life. It is my goal to, by December 31, 2011, be enrolled in a college in order to start making my way towards a Bachelor in Science Degree in Accounting. How will I achieve this goal? I have sent an e-mail to the admissions representative this evening, requesting further information how to enroll. I have already received information on which credits will transfer in to their curriculum. Additionally, further goals including earning a Master's degree in Accounting. I would like to know and understand as much about Accounting as is possible.

2. Secure a Comfortable, Romantic Relationship - being alone is something that not all of us want. In fact, I don't know that many people do want that. I, for one, am not one of those people who wants to be alone. I would like to find a man who is willing to take care of me, and someone whom I would like to take care of in return. Honesty. Integrity. Hope. Inspiration. Love. Honor. These are the many things that I look for in a guy, and something that I hold very dear to my heart. If any of you find me being untrue to those values and virtues, I ask that you bring it to my attention. For if I cannot follow my own values and beliefs, how on Earth can I expect that anyone else will? So what am I doing to ensure that this second goal of mine happens? Well, for starters, I have created more online profiles, which I don't really care to do. Secondly, I will start going out to more events, whether it be alone or with friends, to start meeting people. And if anyone knows of anybody that falls into the criteria listed above, feel free to let me know. I'm always interested in meeting new people, even if it means that we only end up being friends.

3. Become A Better Cook - You see, my friends, cooking is not something that I am currently good at. Since moving out of my parents' home back in November 2009, about the only thing that I have been eating is either frozen dinners, or packaged dinner. Not only is that unhealthy, it's just crazy. Cooking is a lot of fun, and something that I would really enjoy doing. What is my plan of action? I have purchased a cook book of 3 and 4 ingredient recipes, which I will need to start using religiously. Even if it is only two or three meals a week out of this book, that will help get me on the right track. Additionally, I did receive a five ingredient cook book from my Mother for Christmas, so that will also come in handy, and serve as a reminder of this goal.

4. Become A Better "Me" - what in the world do I mean by that? Well - those of you reading this message may not know this about me, but when it comes down to it, I can kind of be an ass. Forgive the language, but it's the honest truth. Mostly, I think that my family members see this more than anyone else. When I'm upset, I tend to get on their case about things, which truly isn't fair. I will need to find better ways of controlling my feelings and my reactions to things. I don't believe there really is a "plan of action" on this goal. I believe that it is something that comes to one as they get older. Perhaps it is part of the maturing process - I am not, and cannot, be certain.

Professional Goals / Changes
1. Continue Growing / Understanding - Since starting to work full time in Accounting on January 28, 2008, I have learned a lot about accounting, and more specifically about Education Finance. Education Finance is a completely different type of accounting than what I was used to from reading in textbooks, however it has definitely solidified the practices and procedures and ideas that I learned in college. My goal is to continue to work through the challenges that are placed before me at work, and to understand things to the best of my ability. Plan of Action: always ask questions of things that are not clear. Ask for help when something does not make sense - even if it means returning to the manager two to three times before fulling understanding what's happening.

There are so many more goals and changes that I am sure will come to me in the future, but for now, this is my list of the things that I would like to change and these are my goals for the New Year.

I hope and pray that you are all doing well. I hope that 2011 brings all wonderful things to each and every one of you.

Sincerely,
Dustin

Dustin | Staff Accountant | Undisclosed Company

Far Too Long (Again)

DR-B — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 17:44:11 GMT

It has, unfortunately, been a very long time since I have had a chance to write here on JustUsBoys.com - I hope that all of my past readers will continue to read my blog. With that said, perhaps this entry will create a new set of readers as well. Regardless of who may be reading my blog, I hope that you have all been doing well lately.

Things for me lately have been extremely stressful, as you probably could have guessed I was going to say. I have still been working more than fifty hours per week, sometimes near seventy hours. The part that upsets me most lately is the fact that my present manager's father is not doing very well, meaning that I will have to pick up on her work. Why is that, you ask? Because there are only three members on each service team - Client Service Manager (my manager), a Senior Staff Accountant (or Assistant Client Service Manager, depending), and a Staff Accountant (myself). The problem with this structure, in the sense of the role of leadership, is the fact that the Senior Staff Accountant on my team is a newer employee, meaning that she is not fully trained and cannot handle all of the responsibilities and duties of her job. Long story short, I have to pick up my manager's work whilst trying to train in the Senior Staff Accountant at the same time. It's getting to be extremely stressful for me, and I just am getting worn out emotionally because of all of this. I know that I say this with each and every blog entry that I write, but things just are the same as before. I love my job, I love what I do. I am thankful to be in an accounting position, where my degree is, right now. I cannot be anymore thankful and blessed with everything that has been placed before me.

With that said, a friend and I have been discussing the future with my current company. I have seen a copy of their budget for entering Calendar Year 2011, and it is not very pretty. In fact it is not pretty at all! At present, they are trying to make the salaried employees within the corporation (which is all employees but about four or five) work from their homes. While the employees have mixed feelings about working from home, and how it will impact them, I know first hand the reason that they are pushing this change. Because they are not financially stable. They need to reduce their expenditures in Calendar Year 2011 to make up for a shortfall in revenue, due to a loss of clients. Why the loss of all of these clients, you ask? The Charter school system (our target audience / client) is fully funded by the State and Federal governments. With recent news of higher hold-back percentages forced upon schools by these governments, our clients (mainly charter schools) simply do not have the cash to pay for the business services that we provide. Which makes a person in a position such as mine wonder - if services are done in-house at a school, would it not be more beneficial to obtain a job within one of those organizations . . . . The answer to that, would seem obvious. And it is one that I feel I am going to have to explore with all seriousness moving forward. Oh, and my thoughts about working from home are negative - I feel there are too any distractions around me to be able to work efficiently, and there are no ways of working effectively in an environment with no social interaction - just my thoughts, of course.

In other news, I recently moved. I had to move out of my old apartment (a one-bedroom apartment) on October 31, 2010, and I wasn't able to move into my new apartment (a two-bedroom apartment) until November 01, 2010. So, I was effectively homeless for one evening. Well I guess that's not really true as I did spend the night at my Grandmother's house. But in all reality, I was homeless for just that one evening. The main reason that I had moved was to accommodate the whole "working from home" requirement set forth by my corporation. The thought was (originally) that we would all be set to work from home on November 01, 2010, but that, obviously didn't work out. Regardless, I am ready for the change (sort of) when that day comes. Allow me to explain what I mean. I have purchased a nice desk to work at, and that has been put together in my second bedroom, effectively the office. I try not to take too much work home with me right now, but from time to time I have to.

I have to look into returning to school here school as well. One of my friends has really been kicking my a** to do that, but I haven't done much in terms of following-up with colleges and Universities. I just haven't the time right now for that - with working 50 - 70 hours per week. It gets very difficult. Hell I haven't even had time to write a blog here since September - that's two months ago! It's simply amazing - how unfair time is and can be. Thanksgiving has already passed us by, and soon the Holidays will be here. I haven't even a clue what I would like for Christmas this year. Ok - so perhaps that last statement is a bit of an untruth. There is one thing that I would like for Christmas this year. And that is to spend time with a man whom I can not get off of my mind. He means the world to me, but I fear that I do not mean the world to him. It's just another one of those, "I would rather be friends" situations. Then again, he has never been good about telling me how he really feels about me, so I never know what to think. His birthday is next Wednesday, and I do not know if I will be able to see him or not, which completely breaks my heart. I highly doubt there is any chance that I can get the day off on such short notice. And even if I were able to do that, I am not sure that he would even want to spend that time with me - I don't know what his plans for the day are.

The man whom I am speaking about is the same man whom I wrote about in my past entries here on JustUsBoys. A lot has happened in the past several months between the two of us. I cannot recall when it was, but he had told me a lot of information regarding his current situation, which shed a lot of light on many things, to be completely honest. This is the first weekend in three weeks that we will not be able to spend time with one another, and I am seriously ready to cry. :cry: He has come to mean a hell of a lot to me, honestly. We have gone to the Mill City Museum, and he has introduced me to some of his friends now. I do not know what his plans for this weekend, other than that they were not with me. I haven't spoken with him since Thanksgiving day, when I expressed my deep gratitude and thankfulness in having him in my life. I have been afraid to ask him what he's doing, as I don't want that to stem an issue of distrust between the two of us. That is presently something that is happening in the relationship between my mother and father, and it does scare me.

I had spoken with my mother on Tuesday evening, and I knew that something was wrong. Being the mother that she is, trying to always protect me, she wouldn't tell me what was bothering her and what the truth about everything was. Regardless, I pushed her, telling her that I know something is wrong. I mean, I can hear in her voice that something is wrong. All I can openly share is that there is an issue of trust within their relationship, and it does scare me for what this man that I am speaking about and I may be going through. I don't know if I can fully trust him - I don't know if I should even be worried about that right now, to be honest. I mean, neither of us have declared that we are truly 'boyfriends,' 'partners,' or whatever term you prefer. Regardless, it does scare me that he might be out meeting other people, not even thinking about me.

As I posted on my Facebook account, I will be having a "Dustin" day - no work, other than the necessary chores that need to be completed. For once, I am not going to work on this not-so-beautiful Saturday. It's only nineteen degrees outside right now here in Eagan, Minnesota - BRR! Was already out in it once to get a few small items of shopping done. I will be staying in the rest of the day / evening, I believe.

Well I really should end this blog entry here. I have laundry to attend to. Have to hang all of my dress clothes up as soon as possible, as they will wrinkle otherwise, which we, of course, don't want. May you all be blessed today and everyday. Don't hesitate to write a comment or two, and share your thoughts. I always enjoy hearing from my wonderful readers. Have a beautiful day today.

Sincerely,
Dustin

DJR
11.27.2010 @ 11:44 AM

Too Focused?

DR-B — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 21:19:44 GMT

Blog Song 09.25.10 - Love of My Life by Jim Brickman

"You are a little too focused on your work, career, or the daily grind at the moment. There is money coming, but you are acting like you are terrified the world will come to a halt if your fingers are not worn down to the nubs. Take a break, will you?"
The above text comes from my horoscope for yesterday (Leo - 09.24.2010). When I had read the text last evening, I couldn't believe just how accurate and correct it had been. For I have been working very long hours lately, and I have focused nearly everything that I have on my work and my career. My days have gotten longer, and time for myself has gotten shorter. Below is a recap of my working hours for the past four weeks.

DR - Summary of Hours Worked
August 30, 2010 - September 24, 2010
08.30.10 - 09.05.10: 62.00 Hours
09.06.10 - 09.12.10: 60.50 Hours
09.13.10 - 09.19.10: 64.75 Hours
09.20.10 - 09.26.10: 60.00 Hours*

Needless to say, I have been somewhat stressed out as of late. My family members and even my friends are sensing an extreme sense of depression within me, which is quite unfortunate. There may be several factors for these feelings of depression, however, work is not the only cause. I have been taking Minocycline for the past several months in order to treat my acne. My doctor prescribed that to me way back in June. I was speaking with someone who heard that can also be a source of depression. I don't recall seeing that on the list of side effects for this medication, though I believe that anything is possible. It's difficult to take this medication as it says that I need to wait two to three hours before eating anything. That's absolutely crazy and entirely impossible in some situations. When I enter my home at about 07:30 PM in the evening, the last thing I am thinking about is staying up until 11:00 PM just so that I can take my medication. After being awake at 04:15 AM every day, I think that I have had enough. Working twelve to fourteen hours a day is stressful, and part of the reason that taking this medication is sometimes near impossible.

Lately I have just been stressed out to be honest (as I mentioned earlier, I know). Working such long hours throughout the day gets to be extremely difficult. And pressing. I cannot believe just how much I have been working, but in a way I am okay with that. Granted I don't wish to discuss that fact with my employer. I mean - I am on a salary, I understand that they are going to pass along some of these tasks to us. And in all honesty, I have very little semblance of a life, so it is viewed as somewhat okay that I am working these hours. But at the same time, I get a little bit tired of knowing that I have to work 60 hours a week or more. I know - that's kind of hypocritical of me, isn't it? Saying one thing and then just changing my mind to say something else. Perhaps hypocritical isn't the correct word - contradictory may be a more adequate word for my situation. Regardless, I have mixed feelings about working that much. It's good for me, yet at the same time it's wearing on my mind. So that's where I stand on that - nowhere, really.

I am getting very worried about my move coming up here in November. I never really did see the unit that I am going to be renting, therefore I am not certain as to how nice it is going to be, or if it is going to even be nice at all. They showed me a model version of the apartment that I would be renting, but as one of my co-workers said to me they can make that look however they wish to. I am hoping and praying that everything turns out alright in the end. We will have to wait and see in November how everything goes. I am not anywhere close to being ready to move. Nothing is packed as yet, and I am not looking forward to the move in the least. I have been so incredibly stressed out lately, that I haven't even had a chance to think about moving!

Adding to my stress this past week was a letter that I had received from my current management of my apartment. The letter read as follows.

{{Management Company}}

{Apartment #}

Hi

As of today our records show that as of today we have not received your rent payment for September. Please have it upstairs by Thursday Suit 300

Sincerely
Management
Firstly, they didn't even bother to put the date on the letter, so how am I supposed to know when that letter is from? Secondly, they spelled "Suite" incorrectly, reducing the credibility of the company / building. That's just how I look at it, and in the end it doesn't really matter how I look at it, because I will not be there for too much longer. Anyway - - I did pay the rent, and my bank account confirmed such. I printed a copy of the check out, made a copy of their letter, wrote a nasty letter of my own, and gave them a copy of all of my documents. Needless to say, I am thankful to be moving out in November. Hopefully I won't run into similar issues with my next apartment complex. That was incredibly stupid.

Regarding my relationships, . . . there aren't any. I had thought that I was going to be in a relationship with the man whom I had met back in November of last year, but that's just not working out at all. He's never been here for me in ways that I needed him to be, therefore I think it's time that I move on. I can send a text message, and this man won't respond for about ten minutes or so. Granted, I understand that people get busy throughout their daily lives, but when you start the conversation, you should at least have the time enough to speak with a person. Forgive me if I am asking for too much in that, but honestly, I don't feel as if I am asking for too much. I can tell him to have a great day and that I hope that he has been doing well and he will respond with a simple, 'U2'. Put some effort into it, I mean come on! I just don't understand. I thought that I had loved him, and I firmly believe with all of my heart that I did at one point love him. But now I see that he is clearly no longer interested in me as I am interested in him. It's incredibly difficult for me to meet men, most certainly due to the fact that I have been working so much lately. And also due to the fact that I am incredibly shy and apprehensive (and recently un-trusting) of others.

I had best end this blog here; it's getting quite long. Laundry's going that I should attend to.

Have a nice day, and take care!
Dustin

* = This working week has not been completed yet. There may be additional hours to record to the week. Only an estimate as of 09.25.10.

I'm Sorry, But It's Over

DR-B — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 00:34:43 GMT

I hadn't heard from him in over one week. Things did not go well the last time that I had heard from him. I sent him a text message two separate times with no response either time. I assumed that things were over. I had entered the mourning process in order to get over him. And then the unthinkable. The dumb son-of-a-bitch sends me a text message the other evening. I think that my Grandmother is correct - he was stringing me along the entire time and I grew tired of his bullshit.

"The Unnamed Man" - "How have you been."

Dustin - "I've been fine, thanks. Working 65+ hour weeks and quite stressed out. You?"

"The Unnamed Man" - "About the same, busy busy."

Dustin - "Yeah, you always were rather busy. Have things slowed down for you at all at work or not really?"

"The Unnamed Man" - "A little, not much tho."

Dustin - "Well hopefully soon things will slow down for you. My Assistant Client Service Manager and I upset our Client Service Manager due to a lack of communication, or so she says. Such a bunch of bullshit but I cannot do anything. I couldn't say anything that wouldn't blame the ACSM."

Dustin - "I have to be awake rather early, therefore I am going to go to bed."

That is how the conversation from Wednesday went. And yes, I recall the entire conversation very clearly. Why? Because it is, perhaps, the very last conversation that we will ever have with one another. I had removed this person from my life nearly entirely before I had heard from him again on Wednesday (July 28 ). I assumed that things were over between the two of us, if there was ever something to begin with. I don't know what to feel or how to feel about this man, now. In many ways I am very angry that he has even contacted me in the first place. Especially since he ignored two of my prior messages to him - that's what pisses me off the most. I firmly believe that he was with another man / men when he wasn't communicating with me. Why else would it have taken him so long to send me a message. And why did he not say anything else after I had been speaking with him. It is obvious, though, that he was still thinking about me. But in what ways? Just to take my heart from my chest as he had before? To fuck around with my already sensitive mind? Not again - I have had enough of his bullshit. The evening that we met (two Saturday's ago now if I remember correctly), we only were together for about two hours and I have to say that it was very awkward. That's when I knew that things just weren't going to work. He and I are just two different people. I tried so very hard to show him that I loved him.

- Dustin
07/30/2010 @ 07:34 PM

Very Few Changes

DR-B — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 14:38:23 GMT

Dear JUB Members:

I have noticed very few changes in my personal life as the past few months have gone by me. Sure there are several changes, but nothing that is really important to mention.

I haven't been seeing the man whom I had written about on a very regular basis anymore. I am not sure what to think about the two of us, to be honest. A few of my co-workers have suggested, perhaps, that he is just a busy person. Which I understand wholeheartedly that he is. But where do I fit in his picture, then? I understand that he wants to be with his friends. I understand that he wants to be with those whom he cares about. But I care about him quite a bit as well. One thing that I may have failed to mention in the past is that he is currently living with his ex-boyfriend. Although I don't know if I can really call him that at this point. I'm not sure if they are truly ex-boyfriends or not to be honest. Part of me wants to say that this man is truly still attached to the other man. But from the way that this man is meeting others, I have to say that things don't seem to be going well, either. I even asked him, if you will recall from my prior blog, where he saw the two of us going. And he said that he felt as if there was a strong potential for more {than just a friendship.} What scares me, of course, is the fact that he is meeting other men at the same time that he is talking to me. I guess he has every right to do that, but I just feel so very protective of him, and I feel very strongly for this man. And he knows that. He has even told me in the past that things were not going very well between him and his 'ex-boyfriend.' He says he can hardly talk to him anymore. I shall just enjoy our friendship and see where it goes in the future.

I may have the opportunity to see him today, I will have to wait and see how everything works out. I guess he will be in Wisconsin today until mid-afternoon, returning here to Minnesota at about 4:00 PM. The original plan was meet at his place at about 4:00 PM, but then we realized that our plans might need to change. The museum we were interested in visiting closes at 5:00 PM, leaving very little time to get there in time after he gets here at 4:00. I will be awaiting his text message regarding what we will do today. Besides that, he's only going to be in town for about five hours. Perhaps even less.

Work continues to be as stressful as it always has been. I have still been working at least fifty (50) hours per week, and I see that becoming worse in the very near future. With June 30, 2010 ending Fiscal Year 2010 for our clients, that begins the busy season for my company. That means that we are going to be extremely busy with working on the financial documents and audit preparation schedules for our clients. It has been said that we will be expected work upwards of sixty (60) hours per week. I don't know how much more of this I can handle, however. I am getting so tired of working on a salaried rate, with very little appreciation for the work that I have been giving my company. There's hardly ever a mention of a "Thank You" for working a 55 hour week. It's like the work is expected of us. And if we truly are expected to be working sixty and seventy hours per week, then I am not certain that my job is worth it any longer. I am getting paid on a salary, and I am not receiving any overtime. That hardly seems fair to me. I mean, when I was working as an Assistant Accountant, I would work 50 - 60 hours on a regular basis as well, but at least I was getting paid time and one-half for any of my hours over forty. Now, I get paid one flat amount every paycheck, and it honestly sucks. I never should have agreed to that. And the worst part - I get paid at an even lower rate than I was before, excluding the overtime, of course. I made so much more as an Assistant Accountant than I am right now, actually about $3,000.00 more. That can make a huge difference on someone's budget.

But I should end this blog here. I hope that everyone is doing well. I miss many of the members who used to be regulars here on JUB. It seems as if we lose some great ones all the time. I guess people's lives change and they move on.

Take Care,
Dustin

I Cannot Make You Love Me

DR-B — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 01:27:30 GMT

Love wasn't supposed to be this difficult. Love wasn't supposed to be a challenge. Is what I am experiencing love? Until Thursday evening, I would have answered yes to that question. Today, however, I would answer that question much differently. Perhaps that's because I know this man's answer to my question. And perhaps it's because things have just changed altogether in many different areas in life. Whatever the reason, I know that I cannot make anyone love me. Nor would I want to make anyone love me. Love should come naturally to two individuals who are interested in a romantic relationship with one another.

I finally asked this man whom I had been seeing how he looked at us. I asked if he viewed us as friends, or if he viewed us as something more. Let me backtrack. I will share with you my entire text message to him, "I have really enjoyed getting to know you over these past few months, _ _ _ _, I am just wondering as to how you see us right now. Do you view us as friends, or do you view us as something more than that. Do you see things going somewhere in terms of a relationship? . . . . " His response was somewhat meaningless, I felt. I don't mean that in entirety, but I feel as if his response was not very genuine, nor did it make me feel very good about what we are at present. He said, "I see us right now as good friends with a strong potential to lead to more." Pardon me for saying this, but what the fuck does that mean? STRONG POTENTIAL - I mean, please. Do you want to be with me or not, God damn it? Perhaps that is the question that I should have asked him to begin with, I don't know. As I said, I cannot make someone love me. All I can do is be the man that I am. I can love him without actually telling him that I love him, although that will be incredibly difficult.

The only thing that I have not done with this man is tell him those three words. Other than that, I have completely fallen for him. I don't know how I am going to deal with losing him, should that happen. I have already allowed myself to get far too involved. I told myself that I would not allow that to happen, most especially given what had happen to me prior to this man entering my life. I was somewhat happy before he stepped into my life, and then things just completely changed. He's all that I think about if I am being completely honest with you. First thought upon waking up, and last thought upon falling to sleep in the evenings. I thought that he had felt the same way about me, but I guess that I was wrong. I don't know how I am supposed to feel about the two of us right now if I am being completely honest with you, and I think that he likes it that way.

I may be taking a vacation in July, and then again, I may not. My direct supervisor has approved the vacation, but I am still awaiting approval from the company's president, my other manager for all intents and purposes. I hadn't thought about getting her signature until one of the Senior Staff Accountants in the office asked me if I had run that by _ _ _ _ _. I said, "No, I hadn't done that." And in all honesty, she wasn't even there to approve the vacation; oddly enough, she is on vacation herself. I may have to wait until Tuesday or Wednesday until I hear back about that vacation. If my vacation is denied, however, I may step away from my responsibilities from that company, and move on to another. I have been there nearly 2.5 years now, and they have taken advantage of me far too long. I have plenty of vacation hours stored up because I never take vacations. Now I am requesting a vacation and may not be able to take one. Needless to say, I am very much saddened this weekend.

I started to get a cold on Thursday evening. I was coughing for much of the day yesterday, and throughout the night when I was trying to sleep. These past few days and weeks have been somewhat challenging. Work seems to just go spiraling each time I think about it, and I don't know how to keep things under control anymore. I am still working about 50 - 60 hours per week, and nobody even seems to notice that; I don't know how they can't. I am at the office when everyone else arrives, and I am still sitting at my desk as everyone leaves for the night. One day one of the managers asked me the question, "Did you sleep here last night?!" I thought that was rather funny. And now it seems to be a running joke within the company. "So Dustin, are you going to spend the night here tonight? Just pull your cot out from behind your desk again?"

I should end this entry here. Here's to hoping that everyone is doing well.

Sincerely,
Dustin

Call It What You May

DR-B — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 01:05:45 GMT

Many of you, my dearest readers, may know what to call what I am experiencing. For me, on the other hand, I don't have a clue as to what I am going through at present. I don't know how I am supposed to feel, and I don't really know what I am going through right now. So please bear with me as this next entry will be quite difficult to follow, I believe.

I am still referring, of course, to the man whom I had been speaking about in my prior entries. The man whom I have been calling, "him," or "he." I don't wish to use his name, as I feel that would be a violation of his privacy. Most especially at this point. I still haven't really been able to get over the fact that he is living with his old partner. I guess he shouldn't really even be considered his 'old' partner at this point. As far as I know, this other man still is 'his' partner. That is one of the biggest things that I cannot get over at this point in time. And it is one of the biggest things that has been bothering me. Why would he still be living with this man if they are in the process of ending a relationship? "I am in the process of ending a relationship with him..." "...It's basically a divorce." I guess I can understand the way that he is feeling right now, but what I cannot understand is all of the emotional pain that he is putting me through. Does he want to get to know me as a partner? As a lover? Or does he want to get to know me as a friend?

From as much as I can gather about this man, I have made a conclusion, at least for now, that he is interested in me as a partner, and not simply as a friend. But how in the world to I know what this other man is thinking? You're absolutely correct - I cannot possibly know what another person is thinking. I have drawn my conclusion on several different things. 1) When we had first met, this man had asked me about the past relationships that I had been in, if any. 2) This man had shared a quote with me regarding what one of his friends had defined 'love' as. 3) On one of our first meetings, this man had said that he would have given me a peck on the cheek had he known that I was not going to bite him. (That's more of an inside joke than anything else) 4) On a different occasion, after we had dinner with one another, this man had said to me, "I am going to give you a hug now." And he did just that. I didn't want it to end, and was so incredibly sad when it did end. 5) This man continues to call me names such as, "Cutie," and "Gorgeous," and I continue to call him "Handsome." 6) This man sends me a text message nearly every day.

With all of the things that I have mentioned above, it would seem fairly obvious, wouldn't it, that this man is interested in me? In a way that suggests that he is more than a friend? Or is that simply my own opinion about the subject at hand? Any advice that my readers have, or any opinions that you have to share (good or bad) are certainly appreciated.

What confuses me, however, and what I truly do not understand about this man is why he has never said what we are. Does he feel that he does not need to? Does he feel that he would be hurting his own current partner if he were to tell me how he felt about me? I just truly do not understand that part about him. When I tell him some things about the way that I feel about him, my comments are often ignored and the subject is changed. But it is alright for him to say certain things about me?! I just don't really understand that. He had done something recently too that had hurt me. I sent him one of the most sensitive/personal text messages that I had ever sent him on Thursday evening. I never did get a return text back from him until 5:55 AM on Friday evening, saying that he apologized, and that his phone had died, and that he got the message in the morning. Well what in the world does that say? That doesn't tell me much of anything. And something else that confuses me is that, more often than not, our conversations (via text message) are often just ended, without either of us saying Good Night.

Regardless of the many things that confuse me about this man, and the things that have hurt me, I still think about this man constantly, and I still wish that he could be here with me more often. And to spend more time with me. Regardless of how much I may be confused, and how much I may not understand about how this man works, I do understand that I cannot get him off of my mind. Today he had to go back home to the state of Wisconsin for his Grandmother's funeral. I had felt so very badly for him when he had told me about the funeral - I was only slightly familiar that his Grandmother was ill. When we went to a restaurant to eat dinner one evening, he had told me that she wasn't doing well. That was about one month ago, however, and I hadn't heard anything until last evening. I just wish that I could be with 'him', to comfort 'him'. But alas, I cannot be with 'him'. It looked as if his current partner has been active on Facebook today, meaning that he more than likely did not attend the funeral services with 'him.' I don't know about 'him', but I would be lost without my Grandmother. She means the world to me.

What do you think? Enough rambling about a man whom I will probably never get the opportunity to know on any other basis than a friend? Yeah, probably so.

Take Care,
Dustin

How Am I Supposed To Feel?

DR-B — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 01:29:24 GMT

It was a simple question. I could have asked him at any time. I didn't feel that the question was necessary, however. He made me feel incredibly happy, why would he say that to another man? Why would he say those words to anyone other than me? "Are you seeing someone else." That is the question that I should have asked him.

After I had written my last blog entry on Sunday, March 14, I had a chance to catch up with the man whom I had been writing about, the man whom I have been thinking about constantly these past several months. I never could have prepared myself for what he was going to tell me, however. It was just supposed to be another good day for the two of us. I was supposed to write nice things to him, and he was supposed to say nice things back. We did that for a while, until he shared something with me that, even now, scares me.

We had sent one another text messages in the morning, and we asked one another what our plans were for the day. He told me that he was headed to the Science Museum of Minnesota. I said that it should be fun. I had been to the Science Museum several times, but not lately. We shared a few random text messages throughout the day, mostly random messages about Lady Gaga and her fame/popularity. It was actually a rather strange conversation if I am being completely honest with you. But all of that is beside the point.

When we sent one another text messages in the evening, I found out that this man is currently in the process of ending a six year relationship with his partner. Just what in the hell does that mean, anyway? "In the process of ending a relationship." I am not going to disclose all of the details of his current relationship, because I think that would be quite unfair to this person. Even saying that he was in a relationship at all and sharing that with all of you may be overstepping my bounds, I don't know for certain. What I do know for sure, though, is that I am very much confused right now. I wish that this man would simply tell me what I am to him. Am I a friend? Am I something else to him? Does he wish for things to go further? I am very much confused as to how I need to feel right now, and how I should feel. I know that none of my readers can answer that question, as all of us would probably feel differently.

In many ways, I do feel hurt. Because I feel as if I am the person whom the man that I feel strongly for is running to. While in many ways I should probably be honored that he runs to me, I am no longer certain that he is running to me for all the right reasons. Does he love me? Does he want to spend more time with me? I feel hurt because I feel as if I was his escape. His way out of the relationship that he is in right now. Well, "in the process of ending," sounds like bullshit if you ask me. I am a little bit hurt, and I am very much afraid of what the future will bring for the two of us. Now that he has shared that information with me, will he no longer want anything to do with me? I guess I might be able to find that out tomorrow evening when we have dinner with one another.

I received a text message from this very same man on Monday evening, shortly after the work day had ended. My days have been ending at about 5:00 lately, but I do sometimes bring work home with me. I know, I know, I am not supposed to be doing that. But now that I am a Staff Accountant, I feel that it is necessary. It was about 5:25 PM, and I was still on my way home from the office when I received the message. It said, "We should get dinner some night this week." I didn't know how to answer that as I was somewhat pissed off at him at the time. I agreed to dinner and we settled on 6:00 PM tomorrow evening (Thursday, March 18 ). Hopefully I can make it there by 6:00 PM, but if not, all well. I don't really care. I have not a clue as to what will be discussed tomorrow, and I am honestly very much nervous for what may be discussed. I have so very little to say to this many at this point. I need for him to be the one to tell me what is going to happen.

---

My new car is running just fine, and I haven't had any problems with that . . . yet! I am sure that the day will come when I have to get that car fixed as well. Just the same as my last car. It's like I told my Mom, a car is just a piece of metal. This one just happened to cost me about $19,000.00 total. It's a great car, don't get me wrong. I do like it. I just do not like the payments that I need to make on that stupid thing every month. And it was hard to put that much money down on the car. It's only something to get me from Point A to Point B! I am sure that Mom is somewhat worried about me now, most especially after the messages that I sent her. They were just full of words that would bring a person down. I gotta stop doing that to the poor woman. She worries about me too much already, I don't need her to worry about me even more. Things are just extremely difficult for me right now.

I started working as a Staff Accountant on Monday, and I am extremely busy right now. One might argue that that was going to happen, and yes, I should have been prepared for it. But sadly I wasn't prepared for all of the other stuff that was going to happen too. Meetings here there and everywhere! It's just quite crazy at the office right now, and I am very much stressed out. Very much stressed out, and very much frustrated tonight. This evening was the first evening that I wanted to bring my laptop home with me to see if it would work at my apartment. Well guess what. The stupid thing doesn't work! I wasn't able to access the Remote Desktop that I need to in order to connect to our server at work. I was very much frustrated. I wanted to throw my computer out the window. Thank goodness I had enough restraint and did not do that. But I was definitely ready to. I do know that I shouldn't bring work home with me, but I don't want to get as far behind as I was when I was an Assistant Accountant. That just got to be too much. And I don't know what else to do. I don't want to become like the man whom I have been writing about; I don't want to work my life away. But then again, I haven't really got much else to do, have I? Especially if I don't have a man to take care of and to think about. Why not just work? Working makes me happy, even if it does make me mad. It makes me be able to do something that I know needs to get done. But then the company takes advantage of that and I get screwed in the end. But such is life.

I will be headed to my Grandmother's house again this weekend. I understand that she is going to have a family get-together on Sunday afternoon as she will be leaving for Arizona the weekend after this. Thought ought to be interesting. Grandma and I had an argument regarding the person whom I have been writing about lately the other evening, and we haven't spoken since then. She and I don't agree about several things. Work, men, and relationships are a few of them. She feels that 'he' is too old for me. Age is just a number, in my eyes. But she feels that I should, "be with someone younger, like your own age." Yeah, well the people my age are about as mature as a two-year old! I know, not all of them are. But I am happy with this man, why can that not be good enough for her? Why can nothing that I do be good for her? Maybe my standards are too low, I don't know. But I'll be damned if I am going to let her tell me that his man is too "old" for me. He's not that much older, besides.

I need to end this entry here before I fall apart completely. I hope that you are all doing well. Thanks for reading, if you've taken the time to do so. It means a lot to me.

Take Care,
Dustin

I Think I'm Falling . . .

DR-B — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 22:46:06 GMT

"I think that I am falling. Will you be here to catch me, should I happen to fall? Please catch me."

I fear that I may be falling for the person whom I have been referring to as "him" throughout many of my blogs. My reaction to such feelings for him? Exactly as I said earlier. Fear. I have never known what a real relationship was/is. I will most likely never know what a real relationship is. Before this man had walked into my life, I had no intention of meeting another person; I was going to try and just live out my life to the fullest as best I knew how. I had planned on going back to school, earning at least my Bachelor's degree in accounting, and then I would start looking for a man who would make me happy. Now I don't know what in the world is happening! Are we more than friends? Are we simply friends? What do I want? What does he want? There are several questions that I need to answer at this point in my life.

There are several things that I know for certain right now. I know that I am incredibly happy when I am around this person. I know that he makes me smile uncontrollably. I know that he makes me feel so very wonderful about who I am, and about all of my goals in life. I feel that he understands me and is willing to understand me more than anyone else is. He doesn't push me away. I know that the second I leave him from whatever we may have been doing, that's when I miss his voice. I miss being able to look at him. I miss hearing his most wonderful voice as quickly as I had stepped away from him. I miss looking into his eyes. I know that I don't want to let him go . . . .

I think about this man a lot. It makes me worry about how much I think about him, to be completely honest. I have so very many questions. Is it normal for me to think that way about a man? Should he really be the first thought that I have upon waking up in the morning? Is it alright that he is my last thought as I lie myself down for bed in the evening? Is it weird or strange that I like to think of him having his arms wrapped around me? Is it stupid for me to think about him on my lunch break? Is it weird for me to feel something for him despite the fact that we've only known one another for about four or five months? Is it weird to want to be more than just friends? Is it silly that I wish to see the name, "****" when I look at my cell phone, hoping that it is 'him'? Call me rude, but he's actually the only person whom I wish to hear from. Most especially after a long day at work. I look forward to his messages.

I think that I might be falling for him, and I really don't know how to handle that at all. If he's just a friend to me, then I don't feel that it is normal to have these strong feelings. But I don't know where the two of us stand. Why don't I just ask him where we stand? Because I'm afraid of being hurt yet again. And I don't really want to tell him that I would like to be more than friends if he doesn't feel the same way. He's about seven years older than I, and I don't know that he really has an interest in younger men. He's expressed an interest in older men int he past, so that's what tells me (in part) that we are simply friends. He tells me things that confuse me, such as, "Well I would hold you until you fell asleep if I were there. lol." If he hadn't said the, "lol," part of that, I would have believed him. (LOL = Laugh Out Loud). That same night he had said to me, "I would catch you, lol." Again with the "LOL." I don't recall what was discussed during that conversation, but I think I said something along the lines of, "Yeah, somebody could push me and I would fall over." To which he responded with the above statement regarding catching me.

I really wish he would stop saying things that make me wonder what in the Hell he wants from me.

-----

This weekend has been a kind of difficult weekend for me. I got a new car this weekend, my Grandmother's old car. It was difficult for me, though, because that put me several thousand dollars in debt. I went from having no debt whatsoever to having over $10,000.00 in debt in one day. It's not very difficult to do - just buy a car! I needed a new vehicle as I was having several problems with my prior car. There were so many electrical problems with my old car that it wasn't funny. I am sure that I will be able to rely upon this car, but I fear that I will be paying off this car for the next 5 years! It's going to be challenge for me, especially due to the fact that both my rent check as well as my check for my car loan will be due at the same time of the month. I'll have to stretch the cash until the end of the month to make things work. So it will be difficult. But we'll see how that goes.

Sincerely,
Dustin

Use Caution

DR-B — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 17:56:41 GMT

As I walk on my journey in life, there are two words that I constantly say to myself, though it is often just in the back of my mind. Those two words, "Use Caution" have slipped further and further away from me lately, though, and I now see the need to use those words again.

Last weekend was quite similar to most of my weekends. As of late, I haven't really been doing much besides going to my Grandmother's house and spending time with her. I have so very few friends in life, and I can hardly handle it anymore. Grandma is about the only person whom I can talk to about things in my life. The relationship between my Mother and I has just changed too much since leaving her home back in November. We're quite disconnected at this point. I love Mom with all of my heart, don't get me wrong. Anyway - I am getting off track; that wasn't part of my thoughts.

Last weekend I was hurt quite badly by a man whom I though no longer existed in ways that he apparently did. I had a friend visit me last weekend whom I hadn't seen since we were in Junior High School. I believe that I had written a blog about this man a while back. Not the man whom I am currently seeing, but another man whom I had known from Junior High School. He had asked if he could visit me, and I reluctantly (at first) agreed. It turns out that he wanted to visit me for reasons other than just seeing me again. He wanted things to go further than just talking and watching TV. The part that tears me apart inside is that I think I did too. I need to say a few things about the way that I feel about sex and other such things.

When it comes to sex, I feel that it is only meant to be shared between two people who have a deep connection with one another. Take that to mean whatever you will. It can be two close friends, or it can be lovers, or partners, or whathaveyou. Regardless, I feel that it should only be shared between two people who have a strong connection with another. Not two people simply having sex for the sake of having sex. With that said, I know that some of you will judge me for having those feelings, and I know that not all of you agree with me. That's completely alright, in my opinion. I understand that we don't all share the same thoughts on sex.

Things were taken into my bedroom, and at that point I was scared, naive, and stupid. I allowed this man to do things to me that I would never have allowed anyone else to do to me. I WAS FUCKING STUPID TO HAVE ALLOWED HIM TO ENTER MY HOME. I guess I am just like the rest of the men whom I say that I am not like. I am a hypocrite to say the very least. "Sex should be shared between two people that have a deep connection." Then what the Hell did I just do last weekend? I ruined 1) my reputation and 2) my moral values. I told him that everything that we were doing went against my moral values, yet I continued to do it anyway. I continued to allow him to do these things to me. I cannot make it sound like this man was a monster, for truly he was not. He had asked me at several points throughout the night, "Are you alright?" It wasn't as if I didn't have the opportunity to tell him, "No, I'm not alright - you need to leave," for I did have that opportunity several times. I am very much embarrassed and disappointed in the person that showed his face on Sunday evening last. It was a difficult time in my life, and I fear that things are only getting worse. I am thankful that this man is on his way back to New Orleans as I write this, however. We may never speak with one another again, which would be OK with me. He hurt me quite a bit, while in other ways, he helped me. I am so confused as to how I need to feel right now.

He helped me because he did several things to me that evening that made me realize that I would like for my man to do this, or I don't want him to do that. I don't want my man to tell me that he has purchased condoms only to realize that he has left them in his car. MAKE THE TRIP DOWN TO YOUR CAR, THEN! I'M NOT GOING TO RUIN MY LIFE FOR YOU!! I would like for my man to hold me close in the evenings. Lately, about all I do is cry my nights away. I don't sleep much anymore, and it would be nice to be able to be held in a man's strong, comforting arms. This man held me in his arms Sunday evening, and I thoroughly enjoyed that.

_____________________________________

Throughout my blogs, I will continue to refer to "Him" as the person whom I met on a Web site on November 04, 2009. We've seen one another in real life several different times now, and we continue to text message one another on a very regular basis. I met with him last evening yet again. I received a text message on my cell phone from him yesterday during lunch hour, which I was quite surprised to see, and I responded back. He asked me, "Wanna grab a bit to eat tnite?" I keep his poor grammar usage in this context, for I feel that it's important to understand that about a person. I responded with a simple, "Certainly. Where were you thinkin'?" That only got a response of "Not sure yet." We ended up meeting at a nice restaurant in the area, and I am afraid that he had to wait for me for quite a while. I was lost. Thankfully, the man didn't run away, and he waited for me there. I felt so damn dumb yesterday. He bought me a beer, and I bought his dinner. I promised him last weekend that I would buy him lunch, and so I bought him dinner instead. He had told me that he was just kidding when he asked when I was going to buy him lunch, and I assured him that it was something that I wanted to do. I wouldn't mind if I had to buy him lunch/breakfast/dinner every day of the week.

I must use caution when thinking about this man, however. I have been hurt so very badly in the past, and I am afraid that my feelings are being magnified with my recent interaction with my 'friend.' I just don't know where "he" and I stand right now. I don't know if we are simply friends, which is what I think we are, or if we are more than that. He has said on numerous occasions that he would hold me at night if he were here with me. Well get you ass over here and hold me! I'm just confused right now, and I am still exercising quite a bit of caution. I'm just incredibly afraid of being hurt again. And I think I'm falling for "him" . . . . . .

I want to say thank you to all those who read 'Dustin's Journey' here on JustUsBoys. I'm thankful to have a place such as this to be able to express my thoughts with all of you, and I am thankful for the feedback that I receive.

A special thank you to dpnice, GL, stacyphierce, Scrub, BuddyBrutus, and Shepherd 2+, all of whom have left a comment at one point on my blogs. You are all reasons why I am here at JUB. Thank you for your support and your friendship. It means a lot to me. (*8*)

Best Wishes,
Dustin

Slipping Away

DR-B — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 01:41:13 GMT

As I mentioned in my previous blog, time does go by us so very, very quickly. Unfortunately I feel as if time has lost me yet again. It's been quite a while since I have last posted - please forgive me. Things have been quite interesting for me. I will share all of those details with you. Well not all of them, of course - you know what I mean!

A lot has changed since I last wrote here in my blog on JustUsBoys. Most especially in the area of my job. All of the staff members attended a mandatory meeting last Friday (February 12). I was made aware of that meeting quite early in the week, so I was quite prepared for it. What I wasn't prepared for, however, was getting a special request from one of our clients - meaning that I would have to be off-site for a period of time. I had to drop at a check off at their office. Wasn't ready for that - so I had to plan around that. I was ready to drop their check off with about 1.5 hours before the meeting, though, so things were good.

As I was stepping out of the office, one of my co-workers stopped me and said, "Don't go anywhere, M*** needs to see you." I thought to myself, "For what?!" At the same time, I was thinking to myself, "Oh s**t!" But I made my way into the conference room for what was a pleasant conversation with the owner of the company. I was offered a promotion on Friday morning. I accepted that promotion with open arms - I had been waiting for quite some time for that promotion, to be honest. Starting on March 22, 2010, I will be working as a Staff Accountant. It is a salaried position, but there is of course a downfall. Looking at the earnings that I had from last year, this will actually be a small decrease in revenue. I say that because I am no longer able to earn overtime. That will not be a good thing. Overall, though, it was ~ 12% increase in wages.

There were several other changes that were mentioned in the all-staff meeting from Friday as well. My company is restructuring yet again. There have been new positions created for several staff members, including an open position for a Client Service Manager. There were several other promotions within the company as well. Several Staff Accountants were promoted to the "Assistant Client Service Manager" position - these are all new positions that have been created due to an ever-increasing workload.

Things in my personal life haven't really changed all that much. I continue to see the person whom I had written about in my prior blogs from time to time, but I honestly feel that things are just at a 'friendship' level at this point in time. He's an incredibly sweet man, though - he even wished me a Happy Valentine's Day on Sunday. Only other person who wished me a Happy Valentine's Day was my mother. Which I do find to be a little bit . . . strange. I don't think Mom should do that anymore, but she does, and it makes her happy. Don't want to ruin Mom's happiness. This man and I met on Saturday morning for breakfast - he looked as good as ever, despite the fact that he had just woken up about half an hour earlier (as I learned throughout the meal). Things were much different in the beginning. He would always call me "Cute" and "Cutie." Now I can barely get him to send me a text message. He's constantly busy, which upsets me. I know that he's going back to school and all, but I really care for him. I fear that the feelings aren't reciprocated, however. I haven't heard from him since Sunday when he wished me a Happy Valentine's Day. Makes me kind of (very) sad.

I purchased a new desktop computer for myself with the money that I got back in taxes from 2009. I know - I probably shouldn't have done that, but I do need to think of myself from time to time. It is a great computer, but I don't care for the monitor all that much - it is a wide-screen monitor, and I feel that I can barely see anything. It doesn't do me very much good when I am trying to work on my cash register and my budget. I need more than 15 lines on the screen - my budget has several line items. This computer has tons of storage on it, which is something that I desired. I would really like to start taking more pictures. I really do regret not taking photography in high school. I really love photography. I have always received compliments about my pictures, which also makes me wish to continue taking them.

I feel as if I am constantly at someone else's house these days. I cannot stand to be alone, and lately that's all that I have been. Alone. On the weekends lately I have been going to my Grandmother's house. Last weekend I had planned on going to my parent's house until I received a text message from "him" on Friday morning at 7:08 AM. I hadn't told Mom and Dad that I planned on coming up, and it's probably a good thing that I hadn't. Instead, I went to my Grandmother's house after meeting with "him" on Saturday morning. Grandma is one of the people whom I feel most comfortable around with everything in my life, though there are some things that I don't feel I can speak with her about.

Depression is one of those things. She insists that I see someone about what I am going through. The trouble with that is, I don't feel very comfortable in sharing with a complete stranger my thoughts. They are my thoughts and nobody else's. I don't think that it matters to them what I am thinking. And it's not a depression where I think about hurting myself, it's just a sadness and loneliness that I feel. I ask that my readers not judge me for saying such things. Right now, I am just quite lonely. I wish for there to be a man at my side to hold me close. Even if only for one evening. I could never do anything to hurt myself, nor could I hurt another person. I've probably already spoken too many words for you all not to judge me. But I guess if you do judge me, I cannot stop you. Your thoughts are your thoughts, and my thoughts are my own. Work, Depression, and Men. Those are three things that are not good subjects with Grandma.

I say that men is not a good subject with Grandma for many reasons. She doesn't feel that "he" is in the 'right' age group for me. This man is 28 and I am 21. While I do understand that there are seven (7) years between us, I don't think that that should stop anyone from feeling something within their heart. And I do fear that I am falling for "him." I'll be damned if I don't think of him several times each and every day. But I don't know how he feels about me, to be completely honest. And that is actually what kills me. I don't want to text this man and make him think that I am crazy, or anything of that nature. But I do wish for him to know how I feel about him. And I thought that I had made that clear to him. I constantly would say to him (in response to the question, "How are you") I am feeling a lot better now that I've heard from]you. And the feelings seemed to have been dropped from there. I guess I will simply never understand the way that men work. Perhaps my mother is right. My mom had written me an e-mail a while ago with the following words in it, "As for you and ****, it's impossible to know what another person is thinking. Was he stringing you along in case he wanted to call you next? I don't know, and we never will."

I should end this blog entry here. I hope that you are all doing well. Take care of yourselves.

Have a great day.

Warmest Regards,
Dustin

Time...

DR-B — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 20:32:45 GMT

Time . . . it goes by so very quickly. My question is - where on Earth does it go? Many of us, myself included, get so very caught up with life that we seem to forget where all of our time is going and where it is being spent. While right now I do know where my time is going, I have a hard time believing that things in life are passing me by so very quickly. Day after day, week after week, month after month. Time has been going by so very quickly. Has anyone located an "Off" button? No? How about a "SLOW DOWN" button? No? Well then life must continue at its current pace.

A Note to my Blog Readers: today is Sunday, January 17, 2010. Unfortunately this means that it has been twenty-two (22) days since my last blog posting. I understand that this is quite a long time since I have last posted, and for that I must apologize. Things have been . . . changing . . . in my life lately, and I haven't had much time to focus on my writing. I have written for myself lately, in my own personal journal, but it's not necessarily stuff that I wish to be posted online, in such an open place as this. Surely you can all understand that. Some things are meant to remain private. And posting them here on "Dustin's Journey" wouldn't be all that private.

I am afraid that this blog will most likely reference mostly work and financial situations - something that most readers will probably not be able to appreciate. I'll do my best to make this blog entry interesting for anyone who wishes to continue reading.

Work has been getting quite challenging lately. I have been working more overtime than I had in the past, something that is now starting to get on my nerves. All of us, as Assistant Accountants have been working overtime since June of 2009. That's more than six (6) months ago. And that's far too long. The company allows overtime during the audit season (which normally runs from about July through October/November), but lately we have all been working overtime just to catch up with our daily responsibilities. And to make matters worse, we now have to work on W-9 forms - tax documents that are sent out to the vendors of our clients. Unfortunately the problem with that is that we were all behind from prior work - not including the new tasks for W-9 worksheets. Last Friday, all of the Assistant Accountants (except for one - she had an appointment after work), were there until 7:00 PM. MANDATORY OVERTIME. That's never fun, as we all know. Our manager has said that we will now all be expected to work overtime. Surprise, surprise. I don't mean that, of course. My problem with her statement was that we are already working overtime! I was in the office at about 5:45 most days last week, and I was there at 6:45 on Friday morning. My schedule is normally 7:30 until 4:00, but lately I have been there far more than 11 and 12 hours. It's just pretty hectic right now.

It doesn't look like I have budgeted very diligently in a few areas with the Calendar Year 2010 budget. Projected estimates have me at about 135% for a few line items within the budget. My revenues were also inaccurate this year. It looks as if I have overestimated the amount of income taxes that I will receive as a refund this year. I received my W-2 Form from my employer last week, and I quickly went onto Turbo Tax to figure out what the amount that I would receive as a refund would be. Yeah - it falls quite short of the budgeted amount on my revenue line. That will be quite difficult to deal with as far as my budget goes - I have to think of a way to earn more revenue. Whether it be another job, or simply working more of those overtime hours at work, I will need to find some way to earn more revenue to make up for that loss. I will not be able to afford rent if I do not reach 100% of each line of revenue that I have budgeted in Calendar Year 2010. This should be interesting.

Well I think that I will end this blog entry here. I hope that you are all doing well in 2010. Take care of yourselves.

Sincerely,
Dustin

Home for Christmas

DR-B — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 00:20:40 GMT

I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents under the tree
Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love light beams
I'll be home for Christmas
-- Excerpt from a Christmas carol, "I'll Be Home for Christmas."

With the word of a Winter storm warning that was coming toward us last Tuesday evening, I was not certain whether or not I would make it home for the holidays this year. That, of course, was not something that I wanted to happen, but I realized at the same time that maybe it would have to happen. When I had read the article that I shared with you all on Tuesday, I grew quite nervous about the weather myself. I had read that we could get anywhere from 12 - 20 inches of snow, and I honestly didn't want that - I couldn't have imagined driving in that much snow.

I received an e-mail from the owner of our company on Wednesday morning explaining to all staff that we would not need to report for work on Christmas Eve (Thursday, December 24th). The company normally lets its employees leave around 12:00 or 1:00 on Thursday anyway, and they did not feel that it was worth our time to make it into work through a terrible commute just to have to go through the same thing a few hours later. So we got Thursday off as well as Friday this year. He mentioned that this would, of course, not represent a permanent change in the company's policy of a short day on Christmas Eve. Which none of us expected that to change. We were just more than thankful to have received that day off - I didn't to travel in those crazy travel conditions. My Mother did have to work on Christmas Eve until about 12:00, however.

I called my Grandmother on Wednesday (December 23rd) and mentioned that I might come over that evening if she wanted some company as well as some help the next day. She of course said yes to both. I felt that it would be best if I were at least at Grandma's house in case something should happen with the weather. I know that Mom would have been more comfortable in my being there as well - at least she would know that I were safe. I called Mom shortly after talking with Grandma to let her know about my plans. That way she would know where I was at. I also needed to let her know that I had Christmas Eve off so that she wouldn't be looking for my telephone call later in the afternoon. I headed out to my Grandmother's house shortly after 7:00 and I was there just after about 8:00 - it wasn't the best time, but it wasn't the worst time, either. Traffic was not too heavy, but the snow was already starting to fall. The roads were pretty slushy and slippery by that time of night. We were supposed to get quite a bit of snow overnight and we did; I think that we received about six inches of snow on Wednesday evening.

Thursday I helped Grandma out quite a bit with the Christmas cooking and whatnot. We don't normally have a 'dinner' per se, but we do all get together and eat several appetizers and hors d'oeuvres. We had chicken wings, cheesy potatoes, chips with taco dip, Swedish meatballs, and of course - Christmas cookies! Grandma and I had a great time with one another. When I am with her, it is sometimes good and it is sometimes bad. But for the most part, we get along very well. She's always been the person whom I run to in life. Even before I go to Mom with some of my issues and/or problems, I find myself going to my Grandmother first. I don't know why that is - we have just always connected on such a wonderful level. I cannot explain how well we've always been able to connect, but I certainly know that it is true.

We had a most wonderful Christmas with my Mom's side of the family on Thursday evening. I got several gifts, which I was most thankful for. But more important than receiving the gifts, I was most thankful to be able to GIVE gifts this year. I have worried about my finances all year long, but I didn't want to worry about them during the holiday season - it is a time to give! And I did give to all those whom I love. I was most humbled that I received such wonderful gifts - I never expected all that I had received. Everybody spends more than what they say our limit for one another is. I don't understand that. Thursday evening didn't end all well, however. When I had gotten home, I realized that I forgot my bag of presents for my Mom, Dad, and Brother at my Grandma's house. We couldn't have Christmas without them. I needed to go back for them. My Mom said that she wouldn't let me return in the storm unless she was with me. I don't understand her logic in that, but she came along with me in the snowy drive back to Grandma's house to fetch the gifts. I understand that Christmas isn't supposed to be about the gifts - it is supposed to be about spending time with family. And it is about that, I feel. But I wanted to also be able to give something to my family on that most special day of the year - so I needed to return. I know many of my readers are probably thinking that I am rather crazy, but that's OK. I did what I had to do, and I am safe and sound now.

Traditionally, my family opens presents with our Aunts and Uncles on my Mom's side on Christmas Eve, and then we open gifts with one another (Mom, Dad, my brother and I) on Christmas morning. Then we usually have a Christmas lunch/dinner with my step-father's side of the family later on Christmas Day. This year things were different, though, and we are having a Christmas lunch tomorrow, December 27. I am at my parents' home right now. I decided that I would spend the weekend here rather than traveling back and forth from my apartment these past few days. It would be a silly waste of gas to do that. And besides that, I get to spend quality time with my family members when I am here - it is something that I have missed, to be completely honest. I haven't returned home since I first moved out at the end of October/beginning of November. And things have been kind of hard on me lately.

Thursday evening, Christmas Eve, I did fall apart again, which I had a feeling that I would and that I was going to. I couldn't control my crying any longer; I needed to let the tears out. I told Mom that I probably shouldn't have moved out so very soon. I think it was too quickly, to be honest. But it is something that I would have needed to do eventually, though. I feel that I am still in the transition stage of everything in my life right now - some things are moving far too quickly for my liking. Then again, life doesn't pause for anyone. It keeps on moving right along. I shed so very many tears on Thursday evening. I shut the door to my old bedroom and lay on my bed crying for what seemed to be a few hours. Things were very much overwhelming for me. I wasn't certain I could handle everything. I have now told Mom about my feelings of depression and not caring about anything. I didn't want to scare her, but I needed her to know how I feel as well. I probably should not have told her, for I don't wish to worry her. But she is my Mother, and she cares so very much about me. She had told me that she didn't know what to say, to which, I couldn't really respond, either. I just needed to let her know how I was feeling.

I keep thinking about such silly things in life. My own house, my own sense of freedom, my own man to come home to in the evenings. In a conversation that I had with a friend the other evening I had said, "I am not sure if I am ready for a relationship yet." When I thought about those words yesterday, I realized that what I had said wasn't true. Because, really, I feel that I am ready for a relationship, as I have mentioned in several of my blogs. The problem is actually finding the right guy. The one who will treat me with the respect that a true gentleman should. It is hard to find such a man these days, I am afraid. And for all I know, they could be out there right now. It's up to me to find him. I think it would have been easier if Santa Claus could have placed him under our Christmas tree with a bow. But, as we all know, that doesn't happen. Sadly, right? I would really enjoy having my own home, but the way that my financial position is right now, I don't see that happening any time soon. The money just isn't there. I need to return to school in order to turn things around as far as my finances go. One day, I think that things will be alright. For now, though, I have to try and push through each and every day. One day, I will achieve everything that I was meant to achieve. For now, I am taking it one step at a time.

I cannot believe that we are nearly finished with another year. 2009 is coming to a close as 2010 inches closer and closer with each passing day. I certainly do hope that 2010 brings many wonderful things not only to me, but to you as my readers as well. I know that 2009 has been quite a painful year for me, but I am hoping that 2010 will be much brighter for me. And who knows, maybe I will be able to find the love of my life in 2010. Only time will tell, of course, and I shall certainly hope that it does.

Thank you, as always, for reading my blogs.

Sincerely,
Dustin

Merry Christmas 2009

DR-B — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 12:58:38 GMT

Dear Dustin's Journey Readers:

I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas today as well as tomorrow. May this wonderful time of year bring much happiness to you and yours.

I would also like to pause and take a moment to say thank you. Whether you read my blog this year, left me a comment, or even sent me a message, please know that it has been appreciated, and it has not gone unnoticed. I appreciate all of your support through 2009, and I hope that you will continue to read throughout 2010 as well as the coming years.

Thank you again for all of your support. May you be able to spend time with your loved ones this Christmas season.

Merry Christmas!

Dustin

Battling Depression - Entry 02

DR-B — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 02:26:56 GMT

There are good days and bad days; some happy, some sad. There are times of complete happiness, and also times of complete despair and loneliness. There are thoughts of a bright future, and an unplanned death. ~ Dustin on Depression
I appreciate the fact that some of you are reading this blog, and also responding with comments here as well. Thank you for that. It means a lot to me. It is important, I feel to have support in times such as these. I am going to be writing another blog entry in regards to depression and the way that it has affected me. For those of you who may not wish to here and/or read about how depression could affect a person as far as mentally, emotionally, and physically, then I suggest that you read something else. My descriptions may be very graphic at times and perhaps even difficult to understand and/or comprehend. Thank you.

I do have my good days, of course, and I do have my bad days. All of us have them. Unfortunately, though, it feels as though I have more bad days than I have good days. And that is what is starting to bother me. The part that bothers me the most, though, is the fact that I understand this, and I have the power to do something about it. I just do not know where to start in order to make my life better for myself. Is it as simple as taking a week off of work and doing whatever it is that interests me? Or is it more complicated; something like taking classes on how to better oneself? Or is it a combination of those things that I had mentioned and other things as well? I do not know the answer to that question; "Where do I start in terms of making myself a happier person?" I feel there are several places in which I can start. From the attitude that I create for myself in the morning, to the way that I eat my evening meals, I think that I have many steps to take.

I am getting ahead of myself. I would like to share some observations with you all. I have noticed several things about myself which I feel have contributed to my depression as of late. I will outline them below, and mention a bit about all of them.

My Job
I am starting out with my job, because, unfortunately, I feel that it is the biggest cause of my depression. When I started working for my company in January of 2008, I was asked a simple question of, "Will you be able to work overtime if needed." There were two boxes - yes and no. I had thought, "Well I better answer the question with a yes, or I won't get a job." I didn't realize at the time, however, that I would be working overtime throughout my Summers. I didn't realize that I would be working overtime from July through December. I don't think that my employer realized that either, however. The hardest part of my job is working all of the extra hours - I get so tired when I get home that I don't even want to do anything. I don't care if I watch TV, I don't care if I read. I simply don't care. I am so very tired that I don't give a darn about anything. I just wish to go to bed. That's all that needs to be done anyway, right? Then we start the cycle over again tomorrow.

My Appetite/Diet
The next biggest area I feel is my appetite and/or my diet. I haven't been eating very well lately. When I get up in the morning, I usually just eat a piece of bread. Yes, bread. I don't toast it, or put anything on it, I simply eat my bread, drink my glass of milk, and swallow down my two vitamins (Vitamin C and a multi-vitamin). For lunch, I rarely eat. When I do, it is typically a sandwich with a bag of chips and some water. Nothing all that big. And for dinner, I rarely eat anything. If I do, it is normally something small such as a hot dog or a packaged dinner. Never enough to fill me up, that's for certain. So I understand that this is another cause of my depression - Great!

I do not know how much more I will be able to write regarding this. After re-reading what I have written, I am starting to realize all of the things that I have been doing to myself. They are not anyone else's fault but my own. I have always tried to take credit for my own actions. But why I am doing these things to myself, I haven't a clue. I have so many more thoughts on this, however. I will take a break and write more after.

I do not know what depression is, but I do see what it has done to me as a person. It has worn me out. It has brought me to a place that I no longer wish to be. And yet, I do now know what to do in order to change it. I don't know how much more of that book I will be reading, for it doesn't give me real answers. It has allowed me to review the decisions that I have made in my own life, yes. It has allowed me to see that I have done many things wrong in my life, and it has shown me that I am not doing the things that I need to be doing. But does it really care? Does the book know how to tell someone that they should do this or do that in order to improve upon things? No. Is the book able to tell me why I should continue going on with a good spirit? No. After the holidays are finished, I will probably be going to see a counselor/therapist. I think it's time that I hear from a professional something that I need to hear. No one else seems to be willing to say it, so I must allow a professional to say it. My friends normally turn away when I tell them that I am not feeling well. Or they blow it off as something that is not important. And to them, perhaps, it's not important. But to me, it is ruining me. I'm not doing well in the least.

When people think about depression, they often think about suicide as well. I don't think about suicide that much, to be completely honest. It is not my place to take my own life. It is God's decision when I join Him, never will it be mine. Suicide is a serious matter. One in which people haven't been taking very seriously lately. Just yesterday I had read several blogs regarding someone who was planning to take their own life. I had worried for them. I worried for them falsely, however. They had then written a blog, "To Prove a Point." What a bunch of bullshit, people. I just find it amazing that people downplay how serious suicide is. As I mentioned, I do not think about it much at all, for it is not my decision to make. But these two things (depression and suicide) seem to go hand in hand.

I've been wondering what I am supposed to be doing in life. What is it that God has placed me on this Earth to do? Of course no one knows the answer to that. But it is always something that I am wondering about. I just do not know why I am supposed to be happy. Is there a reason that I should be a happy person? If so, what is it? Because I don't see it. This is very hard for me to write. I have been in tears for much of the time.

When I was filling in my Christmas cars for my family members this morning, I had a sudden urge to cry as well. I don't know why that is. I think that part of the reason is that I feel badly, though. I feel badly about not being able to give than what they had set the limit at. My family has set a limit of $50.00 for Christmas gifts this year. That's nothing! Next year I don't care what they set the limit at, I can spend my money the way that I wish to spend it. It's my budget, not theirs. If I want to go over it, then it's my fault. I'll be darned if they can tell me how much I can spend on those whom I love. They're my family.

I'll end this here. I'm not getting half of what I need to out anyway.

Warm Regards,
Dustin

Battling Depression - Entry 01

DR-B — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 20:33:17 GMT

It is hard for me to say when things have gone wrong. But for me, I feel that things have really gone wrong lately. I do not know where/when that started, though.

With this blog entry, I am going to start writing in a series that for me, will be all about the depression that I have been feeling lately. I do not enjoy admitting that I feel this way, but I feel that it is the only thing that I can do right now. I will not deny the way that I have been feeling. Today is entry number 01. I will update these in the future. I ask for your support during this time. I have chosen to write this series here on JUB rather than on my normal blog Web site, "Dustin's Journey". I feel that there is more of a community that will support mere here on Just Us Boys, and I hope that you will not prove me wrong. Please walk with me through this difficult time - I need all of the support that I can get.

I have not been 'happy' for quite some time now. For those who have been around me, that may not be very obvious, though. I have always put a smile on my face, even when the worst type of pain has been placed before me. I try not to let it show that I am upset or that I am ready to simply cry. My co-workers have noticed that I have not been doing well, though. They say that I seem to be upset and mad all the time. I feel that it is part of my depression. Irritability. I am trying to find the best way to to deal with my depression. This weekend I purchased two self-help books that I am hoping will help me to understand. I hope that they will help me to understand what depression is, at the very least. From what I have read thus far, there seem to be several different reasons for depression.

I think that it might be best for me to also see a counselor and/or therapist. I am not sure what my next course of action is going to be at this point. For now, I will continue to read my book, and then I will decide if it is necessary for me to see a professional. I feel, however, that without speaking to someone that nothing will be done.

I'll leave this blog entry here.

Thank you all for your friendship and support.

Warm Regards,
Dustin

A Reflection: Things Taken For Granted

DR-B — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 22:43:40 GMT

I am not a perfect person; I have made many mistakes in my lifetime, and I will undoubtedly make more mistakes as I travel upon my journey in life. Nobody is perfect, after all. While we should all strive to be the best people that we can be, I understand that nobody is perfect (as hard as I may try to be). There are several things in life that I have taken for granted. I reflect upon this terrible thing once or twice each year, if not more frequently. I am referring to my taking things for granted - that is what I reflect upon.

I watched a movie in the theater today that reminded me of some of the things that I have taken for granted, and I want to write those down so that I may be able to see those later. That is, of course, assuming that I am able to retrieve my blogs after a period of time. I understand that there are only supposed to be good changes to the Web site known as Just Us Boys, but who knows what the future will bring? Money is always an evil thing if you ask me. But you didn't ask me, did you? I'm sorry - I got to rambling again there, as I so very often do.

Anyway - I watched "The Blind Side" in the theater today, and it made me realize, yet again, some of the many things that I have been taking for granted lately in life. And those things are the real reason for this blog entry. Please allow me to describe in detail those things to you and my reasoning for each subject/item.

My Job
Yes - it is very true. I have taken my job for granted many a time. I complain about the job. I bitch about the job. And I moan about the job from time. Please forgive my harsh language. I shouldn't complain about my job in any way. I have been there since January of 2008, and I have enjoyed my time while being there. I do have to work long hours every now and then, that is very true. But I am doing something that I love doing - Accounting. While it may be true that education finance is a bit different than a regular accounting or finance job, it is certainly within the realm of everything that I had been taught in college. I am so very thankful to be working in a time when many people are out of work - I have much to be thankful for as far as my job goes. I am just so very sorry that I have taken it for granted.

My Family
I have taken my family for granted far too many times, to be honest. I never think about the fact that they are always there for me no matter what happens in life. I often tell my family members that I wish to be independent and no longer wish to have contact with them all the time. That isn't what a strong family is, though. A strong family, to me, is a family where stories can be shared no matter what. No matter what time of the day it is, they should be able to call one another just to explain the things that are happening in life. I have been telling many of my family members lately, however, that I don't wish to receive phone calls. My Mother even asked me last evening when we were on the phone, "You aren't mad at me, are you?" Of course I was not mad at her, but I had made her feel that way. And that's not right - that's not me. That is not who I am as a person. I have always tried to be the person whom everyone looks up to and the person whom people can always run to. I try to be here for others when they need for me to be here. I hadn't returned one of my Mother's e-mail messages, and she was worried. I always return my family members' messages. If is involving plans that are coming up, I always try to make sure that they are aware of my thoughts as well. I didn't return a message to Mom, though, and she began to worry. When I spoke to her yesterday, I had assured her that I wasn't upset with her. Time has been very scarce for me lately, and that is no excuse. Mom worries about me, and I understand that. I think about them quite a bit at home - what's going on in their lives now? And I miss them so very much. I do feel that I have taken them for granted - I don't want to do that any longer.

My Friends
My friends have been here for me no matter what, yet I don't feel as if I have shown them that they are important - at least as not as much as I should. I listen to them when they need someone to listen to, and they listen to me when I need someone to speak to. But I feel that they aren't thanked enough for all that they do. So to any of you who are feeling that way, please allow me to say thank you for all that you have done. I know that we are simply members of the JustUsBoys community on this Web site, but all of you who have left a comment on my blog or written me a PM at some point have all meant a lot to me, and you've made me a better person. I do mean that. Here's a virtual hug for you all. (*8*) - THANK YOU!

I am going to take this blog in a different direction now. Lately I have been writing quite a bit about the man whom I had met from a different Web site. After my blog from last weekend, I decided that I needed to take a break from things in life, and I had no intention of contacting this person. I needed to think about where I wanted to be in life. Am I ready for a relationship? If so, am I ready for it to be long-term? I didn't hear from him for a period of time, but Tuesday was his birthday. I made sure that I sent him a Happy Birthday message. He appreciated that. I don't want to let him go completely, but I don't know if we're friends or if we are more than that. The text messages have been less frequent, telling me that we are simply friends. And that's OK with me.

I do know the answer to my earlier questions. "Am I ready for a relationship?" The answer to that question is, "Yes." I think that I am in a spot in my life where I am ready to start a relationship with a man. I understand that things will probably be hard, but I am willing to make changes if they must be made. Even if I happen to get hurt again as I had in the past, I feel that I am ready for a relationship. "Am I ready for a long-term relationship?" Yes, I am ready for a long-term relationship as well. I would like to start my life with someone whom I feel I can love forever. I think about love quite often. Probably too often when you think about it. I'm twenty-one years old, and I understand that. I have a lot of my life to live still. But I would like to share my hopes, my dreams, my wishes, and my love with another man. I am growing rather tired of feeling so very lonely. And I am ready to move on from that.

My car has been running funny lately, and I think that I might have to bring it in to the dealership soon. I hate doing that, for I never know what they are going to tell me. I am worried that they are going to say, "Oh, well this happened and it is going to cost you $1,500.00!" Unfortunately that very thing happened to my Uncle recently. I don't remember exactly what happened to his car, but it cost him $1,600.00 to get it fixed, and he was forced to cash out his IRA. I don't even have that money saved in my IRA! I certainly hope it won't cost me that much. I think that my battery may be dying, but my Dad doesn't seem to think that's what the problem is. He won't look at the car, however - he'd rather have me spend money to get it fixed.

I'll end this entry here. May you all enjoy your day.

Sincerely,
Dustin