http://www.justusboys.com/forum/blogs/190654-BlueD JustUsBoys Forum en Thu, 23 May 2013 10:18:15 GMT vBulletin 30 http://www.justusboys.com/forum/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.justusboys.com/forum/blogs/190654-BlueD http://www.justusboys.com/forum/entries/6816-Just-feel-like-it Thu, 01 Oct 2009 08:25:28 GMT Well, as the title said, I wrote this blog because....I just feel like it. I haven't written a blog for a long time. I used to keep a frequently updated one on Yahoo!360, but it shut down in July, and I dislike their new blogging system, so I didn't blog at all.

Let's see. The weather is turning cold since the last week, time to wear more layers now. The school football team is doing great at 3-1, and they have a home game this weekend too, but I am not going to watch it because almost everytime I watched, they would lost, :( and I really want them to win. :) Good luck to you, team.

I also took the GRE (Graduate Records Examination) for the first time last month. Did well on the math (not as well as expected but the score is still at 83 percentile), and somehow I bombed the verbal + writing parts, around 25 percentile. #-o oh well, I will take it again next spring when I actually got some time to study this time. I won't graduate until next school year so I still have some time to take the test.

Listening to Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway. It's an old but awesome song. "I spread my wings and I learn how to fly, ... take a risk, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway!" I love it.

School is going okay, the classes are hard and homework takes a lot of time away from other activities. Actually, I would say I'm getting worse. My performance is definitely above the class's average, but comparing to the preceding years, it's like free-falling (maybe with less acceleration). This is bad.

I also got cut from my tutoring job without any notice from them at all. Sadly. I worked there for about 2 years and now I'm jobless. It is making it harder to pay for the rents + utilities + food. I have to find a job somewhere off campus now.

And of course, I'm still having some problems with thinking too much -> stressed -> emotional -> depressed. #-o omg. ](*,) Maybe it's just me; that's how I am and I should learn to cope with it. My insecurity of being gay also doesn't help much.

In the last few weeks or so, I realized I don't trust anyone that I call 'friends.' Am I too insecure? Is it because of my recently discovered low self-esteem? When I am around a certain group of friends, I would project and preserve a self-image/personality that I think is fitted with that group. I would say I have several of those images. Although all those images are closely related, I don't think none of them is the real one (or at least I consider it's real). As a result of those images, I don't feel completely comfortable in any groups of friends. Yes, I do have fun some times, but that's different from comfortable. The do's and don't's keep reciting itself in my head. A friend who I actually started to open myself to once described me as a person with an abstract personality which would change to fit into the environment. I think he is right. He is married now and the sad thing is that he is far away too.

I am taking Psychology 101 this semester (for my social science credits) and we learned about Erikson's stages of development. At age around 20, it's a transition from the stage of "Identity vs. Role confusion" to the stage of "Intimacy vs. Isolation." And I think I got both 'role confusion' and 'isolation.' (note: role confusion to me is not about being gay or straight, I just want to point that out). It's so fascinating how Erikson divided up the stages and associated those with the development of the mind.

So the point is: I have no friend. I think I isolated myself from them.

I need to stop biting the skin around the fingernails. #-o yuck.

Got to go to bed now, good night, sweet dreams. ]]> BlueD http://www.justusboys.com/forum/entries/6816-Just-feel-like-it http://www.justusboys.com/forum/entries/6555-Reviewing Tue, 07 Apr 2009 06:37:24 GMT I just have to write something to keep the other blog from appearing under my username.

I guess I will put an update on my 'progress.' As expected, I haven't got to the school recreation center to work out yet (I was there for ballroom dancing class once though, it's kinda fun and awkward, because there are only 4 students: 3 guys, 1 girl in there). I've been lazy and procrastinating. I'm also behind on my schoolwork which is a really bad thing, because late schoolwork is just like a snowball rolling downhill for me.

However, I did sign up with a counselor from the Counseling Center. The appointment is tomorrow morning actually, and I am kinda nervous about it. Don't know how it will turn out or I'm going to get chicken out and act like nothing happened... Oh well, will see.

Anyway, that's a short update. Will write more after this week because I have tests coming up real soon.

p/s: I haven't used any emoticons in this blog! yay! ]]> BlueD http://www.justusboys.com/forum/entries/6555-Reviewing http://www.justusboys.com/forum/entries/6493-I-need-to-stop-this Sat, 28 Feb 2009 11:41:53 GMT Yeah, I need to stop posting blog at 2 AM in the morning, this is not good, even if it's a Friday. Actually it's bad that's it's Friday night, when I'm supposed to be out there hanging out or something... However, I set a rule for myself not to do anything on Friday nite besides being a lazy ass bum on my computer. #-o

There is a strange thing about me. I do not usually write blogs, but every time I did, it's long. Don't think this one will be that long though. /end rambling. ;)

Today, as a typical Friday, I had 7 classes, which is really tiring when I'm done with the day. I had a big test in one of the classes too, it's scary, but I think I did well on it. Yay for me. For the most part, classes are going fine. Just have to spend a little bit more time studying even though I will get thru fine without, but I want to actually learn the concept, because understanding the concepts is important, not passing the tests. :D

I should start to get fit physically. For the last few weeks, I have terrible diet (not nutritious, not frequent enough, or too much) b/c I'm stressing out for school most of the time. I think that's the reason. The thing is, I know, I will shatter whatever goal I plan out. But this time I will try harder.

Goal: go the the rec center 3 times per week, maybe 1 hrs each. And eat healthier.
Mental goal: go and see a counselor at the Counseling Center. I think he/she might be able to help me to relieve some of the stress/anxiety/depression that I might have. It's free, but I'm always hesitate to go there, b/c I don't want people to know too much about my personal life, but I want someone to talk to at the same time. lol

Right now, I think I'm still in the denial phase of my life. I sometimes wonder "Am I gay? Am I really gay? or just bisexual? or just curious?" I would say my upbringing has some impact on that. I'm not hating myself. It's just not 'convenient' (can't find a better word right now) to be gay in my situation when you want to be who you are, but you can't. ](*,) Girls in my culture are being like untouchable. In high school, I wouldn't even think about get their attention (not often anyways :rolleyes:); however, same goes with guys, b/c I didn't want to be in a relationship ('b/c my mom said so' ](*,)) Now in college, after more exposure to JUB and the gay world, I actually find myself frequently looking at other hot guys !oops! and rarely at other hot girls (my type, not the blonde cheerleader type). I want a relationship, but I also want to wait until I got a stable job and can support myself first. No wonder my mom/relatives always told me not to get my head in those relationship thingy now, b/c it's so complicated. But if I know it now, it will benefit the future, right? Oh well, I'm gay or not, the answer is in the future me... ]]> BlueD http://www.justusboys.com/forum/entries/6493-I-need-to-stop-this http://www.justusboys.com/forum/entries/6464-Post-Valentine-blog Wed, 18 Feb 2009 08:58:19 GMT I should be doing hmwk right now and then go to bed. But somehow, I want to talk. Just talk with someone. To the world that who knows who or what... I should be doing hmwk right now and then go to bed. But somehow, I want to talk. Just talk with someone. To the world that who knows who or what is out there. So here I write.

Valentine is just another holiday, the one where couples celebrate their sweet love (hopefully) and singles see more about their singleness (If that even makes sense). I'm single, and I choose to be that way. I might not be as happy, but I choose too, for my own good in the future, at least that's what my mom and some of my relatives constantly told me. They have lived their life, they have experience and wisdom that I don' have just yet, so I just took their words in, used-to-be blindly. I now grow up a little bit, experience the cultural difference, learn how to be on my own, learn how to accept people for being themselves, learn how to accept myself, learn to acknowledge what I need, what I really want. And I want the people I love to be happy. And I will do whatever it needs to accomplish that, even put my own happiness behind. Right now, some of you will disagree. You will say that your own happiness is what really matters after all because this is your life, not other people's, enjoy it while you can. Yeah, I don't care about random people's opinion about me, but I do care about the people I love. My mom, my sister, my family. They are a big part of me growing up and they influence me. They make me into the person I am today.

That leads to another point for me being single. Being gay is just a heartbreaking point for my family. I don't want them to be hurt because of me. You might say that they will get over it, and accept me for who I am if they love me. You might be right, but it will leave them with deep wounds, and emotional wound is really hard to heal, if ever. It matters a lot to them, especially in East Asian culture. It's about the pride of the family. And it doesn't help for me to be the only son. You know, lineage and all that.

I doubt myself. I sometime push myself into denial. I wish I weren't gay, but the logical part in me just said it ain't happen boy. Do I really have to try to date a woman to see? That thought always saddens me because woman shouldn't be used as a tool to test if you are gay or not. Emotion and feeling are things that I am always careful when touched. Don't try to push thing so hard when it just doesn't work, or at the end, another heart might be broken by your hands.

I believe I have some A.D.D. sometime. When I started this blog, I never intended for it to goes this way. But oh well. now you know a bit more about me. Pathetic? crazy? old-fashion? need therapy? love? empathy? Whatever you feel like. :wave: ]]> BlueD http://www.justusboys.com/forum/entries/6464-Post-Valentine-blog http://www.justusboys.com/forum/entries/6347-Gotta-love-this-boy Sat, 13 Dec 2008 14:33:40 GMT I finally decide that I'm going to post those blogs here. Because that boy already has my myspace blog and the yahoo one in the future... :D

OMG, recently I found this boy on youtube.(I think it's fate :D because he is not a popular youtuber and I found his video :cool:).

So we have a few messages back and forth. He is so sweet and cute. I love his piano playing. When he does vlogging, the way he talks and acts is cute too. :D (I think I'm developing a new obsession ;))

The only downfall is that he lives in Canada. :( And it took him too long to reply to the messages... agrrr.... I hate waiting :grrr: I guess he is busy and can't be online a lot like me. #-o Oh and I gave him my Yahoo ID. :D

I don't know if this is going anywhere, but let's see. !oops! :gogirl: ]]> BlueD http://www.justusboys.com/forum/entries/6347-Gotta-love-this-boy