Chronic pain can be a very difficult thing to deal with, especially when it does not seem to let up. Almost all of the discs of my lower back and ruptered, torn, or bulging. Arthritis is a major issue in my entire back as well as painful sciatica causing severe and debilitating pain down the left leg. The discs in my upper neck are ruptured causing numbness with trembling and very poor coordination in my left arm and hand.
I can stand for no more than 30 minutes without my leg giving
This will sound crazy to just about everyone who hasn't read my blog entries:
a few nights ago, for the first time in my life I experienced a moment when sex was fun -- not duty, not being dominated by lust, not pain, but just fun.
In the midst of dealing with my brother dying, I can't tell how I feel about that. That night it was astounding to me, and briefly I was giddy about it; now I'm wondering if it's even worth remembering, because I doubt it will ever happen again.
I have been invited to go to a wedding next Saturday. I would rather have my rectum pulled out through my mouth. Why? It's a hard right evangelical wedding. I promised my Sister I would go and she promised to keep me out of fights. This is the third wedding for my "in the closet", homophobic, family member.
I hate to be cliche', but keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am going for the sake of a terminally ill family member, whom I may never see again.
Sorry for the gloomy blog entries, but it is a form of therapy for me. In spite of a change in medication, I can't get over the desire to do something bad to myself. Responsibilities that I have to family, is keeping me from tipping over the edge.
Does anyone remember when I died? What condition was my body in? Did anyone bother to find me or even care? Was I buried or allowed to rot where I lay?