Age-Gap in relationships

[Thundercizzle]

Are you familiar with the term: May-December?
Have you had a great relationship with someone who's a lot younger or older?
I have. Check this out: http://www.bearzone.com/blog/2006/03/04/gay-may-december-romance-aka-the-age-gap-in-relationships/

[Croynan]

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The article is from the website posted above. It is really quite interesting reading.

Ageless love

Gay and lesbian couples cite benefits and drawbacks of May-December romances

By RYAN LEE

Friday, February 10, 2006

IN THE ALMOST 30 VALENTINE’S Days that passed since Houstonians Earl Kile and Leon Dodson became a couple, one of the chief sources of contention in their relationship is the computer’s ever-expanding role in American life.

"He doesn’t catch on too quickly about the computer," Kile says of Dodson. "Some of our biggest arguments have been about that."

The couple’s disputes about the Internet and other tech-related issues are among the rare times when the 19-year age difference between Kile and Dodson becomes an issue in their relationship, they say.

It’s important for gay men and lesbians involved in May-December romances —-where there is at least a 10-year age difference between partners —-to recognize and talk about the strengths and weaknesses each partner brings to the relationship, says John Ballew, an Atlanta psychotherapist and licensed counselor who focuses on gay mental health issues.

"When there’s a difference in ages, there’s sometimes a difference in power, but it’s not all one-sided," Ballew says.

Just as a younger partner may have insecurities about not being as professionally established or wealthy as their mate, older partners may be intimidated by the opportunity and sexual esteem that accompanies youth, Ballew says.

Kile, 56, says he knows his technological superiority over Dodson, 75, doesn’t make him the more valuable partner in their relationship.

"He’s very competent in a lot of things that I am not," Kile says.

IN FACT, IT WAS DODSON’S competence that first attracted Kile to him. A mutual friend introduced the men 29 years ago, when Kile was in his mid-20s and Dodson was in his 40s.

"I didn’t have a lot of self-confidence at the time, and he was established, and had a business," Kile remembers. "He was everything I wasn’t, but needed in my life. He kind of brought me out."

From growing up in a small town, to attending an even smaller college, to enrolling in the Army, Kile says he didn’t explore his sexual orientation, and never really developed romantic connections with guys his age.

"I think I probably have always been drawn to older men," he says. "I think maybe the generation I grew up in was not very accepting of me, and I found I had more in common with older men."

In addition to helping Kile craft his identity as a gay man when he was younger, Dodson later patiently guided Kile through "a typical mid-life crisis" during his 40s, when he cashed in his savings to buy a new sports car.

Despite the guidance Dodson provided throughout their relationship, Kile says he was not searching for an easy leg-up, contrary to the preconceived notions some gay men and lesbians have about younger people who connect with older ones.

"All of our friends are generally supportive, but I think other people do have misconceptions about it —-I wasn’t looking for a father or anything like that," Kile says. "I think people have maybe mistaken that I depend on him too much for support, financially and otherwise.

Kile and Dodson now own a furniture finishing and antiques restoration business. Kile brings energy to the relationship, inspiring Dodson to run marathons and do other activities alongside him, according to the couple.

Most successful May-December romances involve "a complimentarity that involves the younger person bringing something to the relationship, and the older person bringing something different to the relationship," Ballew says.

Often, that manifests with the older partner representing stability, or even becoming a role model, and the younger partner brining a freshness or new energy to the relationship. Still, it’s especially hard for gay men to avoid the stereotypes of intergenerational unions, Ballew adds.

"The younger guys, sometimes there’s the assumption that he’s looking for a daddy or sugar-daddy, when most of the time that’s not the case," he says. "And older guys don’t want to be seen as a predator, or something undesirable like a ‘Chicken Hawk.’"

Gay men and lesbians may be more open to entering a May-December relationship than heterosexuals, despite the "age-stratified community" that exists, Ballew says.

But like heterosexual May-December liaisons, a difference in professional status among gay and lesbian couples can at times be problematic, he says.

"If one person is at the stage of life where they’re devoted to their career, and the other person is at a stage where they’re enjoying other parts of life, that could be an issue," Ballew says.

:=D: :=D:

[DavidSFO11]

Great article, I been with my partner 7 years, he is 29, and I am 42, I had the issues in the beginning of the relationship my partner did not, he was open to learning and so was I. It just works. And I agree that each has to bring something to the relationship to counter the balance, you can not make some your equal, when I stopped tyring to do that, things fell into place.

[okcnwarea]

I have been with my partner for several years. He is 28, turns 29 this year and I'm 40. He is the best

[INtrospective1]

I think may-december relationships can work, although in my last relationship there was a 10 yr age difference and my ex and his friends had issues with it that kinda made the relationship unhealthy. I think it just takes an open heart and mind to work out some of the differences. Every relationship is different :)

[Nightmare]

The article Croynan posted is quite on point.

I am in a 'May-December' relationshiop, and honestly I could not be any happier. And I look forward to it for years to come. It's just the fact of accepting of each person and their backgrounds, which are obviously going to be a bit different considering one might be quite older and the other is quite younger. I think accepting that, then the relationship can be a perfect one.

I don't understand why this is in this 'Daddy, Bear, etc' forum? :confused:

[Croynan]

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TO THE ATTENTION OF ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN

A Personal Commentary


I see no reason why this thread had been moved to the Daddies and Bears area. This has to be one of the most foolish things I have ever read and/or seen at JUB.

The link posted goes to Bear Zone, granted.

But if anyone with a degree of Common Sense can read the commentary, it has nothing to do with being a Daddie or a Bear. THE COMMENTARY HAS TO DO WITH RELATIONSHIPS - A UNIVERSAL QUESTION - AND THUS THE THREAD SHOULD HAVE BEEN KEPT IN THE HOT TOPICS FORUM SO THAT MORE PEOPLE COULD RESPOND TO THE ISSUES BEING RAISED.

If one goes to the article that is referred to in the commentary and which has also been posted, there is no discussion there in anyway of Daddies and or Bears.

The article is about a RELATIONSHIP between an old and younger person and what each gives and takes from such a relationship. It is an article about two people, and there is no designation as to Daddie and or Bear Roles.

By placing this article in the Daddies and Bears Forum you are STEREOTYPING those relationships as if they were from the Daddies and/or Bears Sub-cultures and that is not simply the case.

The commentary and the article are about RELATIONSHIPS between two people who just happen to be of considerable difference in their ages and not in their sexual and or social behaviors.

signed,

eM
croynan, ](*,)
4, march '06
los angeles, california

:( :( :(

[1313chef]

Oh will you just relax, jeez...its a conversation on this forum....and quit typing bold, you dont have to shout to talk....

[Thundercizzle]

This is an thread that I posted here in the Bear Forum. It wasn't moved here. I decided to share with my friends here in the Bear/Chaser/Chub etc. community. There's nothing wrong with that. If you'd like to share it with other's, feel free to post the link elsewhere too.
And watch the bold type, it does make a lot of members angry when used in excess.

[Zeremonie]

I've been dating a man old enough to be my father (well he is 17 and 1/2 years older than me) for the last 12 almost 13 years. He's a daddy- and I'm definitely a daddy chaser! I had never heard that term may-december relationship before, but certainly such an age gap in a relationship can happen in all kinds of relationships - straight, gay, and even in just plain old friendships it can present its unique challenges.

I just like older men because often they seem more easy going than younger men, more mature, and just gentler souls ... imho.

I appreciate Croynan's comments in the sense that I think he is looking at a larger sociological picture than simply what is happening here in the bear forum. I remember hearing in undergrad that like 90% of us will marry (or partner with) someone who is within 7 years of our own age.

I appreciate the link Thunder, however I would like to facilitate opening the doors to a wider range of conversations since your topic is so relevant to so many kinds of relationships.

[Thundercizzle]

You're welcome to copy the thread wherever you'd like to share it.

[sweet_taboo]

As a teenager, I had a May-December relationship (i.e. he fucked me) with a friend's dad. I suppose he was about 38 at the time. For me (at that age) it was the perfect "relationship" as my only expectation was that he fuck me...his only expectation. I guess, was that I let him. We got along very, very well. Our "relationship" lasted a couple of years until I went away to school.

[aarya]

I wouldn`t mind finding myself an older guy really.. Nor would i mind finding a younger guy.. Age isn`t important to me at all..
The first sexual experience i had with a guy, was when i was 21. (I`m 24 now.) He was 41..
It was the best couple of days i ever had.. And i`d do it again in a heartbeat.. (We`re both bears.)
My latest sexual encounter was with a guy a couple of years younger than me. (He`s 22 or something.) And he`s a muscular twink.

So i guess, the bottom line is that i feel comfortable with all guys, of all ages.

[Green_Man_007]

In my late teens thru my 20's, I prefered much-older (though attractive) men, because it seemed like guys around my own age had little substance beyond fleeting sex appeal.

At 21, I answered a roommate ad and ended up monogamously dating my 42 y.o. landlord for a few months (we fucked every night in his bed yet my pride insisted on paying rent for my room). He, oddly enough, seemed to lack the secure, emotional maturity to work at dealing with differences to cultivate a meaningful relationship. Still, he was hot, and I look back on "shoulda-coulda-woulda" of how there were signals he sent that he wanted reconciliation after we broke up and I moved into my own bed.

There are probably a lot of otherwise-destitute twinks out there looking for "sugar daddies," as well as "sugar daddies" out there looking for trophy twinks, and perhaps some of them eventually fall in Cindarella-story love.

(Perhaps my drawback has been my need to prove that I liked those older men for themselves, and not their money, regardless of what jewelry of mine I had to secretly pawn to take them out to a fabulous dinner, if necessary.)

Maybe there are also 2 men of a lot of age distance who happen to meet in the same socio-economic circumstance, and hit it off immediately.

I (at 37), for one, am still on the lookout for a man, regardless of physical age, who's compatible with my interests and goals.

All I can say is "Bravo!" to any couple who can make an honest, equal partnership thrive, regardless of generation gaps.

[radames]

My lover and I have been a couple since 1982. I am 17 years older than he is, but he has been my loving teacher. I hope we have many more years togeether.
:kiss::-):-):-):-):-):-):-):sex:

[wonderfulelectric]

Well currently I am in a 'sort of' relationship. It is more like a March-December.
I am 19 and he is 50 this yr.

[Cdn Patriot]

I'm 19 and my b/f is 36. Been together for nearly a year.

[OtterJoq]

My partner is 18 years older than I am; he's 63, and I'll be 45 in April.

We've lasted 18 years thiscoming August...and no end in sight!

[Alfalfa]

My partner and I were together for 32 years, until he died of a heart attack 2 years ago. He was 15 years older, but we learned from each other and worked together for 30 years. Now, at 63, I'd still prefer someone older.

[bluedragon4]

My partner and I were together for 32 years, until he died of a heart attack 2 years ago. He was 15 years older, but we learned from each other and worked together for 30 years. Now, at 63, I'd still prefer someone older. i'm sorry to hear about your partner. that has to be really hard. i am 33 and my bf is 25. when we first met he was 22 and i was 30 and i told myself ,"no way". i had enjoyed dating older guys up untill him and would probably still being dating older guys now if he had not come a long.but he won me over and now i don't think 8yrs is a huge deal like i did. i am so glad i opened myself up to his love and warmth-plus he has a hairy chest and that sucked me in just like the older guys did. mmmmmmm hair. sorry got lost in thought!

[RICBOUND2004]

Well I'm at the beginning stages of my May-December relationship (three months). He's 33 and I'm 20. He is a extremely gracious guy and I can see myself falling in love with him. The age difference seems to us to be more of a inside joke than anything else. To us the generational differences are just humorous (I LOVE Dave Chappelle, he doesn't even know who that is!) But I guess maybe because I'm an old soul myself, it's a lot easier to be with an older man. In an event, I don't see this relationship going anywhere but UP, I couldn't be happier.

[operafan]

My partner and I were together for 32 years, until he died of a heart attack 2 years ago. He was 15 years older, but we learned from each other and worked together for 30 years. Now, at 63, I'd still prefer someone older.

32 years! That is so fantastic!! What a gift you were given - and what a hole it must be in your heart for him to be gone.

My lover is Radames, and as he said, we have been together since 1982. At this point the 17-year difference doesn't make much difference - not that it ever did.

[WIZZARD101]

my curent is 19 and i am 47. he is my dream boy and i hope it lasts forever

[northwoodsguys]

We are really proud to say that intergenerational May-December relationships can work.

We are 33 and 59 and we have been together now for seven (7) years.

It's been great!

[xiandarkthorne]

I have had relationships with men of all ages, both younger and older than myself but somehow, it seems the me-older and him-younger ones seldom worked out as well. Oh 007....where were you when I needed someone like you?...heheh...The younger guys I had relationships with (almost all Asian, I admit) almost invariably had to end because I found myself in the position of sugar-daddy....never just daddy. The only one that lasted three years was with a young white American of 21 (I was 45) and it ended because of the great distances involved....plus he met someone closer to his own age. I was happy for him because deep down I always worried that I couldn't be there for him all the time.

With guys much older than myself, unfortunately, the mental differences made all the difference all the time. I am a pretty laidback if also determinedly quirky kind of guy who lounges in tanktops and shorts mostly and I can't take "dressing properly, behaving just like everybody else and eating correctly (only food cooked authentically to grandma's exact recipe)" too often...heheh...o maybe it's just me. After all, writing is a pretty solitary profession. Besides, the day I ever use "simple" or "homely" to refer to myself, I'll be ready to enter a monastery and stare at my crotch 24/7 to the day I die.

[Cherokee_Lover]

Hey, Xiandarkthorne, your photos of yourself are very nice. Your being laid back is VERY cool. I normally don't get anymore dressed up than to wear jeans, shirt or t-shirt, and sneakers. Oh, by the way, if you start to stare at your crotch 24/7, can I stare along? He he he. :D ..|

[xiandarkthorne]

Hiya Cherokee,
Thanks for the compliments...heheh...I am glad to report that where I come from, things have changed so much with the coming of the little blue pill. Just five years ago, the term "a horny old fart" (like me) would have been considered derogatory but then Viagra made its grand entrance! And now, I think in many parts of more developed Asia, that same term is considered complimentary! Think about that! A major shift of thinking in less than a generation! And fit, able-bodied Daddies and Grandaddies are much in demand by cute, sweet twinkies in the local saunas, too!

Regarding my photos, I have been playing only with my handphone camera but my ambition has always been to be the first Asian naughty grandpa poster boy HAWHAWHAW!!! So apart from working out like crazy (I was ill last year and put on 15 pounds of you-know-what) I also got in touch with some local photographers who'd be happy to take naughty pictures of me when I reach the Big Five-WOoooh! I haven't quite made up my mind whether I want them taken in my 50th birthday suit yet though...heheh...

The "crotch-staring"reference is to monks in Asia and my ancestors must be doing cartwheels in their graves because I obviously dont have a high opinion of people who are too lazy to work for a living and think that staring at their crotches will save the world. How or why, I don't know and I am not quite sure I want to know either...oh well...

Xi'an
NOT your typical Chinese Grandaddy

PS
I forgot to mention that it's usually so hot on the little island where I live that many men spend most of their casual hours wearing nothing but a thin cotton sarung...and a la Scotsmen and their kilts, with nada underneath.

[samdub]

my boyfriend is 16 1/2 years older than me. we've been together for five years now and we are still doing great. the age difference never bothered us...

[xiandarkthorne]

Great for you Sam. I dont think a big age gap is what makes people break up...it's the mental incompatibility that matters in the end.

[brads64]

My partner and I have been together for 6 1/2 years and it's been great. I am 17 years older but it's rarely ever affected our relationship. We have a wonderful life together and share the same passion for one another as we did 6 plus years ago. Life is good and only getting better.

[Cherokee_Lover]

First, X'ian, let me know if you take those 50th birthday photos. THAT would be nice to see! And that little island...well, I think I feel a vacation coming on!! He he he.





PS
I forgot to mention that it's usually so hot on the little island where I live that many men spend most of their casual hours wearing nothing but a thin cotton sarung...and a la Scotsmen and their kilts, with nada underneath.

[recuerdeme]

i'm 23 bf's 45

[moonybig]

tho i dont have a bf yet :( to me i dont see any thing worng if there is an age gap if it is true love then age dont matter.

[xiandarkthorne]

Hi Cherokee,
When I hot (no type here) Five-Woooaaah! I plan to post the naughty pix on my personal naughty website cuz I wannabe the first Asian naughty grandad posterboy (I know...I know...oxymoron there but you get the idea). I can't put them up on my other non-naughty website cuz the rest of the family would have a fit!

Concerning men in sarung...*sob*sob*...I asked around and the younger generation of Malaysian men seem to have gone off it. Most of the younger guys I asked all said that they wore only those dreadful Seven Dwarves' "shorts" (how they can be called shorts if they're not short, I don't know). Oh well, time passes us all....

Concerning olderman/youngerman relationships, I take off my hat to Recuer. And Moony, don't give up. If you're not in good condition, then do what I did....get off the couch and start slow. One sit up and one pushup more everyday...it's gotta be a rest-of-my-lifetime commitment to looking hot whatever your age. You'll have no problem finding someone once you start looking good...you'll start feeling so good about yourself that I bet you start doing what I used to do too...take off your shirt at every excuse whenever there's someone interesting around! Hawhawhaw!!! Long may you both love and laugh.

Xian

[Gohman]

Been in a relationship for 2 years. He's 42 years older than me...hehehe. I'm 22, he's 64. So far it's been great!

[maturemenfan69]

Im a 21 yo guy and my partner is a hot 50 yo bear, and Ryan lee its totally right, he feels insecure cuz im good looking and he is afraid that i may go with other guy, and Im insecure cuz imnot stable with money issues yet and it can get tricky... we talked about that in our first month together and we are perfect now, so far the best thing i´ve ever had. So guys dont be afraid when there's a lot of age diference... when your soul mate arrive just GO for it

[alexjon]

Half the guys I've lusted after in the past 12 months have been well over 10 years my senior, which is a problem because I never know how to approach them.

First of all, I'm in an instable position until I finish school and while the occasional offer of helping me get on my feet would have been great to take up, I still don't feel right about it. Also, there's the issue of not feeling attractive enough. I mean, sure there was mutual attraction, but what if they find someone younger or buffer than me?

It's enough to scare me off sometimes.

[azphxgy]

love, feelings, happiness joy…are more then a age or number…it all comes from the heart…and after viewing some of the post and feedbacks on this topic I have to say a lot of you know this and are very happy and in love with the person your with.

rock on ..|

[eclectic_spirit]

...there's the issue of not feeling attractive enough. I mean, sure there was mutual attraction, but what if they find someone younger or buffer than me?

It's enough to scare me off sometimes.

It shouldn't scare you in the least. If that is you in your avatar, you're verrry cute and adorable, and definitely my type...|

I will be 40 in three weeks. I'm not in a relationship, but it's definitely not because I don't want one. I've always been attracted to guys younger than me, but because I'm a chubby teddy bear, none of the guys I'm interested in are interested in me. They all want the smaller, more buff and less hairy guys. **sigh**
:(

[IowaGuy]

Very interesting reading guys - to each his own. In my case my partner is 10 years older. It's never been a problem - we've learned from each other. BTW I'm 64 and he will be 75 this month - we've been together 39 years.

[Triple Anal Host]

Younger-older is the way to go for me...

I am 20, and I always look for the 30-50 crowd, because they are just so nice and stable, and they make me feel awesome!

If I were to date a top my age, hmmmm.....he'd irritate me with his experimentations and fits during the relationship. Not really my cup of tea...he can go fuck those other meatheads! ..|

[scatterheart]

LOL! Your post made me laugh Triple. At least you meet tops!! I'm a bottom and I've probably met three or four tops in the five years that I've been out of the closet. Who knew that it would be such a challenge? I can definetly agree on the older guy thing. I'm 19, and while most of the guys I know like to date younger, I like to go older. The funny thing is my parents are cool with me bringing older men home, but many of my friends (gay, straight, female, male) who are my own age think it is strange/wrong. I will admit part of it is sexual. I do love to be dominated and embraced by men that are older and bigger than me (although that's not hard to pull off considering I'm 5'3" and 120 lbs.), but mostly I look to older men because they have a warmth and strength to them that men my age and younger just don't seem to possess. All of my gay friends tell me I'm a 45 year old trapped in a teenager's body lol.

[FleshRocket]

My partner and I were together for 32 years, until he died of a heart attack 2 years ago. He was 15 years older, but we learned from each other and worked together for 30 years. Now, at 63, I'd still prefer someone older.


My heart goes out to you. My partner of 11 years suffered a heart attack 3 months ago. Thankfully he survived and today is doing well.

He will be 49 in November, I'll be 33 in October.


XOX- S

[jon-lee]

April/May 2002 I had agreed to meeting some guy I clicked with on some Gay phone chatline called 'Maleforce'.
Although, I did keep him waiting for 45minutes, not my thought I didn't hear my mobile ring, we got on really well.
So if anyone asks, do blind dates work? Yes they do.
3rd weekend we met up, each time he came to me in London, I decided he should meet my mum.
I had been 27 years old then while he were 42 at the time. It wasn't before long, I guess around about 6/7 months before I left home and moved in with him out in the countryside. Been together ever since, I'm a right little house wife you could say.
I do find older guys attractive, but it never fails to convince me the reason why. I had been sexually assaulted as a child, so have grown to believe this is the right thing to do. Sad, but true.

So, may I ask anyone whom else have posted on here who are at the younger age than their partner, if they too had been sexually assaulted or raped as a child?

:confused: